Often we allow people into our lives who treat us as we expect to be treated. If we feel contempt for ourselves or think very little of ourselves, we may pick partners or significant others who reflect this image back to us. If we are willing to tolerate negative treatment from others, or treat others in negative ways, it is possible that we also treat ourselves similarly. If you are an abuser or a recipient, you may want to consider how you treat yourself. What sorts of things do you say to yourself? Do thoughts such as "I‘m stupid" or "I never do anything right" dominate your thinking? Learning to love and care for ourselves increases self-esteem and makes it more likely that we will have healthy, intimate relationships.

Basic Needs in Relationships

If you have been involved in emotionally abusive relationships, you may not have a clear idea of what a healthy relationship is like. Evna (1992) suggests the following as basic needs in a relationship for you and your partner: (I have changed this from "rights" to "needs" and made other small changes- S.Hein)

• The need for good will from the other.
• The need for emotional support.
• The need to be heard by the other ad to be responded to with respect and acceptance
• The need to have your own view, even if your partner has a different view.
• The need to have your feelings and experience acknowledged as real.
• The need to receive a sincere apology for any jokes you may find offensive.
• The need to clear and informative answer to questions that concern what is legitimately your business.
• The need to live free from accusation and blame.
• The need to live free from criticism and judgment.
• The need to have your work and your interests spoken of with respect
• The need to encouragement.
• The need to live free form emotional and physical threat.
• The need to live free from angry outburst and rage.
• The need to be called by no name that devalues you.
• The need to be respectfully asked rather than ordered.