|The (How Not To Be A) Bad Lover List
The following are sayings that we would like our sex partners to write on the blackboard 100 times...
- If I am inadequate in one area, I will compensate in others.
- I will pay attention to my partner‘s responses and move on to something different at the slightest sign of revulsion.
- I will not leave my socks on; it still counts.
- I will not vomit on my partner‘s private parts.
- Personal hygiene is good.
- Spitting is bad.
- Little pieces of toilet paper are neither a fashion statement nor a turn-on.
- I will not laugh at noises caused by friction.
- I will not smack my partner in the nose, accidentally or otherwise.
- I will not lay on my partner‘s hair.
- I will not tell my partner I wish she was more aggressive sexually, when I‘m always being bossy in bed.
- I will not limit my tongue‘s entire repetoire to simply thrusting stiffly (or limply) into my partner‘s mouth.
- I will be careful with my teeth.
- I will not comment on my partner‘s weight ever, in bed or otherwise.
- I will be careful with my fingernails.
- I will pay attention.
- I will not let my partner down by abruptly stopping what was just about to make her very happy.
- I will be careful with my jewellry.
- I will wash beneath my foreskin. Daily.
- I will not expect my partner to have the flexibility of a gymnast, when I can‘t even touch my toes.
- I will remember to bring condoms, lube, and spermicide.
- I will practise putting on condoms so that I don‘t totally spoil the moment with unskilled ineptitude.
- "Ouch" does not mean "ooh baby, do that again".
- I will not make her sleep on the wet spot.
- I will not attempt to suck my partner‘s tongue out of her head.
- I will not be so focussed on my "performance" that I will forget to have fun and enjoy myself too.
- I will not make fun of noises my partner makes in the heat of the moment.
- Having staying power is a good thing; doing the same thing for an hour is not.
- I will not say "This will only take a minute" or "This won‘t hurt a bit" as it will only make my partner nervous.
- I will not eat food with a lot of garlic in it beforehand, unless my partner does too.
- I will throw away my own condom.
- I will not stop to answer the phone, the door, or my pager.
- "No" does not mean "yes" or "maybe", nor is it a come-on line.