Sandra L. Brown, M.A. Current Articles

My years of working with dangerous men and the women who get involved with them have led me
to observe that dangerous men generally fall into certain categories. Let me introduce you to eight
hotties who are dying to meet you:
1. The permanent clinger: He is a needy, victim-based man who will give a woman a lot of attention
in return for all of his needs being met all of the time. He fears rejection above all else, so he is jealous
of other people in your life. He asks you to give up your outside life and make him your only life. He
convinces women that he has been wounded and that the woman can love him into wellness if she
will focus only on him. He may even threaten to harm himself or “never get over” being wounded if
you don’t do what he asks of you. Women have the overwhelming sensation of “having the life
sucked out of them” by these men.
2. The parental seeker: He wants a parent, not a partner. He needs you so much. In fact, he needs you
to run his entire life for him. It is hard for him to do adult things like go to work, make decisions, be
consistent, or act grown-up. He will shower you with lots of adoration, but he has very low
functioning capabilities.
3. The emotionally unavailable man: He is married, separated, engaged, or dating someone else. He
usually presents himself as “unhappy with” or “not quite out of ” a relationship, and he is more than
willing to keep you on the side. Another type of emotionally unavailable man is the man who is
preoccupied with his career, educational goals, hobbies, or other interests, to the exclusion of ever
having a true interest in a long-term relationship. With the emotionally unavailable man, there is
always a reason why he can’t fully commit to you, but he’s usually happy to keep stringing you along.
After all, the situation is still convenient for him as long as you’re willing to keep seeing him or
sleeping with him on a “casual” basis despite the fact that he can’t or won’t get involved in a serious
relationship with you.
4. The man with the hidden life: He has undisclosed other lives that might include women, children,
jobs, life-threatening addictions, criminal behavior, disease, or other histories that remain unrevealed
to you. You only find out about these hidden lives way too late in the relationship, at which time you
are already at risk.
5. The mentally ill man: He can look normal on the outside, but after dating him for a while it
becomes obvious that “something is amiss.” Most women lack the training to know exactly what is
wrong, but depending on his diagnosis he may be able to convince you to stay, seeming healthy
enough to deflect attention away from his mental illness. He may hold you emotionally hostage by
saying that “everyone” abandons him, or he may wreak such havoc and create such instability in your
life that you can’t find a way to get out.
6. The addict: Most women do not recognize up front that he has an addiction problem. Some women
never see the addiction, or they mistake it for his being a “fun-seeking kind of guy.” This “fun” can
include sex, pornography, drugs, alcohol, thrill-seeking behavior, gambling, food, or relationships.
7. The abusive or violent man: He starts out as very attentive and giving. But then Mr. Hyde
appears—controlling, blaming, shaming, harming, perhaps hitting. Women who think abuse comes
only in the form of a physical assault may miss warning signs of other kinds of abuse. Abuse can be
verbal, emotional, spiritual, financial, physical, or sexual, or it can be abuse of the system to get his
way. (Each of these is described in Chapter 9.) With an abusive or violent man, anything goes when he
decides he’s in control, and he will always be in control. And abusive or violent behavior always gets
worse over time. What may have started out in the first months of your relationship as occasional
name-calling may eventually escalate into a life-threatening assault. Men who kill their partners don’t
usually do so on the first date. It happens after months or years of a woman putting up with violence
that grows worse and worse. How far his abuse and violence goes is dictated only by his imagination
and your continued presence.
8. The emotional predator: This pathological man has a sixth sense about women and knows how to
play to a woman’s woundedness. Although his motives might be to prey on a woman’s financial or
sexual vulnerabilities (to name just a couple), he’s called the “emotional” predator because he hunts
for his victims by targeting their emotional vulnerabilities. He can sense women who have recently
been dumped, who are lonely, or who are emotionally or sexually needy. He is a chameleon and can
be whatever any woman needs him to be. He is very tuned in to women’s body and eye language as
well as to the subtle messages behind their words. He can pick up on hints about a woman’s life and
turn himself into what she needs in the moment. These men can turn out to be lethal.
There’s also a type of dangerous man that I refer to as the combopack man. This is any man who fits
the criteria for more than one of the categories listed above. For instance, an addict may also be
violent, or a man with a hidden life may also be an addict. Addicts are almost always emotionally
unavailable. Clingers and seekers almost always have interwoven mental-illness issues. Emotional
predators always have a hidden life, because hiding what they do is half the fun. Many combinations
are possible, and some are fairly predictable. Women need to understand that the more categories
a man falls into, the more dangerous he is. Each category brings its own pitfalls and symptoms that
make that type of man a bad dating choice. But add another category, another pitfall, and another list
of symptoms, and you have a man unlikely to ever get it together. The deck is stacked against him.
Bottom line: If after reading the above list you see your man in one or more categories, that is a red
flag. (I talk a lot about red flags in this book, starting in the very next chapter.) Know that anyone who
makes it onto this list will most likely end up causing you heartbreak.

EXCERPT 2: Tessa’s Story — The Mentally Ill Man
Tessa is a university professor. She tells about getting involved with someone who turned out to have
a personality disorder:
I dated a man who was brilliant, but I noticed over time that I started to feel “crazy”
around him. I thought his behavior was a little odd, but he always made it sound like it
was something about mybehavior that was odd. I didn’t have a history of relationship
problems, so I wondered what was really up with this man and why I couldn’t tolerate
him. I constantly felt like he was pushing my buttons.
I began asking my friends if the things he said about my behavior were true
from their perspective. I didn’t get any feedback that indicated I needed to look at
something in my behavior, so I joined a support group to talk about how I felt in his
presence. I learned that what was making me crazy was that I was trying to adjust to
his pathological illness. The more I tried to be okay with it or placate it, the worse I got!
Everything was focused on him—on his interests, his job, and his never ending
need to have his ego supported at any and all costs. It was nauseating to have a
conversation with this man—it was all about him! It was a heavy burden to deal with
his ego. He finally told me he was diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder.
Because it is a pathological disorder, it means this is simply how his personality is
structured. There wasn’t much to be done for him. He could learn a few things about
how to be less offensive to people, but, basically, this is how he was.
I have learned the hard way that loving a narcissist is the most futile thing you
can do. Loving anyone who has a patho-logical condition that can never be made better
and will only get worse is pretty futile. But I did learn the warning signs. If I ever meet
another man with this disorder, I will run!

EXCERPT 3: The Emotionally Unavailable Man
Men who are absorbed in their work or hobbies are successful at finding women because they initially
appear to be well-rounded. They aren’t hanging out night after night at the local pub. They have
active lives and many interests. For women disenchanted with the daily grind or with an existence
they perceive as mediocre, this guy can look pretty interesting. Every day he has some exciting new
story about the latest mountain he’s climbed or how he beat his own record in a cross-country run.
Maybe he’s a thrill seeker who participates in sports like race-car driving, bungee jumping, or hot-air
ballooning. All the better—her adrenaline gets to rush for free just listening to his stories. I’ve had
patients tell me about their boyfriends’ interests in such detail you would think it was their own lives
they were describing. Yet some of them had never even accompanied their partner to one of his
hobby-related events. If your date’s life sounds way more interesting than yours, it’s a red flag. It
indicates a desire to live vicariously through someone else’s achievements and avoid looking at what
isn’t happening in your own life.
Another reason women are attracted to chronically busy men who don’t abuse drugs or
alcohol is because they appear wholesome in this day and age when everyone seems to be addicted to
something. A woman might ask, “What can be so bad about basketball? At least he’s not in the bars.”
These guys can slip easily under the radar because their career- or hobby-related obsessions
seem benign in a culture used to hearing story lines worthy of The Jerry Springer Show.
As for men who are unavailable because of their involvement with other women, it should
seem obvious why they shouldn’t be anyone’s dating choice. But the fact remains that women date
these serial heartbreakers perhaps more than any other type of dangerous man—and they often do so
knowingly. This suggests that such men are successful because women are willing. Here we
can honestly say there are no victims, only volunteers.

EXCERPT 4: Your Built-In Danger-Alert System
We each have a system of red flags and red alerts that can act as a personalized internal monitor for
dangerous men. In fact, when interviewing women about red flags, never once did I have to define
what a red flag was. There was a universal knowledge of the existence of red flags, even when I
interviewed women from as far away as Indonesia.
This red-alert system is sort of a cross between womanly intuition, a biological sensory
response system, and a spiritually whispered warning. Each woman has to become aware of how she
most often receives her red flags and warnings. Some women have very real physical sensations,
others notice mental or emotional symptoms, and others sense it spiritually when their red-alert
system fires off warnings. Some women experience a combination of these. How you sense these
warnings is not as important as what you do with what you sense.
Let’s take a look at the different ways red flags present themselves to us.

PHYSICAL RED FLAGS
A sensory response system is something that all humans are born with; it is called the autonomic
nervous system or fight-or-flight response. You can think of it like a home burglary alarm. At birth,
normal, healthy babies have a sensory-based warning system. They know automatically when they
are hungry, scared, or otherwise in need. They don’t need to be told when to cry or how to respond if
they feel threatened. Their alarm system responds automatically by causing them to be startled, to
raise their hands into the air, and to start crying. Over time, they learn what danger is through
conditioning. But before they could “learn” it, they just “knew” it because of the biological
adaptations they were born with.
Conditioned learning in babies eventually picks up where biology leaves off. Babies begin to
learn through trial and error what is safe and what is harmful. Unless they have been abused, they
don’t ignore or reframe these trial-and-error messages. The reframing of warning messages seems to
be an adult, maladaptive, learned process rather than a natural childlike state steered by biology.
Children pay attention to the truth their bodies tell them. Adults learn to allow their defense
mechanisms to alter the truth.
As adults we are alerted to danger by bodily sensations that we need to pay attention to. These could
include a flash of fear, sweating, a tight stomach, a pounding heart, the hair standing up on the neck,
or a general feeling of discomfort that we may be unable to name. But sometimes we adults ignore
these sensations. We do not respond the way we automatically did as children. We don’t stop to
recognize what our bodily reactions are telling us.
The bodily reactions we experience when we’re with a dangerous man hold a lot of the
information we need to know about him. Women who want to avoid dangerous men focus on the
physical messages their biological system is sending them. One of my workshop attendees put it this
way: “I had a constant stomachache when I was with this guy. I also started having symptoms of TMJ
[temporomandibular joint] syndrome. That’s when I realized I was having stress reactions to him. In a
real sense I couldn’t ‘stomach’ him or his lines! I also was jamming my mouth shut so as not to
respond to the things he was saying that were pushing my buttons. Luckily, when my jaw really
started to hurt, I got the big picture.”

SPIRITUAL RED FLAGS
Our spiritual red flags come from what we refer to as “knowing,” “intuition,” or “sensing.” This
system has all the wonderful makings of a free bodyguard service—if only we will listen and respond
to it. Spiritual intuition alerts us when we sense that something is not right or when we just “know”
this isn’t the person for us or the place for us to be in. We know these things without any overt
knowledge or concrete information as to why we know them. Trying to specifically name “why” we
sense something is not always necessary, but responding to it is. Women everywhere have stories
about their intuition and how it diverted some disaster when they really listened to it.
Knowing, intuition, and sensing can give women an opportunity to respond to clues they get
about dangerous men. For women to ignore the clues and wait until the clues have become facts
places them in extreme danger. Many adults sense, but not all respond. It is okay to respond to a clue
without having or ever getting the hard facts. By the time the event is a fact, it could be too late.
Sensing without responding only gives us the opportunity to regret what we failed to respond to.
promise of him?
Spiritually tuned-in women do not ignore their sensing and intuition. Marla can attest to that.
She couldn’t shake an unprovable feeling that a guy she was on a date with was dangerous or in
some way unsafe. Outwardly, he was so polite; he did all the things her mother told her were signs of
a “good” dating choice, like opening her car door. But deep inside it was like God was whispering
into her ear to avoid being alone with him. He said he forgot his wallet and had to go home to get it
before they could go out. Marla waited in the car while he went inside. When he appeared at the front
door on the telephone with a worried look and motioned for her to come to the door, she thought
something terrible had happened. She went to the door and he continued to pretend to be getting bad
news. He motioned her in and calmy closed the door behind her. He ended the call, pushed her to the
couch, and attempted to rape her. She fled successfully but was left astounded by how she’d ignored
what, on some level, she already “knew” about him.

MENTAL AND EMOTIONAL RED FLAGS
Mentally and emotionally we are also given plenty of clues about our true feelings in a relationship.
This red-alert system is another avenue for our protection if we will tune in. Sometimes this
information is best gathered from people who know us well.
Think about the following questions in regard to a current or past relationship: How are you
since you’ve met this man? Are you balanced and grounded, or from an emotional perspective are
you swinging wildly all over the place? Do your friends tell you that you are different in a negative
way? Are you more anxious than normal, awaiting the call or worrying about where he is? Are you
melancholy without knowing why? Do you feel confused about the relationship? Do you feel a
general unease without knowing why? Are you having difficulty sleeping, eating, or concentrating?
(Contrary to what folklore might tell you, this doesn’t mean you’re in love!) Are you keeping up with
the rest of your scheduled life, or have you abandoned your normal activities for him or for the
promise of him? Have you acquired some of his bad habits? What kind of things are you thinking
about now that you are dating him? Are they healthy and realistic things, or are you off track somewhere?
The answers to these questions can indicate red flags in a relationship. Wise women are aware
of their emotional condition in a new relationship, and they honor their instincts by getting out when
their emotional or psychological distress—even if it’s “inexplicable”—signals a warning.

I strongly agree with this article. My current situation is a mirror image to the information presented here and in all these articles by Ms. Brown. My husband is a combination of at least three types of  dangerous men. In the beginning I ignored my red flags. I was grieving a death and I was vulnerable. 

I listen now to my internal warning system. I act, and I don't care if it's acting on fact or feeling.

Thanks to Ms. Brown for giving us her insight.

How timely that I check in to find this article.  You see,  the man  that 'drove me to this site".  I had left  3 months ago,  and was doing well,   with getting over the grief  etc.

Thursday,  I recieve a card from him,   he tells me he misses me, and hopes I am well.

Hmmmm.  My first reaction was to call him,  but my guts  said  WAIT !

All week-end,  I have trying to decide on  whether to write him  and if so,  what to say?

Do I play into his hands,  ?  which is my usual  reaction,  and   one I always regret.  OR  do I  send him a nasty  rude letter?

Which could lead to repercussions down the line.

I choose to not respond,  ,  but still,  I sit  on pins and needles,  thinking , knowing,  the day will come  when he  'corners me'.

We live  a stones throw from each other.

I have been playing a game of cat and mouse  ,  scheduling my time out  to avoid running into him.

UGH,  One more needle in my paw,   one more  turn of events  that I thought  would not come,  which is,   hearing from him at all.

I have been trying to  pin point his  type from the above list.

He is clingy, abusive,  needy,   alcoholic, self-centered.    and wishes to isolate me  from my family.

He's gone so far  to say that my mother needs to be  put to sleep,   with a gun,  out in the field,   has stated he will never marry me,  but likes my friend,   calls me a  F___  up on a regular basis,   (when things don't go his way).

Is sexually,   abusive   re:  wants ,begs, pleads , forces , tries to  anyway,   have me perform oral sex on him  ,   even though  I am  not  into doing that   at all,   He could have diseases  ,  I have met a few of the women he has dated,  and they are into drugs.

All signs point to TROUBLE>

Coming here,  has re afirmed my decision  to stay away.

Thank you  Ms. Brown,  for writing,  your article here.

Sincerely,

Lynn56

This is very interesting.   My husband, Greg Esslinger, from Metropolis, IL fits into three or four of these catorgies.  He is addictted to beer, he is abusive, both emotionaly and physically, and is a clinger; very jealous.  But now the funny thing is; he was jealous of me, but he left me the day before our first anniversary for one of my "friends".  We had not been fighting at all for about the last 4 or 5 weeks.  I thought we were getting along better than ever.  I went to the grocery store to get food for his 16 year old son that had been living with us for two weeks, and he left while I was gone.  The 16 year old had to tell me his Dad had left me.   We had reservations at the Opryland Hotel the next night for our anniversary, so I was caught so off guard.  Now my "friend", Lori Karnes, from West Paducah, KY had been talking to him for about 2 weeks.  She has broken up about 3 marriages, and I only knew of one.  

I am a pretty down to earth kind of girl.  I wear classic clothes, and jeans, not a lot of make up, naturally curly brown hair.  Greg wears jeans, tshirts, cowboy boots, only!  Lori wears big puffy highlighted hair, lots of make up, lots of costume jewerly, tight clothes and very low cut tops and high heels.  So now like anything I would have ever pictured Greg going for. 

Greg moved out of my house and now lives in a camper.  Lori rents a 2 bedroom apartment and has a 10 year old daughter that lives with her.   Neither one have anything to speak of.  I paid off his Jeep and Motorcycle and then 2 months later he moves out.  I paid for the wedding, our rings, and now I get to pay for the divorce!