Dating and Marriage I: What is Real Love?

PROBLEMS ON MARRIAGES OF TODAY:

1.     More than 50% of marriages end up in divorces.

2.     The remaining couples may not all be happy though they stay in the marriage.

3.     The chance of having a happy marriage is less than 33%, if you follow the way how average people handle their datings and marriages.

4.     The media (books, movies, dramas, newspaper...) has been delivering a wrong concept about love.

5.     Problems of stalking before and after marriages (or divorces).

DEFINITIONS OF LOVE:

1.     Simple Infatuation: is often called a "crush" or "puppy love."  It commonly strikes those in the early teens or younger. Usually the object of infatuation is some highly idealized person who is some years older - a teacher, an uncle or aunt, a friend of the family, an actor or actress.  Simple infatuation seldom lasts long.  But infatuated people may be greatly moved with emotion.  They spend much time in daydreams and wishful fantasies.

2.     Romantic Infatuation: is often called "romantic love" or simply "love."  It is a mix of sex and emotion - not genuine love at all.  It will not of itself support a marriage.  It also leads to idealizing the person, having a much stronger sex interest in each other, and justifying a premature marriage.  Romantic infatuation is therefore very dangerous because people will easily fool themselves to act out their intense feelings and sex urges.  Romantic infatuation is "false love," but it may develop into real love, but it will take a lot of time.

3.     Sex Interest: is a deep biological drive that seeks some erotic expression.  It is possible for people to enjoy sex with someone, yet have absolutely no other interest in them except sensual satisfaction.

4.     Real Love: exists when your strong tender feelings for the other are balanced by reason and deep respect.  You care just as much for the other person's welfare and fulfillment as you do for your own.  Judgements about the person are quite objective and rational.  The two of you have many values and ideas in common.  You share similar goals and ideals.  All these factors will probably be able to support and sustain a happy relationship over a long period of time.  If you're      infatuated, your emotions will be in charge.  In real love, your reason is ruling your emotions.  However, REAL LOVE and ROMANTIC INFATUATION are easily confusing people because they have one thing in common - strong feelings of attachment to the other person.  Moreover, people in real love have some degree of infatuation and infatuated people have some degree of real love.

FACTS ABOUT LOVE AND INFATUATION

1.     Many divorces and unhappy marriages have roots of infatuation and sex interest only.

2.     Most youth are not sure what real love is.

3.     Age and maturity give no immunity of infatuation.

4.     Teen marriages have twice the risk that they will end in divorces.

5.     Living together and have sex before marriage have tougher times to adjust after marriage.

6.     One-sided loves won't work.

7.     The following people are far more likely to have good marriage:

- Your parents are happy in their marriage

- You had a happy childhood

- There was a lack of conflict with mother

- There was a lack of conflict with father

- Home discipline was firm but not harsh

- You had a strong attachment to your mother

- You had a strong attachment to your father

- Your parents were frank with you about sex

- Your childhood punishment was infrequent and mild

- You have an expectant, positive attitude toward sex that is free from disgust or distaste.

Even if all of these factors are negative, you can still build a good marriage.  But you will have to work harder and be more careful in your mate choice.

8.     Good Marriages need to have these five types of love:

- Strong sex interest: strong erotic feelings for each other

- Respect and admiration: hold each other in high regard

- Friendship and fellowship: have many things in common

- Self-giving devotion: love in spite of each other's faults

- Affection: a shoulder to cry on when our burdens are too heavy to bear alone.

                   THE FOURTEEN CLUES OF LOVE

Warnings about these clues:

1.     The order is not important.

2.     No clue can stand alone.  All of them are important.  Failing one or more does not mean you have to break up with your partner right away.  It just means that you two are not ready for marriage and need more time to work them out.

3.     One-sided loves won't work.

CLUE 1.     What is the major attraction?

Infatuation: your main interest is likely to be the person's physical equipment.  The main stress is on things you can perceive right away - what you can see, hear, smell, taste, or touch.  A marriage based only on sex attraction will last no more than three to five years.

Real Love: your interest is in his or her total personality.  Before marriage, ask yourself: "What's she going to look like in 30 years?"  It is a sign of real love if the answer is,  "She will still look beautiful because of her wonderful personality."

CLUE 2.     How many factors attract?

Infatuation: the number of factors that attract you are  relatively few.  Just the smile?  Just the pretty face?  Just the lovely hair?  Just the funny jokes?

Real Love: many or most qualities of the person - and the relationship - attract you.  You like not only the way the person looks and talks, but the way he or she thinks and feels about things and other people. 

Do you like the person's reactions to personal success?  To  failure?  To tough challenges?  To faults in his or her self, and in you or others?  What about use of leisure time?  And what about thoughtfulness, kindness, courage, temper, and temperament?  Does the person have healthy and balanced attitudes toward money, sex, school, family, and friends?

Toward the past and the future?  What about bad habits?  Ask  yourself two important questions:

  1)   How many of the countless characteristics of this person do I know enough about?

  2)   How many of those things do I find attractive?

It takes time and effort to know a person extremely well. Only then can you judge your reaction to the many, many facets of that person's nature.  If many or most of those factors attract you, this tends to indicate real love.  When the excitement and romance wear off in a marriage, you need lots of other interests in common to hold you together over the long pull.  You need to like each other as well as love each other.

It does not matter much that you like the same kind of pizzas and movies.  It matters very much whether you agree on life-style and whether you want to have children, makes lots of money, or have two separate careers.

Two persons who are psychological opposites may attract and have a good marriage.  Social opposites almost never do.  It is alright for a dominant person to have a submissive mate.

However, the greater the social differences, e.g. a very rich and a very poor, the greater the dangers.

The more you two agree on these issues, the better your chances for success in marriage:

ROOTS:  How similar are you as to: Social Class? Racial, national, and ethnic roots?  City vs. country backgrounds?  Religions?

VALUES:  What is very important to you: Religion?  Money? Social position and acceptance?  Prestige?  Sex before/after marriage?  Who decides?

CHILDREN:  Do you like them?  Want them?  How many?  What about birth control?  If so, what kind?  Who is responsible for it?

MONEY:  How much is enough?  Who will make it?  Save it?  For what?  Spend it?  On what?  Who'll budget, pay bills, do the shopping?  (More married couples fight about money than any  other thing.)

SEX ROLES:  Who'll make decisions?  Will both work?  Will you share home chores?  If babies come, will the wife work outside the home?

WHERE AND HOW TO LIVE:  Region?  Rural or urban?  Fancy or modest?

MAIN INTERESTS:  Hobbies?  Vocation plans?  Education? Recreation likes and dislikes?

INVESTMENT IN YOUR FUTURE:  What do you plan to do about war, pollution, poverty, and so on?

CONCEPTS OF MARRIAGE:  Permanent?  Trust and fidelity? Companionship?

MAJOR GOALS AND HOPES FOR THE FUTURE:  What do you want out of life?  How will you get there from here?  Who can help?

COMMUNICATION SKILLS:  Can the two of you work out differences?  Can you talk over problems with honesty?  Can you solve disputes without hurting each other?  Do either of you get mad or get grumpy when things don't go your way?  Do you feel free to share your true feelings, or do you hold back out of fear or lack of trust and confidence?  You'd best find out before you marry.

CLUE 3.     How did it start?

Infatuation: tends to start fast.  There is no such thing as love at first sight.  A human personality is much too complex to permit that kind of instant insight.  Your senses show you only the superficial, the shallow shell.  Real love requires that you know and like the other person's whole self, and it takes time.

Real Love: starts slowly. Studies have shown that the longer the period of courtship and engagement, the better the chances for success in a marriage.  There is no substitute for passing  the test of time.  A year is better than six months.  Three years are better than two, five better than four.  The quality of the time spent with each other is as important as the quantity.  Understand that people can be great actors.  We all  tend to play games with one another, to appear to be what we are not.  A couple might date for a long period, yet have only a shallow knowledge of each other.  You need to find out what the person is like way down deep inside, beneath the display-  window mask.

Caution to older people:  People at late 20s are tempted to marry in haste.

Caution to young people: You are more likely to be infatuated than genuinely in love.

CLUE 4.     How consistent is your level of interest?

Infatuation: a couple's interest in each other fluctuates a lot.  One day you feel sure this is the right person for marriage.  Then you develop doubts and wonder if the two of you should date others for a while, to test your feelings more.  The reason is you are attracted to only a few things about the other person - probably physical and surface traits. Your interest in each other grew rather fast.  The roots of such a relationship are too thin to nourish it for long.  Sex may also be the reason for lack of consistent interest.  If a couple becomes involved in pleasurable sex behavior, their interest in each other may vary accordingly to the strength of their sex urge at any given time.

Real Love: the relationship tends to even out and interest in each other is consistent.  If you don't reach the peaks of excitement so prevalent in infatuation, neither do you plunge to the depths.  As time goes on, you come to count on your love.  You know it will be there when you need it.  That is not to say that in real love there are no problems to solve, especially in the early stages of your courtship.  Problems of adjustment cannot be avoided.  But the longer you know each other, the easier it is to cope when you have real love.  The best way to predict the future is to study closely the evidence from the past and the experience of the present.  If you had a good relationship all last week, and the week before that, and the month before that, then you are more likely to have it next week, next month, and the year after that.

CLUE 5.     How does it affect your personality?

Infatuation: causes a disorganizing and destructive effect on your personality.  Infatuation makes you less effective, less efficient, less your real self.  Infatuation is irresponsible and fails to consider the future consequences of today's actions.  In such a condition, you might well lose your head and do things you wouldn't otherwise think of doing.  You may even foul up your whole life.

One-sided love or infatuation and the PRINCIPLE OF LEAST INTEREST: in a one-sided romance, the partner who has the least interest in continuing the affair is able to control the other person.  That's because the one who is more involved has more at stake.  No one should use another human being for selfish purposes, but people often do.  E.g. a girl who doesn't care much for a boy may keep him just to build up her ego to have someone care so much for her.  Or for a  convenience that she can always count on him for a date if nobody else asks her.  She knows he'll put up with shabby treatment because he's so emotionally involved.  Or the boy may demand more sexual favors than his girlfriend wants to give.

Real Love: has an organizing and a constructive effect on your personality.  It brings out the best in you.  There is an intense and satisfying feeling of greater self-realization and expression, as well as a feeling of having one's own personality reinforced and strengthened and enriched.  Love gives you new energy and ambition, and more interest in life.  It is creative, brings an eagerness to grow, to improve, to work for worthy purposes and ideals.  Love is associated with feelings of self-confidence, trust and security.  Love lifted you to new levels of maturity and responsible action.  When you love a person you make an effort to be more deserving of the beloved.  You want your beloved to be proud of you, so you try harder.  Life has more purpose.  You make plans and save for the future.  Life takes on new meaning, more sparkle.

What if you have loved and lost?  You may have had a real love relationship that did not result in marriage.  Perhaps one or both of you did not recognize at the time that it was real love.  Or some tragedy may have robbed you of your beloved.  In spite of the pain of loss, you still are likely to be a better person for having had love.  You can better understand yourself and be better prepared for finding success in your future relationships.  You will be more mature.  You grew through your love experience, and that growth will not all wither away.  Whatever happened, real love will have an organizing and constructive effect on your personality.

CLUE 6.     How and when does it end?

Infatuation: it stops the same way it starts - fast.  The few things you do like about the other person - even those strongly held at first - begin to wear thin.  All those other things you don't have in common begin more and more to rear their ugly heads.  You begin to quarrels, conflicts, even fights, and then doubts about your "love."  Soon you break up, UNLESS you and your partner become involved in mutually satisfying sexual relations.  Then sex will frustrate the usual test of time.  A good sexual relationship may hold a couple together as long as three to five years.  But that's about it.  Sex alone will not keep a couple together longer than that.  MAKING UP THE TEST OF TIME if you are already involved in satisfying sex relations by stop doing it.

Real Love: it stops slowly.  It will take long time to end a relationship and it will take long time to get over it.  Love involves meshing many, many facets of two personalities.  You grow together and become a unit.  The person becomes a basic part of you, of your own personality.  If a break comes, you are just not going to be the same.  In fact, you may never quite get over it for as long as you live.  That does not mean that you cannot love again.  Social scientists are certain that there are a number of persons in this world with whom each of us normally can have a genuine, deep-seated love that will last.

CLUE 7.     How do you see each other?

Infatuation: you live in a two-persons world.  You two tend to neglect your family and pay little or no attention to your other friends.  You turn a deaf ear to your teachers or your  boss.  You fail to do your homework.  You lose interest in things that used to excite you.  It becomes not only the most important thing in your world, but the only thing that really matters to you.  Your relationship tends to be exclusive.  Your other friends feel left out, neglected, or ignored.  Since this "romantic love" (infatuation) is of such central concern to you, nothing must be allowed to stand in its way.  You think you are justified in giving up anything in favor of this amazing event that has happened so unexpectedly.

Infatuation is a vaccine that immunizes you against seeing anything wrong with the other person.  You tend to idealized your partner.  No one can tell you anything wrong about the object of your affections.  At best, you won't believe it.  At worst, you may turn against the accuser in anger and rejection.  If you are infatuated, you defend the other person against all critics.  You just will not admit that he or she has any faults.  You idealize not only each other, but also your situation.  You two may have gross problems and obstacles to cope with - different religions, hopes, values, family, and cultural backgrounds.  Danger signals by the dozen!  Yet you are not concerned.  You don't even feel the need to think about these enormous hazards before marriage.  You think that somehow it all just has to come out OK.

What makes us idealize so much?  For one thing, we tend to be on our best behavior while courting.  We show only our best side.  Another reason is the "halo effect," or the tendency to judge the whole personality largely in terms of one or two highly admired qualities.  One great trait or two can fool us into thinking that the whole person is great as well.  And sex gets into the act, too.  One study showed that male subjects who were sexually aroused rated the pictures of the same girls to be much more attractive than did the same males when they were not aroused.  So in infatuation, you'll tend to see what you want to see in the other person, rather than what is really there. 

LOVE IS NOT BLIND, INFATUATION IS.

IF IT'S LOVE, YOU ADMIT THEIR FAULTS BUT LOVE THE PERSON IN SPITE OF THEM.  You see the person's real merits and build on that.  A mutual process is set in motion.  Your love leads you to appreciate the best in the other.  In turn, as the other person learns of your love, it brings out the best in her or him.  You are frank to admit that the other person is not perfect.  But you see so much to be admired and respected that you can live with those faults.

Real Love: as with infatuation, in real love the beloved may well be the most important person in the world to you.  But there's the big difference.  In real love, you expand your world to include the beloved.  If you really love each other, you don't abandon or neglect your other relationships.  Instead, you just add this wonderful new relationship to all the others you have.  It becomes a plus, not a replacement.  You still maintain good ties with your family, your friends, your teachers.  You retain your interest in your work or studies - assuming that you had such an interest in the first place.  Things that you liked to do before, you still like to do.  Your world grows larger, not narrower.

IS LOVE BLIND?

No, but infatuation is.  Infatuation, like other extreme emotions such as anger, hate, and fear, distorts thinking.  Only the passing of time will bring about gradual return to reality.  When the ideal bubble bursts - and burst it will - pain and disillusionment sets in.

Again, it pays to be honest.  Much of the pain and tragedy of romantic infatuation could be avoided if the couple would level with themselves and with each other.  Instead, they hide their faults and misled the other into thinking they are something they are not.

For this they pay an awful price.  Perhaps the most important reason for self-disclosure is that without it we cannot truly love.  How can I love a person I don't know?  How can the other person love me if he doesn't know me?  The answer:  HONESTY IS A MUST.

We should behave like small children and "act our real selves."  Perhaps this is what Jesus meant when he said one must become as a little child to enter the kingdom of God.

Time is the infatuated person's best friend.  It is both the great revealer and the great healer.  When your heart has been broken, time will heal the hurt.

Time also is the best antidote for the deadly poison of idealization.  As interaction increases, knowledge converts the dream image into awareness of the real partner.  Awareness puncturesthe dream bubble and brings the relationship down to earth.  Time can shield you from plunging into an unsound marriage on the strength of a mere infatuation.  Love that is time tested is the real thing.