Return to Infidelity Articles
Grief and It's Impact on Relationship Selection
BY: Sandra L. Brown, M.A.
Author of: How to Spot a Dangerous Man Before You Get Involved
Grief can have devastating effects on the type of person you choose for a relationship while you are still actively grieving the loss of a previous relationship. Many people do not realize they are grieving when a relationship ends which actually places them at-risk of choosing dangerously while being impaired by their grief.
Some people assume that grief is related only if your partner has recently died and if you are currently still saddened by the loss. But actually grieving occurs when any relationship ends'whether it is anticipated, desired, prepared for, or not. The longer the relationship existed, the longer the grief normally takes.
How to Survive Relationship Grief
Persons are often distressed to learn that there should be a 'time out' from dating or future relationships when one relationship has ended. The rule of thumb is 6 months time-out for every 5 years of relationship. So if you were with someone (married or not) for 10 years that would suggest you take 1 year off from being in a relationship or dating. I get horrified reactions to that because most people think 'just get your self back out there. The best way to get over someone is with someone else.' Nothing could be further from the truth.
Many of my clients ended up in counseling with me because they did exactly that. While still grieving from a previous relationship, they hooked up and made some bad choices in the selection of their next relationship which caused them even more problems and pain. When you are coming out of a relationship, you are in pain even if you aren't acknowledging it, even if you wanted out of the relationship, even if you had planned for the ending of it. When we are in pain, we are not in our best decision-making mind. When issues of the previous relationship are not resolved, many people go on to choose someone just like the person in the relationship they ended. Subconsciously they are trying to work out those relationship issues'but with a new person, instead of the one they just left.
Drastically, many people jump from one relationship to the next to avoid being alone. Alone does not necessarily have to mean = loneliness. But in these cases, people don't really care about the quality of the next relationship they only desire to avoid themselves and the feelings of the lost relationship. These are issues for the person to work out with a professional because people who cannot be alone are at a significant risk of choosing anyone to avoid being alone.
The baggage we carry from the last relationship has the ability to impact current and future relationships. Ideally, none of us want to hurt new relationships with our old relationship issues that are unresolved. That's why time off from relationships help us get some distance where we can assess the good and bad things of the relationship, our part in it, the types of people who we tend to select and whether we need to make some changes. These insights do not happen overnight or even within a few weeks. That is why following the formula listed above protects you from your own impaired relationship choices. Sometimes it allows enough time that you see you might need a few counseling sessions to work out your anger, fear, or look deeper at your relationship selection patterns.
The longer we wait and the more we work on ourselves in-between relationships the better chances we have of bringing a more healthy self to the next relationship and being able to spot potential bad dating choices.
For more information on dangerous relationships, see www.HowToSpotADangerousMan.com
BIO: Sandra L. Brown, M.A. is an author and psychotherapist who worked for the past 20 years with both female victims of violence and male perpetrators. Her interest of practice has been in the attraction between victim and perpetrator.
Sandra Brown, WomanSavers.com Feature Writer.
* All break up and relationship articles are the property of their owners. ' All WomanSavers relationship articles are copyright of the individual authors, unless specified. http://www.WomanSavers.com is not responsible or liable for the accuracy and/or content of the women's relationship and break up articles displayed on this site. Submitted relationship articles for women to be included, but not limited, to the categories of: relationship articles, break up articles, abuse articles, cheating statistics, dating advice articles, divorce articles, gender difference studies, healthy relationship articles, internet cheating articles, marriage articles, medical articles, men's advice for women, men's relationship articles, miscellaneous articles, relationship news articles, rape statistics articles, sex articles, sex laws, sexual infidelity articles, single women articles, surviving infidelity articles, websites that help cheaters, women over 40.