So it‘s a Saturday night and you're home alone with a box of cheap wine, leftover ravioli, and the latest Power Rangers movie but no one special to share it with. Well worry no more dear friend, for the following tips will have you finding love faster than you can say "I call upon the power of the Ultrazord". Follow these simple rules and you'll have dozens of gorgeous women throwing themselves at your feet nightly, and it won't be because you've stolen their shoes this time!
1. Be Confident
First off, girls like a guy who‘s confident. It makes them feel safe and secure. Even though the simple thought of talking to a girl makes you want to shit yourself, never let her know that… seriously, never let her know that or she'll think you're some kind of weirdo who shits himself when he talks to a girl. That is a huge turnoff. In fact, probably more important than being confident is to not shit yourself. If you feel the need to squeeze one out, get to the bathroom post haste and neglect mentioning to her that she makes you want to poop.
2. Be Confident, Again
|There is no need to say anything, the shirt says it all.|
Back to being confident though, girls like that. If you are confident, then this shouldn't be a problem for you. But since you're reading my online dating advice, chances are you're not confident, you're more like a jellyfish in a sea of robot sharks. You probably get beat-up on the playground by the other jellyfish and get called things like spineless, which is technically true but hurtful nonetheless. To remedy this, make sure not to question yourself, and make sure you always come off as right. Sometimes girls don't always realize that I'm confident right away even though I wear a t-shirt that clearly states "Confident”, so I like to tell them "You don't know me, but I'm awesome.” This lets them know I'm awesome without having to beat around the bush, and shows them I'm confident enough in my awesomeness to let perfect strangers know about the aforementioned awesomeness. Sometimes I also wear a shirt that says "Awesome" as this is saves me the trouble of having to explain myself… unless I'm trying to pick up an illiterate girl, which in that case, it's an interesting conversation starter.
3. Dress Nice
|Girls will be all over this guy.|
When you're going out to a bar, pub, or isolated rest stop near the turnpike, make sure to dress presentable. As ZZ Top once said, girls like a sharp dressed man or something along those lines. They also like huge beards that hang down to the ground, but that's another story for another day. Now the biggest fashion hits with the ladies seem to be leather assless pants and shirts with flames, dragons, or some combination of the two on them. Leave that "I'm with Stupid" shirt you like to wear so much at home, girls don't think it's funny, and it doesn't have any flaming dragons on it. Expect to get dirty looks from other guys at this point, but that's just because they're jealous of how cool you look and how many women you're going to land.
4. Be In Shape
Girls like a guy that works out and is healthy. If you're an American, chances are that this isn't you. If you're dedicated, you may want to consider a gym membership, taking a daily run, or putting down that stick of butter and trying a banana instead. But if you're lazy like me, a muscle suit works just as well. You can pick these up from just about any costume rental agency for under $50 a day!
5. Go To Them
|The great thing about dating a homeless girl is that after a date, you can drop her off anywhere.|
To find women, you need to go to places where women hang out. To increase your chances of landing a women, you need to go to places where women hang out and get drunk. This will include bars, restaurants, and the back alley behind the 7-11 (if you're into homeless girls). You may consider checking out the local gynecologist's office, because lots of women go there, but don't. They find that creepy, and everyone‘s double-parked so it‘s really hard to find a spot to leave your vehicle.
6. Find The Right Girl
When you're out, it's a delicate art in finding the girls that are looking for someone special, or at least someone special for that night. While others might tell you to try and strike up a conversation with the girl that is by herself (because somehow this implies she's single), I like to pick out a girl that is with another guy. The reason is, that other guy wouldn't be with her if she wasn't cool and I don't want to waste my time with girls that aren't cool. Sometimes the other guy can be a problem, and often he will kick your ass, but it's better to get your ass kicked a few times then ending up with some lame girl.
7. Know Stuff, Or At Least Fake It
Now in the event that you are able to strike up a conversation without her shattering a beer bottle over your skull, always act like you know what you're talking about even when you don't. Never let on that you're clueless on any topic. If you are clueless, then say things that sound important but in reality are very vague. A personal favorite of mine is "Wow, that political decision by the leader has had a varying affect on the economy in social-economical fashion.” I've basically said nothing here, but when you're in a noisy bar and the girl is busy checking out your package (which you stuffed with a couple pairs of socks earlier in the night), she will think you're some sort of Alvin Einstein.
8. Make Her Feel Special
When you talk to a girl, try to tell her things that make her feel special and unique. A couple of my favorite lines are "Nice Ass” and "Nice boobs”. These are solid gold and never fail, girls love being complimented, especially if it's by a complete stranger and about their boobs, ass, or legs. For an added effect, you may also want to try whistling at them before or after saying your line. Be warned though, such an touching comment could trigger an inadvertent slap to your face, so keep your hands up and ready to defend. The harder the slap, the more she cares.
9. Listen To Them
Girls also like it when you listen to them... I don't know why they would think that, as if I care about what Joan Rivers wore to the Oscars or whom Dawson got pregnant, but they seem to live in some alternate dimension where this does matter. A personal favorite of mine at this point is the "smile and nod” technique, first popularized by the late, great Beethoven. Just act like you hear and care what they are saying, nod your head, and comfort yourself with the fact that they're one second closer to shutting up.
10. Be Rich
|Girls love rich dudes!|
Another thing I've noticed is that girls are often impressed by a guy that has money. It makes them think you'll be willing to take them out to nice places and buy them nice things… sure you're just going to take them to Denny's on their birthday and buy them a flower or two when they catch you in bed with their best friend, but they don't have to know that yet. So if you do have money, even if it is of the Monopoly variety, make it apparent. When I go up to the bar to buy another Pabst Blue Ribbon, I like to pay with a $100 bill each time. Sometimes, I like to drop the money on the floor and scream "OMG I DROPPED MY HUNDRED DOLLAR BILL”. I also always wear a giant gold chain with a dollar sign on it around my neck because only people with lots of money can wear something so ridiculous and still expect to land a lady… and trust me, they know that too.
Well, if you've followed these simple suggestions, you're well on your way to landing that woman of your dreams. And if you haven't followed my advice, then I hope you enjoy dieing old and alone.
(the pics on the original article are HILARIOUS!!)