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I would love to know! I am in situation where I let my big mouth open up before gathering more info. So now I am sitting here day in and out 24/7 wether or not he did or did not sleep with her. It consumes me. So yes, I would deffinately want to know.

I can relate to what you are feeling. I agree with the other posters on here about you have every right to get ahold of his bill, but if you cannot, then here is what I did.

My husband has a work cell phone and I thought I could not get ahold of his bill...wrong! I knew who the carrier was and went to their website. They have a "wireless web portal", I tried to get in using his common user names and passwords but none of them worked. They would text him a temp. password so I just waited for him to go to sleep one night and WAH LAH , there it was. He didn‘t even know this was even available for him. Well anyway, the only bad thing is it only shows his outgoing not his incoming.

I know the girls home phone,cell phone,work cell (he works with her)and I always check it. I cracked his email at work and ALL emails has stopped there.

The thing with my situation is my husband denied anything other than friendship with this woman. And I spoke to soon,I should have waited it out to see where it went. So she is aware of my suspician as he is.I do not believe that it was just "friendship", there is tooo much there. But I am still looking and it drives me insane.

I hope the little bit of info helps you out a bit.

My husband and I have been married for 11 yrs and been together for 15. About 3 yrs ago we started having a lot of problems in our marriage such as fighting over the littlest things, we could not even agree on our parenting skills,he was working all the time ( I am a SAHM ) we both began to drink way more than usual and the sex was completely gone. Thing‘s were just going downhill for us and we both ignored it and let it happen.

Well around June of this year we were messing around ( having one of our good days ) and I noticed a wart on his testies. He was convinced that it was only a skin tag and I told him that he needed to get it checked out before he was touching me again. He went and of course, I was right (lol).That is when everything fell into place for me. I immediately asked him who the HELL he was messing around with b/c after 15yrs of being with him,this was NEVER an issue. He denied it ,of course. I went to my doctor and  found out that I also tested positive for HPV. BUT my Dr. told me that for the past 3 yrs he has tested all his patients for HPV and that this was my first positive. He tried to calm me down by telling me that this virus can be silent for years and just pop up out of nowhere and after reading up on it, I pretty much got the same answers. Anyway, I asked him to be honest with me and tell me the likeliness of this just showing up NOW and not earlier are, he was and stated that it is "odd" that this is just now showing up after 15yrs of being with someone.Well no further explanation for this is needed.

I had no hard evidence and nothing to go on that my husband was having an affair. I could not touch him, nor would I allow him to touch me. Well one night (about 2 months later ) I went to bed early, around 8pm, b/c I was sick and woke up around 12am. I walked up the stairs and as soon as I did he grabbed his cell phone ( which was sitting on the couch arm ) and tucked it under his leg. WTF!!I knew right then and there that something was up but I played along. I got me something to drink and sat down on a chair next to the couch. I just sat there for a minute and the whole time he was tucking that little phone further and further under his leg. I asked him what the hell he was doing and if he was expecting a phone call and he said "yeah , blank is suppose to call me about who to send to the shop 2morrow". I knew he was full of shit! I told him to give me the phone and after arguing with me about it a few minutes, I finally got it. I went to recently called numbers and there it was, a WHORE coworkers name called at 11:30pm.

I was furious of course and asked why the hell he was calling her at 11:30pm and you know what he said "to see if she needed me to bring a CD into work tomorrow". BS! I forgot to mention that these two have no reason to be calling eachother what-so-ever! Well like a dumb ass I told him if it was that innocent to call her back,well he did and said "MY WIFE ( very long and slow) wants to know if you want me to bring that CD in tomorrow." GOD, how stupid of me, I should have called. Anyway,that pretty much confirmed it.

He denied having anything to do with this woman but my gut told me differently so I followed that. I got into his work emails. There were emails from her, mainly jokes but jokes that had little hidden meanings that she would add. For example: at the bottom of one joke she wrote "see even an old man like yourself can think of something fast when it comes to two women"...and other sex jokes that made me sick to my stomache to even read. So one day after finding these emails when he got home from work I grabbed his phone and dialed her number and let it ring a few times and hung up. ( to see if she would call back ) She never did, so I checked his emails at work and there it was " saw you called around (500) I tried to call back immediately but I guess you left already. I will be in early tomorrow and I will see you then ". She called his office phone,but the call came from his cell. If it was so innocent why not call the cell back...Right?

Well like a dumb ass..AGAIN I showed him the email and confronted him about it and still he denied having anything to do with her. I kicked his ass out. My son over heard our conversation and was in complete hysterics and called him to beg him to go back home ( I felt so bad..for my son ) he came back home,slept on the couch of course. The emails stopped immediately after that. Cell phone records was on my next list.... got them and there they were. He called her that night I kicked him out at 12:30am. Once again... I confronted him.... now the damn phone calls have stopped also.

He is still here and denies doing anything with this woman at all and said they were only friends. I do not believe a word he says but am having the hardest time leaving him. He admits he should have never of "lied" to me that night, and that he understands he has created this problem and does not blame me for thinking otherwise but he still says he NEVER slept with her. I really do not have enough "proof" of an affair b/c I let my anger get the better half of me and I told him my little secrets , that I know how to hack his emails,how to get ahold of his work cell records .He has been a better man and a better husband to me since all of this but I feel until he admits what he has done, I cannot move forward.

I never gave that man a reason to think I would be even remotely close to being jealous of her. She actually is ugly and I am not only saying that as a scorned woman but she is. SO WHY LIE TO ME IF THERE WAS NOTHING TO HIDE? That is what I keep asking myself. Theres a lot more to this story and I have a lot more to say but I think this one is long enough and I will fill in the rest with responses. I have gotten into her cell voicemail, both work and personal... and this woman is one to obviously F*&k up peoples lives from messages I have heard.

I need help all and I am coming to you for it. To either move on with my marriage or help me let go which is a very good possibility. Thanks for listening and I am sorry this is so long.

Ok I listed "my story" below for those of you who want to catch up.

After reading through this forum absolutely ALL day , I was convinced that I was going to get the damn truth from him. My heart could not take it anymore nor could my nerves. He came home from work and ased why I was being so distant from him. I told him that I was in the process of getting more information and that if he needed to tell me anything more,then he should do it now! Well he turned all red and started shaking and asked what I was doing. I told him that it did not matter , what mattered was he be "honest" with me right now.

This "emotional affair" that my husband was/is having has been going on for a year. He said they went to lunch together, talked on the phone when I was not around but never anything sexual. ( which I am still having a hard believing) Never met up after work and ect.... you know the drill. With heart in my throat I told him to give me his phone he did and I called her.

She basically said the same damn thing. That they were only friends and co-workers and  I asked her why in the hell if it was so innocent all of these converations took place without me knowing about them late hours at night. Her response: you need to ask your husband that. Well I did and I want to hear yours. She said the only reason she was even talking to me is because it was done to her and she knows what I am feeling but wanted to her part. She is not married , never has been, no kids so how the hell can she know what I am feeling?  She even mentioned that... ‘you have children. I would never come between a man and his family‘ Yup thats right you BIATCH we have kids and you have come between us.. She said she thinks her and I should talk and I just told her that I have said what I needed to.

My husband was sitting there listening to the whole conversation right by me and did not think I would actually do it. God I would have loved to have a pic of his face. Anyway.... My husband said it started a year ago because he needed a friend. COME TO ME A$$hole was my response. He swears there was nothing sexual in thier relationshipand he also admitted he was the one who pursued her. He picked up the phone and called her first. I asked him if he had feelings for this woman and he said no... that he loves me and wants only me. That it took ALL of this to make him realize that.

My point here ladies and gents is this: he sat there and watched me for months loose my everlovin mind over this, lost tons of weight ( not that I was huge before ) have to go on valium just be able to get up out of the bed...and the reason I was feeling this way was because I knew that there was more to just a few phone calls. I PLEADED with him to tell me the truth and he stuck by his original story watching me go through this just to save his own A$$.Is that love? Does love let you stand by and watch the one you hurt so badly become her worse enemy? I am ready to give everything up for that very reason. Any advice?

Well It has been a tough weekend here. I cannot even look at him without tears forming and I HATE that I let him see that. I am trying SO VERY hard to keep my mind on my kids and not a make a decision based on anger and hurt. I do not know if I mentioned it or not (my mind is going in circles)but I gave him my wedding rings and told him that as of right now that I want out of this marriage. This was last Thursday and he asked me if I still wanted out and I told him that I really honestly did not know at this point but told him that I still did not need my rings b/c if  I ask for them back, I would HAVE to forgive him and not hold it over his head for the rest of our marriage. I am not ready to say that I forgive him yet or if I ever will be.

My friends took me out this weekend. I really did need that. I MADE sure I was looking good and he looked like a "lost puppy" when I left. He called about 2am and asked when I was coming home, I heard it in his voice. That man was worried. Well the whole time I was there, I was getting hit on... by very attractive men and might I add younger men. LOL It felt good to know to say " Hey, I still do got it"! :) But I did not take them up on any of the many offers of drinks and dancing, even though my mind was saying "Do it,get back at that a$$ for doing this to you", but nooooo... could‘nt do it. When I finally got home he was up waiting for me and when I undressed he was stark raving mad.... "Why the hell you wearing thongs"...I seldom wear them. (never liked them) but I just wanted to start laughing my a$$ off instead I said " To feel good in and out".  After a few words, I just looked at him and said " call her and complain" and went to sleep.

Anyway,Sunday he was all messed up. He said he DOES not want to lose me and his family and I asked why LOVE could not stop him before? That is what stopped me... LOVE. Why could it not stop him? He asked me if I beleived in the whole " it takes a really bad situtaion to make you wake up" ... I said yes  I do.... then he said that he never knew what he had until he saw that it could be gone. He even said he wanted to renew our vows..... he actually asked me to remarry him. I told him I did not know what I wanted to do.

Do you ladies believe that that theory? Can someone change once they have done something so terribly wrong?

The thong thing was priceless. It did feel good to have those men hit on me... it has been awhile. But that whole bar scene...so not me.

Lastnight when he got home from work, it was everything I could not do than to just get up and slap that man right across the head. Of course we are being "cordial" with eachother for the kids but damn it is so hard. While sitting at the dinner table my daughter said to me, "Mom,you need to put some of that stuff that is in your curio (spell check) in your hopechest? " I just replied , yeah honey I do. Well all that is in there is my wedding stuff... like our "eternity" candle , our wine glasses, and precious moments that he has given me over the years. My daughter is 9 and she just meant, well it is cluttered. (which it is )My husband looked over in it and said " there is nothing in there that needs to be put away". Then my daughter walked over and started to read our "unity" candle : Today I marry my friend...... Well that was it.( That hurt like hell ) I ran to the bathroom and cried my everluvin eyes out. When I walked out he went in ...he was in there for awhile.

I woke up this morning @ 3am and found a 6 pg note from him. Saying the same ole same ole.... begging me to forgive him and to PLEASE allow him to show me that he is changed man. It was a touching letter. I want to so much believe that he has changed but it sooooo hard. I do believe that people can change..hell mom and dad went through the same damn thing. They were ready to sign the divorce papers and then they decided to try it again. They are very happy now and living up both of their retirements. I am getting some peace from them. Some little hope.

I don‘t know.... Just thanks for listening.

sunny...

I am not letting him off the hook so easy. I am not sure what to do..he is well aware of that. What you said is SO very true...either way it is going to be a long road down HELL. Not me making it hell for "him" but just hell in general. And my poor kids.... I feel the pain for them more than I do for myself. Thanks I needed that hug. One right back at you. What is your story Sunny?

My first instinct is to OUT her... my situation is nothing like yours other than the fact that there were lies,deciet,cheating...but not with an escort. That is gross. You have to also think about STD‘s. Who the hell knows what this woman may pass onto you.

I agree that you have to think about you first and ask yourself this question everyday, which I am doing everyday, Do I deserve this?

Good luck and keep posting.

Talk,Talk,Talk,Talk.....that is all we do now. I am glad he is opening up to me but at the same time I am finding out more and more that makes it more painful.

He told me lastnight that she did tell him he better quit calling her and that he was going to get in trouble with me if I ever find out. But yet he continued. He continued to call her and she continued to accept. I asked him if he is only triyng to protect her from "me" and he said no I am finally being honest with you. God I hate knowing that she got that satisfaction from my husband.

I spoke with my sis and she seems to think this is more about HIM and not HER. That maybe her intentions were not the same as his, OH COME THE F ON! If she knew it would get his A$$ in trouble then why would she continue unless there was more on her part? The fact that I have to live with the idea with them at work everyday is killing me. He said he did take her friendship for granted and abused it. Oh who the hell knows... I am just rambeling.

Oh god creampuff...

I told him that I did not even want that woman asking how thing‘s are...I told him to tell her that I said that it is no longer her damn concern. She has done enough "caring" for my husband. Will he say that...nope but I can dream can‘t I? The thought of  a HI even irritates the hell out of me.

My husband and her office are right next to eachother! That is what just EEEEEKS me..( if that is even a word ) He can hear her,she can hear him , they have to pass eachother and ect. My husband has offered to quit his job and search elsewhere but that is not logical at this time. Why quit if I do not even know if I am going to be able to forgive him? I also told him that maybe it should be her A$$ that quits his "job title" is much higher than hers and she can find a job elsewhere...like in Alaska!  I even out of fit of anger told him I should send his boss the emails that SHE sent him to get her a$$ fired and that the only thing stopping me is the fact that he would also and I need that alimony and child support.... 

You have much more sympathy than I.... I would be glad that she got forced out of her job. I would not bat an eye at the very thought of it. If she played with him and HE pursued it shame on him for taking it futher and shame on her for even given him that damn thought knowing what she knows. He IS a married man.

The counselor situation... that is just messed up. As far as the "jerking"off ...that would be it. There would be no if‘s, what‘s about it...that FU**&R would be out. If he said yeah I fantasize about this women on TV would be one thing...but to admit to the fact that he fantasizes about HER...OMG. As to answer your question...yes. I think it is normal for men and yes even women to fantasize about "other" people. It is when they take the fantasy further that it becomes a problem. When they start feeling that fantasy taking over them..meaning they want to live out the fantasy.... that is when it goes beyond the real world.

 Broke his phone.... Good one. I have broken many things but not his phone...he would HAVE to get it replaced. So what is the point! I have wanted to break the phone right over his damn head.

That is how I feel " HOW DO YOU THINK IT IS BITCH? " DUH. I hate that word but really..... DUH

First..I would like to say I am not "sure" why you are quoting me. I said my "first" instinct is to out her...not "to" out her. And yes this woman SHOULD be concerned about std‘s. This woman is an "escort" , come on.. Are you telling me that she should not worry about that?

I agree with alot of what you have to say and a lot of it makes sense. I do not blame TOW ... I BLAME MY H for bringing this woman into our marriage. I do not like TOW and for good damn reason. She knew me ... she knew his kids... for years. She should have not accepted those phone calls knowing I knew nothing about them. Why she accepted them I am sure you are correct...she has been here herself. But does that give that woman the right? No it does not. I am here...would I do this to another woman b/c of this...HELL NO!  If anything I am more apt NOT TO b/c I am going through this. I know my H is really the only one to blame here. I am not an idiot..but to express anger toward her is a "naturel" reaction for the very reasons that I have given above.

You wrote " SO CALLED" wife.... I am not his "SO CALLED" wife...I AM HIS WIFE! He took those vows to me.. no one else but me. I have no idea WTH you meant by that  or maybe I am an idiot and not seeing the words behind the words. I chose my H b/c I loved him and thought I could share a lifetime of happiness with him. I did not CHOSE him to do this to me. I did not go into this marriage and say " hey, I know you are going end up bringing another woman into our marriage, but it is ok, I will sit back and wait for that to happen to me b/c I CHOSE you 13 yrs ago and b/c you lied to me before..(little ones) I will have to accept it". I totally disagree with you on that. I CHOSE the man I LOVE. The man I thought would never hurt me in such a manner. Marriage is such a risk no matter which way you look at it.

Sure in the beginning it is all about YOU... it is like that with any relationship. It  beleive it is called "courting". Do you really think that every woman on here ASK for this? My H never gave me any reason to think he would do such a thing to me. I dated that man for 2 yrs before I married him. You really think that if I knew I‘d be here today that I would have...or any of these woman? We all know sex does not = love.

 I came here not to bash TOW ( I am expressing anger which I have the right to)... I came here to try to get help for what my H has done to me from others that has been hurt so badly by their H and have been able to fix it or move on.

As I said before.. I do agree with most of what you say but the fact that we CHOSE this ,is one I do not. Trust me.. If it does not work out with my H , I will be more wiser but for all the damn wrong reasons....That I have been hurt so badly by the one I LOVED before.

I am a newbie here and I got a WONDERFUL welcome until..yesterday. This reply was a direct reply to another woman‘s post. It upset me...but I am not going to run. I need help from these beautiful woman on here and I know  I have came to the right place.

Woman are woman and sometimes we tend to not see the "whole" part of the message..but only the negativity. I responded, probably taken the wrong way, but it is what I felt. Is that not what this forum is for? To post what we feel and yes sometimes disagree.

Ramble On..

Being a newbie on here I had no idea that you were TOW.. Do I think less of you..nope Actually I think you could probably help me. You are right...I do not know the lies that my H told her. I do not know what conversations they had, he only tells me that "work,her,us,and ect". They both swear there was nothing sexual between them, I am sure the attraction was there but as far as actually getting he says no. I have no proof either and never will so I have to go with what he tells me. It just sucks.... that I have been put in this position by him. And PLEASE do not take this wrong way..but why on earth would you (once as tow) put that pain on someone else? If you knew he was the type of man that would cheat on his wife...why put yourself there? No matter what the man has said to you. I do believe that there were more intentions on my H‘s part than hers but I just can‘t get ahold of the fact as to why she would let it continue.Maybe you can help me understand that.

I want to thank you for the appology but YOU owe me nothing ... I feel she does. Will I ever get it...NOPE. I know this.

I am not a "OW" hater..I hate her right now. BUT I hate him as well. I have so many emotions right now that I keep boucing from pain to hate to pain to hate to revenge. But I know one day these emotions will calm down to one: forgive or not forgive. That will be my ending emotion.

And thanks for clearing up a few things from what Wisdom said...

Ok.. I am so sorry if you all are tired of hearing from me but I need to talk. This morning I woke up to my husband kissing me and holding onto me so tight that I thought I was not going to be able to breathe. At first I wanted to push him off me but at the same time it felt so good. I justed started crying... WTF. I do not know if he did this b/c he knew my day was going to be another day of hell , knowing he was there with her or if he really just needed to be against me. I had a terrible day yesterday and spoke about it with him and how I honestly do not know how much longer I can torture myself like this. Talk it out right? That is what I am suppose to be doing right? Talk about my feelings.

The thing that pisses me off is that I am seeing a "changed" man and I cannot accept him.(even others around me,knowing the situation,says he has changed) HE said I do not have to right now..just let him show me. I know I keep repeating myself and I am so sorry... I honestly do not know what I have written and not written. Will I ever allow myself to accept him or am I going to keep this damn wall up? For one moment yesterday, I thought ok I can forgive him..then  my damn mind went back to what he did and boom... I do not know if I can. I do not want to dwell on this...I want to understand it. I NEED to undertsand it before I can get on with my life. Is that normal? I mean come on..what is there to undertsand. My husband wanted attention and he felt I was not giving it to him and went elsewhere for it. What the hell more am I looking for? What is that "key" that will un-lock this for me?  

Thanks for the ,one right back at you. I know I am not to "blame" for his feeling of not getting attention. HE is not putting the blame on me either. HE blames only himself. Which I think is a good start. He has never said "This is your fault". He has only said this is "MY FAULT". I will deffinately look into that book that you reccomended and maybe get some insight.  

My husband has never said " I admitted it...let‘s move on", he is actually doing the opposite. He allows me to scream,cry,rip him apart when I need to.He allows me to let that anger/pain.

I know what you mean when you say you trust nothing your H says or does... I am in the same boat. My H let‘s me know every move he makes at this moment..in a way..I actually feel bad for that. WHY! I have no clue.

I wish you well and thanks for the kind words.

Like one other lady said to me on this site...I sure could sit and listen to all my h‘s problems too if I wasn‘t washing his clothes, making supper, caring for the kids, cleaning the house.  It would be real easy for me then.

Perfect.... There is nothing more that needs to be said on that issue. Exactly!

And yes we SHOULD be greatful that our H‘s are trying to be close to us again.. but as you and I stated..Those damn thoughts go on.

My H does not like the fact that I talked to people about our problem...but where else was I to go? I had no one and he was the last person I wanted to talk to about it at the time.I honestly wish HE would talk to someone about it other than myself...(not her of course ) but my mother and father have gone through this and my dad has offered to talk to him but my H has to go to him. Shame is what is keeping him from doing that right now. How can he look into the eyes of the man he PROMISED to cherish and protect his daughter for the rest of her life?

You and I have a lot in common creampuff....

We are looking at counselling, but there are some days, I just want to throw up my arms and say f it!   However, not so easy when you are still in love with the ah, after everything they did

I say that everyday.... Let‘s do counseling...but then I say " OH F&%$ this shit". The truth is I was burnt when I was younger with counselors and it is hard to give that trust to them. I was molested by my sis‘s BF for years and when I finally had enough I had to OUT him. That dumb bastard (counselor) tried to be BLAME me for what HE had done. Uh huh .. OK

I still do LOVE my H very much.... I have lost respect for him... but I still do LOVE him with everything I am. Is that going to be enough though...this is what I ask myself.  

I am a stay at home mom and the kids are in school.. so I have the whole day to think about this shit and try to find more,more,more. It too... drives me out of my everluvin mind.

My h was traveling and had me check his emails for him, I did and found some correspondence between them and couldn‘t help but  look....he complimented her on something work-related and she replied back "so you still like me?"  My h replied back with a simple, "yes, I appreciate you".  I think she was trying to check to see if she still fit into his life, friend or whatever.  Stupid bitch...I would so love to call her and tell her, if she hasn‘t realized it already..."he‘s not available, go look for someone who is"  I don‘t know if I would be that nice, but something along those lines!

Sunny... you are a . Thanks for ALL of your kind words. I know it will get worse before it gets better ... he is well aware of that also.

He really truly is trying.... just yesterday I was having a HUGE meltdown and he left work and came home. He said I am here for you.... let me be here for you. Well words was not talking to me , it was the fact that he came home. His actions spoke to me. 

The affair went on for a year...  They both claim it was only phone conversations, nothing more. So I guess you would call it  an "emotional affair". The thing I am having to battle is the fact that they work together...offices right next to eachother. THAT SUCKS.

And yes, his focus is on me right now. He is trying to show me.. but it is so hard. I have been burnt by counselors as I stated in another reply... so it is hard for me to put my trust in them right now. One day, maybe I will.

Vent baby Vent.....

It has been tough for everyone of us and I think with eachothers support... we can rebuild that trust. We may be our worst enemy right now..meaning knowing what we know.... but one day we will move on. It is just taking so damn long!

I agree with meandnotyou..

In order to start a healing process HE needs to say what he has done. HE needs to let you know what feelings (if any) he may have for your friend. Before this, the constant wondering is going to drive you up the wall. He needs to give you that oppurtunity to ask yourself ‘Is this a forgiveable act on his part‘. I like to call it more of a priveldge if that makes any sense.

He was with her the nite you were in the hospital right?And your friend confirmed this? If this is the case..tell him your friend fessed up and now it is his turn.

Welcome to womansavers and you have come to the right place to find what you need.... friends who have been there.

Damnit...... Why haven‘t I thought of any of these.

If and that is a big Fing IF I would get revenge on her, I guess I would OUT HER. Besides her "Regular‘ job she teaches young children.. I would put a flyer in every single of those parents mailboxes.

BEWARE: WHORE ENVASION

The contract you are about to sign is giving this whore the right to try to F&%K your child‘s father.

Lame I know, but all I can think of at this moment.

There ain‘t NF‘ing WAY that I could go.... I would smack the bitch right when I seen her. At leaste that is my feeling right now. IF she even looked my way... that would be it. But I also would love the fact of rubbing it in HER face. Toughy here!

I do not know if I would even allow him to go. But my situation is new here... I do not know how I‘d feel later on.

PS. I tried to message you back but I think something went wrong.

I tell my H the same... If he thinks no one in the office has noticed a "change" in their behavior toward eachother..think again. That alone makes me embarrassed for MYSELF.

Women talk and I am sure that OW has confided to someone on the situation.

This past week was a week of hashing it out,crying it out,fighting it out,every emotion you can possibly think of.

My H took the week off last week so that we could have some time to talk about thing‘s without the kids around. My H really opened up to me about a lot of thing‘s. I understand now that he TRULY is sorry for what he has done to me and our family. I have to accept what he has done and work in the right direction to make my marriage work. I am the one that holds the key to that. I am the one that holds the key to letting him show me that he is infact a changed a man. That it took something so AWFUL for him to wake up and say "What the hell are you doing?!Why am I risking everything I love for something that means nothing to me?!" I have to forgive him. I WANT TO FORGIVE HIM.

Even after all the pain that man has caused me, I still love him with EVERYTHING that I am. I still see the man I married deep in those eyes, not the person capable of doing what he did. Which I believe I cought before it went any further than conversation. For some reason I was woken up that night to find him on the phone with her and I believe that reason was to HELP him see he is  a better man than that.That he has had everything right in front of him all along and he disregarded it. He got lost. He made a mistake by confiding to another woman when he should have confided in me. His temptation was tested at his lowest point in life and unfortunately , temptation won. Do I believe it will win again..No..that is why I must forgive him. Does that make any sense at all to any of you?

There are no gaurantees in anything... and I must be willing to accept that. I am not ready to give up on my marriage or the life that I have built around him.The life we built together. Am I scared to death...hell yes I am. But I was scared to death the day I married him also.. there are no gaurantees. I must believe my H has learned from this and I must believe in HIM.

This past week I saw a side of my H that I never seen before... Not even the day I married him or before. And that is what I must believe in.

This may sound really F‘ED up but I don‘t know wether to hate her or thank her. I hate her for being the ear that my husband chose but I also thank her for making him see what he truly has in front of him. God...that does sound F‘ed up.

Is the healing part all? 

His actions are the things speaking to me right now... My H has lied to me so many times that his "word" really means nothing to a certain degree.

He talks to me everyday about thing‘s..never once blamed me for him seeking elsewhere. He shows his affection to me in manners he never did before , no not sexually either. He has offered counseling but I am the one that is against it at this time b/c of past bad expierence. I am his support group and we are our counselors with eachother. ( does that make sense )When he gets home, I am the first he runs to. He is showing me the respect that I have so deserved for many years and never received before. There are so many that I can not list them all. But the most is he is being open with me and showing that openess in every action he has done.

I agree with your "Forgiveness" quotes : I know I will never forget what he had done...but one day that pain will subside. I am looking for a better today...everyday. Yesterday has past and gone... but today is a new start.

Thanks for your concern.

I think you are lucky that you found out before anything happened. I also think it is human to make mistakes, and that you seem to be a great person and that you know what is really important to you - your man, and your life with him. Because you know that, it will be easier to forgive, and I do hope one day you‘ll be able to trust him again.

Liveandlearn-Thanks for the kind words. Knowing what is really important to me is the what "Drives" me to forgiveness. I know the trust is going to take a long time to re-build but that is a mountain I am willing to climb. I believe in US,our family, our lives. Looking back on thing‘s has really opened up my eyes. This whole situation has not only made HIM see but ME also. What we both stand to lose if either one of us ever give into that "temptation" again. I met my H when I was very young and he was the world to me..he is 8 yrs my senior. Our first few months were a bit rocky b/c of the age differnence but we got past both those. I believe we can get past this. I WANT TO GET PAST THIS!

Sunny-once again you are a . My H does understand that this is going to be a "sloooow process". He is prepared for the ups and downs of this rollercoaster. I know there are going to be BAD days but I also know there are going to be GOOD. We have talked and talked and you know , if my H really has changed (which I believe he has) it would be a damn shame for me to miss out on that. If for some reason we are tested once again... the worst that could happen is we go our seperate ways. I am not expecting a fairy tale marriage...as we both still have many years ahead of us..he is well aware that if  an another woman is ever brought back into our marriage...there will be no looking back. That is where I have to believe in him. This incident was the first REAL BIG FUCK UP he has ever done.. Meaning the one thing I swore was an unforgiveable act..another woman. But as I stated... I believe that I cought it in time before "thing‘s" could get any further. There is some reason for that, I never was one to believe in the whole "faith,destiny" thing but I have found new spiritual side of me that I have never seen before. For the first time yesterday, it did not bother me that he was at the same place as her, sure it crossed my mind but I focused on all we accomplished while he was home with me instead of thinking "he is there with HER, I thought, he is there to support his wife and family". That to me is a BIG step on my part.

meandnotyou- Thanks for not thinking I am totaly nuts. When I wrote that I did not know wether to thank her or hate her... I thought I was going to BASHED with a bunch of hell NO‘s....don‘t thank that bitch. Which I still think she is ... I still harbor very "ILL" feelings toward her and still do not know what I would do if I seen her today. This is my question : Is part of my healing having to forgive her b/c they are co-workers? I will have to face this woman one day... where does she fit in my healing process?

Thanks to all that posted.

I agree with meandnotyou on this one.... This is his way of lashing out his guilt onto you. He is thinking " If I am capable...then how can she not.Ecspecially now that I have hurt her the way I have.She has every right to".  I agree to just calmly talk to your H about it when he returns home and ask him WTF that was all about. Leave out the WTF. Do not feed his guilt by letting him see that this got to you the way it did. I mean let him know that you do not appreciate it but do it in a manner that will leave him thinking.

When I found out all this shit about my H.. I went out with my GF‘s and was looking damn good. I told my H that we would probably be home a little after 10 considering we were just going to dinner and a few drinks. Well ended up in a bar and at 1:30am my H was calling left and right. I did not know it until I looked b/c of how loud it was in there...so I called and he was asking " When you coming home, where are you, who is that man in the background..and ect?" Welp,we got a cab and got home around 2:30am or 3am , I really do not remember , I was toast. But I do remember the look of  FEAR on his face when I came in and when I undressed , he saw I had my black thongs on. His reaction was " WTF you wearing those for? " It really was priceless.  You see where am I going? Since he was capable of doing this to me... he is going to think I am capable also. It is him dealing with his guilt onto you.

Wish you luck sweetie and let us know how it goes.

My OW said the same damn thing : " Oh I am sorry, I would never come between a family. I think you have it all wrong. We need to sit and talk. " Um let me see... you knew that I knew nothing of the phone calls and yet you continued to speek to my H... Is that not coming between my Family Bitch" Those were my words.  Yeah I did have it all wrong.. my H did lean on her for things he FELT could not say to me..but that still does not give her the right.

Anyway, I know it is my husband that chose this path but I STILL despise her.

God.... I am fearful for the day I do see her.

sunny fl wrote:

shally wrote: steamed, I say never forgive the ole tramp..... I‘m kidding. We give forgiveness because it feels so good. And besides that, bitterness and anger causes wrinkles. Really you wear it like a 50 pound weight. I‘m not interested in that. I know that you aren‘t either. When you are ready and in your own time, no one elses you will know what to do with your feelings concerning her. Just concentrate on healing you and rebuilding your marriage. As long as she stays out of the marriage she really is of no importance to you. Its been five years for me. I never seen her, think I know what would happen if I saw her. Sunny promised to bail me out....... You sound like you have a very good head on your shoulders. Its women like you that make me proud to be a woman. You "get it". Family first, you will fight for it till the end, and if the day comes that there is nothing left to fight for you will move on with no regrets. I hope you stick around here, your wisdom is invaluable. Hey Shally that reminds me,  you need to send my the name and contact information for your lawyer,  that way i know who to contact for bail information!  haha Steamed  you know what is right for you,  you know what you can and cant live with.  give it your all  and if it doesnt work  you know you tried!   About  the other woman,  the day will come that you see her,  i dont think you will ever beable to forgive her, but maybe you will realize that it was your husband that did this to you,  that whore was just that a whore and he was weak and befriend her.  It has taken me almost a year to realize that if he said no  none of this would have happened.  I want to send all the whores to one state  and leave the rest of us alone!!!

Let‘s send them ALL away. That would be the life would it not.... but the damn problem would still be there. When my husband told me he would find another job if need be, I just looked at him and said " What would that solve? At leaste here I know who I am dealing with". He did not care for that answer.

I am going to give it my all and I have all you wonderful ladies to Thank for that. Not just by people who have responded to my messages... but reading post and the ones that have survived betrayal. I know it is going to be LONG road.... and I hope all will help me down this road.

Wow, what a wild night. I think you did the right thing by going and getting him. That only shows what a woman you are and that he knows you are there by his side.

If this is what you truly want cream... you stand by him. But make sure he stands by you also. Do not do ALL the work. I am glad you seen the sincereity in him that night.... now let him keep showing you. 

geesh... I agree ... I would being out of my everluvinmind if I had to see the OW everyday. God... just thinking about it sends chills up my spine.

I think about going up to his work and surprising him for a lunch .. just to see... but I do not dare right now b/c I do not trust myself. One side of me says "Go" b/c in a way I feel like I am "hiding" from her like a little kid that has just been told that he was going to be beat up after school. Then the the other side says ‘NO‘ , you are not ready yet.

Thank God the woman has not tried to contact me. I called her and was so furious that I did not even get out half of what I wanted to say to her. Even though I am curious to see what "more" she has to say for herself at times. (she offered to meet with me when I called her) I want to... but then again I do not.

I know I donot HAVE to forgive her but I hate harboring these feelings. I am not a hateful person at all and I hate having those feelings. Even though they are so rightly deserved toward her. Do not get me wrong... even though I am moving forward with my H , I still harbor those feelings for him also. I look at him sometimes and say to myself, how can you do that? And then boom... the rush of hate falls all over me.

Do any of you ladies ever feel like that V8 commercial? You know where you are always getting "bonked" on the head or feel like going up to someone and "bonking" them on the head?

Just curious. Sometimes I feel like that... Sometimes I feel like everywhere I go I am getting "bonked" on the head or feel like "bonking" someone on the head.

mushroom.... What are you thinking? Come on! Why if there is no reason in hell that these two need to have to contact..why is HE having contact? To see if those "Feelings‘ are there... what feelings?! Feelings of love,friendship,wanting to leave you, WHAT!

Do not sell yourself short..do not let these two put a "blinder" on you. If your H respected you and she truly was sorry.. there would be no contact. They would respect you enough to let it go. Respect yourself enough to LET HIM GO if he continues these actions.

My husband knows damn well that if he even says a little "how was your weekend" to this OW that I would fly off the handle. In my situation there was nothing sexual about it.. (I believe I caught it in time)I understand they are going to pass eachother in the hallways of work.. and a simple "hey" is what I must deal with and he tells me if he spoke to her or not.

Look, I am not trying to come down on you hard and I understand every emotion you are going through right now, we all do... but this just fires me up. BE STRONG.. tell him you want these lunches , drinks to STOP! You will have your answer to his feelings then and he will too.  If he continues then he obviously is not willing to work on his marriage with YOU..If he stops then you have to trust that he wants to work on it.

shally wrote:

Steamed do you know what *bonked* use to mean......giggle Anyways, of course don‘t we all have those days? Some more than most? (like maybe, Sunny? hehhehehe) Some days logic just isn‘t in the cards!

Fill me in Shally....  what did "bonk" mean ?

I am not up to date on your story but this woman actually introduced you to her new BF? WTF!  (not yelling at you of course) Wow... the balls of this woman.

It is nice to have so many in your corner. Without that support of others,it would be harder than it already is to move on.

bubble-Space can be a good thing and a bad thing... it all depends on how you "use" that space. You do have a lot on your plate right now and I am truly am sorry for that. Geesh.. doesn‘t it seem like that when the tough get going ...it goes even harder? Can‘t catch a break? Everyone around you wants SOMETHING from you. It could make an insane person insane. Keep your head up girl and stick to your guns.

BTW...did he go to the Pub?

Sorry you are going through this pain. I think you need to take a step back and realize what it is that you are "truly" seeking. You say you saw this man in your dreams but honey...you never saw the man on the inside.The outside of this man is what always intrigued you. This image of a man that would love you and your daughter and go off to work everyday to provide for you. That is what I believe you were seeking. But on the other hand...all of us on here had a dream about a "man" that would someday come along and sweep us away. And look where we are at.

If your H will not give you an answer as to why he has these profiles then his actions are speaking louder than words. You do not need his words..listen to his actions and that is where you will see your answer.

Do not look at yourself as his doormat... look at yourself as the one that truly loved him and he took advantage of that. These other women on these sites...are only eyecandy and could not give two shits about him. One day,if this does not work out, he will look back and remember that and he will hate himself for it. Know in your heart that you gave that man the best of you. Then work on it from on there. Do you want to save this marriage? Is he even willing to put an effort into saving this marriage? That is what you need to start out with first.

As far as the REVENGE AFFAIR...that would be the worst thing you could do...not to him but to YOURSELF. Respect yourself enough not to give into those feelings of hate and pain right now. Trust me...it crossed my mind many times and had many offers also..but I felt better knowing I walked away. You will go through every emotion possible, anger,pain.happy and ect.... and we will be right here for ya.

Ok so in this dream I was at a work function that of course the biatch was there... We were all dressed up and may I say I was looking mighty hot in this dream. Anyway, it was like in this arena and when everyone went scrambling, I got seperated from my H. There were so many doors and I was sitting there trying to figure out which one to open. I opened this door and it took me into the top of the arena.... there way on the otherside was my H with a buddy looking around and his buddy said there she is. He walked all the way over to the other side of the arena and took me by the hand to lead to me where our seats were. At the bottom of the section there she was and she said : "trust me, I know he is married ". I pulled her out of the seat and started to beat the living shit out of her. And everyone just stood there and watched. Then I woke up.

I know it was only a dream but it felt so good to get my hands on her. I was actually mad when I woke up b/c I was not done.

Tony... I could have written this myself (but for my H) He recently had an "emotional affair" with a coworker. When I say emotional I mean that he would call her when I was not around and he kept this hidden from me. He was at a very low point in his life and felt he could not come to me for omfort...why, b/c he did not want me to see that weak side of him. He has been friends with this woman for years and it never bothered me until I found it they were talking outside of work and when I finally caught them on the phone he lied to me about it. Anyway... jump forward. That was in March and after some digging I found out there was more to it than that. They never had sex but the emails were not one that a wife would exactly appreciate another woman sending her husband. After confronting him right then and there, I gave him the opportunity to tell me everything. Well it is now November and all those months knowing in my gut that there was MORE... I found out that the calls were more frequent and lasted for almost a year til the day I found out in March. So where are we: back to square one.

Anyway, My point is that your wife is going to go every emotion possible. One day she is going to love the hell out of you but the next she may hate the site of you. What you did was an awful thing to this woman. And it is not going to get patched up in a day,months,years...it will get patched up when she is ready to "undertsand" the whole situation. She is asking herself.. WHY? WHY? What did I do wrong? Will he ever do it again? What about this child? And until she can answer these questions she is going to be on a emotional rollercoaster. You have to be there and understand her. You have to let her get those feelings out. You have to let her scream and shout...cry . That is the only way she is going to heal. She may not be able to forgive you... or she may be able to. Without sounding harsh...you put this on her plate. You dealt her this hand and you have to accept that.

My H has told me that it took this awful thing to make him wake up and see what he stands to loose. The life we built together , our children, our past..everything. I believe in his sincereity and I know he is truly is sorry for putting this on my shoulders. He is becoming a better man right before my eyes. To tell you the truth, his words mean nothing to me right now, it is his actions. He made those vows to me 11 yrs ago never to step out on me... and he has lied to me so many times , that honestly his words mean nothing. But his actions..his willingness to let me go on that rollercoaster ride and him be there to hold my hand through it means more to me than anything. Are you doing this for your wife? When she is having a bad day..does she call you at work and you come running home to hold her to show her that you are in fact there? You can tell her all you want that this is never going to happen again... but to be honest...she has to see it. She has to know in her heart of hearts that you are sincere. ask yourself if you are showing that?

I  am not giving up on my marriage.. even after all that has been done...he is still the one I love. He is still the one I want to grow old with. The difference in our situation is that there was no sex,no child..and that I cannot even begin to think what may have been if that were the case. My H has told me he is not giving up...that he knows that this is what he wants. Me,his kids, OUR LIFE. If you truly love your wife, you will not give up on her. You will fight for her til whatever outcome may come of this. I will never forget what my H did but I will someday forgive. She is still going through that. She is still having those emotions. She is wondering is there more?

Do you BELIEVE in the two of you? If you do not, then let her go... but if you walk away from this... know in your heart of hearts that it is truly the right decision. You sound sincere to me... and I hope you are able to work things out with her. I hate to see any marriage fail. But you also sound like you are almost to the point of giving up. My H said the same thing " I feel like I should let you go to relieve you of the pain that I have caused you but my heart will not let me" Truth is I would be more hurt if he walked away.

Talk to her...be there for her...hold her....kiss her... and if she does end up forgiving you for this...THANK HER EVERYDAY!

Did I ever let any steam out in that dream.... god it felt sooo good!    Maybe that was my way of beating her ass.

I‘ve had those dreams too when I actually see them together and boy oh boy.. I do break down.

BustyLaMoan wrote:

steamed wrote: Sam I Am wrote: Some days I just fantasize that some jerk will mess with me--try to steal my purse (that is a laugh as the joke would be on him) or something and give me an excuse to punch his lights out.  I sometimes feel like my anger is just simmering away and might just boil over.  That is why I drink lots of coffee in the morning, lots of beer on the weekends, and generally smoke too much.  Simmering anger.  Yeah, that‘s my excuse and I am sticking to it! SAM WE sound alike.... coffee,booze and cigs. I swear  I am up to 2 packs a day now. Better add me to this list of people who need coffe fuel, booze relaxant, and are chimney heads!

Some nights....  Hot Totties are the only thing that relaxes me. I get that knot in my stomache and it seems to help..just my nerves. Cigarettes well... they just make up for the food that I cannot eat b/c of my nerves.

First of all..if the harrassment at work does not stop...seek a lawyer if the employer does not do anything about it.

As far as someone taking pics of your house..it could be a random realitor. Do you have any other homes in your area for sale? They are all over the place here and I see people taking pics all the time. Comparing the homes you know. Anyway...keep an eye out..tell your sis to. Next time you see this truck..get the plates and call the police to find out.

I am sorry to hear that your marriage is pretty much over... Why do people say your H paid this woman? Do you really think he would do this? I mean..does this woman have history within the work place of making people pay  for sex? If that is the case...go to a higher management.

Goodluck

ask for a partial refund!!! Lol.

I know what you mean about the "almost feel like you are protecting her" (in other words) The woman my H was speaking to is only a damn secretary and she teaches on the side... and when he offered me to quit his job...I was like "you have higher importance in your job, why should she get off scott free". But the truth is..that is her career. She has worked there as long as he has... If there was sex involved.. I do not think I would be so kind though. I hate to admit..but I think I would have already outted her and my H to their boss. Who btw..is a HUGE family man.

Question:

Do any of you ladies ever go over to "The OTHER board" and I am pretty sure you know which one I am speaking of b/c I have heard it mentioned here ?

I find myself going there and reading and then I get that stupid F‘ing feeling again. Why do I torment myself like that?

Today I promise to NOT check his email...NOT check his v/m .... I will keep a positive attitude. Quit going to the "other board"... I will know in my heart that he loves me and it is only I who he is thinking of.

Just a little self note to myself.

supermom21664 wrote:

Wishing each and every person here a very Happy Thanksgiving!! Praying that all will be safe throughout this holiday!! Happy shopping to all of you that will be out on Friday!!

Right back at ya! Although I am NOT one of those crazy shoppers for Black Friday... Did it one year..NEVER AGAIN!

shally wrote:

MommieKimberly wrote: shally wrote: With his propensity towards teens, I would keep an eye on my daughters if I were you. How old are your teens? Be careful with a man like that. He uses his position of authority to "move in" on these young girls. And at 18 they are girls. I�m sure he does have some redeeming qualities. But if he isn�t loving and respecting his wife and the mother of his children, he isn�t much of a man. A real man, one that respected you, would be exhibiting self control over his impulses. This is what he needs help with, and the sooner he gets it the better. Please keep an eye on your daughters.   My girls are 12 and my oldest will be 15 on Jan. 1st...I already asked him if I need to watch him around their friends (i had an attitude and I was being a bitch when I said it) and his response was "Now that is a little disturbing"!  "Tell me about!" i said.  I want to wrok through this!!!!!!!!!  help me im dying inside!!! You are not ready to face the facts of your situation, and for that I‘m sorry. You say you are very happy together, yet he continues to cheat on you. Listen, did you really expect him to give you an honest answer concerning your daughter and her friends. What is he going to need to do to make you realize who and what he really is. An 18 year old girl is still a child. Sure they may think they are all grown up, but they are no match for a predator and that‘s just what your husband is. A predator. Please open your eyes to your husband, before it is to late. I know you are hurting and I know its breaking your heart, you are young too, are you close to family? Where is your mom? Do you have friends you can turn to? If you can‘t afford a counselor, go to the Department of Human Services, or your local church and talk to the Pastor. You need help, you need to figure out why you are allowing this man to treat you this way. You deserve so much better. By the way your daughters are watching you, you are teaching them how a man should be allowed to treat a woman. Stop and think.

 Shally!

No need to give any advice here b/c I agree with you 100%.

Keep your head up MommieKimberly.

You are right... it is too new for me right now. But damn..those women on there are vicious! It makes me sick to even think that they are of the same "gender" as me.

I have too decided to forgive my H b/c like you, I truly believe this has made him wake up. We have many heart to hearts and he is always holding me close to him and saying how sorry he is for his decietfulness.

Thanks

I am thankful for

My Family

My 2 wonderful kids

My WILL

My friends , including those on here

That my H and I decided to just have US this year for Thanksgiving Dinner ( no other fam members..long story..his side)

My health and all of those around me

So true....

Although some of my wishes good/bad I do wish could come true.

This sounds like most cases where men/women think it is a better life without having to answer to anyone. Ever hear that saying "You are going to die a lonely man/woman". Reminds me of this song by Kenny Chesney : Oh damnit..it is on the tip of my tongue..... OH! Shit.... I will think of it later.

Oh I got it.... When I think about leaving! That‘s it. Whew..one of my faves and could not even think of it.

I am not really clear on your story... did he work with this woman?

I can totally understand where you are coming from. The constant wandering will drive you nuts on it‘s own. 4 1/2 hrs of work traffic does sound fishy but hey .. it could be true. I have a friend that lived in Atlanta and she said the traffic there was hell. Just look up the traffic reports: you should be able to on your local news channel. Was there a wreck or something? Just a thought.

I googled your screen name and got this ;

Your search - auragirrl - did not match any documents.

Suggestions:

• Make sure all words are spelled correctly.
• Try different keywords.
• Try more general keywords.

Make you feel a little better?

Sounds like to me you already have told him in your subconcious... Alot of info on your post. j/k

I wish if someone knew about my H , they would have told me. I would just "open" the door a bit. Kinda say " I saw your wife the other day by (mention the name of the hotel) was she there on business or something" That will allow him to take it further as HE sees fit.

But remember...these two have a family. That is the hardest part and probably why most will not tell b/c they do not want to be the cause of the all the emotions that it is going to cause within the family.

Good luck and let us know what you decide.

I don‘t hate you .... I do not  like what you did/do but who am I to judge you? You had your reasons for doing what you did as we all make our own choices in life.

Now... as far as the trust issue goes.. you probably will have ALOT with men YOU are wanting to try to find companionship. Why...b/c you know the WORST KIND OF A MAN..a cheater.

I really never quite unnderstood why women put themselves in that type of work but I agree with others its either drugs or just real fast easy money. You did what you thought was the right thing for you.

Good luck in your journey.

sunny fl wrote:

steamed wrote: Sam I Am wrote: I am sorry you are wrestling with this.  It is hard when you feel you have to play detective in order to just maintain some sanity.  Been there, done that.  But no longer. Thanks and I know I will get past this phase. Steamed it will take awhile for you to trust him,  if checking makes you feel better  then check!!   It hasnt been that long  and everytime you check and find nothing , it will be easier not to check next time!

Yes Sunny I know.... I just hate the fact that I FEEL I have to check... Surely they would not be that damn stupid knowing I know how to get his emails and v/m. Plus I really do believe that it is done. So why even bother?

I kept my promise and did not check... it was hard but damnit I did it. I am proud of myself.

As far as your texting issue.. how is that going? I am so sorry that this happened. But like you... I think you are thinking correctly.. If your H is that stupid, then the dumbass deserves to be caught. Go with your gut though ... but know that your gut may be lying to you right now b/c of what he has done to you in the past. I believe that is what my gut is doing to me right now... Lying.

I tried laughing about it..... but as I heard before they are only " MANHOLES" is that right?

BustyLaMoan wrote:

Here I am two years later and I CAN tell you it does get better.  BUT there are good and bad days.  There will be triggers that get your mind wondering again.  Hang in there.......

Thanks Busty..

I know there are good and bad , I just want the bad to STOP! But don‘t we all?

that would be the song.... I need to have that damn song playing 24 hrs sometimes. "When I think about Leaving!"

People told me that my life would be better. I wanted to through punches. They were right.  I wouldnt have changed a thing. I needed to go through the hurt to appreciate where I am now. 

The greatest thing I realized. When you deal with everyone around you with integrity you‘d be suprised at the amopunt of support you will get. 

That is just so encouraging.

Thanks

Ok so lastnight my H comes home and we had planned to go to the grocery store to get the things needed for Thanksgiving dinner...I looked down at my nails and said "damn I need to get me nails done". He suggested that I go ahead and get my nails done and he would take the kids to the store and get the food. I felt that "knot" in my stomache and I was very upfront with him and said " I am nervous to leave you". He just looked at me and said " I am not that person anymore. Please trust me and do this."

Well I did and felt ok with it. When I get home they were not back yet...  I could only imagine the store crowd. But anyway, when he got home shortly after I did , he said "you let me out of your sight and I did something bad". Then he pulled out  a bouqet of carnations and gave them to me.

He said look what happens when you let me out of your sight, I can actually do thing‘s I want to do for YOU. (fucker/lol)Anyway.. later on that night he took a carnation and obviously hid it in our bedroom and well without going into great detail, he undressed me and plucked every single one onto my bare skin and we made passionate love all over them.

My H has NEVER done anything like this. I mean he used to buy me flowers all the time but this...NEVER. It was very touching. The thing that occured to me was that I did not feel like saying "GTF off of me" when he iniated sex. That was a first in a long time since all this has happened. We just  sat there and talked about "old times" and of course how he much he wants to be able to show me his feelings but I am stopping him b/c I am not letting him in. I am not opening that door just yet...I mean it is cracked but not all the way opened.

Anyway... waking up with those on my bed this morning was so ... well no words can describe it.

Shally...they were red of course! LOL

I am glad I was able to brighten your day a bit. There is love in your man also..do not fool yourself.

Letting go a bit is scarier than hell but this is a choice you and I BOTH made when we decided to give our husbands a chance to prove themselves. Think about it this way.. If he really has changed then we would miss a hell of alot of happiness. If he hasn‘t then we gave it our ALL and we can walk away knowing that WE as women,wives,mothers have given it our all and we are setting a good example for our children.

Wish you the best girl!

Busty...

I am so sorry you had a meltdown.. I have them, we all have them. That is why I wanted to share this, because even after all the meltdowns, there is a light at the end of that long tunnel. Just as you said " what he is up to is nothing " , why b/c he lost the best damn thing that ever happened to him, YOU.

Keep saying that to yourself  every damn day!

Guilt will eventually catch up with you. I can see why some say "some thing‘s are better left unsaid" however, If and when this guilt catches up with you, you will be blaming him for every little thing. It can be that he did not load the dishwasher correctly, he wrote your name wrong, absolutely anything. And that alone will put strain on your marriage.And I repeat myself  b/c I think it so very important... Guilt alone will put strain on your marriage! Trust me I know... my husband did it to me. Here I was always thinking I was doing something wrong when in fact it was his guilt that was overwhelming him. You did put a permanent mark on your marriage and it may not be able to be erased but someday you may be able to forgive. That is up to you and how you handle the situation.

My husband‘s situation was like yours. An "emotional" one. He went to her b/c he felt like he could not come to me. Just as I am sure you felt like you could not go to your H for something and that is why you seeked for it elsewhere. You said you feel ‘trapped‘, I do not know what circumstances there are but if this is truly what you feel .. talk to him about it. Let him know how you feel. Is he abusive... then I say get the hell out of there. But if it is something that you know in your heart that can be worked out.. then be upfront with him.

These thing‘s can be fixed.. It all depends on the Two fixing them. I do wish you well and hope all works out for you, but from a wife to another wife, stay away from this man b/c he does have a lot to loose. You are going to miss the friendship that you had with this man, but if you put that energy into your husband, you never know, you may just find yourself falling in-love all over again.

I agree with Sunny... This is a bastard of a bastard of a bastard..... Did I get my point across. To forget him is going to be hard.. I reccomend sticking around on this board to help you. Geesh what an .

I wish you the best....

shally wrote:

Time to me doesn‘t heal all wounds. Some wounds stay, somedays they bleed and others its just a seeping. Love covers the wound and aids in the healing process. If the love is true it protects the wound. The saddness comes from the love that is now trying to heal that wound is the love that caused it. You, sunny are a wonderful woman and a gift from God as a friend. You brighten this site with your easy going, loving spirit. While its true, we probably would have never met had our husbands not done what they did, I see it as God turning a tragedy into a miracle. Friendship however it comes about is a miracle. Take a moment and think of the lessons you have learned this year, what you have learned about you.  There is a freedom in knowing that you alone can face anything anyone dishes out and you will not only land on your feet but you will soar!   Thanks for being my friend!

PERFECT.... I do not think any of us could have said it any better Shally!

Sunny... Wishing you nothing but the best for this upcoming year.

OH I am sorrry Busty...I thought you two were not together anymore. SO sorry....

But I think you got my point. Either way..the man is still up to nothing b/c he KNEW he could lose the best damn thing that ever happened to him... YOU.

Good recovery? (but it is true)

 I am glad to hear that thing‘s are better than ever.

sunny fl wrote:

steamed wrote: sunny fl wrote: steamed wrote: Ok so lastnight my H comes home and we had planned to go to the grocery store to get the things needed for Thanksgiving dinner...I looked down at my nails and said "damn I need to get me nails done". He suggested that I go ahead and get my nails done and he would take the kids to the store and get the food. I felt that "knot" in my stomache and I was very upfront with him and said " I am nervous to leave you". He just looked at me and said " I am not that person anymore. Please trust me and do this." Well I did and felt ok with it. When I get home they were not back yet...  I could only imagine the store crowd. But anyway, when he got home shortly after I did , he said "you let me out of your sight and I did something bad". Then he pulled out  a bouqet of carnations and gave them to me. He said look what happens when you let me out of your sight, I can actually do thing‘s I want to do for YOU. (fucker/lol)Anyway.. later on that night he took a carnation and obviously hid it in our bedroom and well without going into great detail, he undressed me and plucked every single one onto my bare skin and we made passionate love all over them. My H has NEVER done anything like this. I mean he used to buy me flowers all the time but this...NEVER. It was very touching. The thing that occured to me was that I did not feel like saying "GTF off of me" when he iniated sex. That was a first in a long time since all this has happened. We just  sat there and talked about "old times" and of course how he much he wants to be able to show me his feelings but I am stopping him b/c I am not letting him in. I am not opening that door just yet...I mean it is cracked but not all the way opened. Anyway... waking up with those on my bed this morning was so ... well no words can describe it. Good for you steamed!!! Just dont trust to fast! Not trusting to fast.... just letting him in a bit. Sunny.. you really are a sunflower... I know you are so right about the trust issue but for one moment in my marriage, it was nice to feel that way again. Steamed  i am happy for you!  I hope he does this often  and makes youvery happy.  if mine did that  after 20 plus years together  I would  say who are you and what have you done with my husband!! Happy Thanksgiving!!!

When he first did it... I was looking at him as if  he was an alien. "Who the hell are you?" was my first thought..but I thought if I said it out loud it would really ruin the mood.

Well let‘s make that a bad two days. I do not know if it b/c he was home for Thanksgiving Holiday and now he is back to work or what but these past few days have been awful. I cannot seem to get it out of my head. He took off 1/2 day Wed and Friday and so did she ( how I found out I will not disclose ) but the point is..he was here and I still made it something it is not. WTF is wrong with me?

I look at him and I want to smack the shit out of him again. I want to call her and ask her WHY! I thought I was past all of this. I thought I could accept this and move on. But for 2 days straight I have been on the brink of a nervous breakdown.

I do not know..just venting.

Hope everyone is doing well.

Sam...

Thanks for your kind words. It is tough and he is trying sooo hard to get to me but it is so hard sometimes. I can see the frustration in him and the " Oh , Why can‘t this just go away" look. And I hate it.

We are making progress in my opinion and I will stand by what I said in my " I have to forgive him post ". I do not want my marriage to end and I was well prepared for these days. 

Sunny...

I love the fact that I know these thing‘s about her but I also hate them b/c they are sitting there waiting for me to just crack. I always said " I know to much and it is not in my best interest ". Meaning, it is over and yet I still can‘t seem to let it go b/c I know the information is there. Make sense?

Yesterday when he was on his way home he called me from his cell, he stopped at a gas station and I heard the woman behind the counter, who was being very nice, which is not bad , but in my mind I was like "Who the hell is that ". I mean come on... she was just being  nice. Nothing out of the ordinary just a simple worker being friendly to her customers.But the last thing I wante to hear after the day I was having yesterday was another damn woman being nice to my H. God I make no sense.

He could see by the time he got home that I was upset and instead of talking to me about it, he went about his business, not ignoring the problem, just kinda did his own thing. Well by the time bedtime was coming around I told him I was having a rough couple of days and as I stated to Sam, he just got that " OH! why won‘t this go away!  " look. I know he is getting frustrated but I also am starting to get scared  to talk to him about things b/c of that and I know that is not good.I feel like I am being "rushed" . You know the "shit or get off the pot" theory. (which I hate saying but damn it rings true with me right now)

Something happened at work ( a stupid ass at his work ) and he told me about it earlier in the day when he called, and the only thing I could think was " Yeah, and I am sure the bitch was there to see it". Well without giving TMI, I would have been there to just to say "you dumb ass". But in my mind at the time, there she was once again laughing and having a good time with my H. I told him how I felt and what I was thinking, he just went silent. His silence confirmed that she was there and probably laughing along with all the others. OTHERS..meaning probably the whole building was there b/c it was a real stupid thing.

You said you had a bad week also...do you think it is b/c of the Holidays? I mean when times are suppose to be happy and we are in these situations and we are remembering the HAPPY times that we used to have? hmm...possible

ily..

Had to go back and read your story to get up to date, which I will respond to in a few. I think you have EVERY damn right to not be trusting. It is not sad and I do feel for you.

Bighting your tongue is probably a good thing until you go to counselling so that you can have some back-up support and he will not feel like you are just "holding this over his head" as most men do.

I hope your UTI is getting better..those damn things suck. I used to get them all the time. Drink lots of water!

Illy..

I agree with Little Miss Womansaver on this one.

Being in a drunken state is not an "excuse" ! IT is one most men and women use to try to get away with doing something that they have always wanted to do. While drinking may impair ones judgement, it is not an excuse ecspecially in your H‘s case where you have had issues with him before.

It does sound to me that your H has an addiction. But what addiction is it? You say to porn, but I think it is to the "tempatation" of another woman,wether it be on the internet or in person. He likes the "thrill". 

Kissing is cheating. Kissing is an physical/emotional act betwen two people that "desire" eachother. Unless of course your kissing a friend like on the cheek for a Happy Birthday or something like that. You know what I mean. Kissing can be more arousing than sex sometimes. I do not mean to get you down as I already know you are but do not let him use his damn drinking as an excuse. If that is the case, then tell him if he can‘t hold his liquer, then do not do it at all. No more drinking would be my number one rule. Forget the porn for now... get ahold of his drinking. That seems to be the root of his problems (denial) right now.

I wish you luck as I know you have a lot on your plate. Having a child with Autism..dealing with your H and god knows what else... but know we are here for you and anytime you need us... just write.

Oh the HPV thing.... That is a hard one. It really sucks. I am batteling that. Did you read that I have it also only after finding it on him? Sometimes I feel like I am being such a stupid bitch and ignoring ewverything. B/C all of this happened within the same timeframe. But as you said... there is no evident proof that he got from her or he got it from me. Who the hell knows. That doubt still remains. Damn STD‘s. they are tricky.

And yes..to watch us go through the pain is a sadistic thing. But remember, it is only to save thier own asses.

I do wish you well . I also just read your whole story.. Good luck girl and thanks for caring. We are here!

Sunny you hit it it right on the head...

I blame my H for allowing this woman into our marriage but I also blame her b/c she knew he was married with two kids and that did not seem to bother her. Do I blame her more than my H, NO. He was the one who took the vows, he was the one who pursued her, but she allowed him.

Being a woman and I have had other MM hit on me even when I was single... I just looked at them and told them to go home to their wives. Leave me the hell alone. Why? B/c I have respect for MYSELF and for other women. And I respect the unity of a marriage. I respect the vows that others speak to one another.

So as far as blaming the other woman, let me tell you, she is to blame.

you crack me up!

Good ideas though but I have better plans in mind if ever needed.

I‘ve been dating my boyfriend for almost 6 months

That is why he has it up ... In my oppinion, 6months is not a lifelong committment yet. Do not get me wrong, from the way it sounds this guy is really into you. If you feel like playing the "game" with him then do it... but understand you may be playing with fire.  

 Just no bonking ok....

Glad to make a happier day for you!

Well said Sunny...

This man has no respect for you obviously! There is no way in hell that I would put up with his behaviour. IF he does not not stop kick his ass to the curb.

Unc...

While I can understand what you are going through about the whole "she let me sit there and be crazy for 4 1/2 months" thing... and I can understand why you say you "spanked"her . I AM NOT CONDONING THIS...but I do understand. When I first found out about this my first instinct was to kick him square in the nuts repeatedly until he felt the pain that he put me through for months knowing that my gut was right. I did not though. (even though sometimes I wish I did). I understand fastforwards message by there should never be any violence however, I do believe people reach a limit at sometime in their life that makes them do shit they would not normally do.

I am happy for you and that you are working on your marriage and thanks for the encouring words... I do hold him tight...only from a distance right now b/c my heart is not really ready to "give in" just yet. We have our good days and we have our bad... Somedays I am hold him close,somedays I do not want him to ttouch me. I am sure you understand this.

Goodluck to you and I will read your story.

My lord illy,

What a double whammy...you were a virgin, gave this man your EVERYTHING and this is what you get in return. I am so sorry. And for him to say " I have to get this cleared up if I  am to be single" what an ass. Let him know that even if the HPV goes away, he still can give it to someone. Even though they may not be present, the virus still lingers. Put that shit in his face. And you protect yourself also.

Lotta...

Wow... you have become the "phsycho" wife b/c you stood up to a woman that was pursuing you H. I would not stand for it at all. This kind reminds me of that movie with Julia Roberts in it where she is at the mothrs meeting and stands up and says " Ok so who else here has fucked my husband". Everyone looked at her the same. And everyone treated her as she was the one loosing her mind. Who the hell would not loose their mind? I am sorry for you. But you keep your head up.. know you did what you felt was right for you. Sometimes I wish I had the balls to do what you did.. I still have all the evidence but just enough to make one "think".

Sunny..

Mine was a glass at his head that misssed! Damn! Just kidding! I did throw the glass at his head though.  I did not throw it at him but when I intercepted an email from her I woke him up out of bed with  my $2500.00 laptop thrown down on his back.

I can undertand the loosing "loosing your mind theory", I kept mine under control b/c as I said I wanted to just repeatedly kick him in the nuts to make him feel the pain that I had gone through all those months.

I don‘t mean to sound bad but you can bet your sweet little ass he is still sleeping with her. What an ass!

He is putting the blame on you b/c it is easier to point the finger in the other direction. "Well you do this, you didn‘t  do that, and ect " . It sounds like to me this man wants his cake and eat it to. HE is a Cakeman! If he is not willing to shut her out of his life,  then you have your answer dear. He want‘s her and it is obvious that he is not willing to work thing‘s out with you.

It sucks , I know, and I am so sorry for your pain. It is even harder with there are kids involved. But you have to realize that you have to think about you and those kids. If his stupid ass is not willing to be home with you and his children, then why would you even want to stick around?

The answer is very clear in your situation. You are not the person that needs to change HE IS! So do not even that SOB let you feel that way.

If my H said any of the shit that yours has, there would have been no looking back. That door would have been opened for him to walk through. Luckily, in my case my H has admitted his wrong doing and swears to never walk out on our marriage again. HE is doing everything in his power to try to make thing‘s right again. He has had an awakening you could say and until your H does this, IF he ever does, then there is nothing you cannot do. It has to be him. You are the not the one WRONG here, HE IS.

Goodluck to you and keep posting, it really does help.

Steamed-my husband always chides me to to get over things already and to move on...it‘s quite hard to do when you‘ve been traumatized the way we and so many other women on this site have been. I do know that I need to "shit-or-get-off-the pot."  I have my good days which are getting to be more frequent (this affair happened 2 years ago) but the bad days that come up are still quite bad. I started going to a bible-study (I can‘t show my face in a church because there are too many of my husband‘s patients and staff there) and I do find going quite helpful. Joel Olsteen has a GREAT book out called A Better You and it is quite good-I highly recommend it. He talks about dealing with negative situations and how you can overcome them ( I guess I need to reread it-ha ha!)When I start feeling low about things-I think of how everyone in life has their crosses to bear and some are a lot worse than mine...it makes me feel a little better for a period of time but then the cycle starts all over again. Do any of you feel the same way?

I have that book...I love it. It has been a godsend to me.

The Crosses you speak of I can totally relate. There are others out there who have been in worse situations but  then things do catch up. My H has used this comment many times"This cross I will bear on my shoulders for the rest of my life. So there is no need for you too. I created it, it is mine and I will never let it go". I do not know wether to take that as a compliment or what!

ladysheikmoon wrote:

steamed wrote: fastforward wrote: Apologies accepted, however, no need for that!  I‘m not a person who has to be right, it is just that I have the same desire as you to do everything in my power to make relationships work.  When they don‘t, it is a huge disappointment.  So, people here try to make suggestions.  Church does help, even if it is to bring an hour of peace and tranquility into their lives.  Joel Osteen has been my saviour, every Sunday! OMG..how wild..I love him steam..I am going to Houston for a wedding in May..and I am going to stay an extra day to go to a service there.  My H makes kinda fun of him..so why not really torture him with that..

My H actually finds him Spooky... he watches him with me and he is like.. OMG it is like the man is speaking to me. Sometimes he gets so intense "guilty feeling" that he has to get up and walk out of the room. My H has NEVER been a believer in anyone like Joel but this guy he really likes. He said the man relates to him. It seems like everytime I watch him , there he is speaking about the darn problem in hand. Not just with my H but with everything.

He is coming to Cincinnati and I am going. I cannot wait.

 OMG I am laughing so hard!!!! Thanks I needed that!

creampuff...

I was just thinking about you the other day and wandering how you were. I am sorry you are feeling bad.  You totally get where I come from.

Are there still text going on?

"s before you wake up "

I have no clue..but I know what your thinking. I would deff call the number cream. Or do what the other poster said..let her call. Sounds fishy to me but eveything does right now so I am not sure I would listen to me. Let us know what is going on sweetie.

I would deff. do the DNA. Yes, I believe they can get back child support but if your H is this child‘s father it is "rightful" duty to try to make amends with the CHILD. Wow, you must have a lot on your plate.

Hiring a PI will only confirm what you already know about this woman... she is a woman that slept with H 18 yrs ago and may have had his child.

DO the DNA then start on everything else. You may have to not do a darn thing and you two can go on with your lives.

Goodluck.

Sorry for the loss of your child. I believe and PLEASE do not take this wrong way , that everything happens for a reason in a persons life. You are 22 honey and you have a whole lot of life ahead of you. I went through a miscarriage after 3 months into my pregnancy when  H and I were together for  a year. I felt nothing but emptiness,like it was my fault, but then I realized maybe , just maybe, this happened for a reason. Mental Retardation runs in my family. I have two nieces and 2 uncles that suffer from it. I look at it as, b/c I was so young when this happened 19, that maybe there was something wrong with that child and God knew I would not be able to handle it at that time in my life. Now I have 2 beautiful healthy children. DO NOT BLAME YOURSELF FOR THIS!

As far as your b/f goes... He has proven to you what type of man he can be. You have been given a second chance to go out there and live / love again. You will always hold a special place for this man in your life b/c of what you have been through, however, you said it yourself, you will never trust this man again. You WILL trust another one day. I know it is going to be a hard long road for you... but that is where we are here,your friends,family fit in your life...we are your support! You are a strong young woman my dear Sarah, and you will make it through this!

So my H and I had ANOTHER talk Saturday night when he got home from work. I found something out , which I will post in Womans only, But anyway he was putting up christmas lights on Sunday and he was out there all day. Half were up so I was thinking "what the hell is he doing" , Well around 7 or so , just as I was getting up to go out,he was coming in. He told me I had to go out and look at the lights so I grabbed my  umbrella and you now what he did....

He wrote " I Love You" in Christmas lights that he drilled holes into a piece of board and had it next to my "lighted gift boxes".

I don‘t know just thought it was sweet.

ok so I found something out about "OW" that is just burning me up right now.... Apparently, well not apparently, I know, That she is sleeping with another co-worker who is married. My first thought was this.... OK, WTF! Because as you all know , My H swears he did not have sex with this woman. But I was like, what makes my H so different than this one. OMG... the thoughts that were going through my head. I am sure you all can imagine.

Anyway, I told H I knew this and he was like " how the hell did you find this out" and said he knew nothing about it or the man. It is a big business. I said it did not  matter how I found out but the problem at hand is just what I stated "What makes YOU (my H) so different?" Well anyway, still debying anything went on... and I beleive him ( almost ) I told him that I was going to OUT her. That I could solve my problem without even including US in the situation and he begged me not to.

I am really confused here. I have this information at the tip of my fingers and I know I would have wanted to know if anyone knew about it. He said the reason he does not want me to tell is b/c of the obvious, no good can come out of this. IF they start snooping into her that they will see the calls to him and vice versa.. and he could stand to loose hisjob. Which is true.

I am rethinking things here... Now that a know what a true TRAMP this woman is, I want REVENGE. But I would be doing for the wrong reasons. What do you all think?

Please help me out here.

nope she is not married. Has no lids...

What the hell is a spoof card?

I thought about sending a "secret" letter to HER.

Thanks to all who have replied. I have decided to "let it go" even though the sweet revenge would feel great! One of you posted, I must move on or start charging her rent... you are so right. What she does  NOW is none of my concern unless it involves me directly.

Even though I dispise her with her everything that I am, I know I would not like the "person" later on down the road that made me do this.

I do understand Shally about the " I would want to know" that was a tough one to battle. I wish someone had told me if they knew. It is a hard decision to make and I applaud the who called you for having that courage. I look at this way, I have it, it is not going anywhere, and if that woman so much looks at me in the wrong way, I will let HER know what kind of tramp she really is.

She will eventually get burned , just as she did with mine , and yes, this company is one that does NOT tolerate this type of behaviour.

So Thanks all , I really needed the support for this one!

for all!

I get a call yesterday freom my 21yr old nephew saying "Mom just found condoms and womens phone numbers in dad‘s truck". I was like, WTF! This sister of mine is the only one that has really truly helped me out with MY situation and there she is having to deal with it herself. You know where she found it, in the fuse box under the steering wheel. She hit it with her knee and the lid popped off and wham, in her face.

So he calls me  b/c of past history, my other sisters really do not get involved in her life. She is a recovering alcoholic and when she would get drunk she would start being real mean to the family. Anyway, I call her and of course she is in hysterics, he was there and was saying "get off the phone , we need to talk". Not in a mean manner but in a manner thatsays "oh shit I am busted". After talking to her for about an hour , b/c her first words to me was that she was going to go out and get drunk. Well I was not having that as she has been sober for 5 yrs now and told her to just talk to me. Let it out.

When she was finished I actually told her that she had to sit down with him and hear what he has to say and then go from there. I hope that was the right desicion. My sis does have a temper.

The reason I am telling you this is one: This apparently is a good hiding place that I just found out about for men.Never would have even thought about it. So just a little info for those that suspect.

#2 I feel like this shit is ALL around me. Does anyone not respect the value of marriage anymore? I mean WTH , I have two friends that are going through hell in their marriage..not b/c of affairs although I suspect one in one of them. I have ttwo neighbors that are seperating/getting divorced. And now my sis. What in the world is going on? Or do I just notice it more than ever b/c of my situation?

What is your theory on this? Have people actually lost the respect for marriage? Does it mean nothing?

that was beautiful!

Creampuff...

Haven‘t seen you around, was wandering how thing‘s are going for you?

Hope all is well.

Thanks...

After the texting thing I was getting kinda worried that she found something out. Next time you talk to her let her know I am thinking of her.

I agree with Sass on everything. Keep the kids out of it. Do not let them see what you are about to see.

I also agree to not let him know you are onto him.. this was my mistake. I got angry and let it out when infact I should have kept my mouth shut so I did not have any unanswered questions. I know the very site of him is killing you right now and it is taking everything you have not to just blow the hell up. But I believe also that you are strong and you can do this. WITH SUPPORT.

I am so sorry you are going through this. But keep on posting here...it has helped many women including myself and you will get some great advice as to how to gather your info needed. You do not need to spend that $3000 on  a PI , people on here are very creative.

Goodluck sweetie and let us know how things are going.

I hear where you are coming from. The man I saw years ago is totally different from the man I see today. I never in a million years would have thought he would be capable of doing something like this... lying is all he did but to me that qualifies as the same as cheating b/c it was about another woman.

I just do not get it. It is like there are no morals left in this world. That once someone takes that vow.. it is only a matter of time before it is broken. Not in all cases , but most.

meandnotyou wrote:

Tiredmomma wrote: ASAP, go to the doctor and get bloodwork done.  Also get yourself on meds to stabalize your emotions.  Take care of yourself.  Go to church and  speak to your priest/rabbi/pastor, etc.  I went after being away for over 30 years and it does help.  Get yourself into counciling even if he will not go.  These people will help you get control of yourself.  Be cool!  Don‘t lose it. Sorry Uncdon - I don‘t think your constant advice for people to get on meds is a good idea. Then you have to work thru the meds - the mess and then getting of the meds too.. Not the best thing to add meds/drugs to a big pile of mess. IMHO. I am not sure why you are still with this man. I would personally not tolerate this crap. Is your plan to stay married no matter what? In that case I don‘t know what to say. Move him into a spare bedroom? I‘d change the lock and get me a laywer ASAP. You don‘t HAVE to prove adultery to get a divorce. Why would you let him put you thru all this over and over? He doesn‘t respect you one bit. TM

Another  here.

Tiredmomma is so right. Get the hell out of there.

You are correct when you say that he is sick..he has an addiction and the addiction is he cannot be faithful. He not only wants other woman, but Trans. also, man o man. This man has no respect for you or your child. He puts himself first and then some.

I also agree that meds are not the best place to seek help..I know, I have done it. Valium ...and now I am fighting everyday to not take one. It creates a whole new set of problems. While at first it numbed me and helped me get through the day, now it is a habit. I like not having that knot feeling in my stomache.. the constant shakes but I also know that is only a temp fix. Not a permanent one.

Good luck

Oh thank god.... 

I will have to PM her.

Ok i have not read all the replies on this one but in one simple word I will say this : NEVER!

Beauty is from within, not what is on the outside. Sure we may get gray , add a few pounds, but inside we are still the most beautiful women.

You are so right...... I never thought of it that way. The King Arthur tthing is right on!

Thanks for asking Sunny...

She is not doing well. She has had to face this before with her H years ago so she is just in complete "awe" over this. He did not deny anything and said the typical " That it was months ago and that it is not going to happen again". You know the typical "male" answer.

I have been talking with her and asking her what she wants to do and she said that she is going to stick it out b/c she knows those women do not mean nothing but a piece of ass. Well you can only imagine my response to that one.

I think she feels trapped though, she is a stay at home mom like me, and my niece is a special needs child. She is 14 but only has the compacity of a 6 yr old. My sis quit school when she got pregnant with her oldest when she was in the 8th grade. She has a very LOW self-esteem of herself and she has been with this man since she was 14.

She just got a computer, yes i know, just now, and I told her once the internet is up and running I am going to go over there and this is the first place I am taking her.

I get her to laugh about some of the things you ladies say in here and I think she really needs this support. I told her that all of you are WONDERFUL people and has helped me through my "bad" days and her reaction was " huh, they would have a field day with me". 

But Thanks again for asking... she is a tough cookie and she will get through whatever her end decision may be.

Hey we need a link!

didn‘t read all the replies ..way too many...

Mine is:

If he has 2 legs and one inbetween , then he is an asshole. j/k

So he has been with one woman that you know of over 2 yrs ago.. and little truth‘s keep creaping up. What are these truths?

You say he has told other women over the internet that he "loves" them..

It sounds like to me you have reached your limit. After two years, you should feel "something" of love still there. Did you two talk about this at all when it happened or did it go ignored? Did you tell him how bad he hurt you, that you do not trust him anymore, and if so what was his response?

Why do you feel he settled for you? 

It takes a long time for someone to deal with the hurt and pain of infidelity, but it can only work if both partners are willing to work it out. If you/he are not putting 100% into your recovery, then it will never work. Infidelity can be forgiven but never forgottten. The trust can be re-built but only if both parties involved are fighting for their marriage..and for the right reasons, not the wrong ones.

I wish you well... and keep posting, it really does help.  

Investigate , investigate,investigate!

This sounds like your typical "cheating spouse" , " Oh I do not know whose it is" . "Well honey it is not mine!" DENIAL!

That is the first reaction from a cheater.DENIAL. You even said it yourself when she wouldfind porn, he would deny it. Now let me ask this? Do they have kids? The reason I ask is because if they have a little girl it could be one of her friends.(unlikely but just a thought)

I agree that she needs to get into his emails.. and the phone bills. Who cares if they are moving, go through everyone of those numbers and call them. Do reverse search through the white pages. Look up Phone Finder.com , you can type the area code and the first three digits of the number and it will tell what cell phone provider it is. When looking at the bill, pay close attention to the ones when she is not home and the minutes. Those are the ones that are key.

Good luck and let us know

 oops..yeah thats what I meant , King Henry!

It was me to a T.... spoooky!

The cat I wrote Furry:..... This is so my H. LMAO

Nice one NS

I used to love that show "Sex and The city" , and I know exactly what episode you are talking about. And I hate to say it but I always rooted for Carrie and "Mr.Big" to get together. Call me nuts ok.

While I understand your post and where it comes from... The show is just a fantasy. Yes these shows you speak of does condone the thought of cheating and the way "society" looks at it, however, it is just that, a show.

I get your point and that there is alot of truth to it. Society to me has lost their sense of morals, not only marriage but a lot of other things, like serial killers as you mentioned. Why even bother "know" the names of these damn people? Why even televise it?

The Columbine Shooting was an AWFUL event and since that was televised all over the damn news, how many shootings have their been? Then you had the college, now we have the mall shooter. What the hell is the point? Why can‘t we see the good and report the good instead of the bad?

I do not know if I am coming down with something or what but my stomache has that " sick " feeling again. I getting nervous and getting more and more doubtful if they had sex or not. I am so sorry that I keep repeating myself and/or keep doubting myslef but my head is spinning. The other nite he made me a real nice dinner and I am one of those people that is they bite into a piece of "fat" it grosses me out and I cannot eat anymore. Then just outta nowhere something popped in my head: I remember him telling me about a time that she bit into a piece of hamburger or chicken and she got grossed out b/c she had gotten a piece of fat. Well my stomache has been tumbling since. God I am a freaking nut.

Why does stuff like that just pop in my head...out of nowhere...boom it is there! I can remember little things that he has told me about her and jokes he has played on her that never bothered me before, but now they make me sick?

And then reading some stuff, when I did confront her, her typical OW  answer was " you need to talk to your H about that . It‘s been  "done" to me before, I know what you are feeling and going through" KEYWORD: it has been done to me before. WTF!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! What has been done to you?I am starting to get angry again,or if I even stopped. I do not know. If I knew he had sex with her , it would kill me and I really do not think I could go on. So why do I even want to know? I am willing to fight for this as I know it is over. But it just stupid ass question still lurking in the back of my mind.

Thanks for listening!

Thank you ALL for your replies yesterday. I was having a real bad one. I broke down twice,puked for a total of three, and did not eat or drink a darn thing. ( I am with you on the at leaste I do not have to worry about the Holiday weight gain ..lol )

I am glad to see that I am not the only one that goes through this from time to time and I mean that in the most loving way it can possably come up. (I hate that others have to feel it but I am glad I am not alone).

To keep digging is only driving me insane. There is nothing more that I can find. Like you said cream, the reason we aren‘t finding anything is b/c there is nothing there to find, just maybe. I think the amount of time that this went on between my H and her is the reason I am having a hard time believing in him. But there is that chance that this man is telling me the truth and I HAVE to dig deep inside of ME to give him the benefit of the doubt. This is no longer a battle with him , it is a battle with MYSELF!

My heart is to full of pain to let him in and my mind is to full of anger to "reason" with myself. My mind wants to make everything that happens/happened in our lives b/c of her..when in fact the truth lies there in front of me. Give you an example: I flew off the handle yesterday b/c of a piece of junkmail.. junkmail that pertains to her"second job" and I just knew that she was sending me this stuff to flaunt it in my face, but if I would have stopped for just one second and really took a look at the piece of junkmail , I would have seen that it came from California. HELLO>>> I am thousand of miles away from California! But instead, my mind could not "reason" with itself. I made it about her once again. I even showed it to him and said "see this is what I am talking about". The poor man was lost. Could not really blame him b/c it was me that created that.

My dear H has been trying his hardest to show me that he truly does love me,and I know he does, and I feel awful that I get these feelings inside of me. He buys me flowers again,brings me cards to just say : I love you, makes love to me in ways he never has before..meaning he makes LOVE to me , it is not a quick fix, he wrote I love you in Christmas lites.. He bought me a heart necklace charm and told me that he wants to me hold onto it when I feel "those" feelings and to know that his heart is here with me when he is not with me. Damn , I am surprised the embroidery is still on it. But like I told him lastnight.. All these things are great and meaningful to me... but they will not rebuild my trust any faster.

He broke the most imortant foundation of marriage and that is TRUST. And that could take years to rebuild. He is expecting to much of me to soon and I have told him this. I have to fight this out with me and him. I have to let those feelings out and let him know that he has left me with these doubts that are still in my head. He understands, and you know what he said " If I am killing you "My Name", Then you have to tell me. If it kills you everyday to look at me then I will go to ease your pain. I will not give up and I will be on OUR doorstep everyday to win you back but If I am truly killing you, then I will go". My response " You killed me ...not killing me and leaving will only kill whatever hope we have. You need to be here to hear me cry,scream,laugh. and ride this rollercoaster out with me. You need to not expect me not to have bad days and when I am having those bad days,you need to be there. You need to be "glue" for me at that moment in my life. If you feel have to leave then that is what you must do to ease your guilt b/c you cannot bear to see the pain that you have caused me".

TM: You hit on the head; he lied to protect himself the first time around. He tried to convince me that it was for me that he lied , that he could not bear the thought of losing me and he said that in that moment that I caught them the first time on the phone.. I was so unstable and he knew he would just lose me if he had told me the real truth, the amount of time that this went on. He may be right but to sit around and watch me go through that for months is what I am most mad at. That he could do that to someone he claimed he loves so much. And I have explained and explained this to him over and over again. He said he knows he can help me if I let him in... just give him the chance.I looked at him and said "the fact that you are still sitting at our kitchen table,eating the food that I prepared for our family, cleaning your clothes,making sure you have lunch everyday, the fact that you walk through that door everyday, IS GIVING YOU A CHANCE" .

He does not see those until I point them out to him. He does not see that the very fact that I do make love to him still is letting him in. (not literaally..lol) This just is not going at the pace he would like and that is hard on him. I can understand this... I wish it would go faster. I wish I could accept things for what they are and move on and I know I will one day. I will move on. I know this. I will one day and accept what has been given to me , the man that I always wanted and knew was there. The man I had when I fell in love with him. It really is like falling in live all over again. You know that scary feeling you get when you wake up and realize "wow this man/woman is the one." But yet for some unknown reason you get that eary feeling of putting your heart in their hands. Giving your heart to someone once and to have it broken is hard enough, giving to heart to the person that broke is even harder, but it can be done. Like I said before, I am not giving up on this. I am not giving up on my marriage. I will fight to the bitter end of this. I will come out a stronger person, as he will too. I will be a better mother,wife,friend to all of those around me.

Thanks again ladies and I can not make it through this without you.    FOR ALL!

It is so funny you said this:

Yesterday when we  were talking on the phone for about an hour, my neighbor friend , who is a guy, a close family member, kept calling every 15 minutes. I did not answer it and my H was like: Who the hell keeps trying to call? I told him and he said he did not really like the fact that he was calling and trying to get ahold of me in the "urgency" he was. Saying things like "Isn‘t he at work?" Oh and the one that hit the nail on the head : I feel like he is invading in my life.

HELLO.... now maybe you get it. My life has been invaded. That is how I feel. This woman invaded my life... by your invitiation , but she still invaded.

The reason he was calling is b/c he was getting hay to put down in his yard and he was talking with my H about it and my friend had told him that when he gets some he will get us some to for the muddie areas in the yard. He was just trying to make sure that we still wanted it. Well when H got home and after our long discussion , he said that he got it. He got that angry feeling that another man was calling me , even though this man is very close to both of us, and that he had called him at work since he could not get ahold of me.

It just clicked... he is now starting to show those signs of "Because I did it, she is capable of doing it also". JEALOUSY, GUILT whatever you call it. And NO I cannot do it... I am not built that way.

You are bigger person than I..there ain‘t no way in hell I could have gone to that party. But I am glad you did even though your "will" was not really there.

For him to ignore you like that was wrong. Before this happened with my H and I he was somewhat like that..but he never totally excluded me. He would always introduce me to others he knew and that I did not. Even women. Was never talking to a certain woman, just the ones that have worked with him for years, and yes they even talked to me. And yes even HER. dum bitch..j/k. Anyway, The way he did you was wrong. And the 4 min disappearence act... that could be your "what if" talking but you should not ignore it. You look at what is in front of you... If he knew these girls too well.. then he probably does. Why? this is what you must ask yourself. For this one particular girl to sit at YOUR table with your H and act as if you are not even there..BIG RED FLAG!

I too married when I was 21 and had a baby at 21. I know what you mean when you say that you have given up so much for nothing... but you have something. You have your son .

It is like that saying "I have the BEST of him... his children". You may seem like it is all pointless at this time in your life but you will see this is all happening for a reason. Maybe this is happening to make you a stronger person to start that school you speak of. Maybe this is happening to bring a family closer together , there could be so many reasons, but there is one. This is what I tell myself everyday... I am still trying to figure it out...but I will get it one day. ONE DAMN DAY I WILL GET THAT ANSWER... why is it happening? And you will get yours. the easy answer for now is it is happening b/c of him and on my end my H. I am in this misery b/c of Him just as you are because of your H. But look down that road..... we will end up in a better place. I just know it!

oberon wrote:

nowwhattodo wrote: I think affairs are often accepted by the wives of really bad lovers. There‘s a whole forum full of women sleeping with married men over yonder that think the same thing!

Why bother to respond to such ignorance!

I agree with FF... It could go either way.

Your H admitted that he did go over her house and fooled around but no sex b/c it felt wierd, Was it b/c he was married, was it b/c they were close friends. What was the meaning as to why it felt wierd? I ask this b/c if you had not asked your H then you need to. then I would ask him if they had something going on when they worked together?

How long has it been since she has worked there? And are you absolutely sure they are not talking to eachother anymore? I mean if you only got emails, there are cells, payphones and ect. And now that he knows that you cought him in the act..there are free email accounts.

You know your H better than any one of us. Go with your gut on this.Do you FEEL he is lying to you.That is how I caught my H b/c he is such a terrible lier WHEN, and I emphasize WHEN, he is confronted.  If anything your H  HAS proven that he is capable of doing this.Has he done this before to you?  Do you want to stay with him? Are you going to try to work it out?

A little more background would help but as to her email I wish I could say that yeah that it sounds like to me they stopped but I cannot. It really could go either way.

Good luck and I am sorry for your pain  

PEACE.....

For not only myself but for all of those in the world suffering right now, including you beautiful women on here.

Strength:To move forward to 2008 and know that 2007 is behind me.

Health: To quit smoking 3 packs of cigs everyday. And health and recovery for those that may need that extra prayer.

OH and not to be selfish but LOVE for everyone! That is all.. nothing material, just PEACE STRENGTH HEALTH and LOVE.

Nope..you are beautiful. I find no offense to your pic.

If you got it..flaunt it baby. j/k

Really..to me you are not trying to be sexy ( even though you are ) but it is a sincere pic. You have a look in it that says : I care". If some cannot take it...then I suggest they look at themselves and ask why.

THE KITCHEN BITCH

A mother was working in the kitchen 

listening to her 5-year-old son playing with 

his new electric train in the living room. She heard 

the train stop and her son saying, ‘All of you sons 

of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause 

this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches

who are getting on, get your asses on the 

train...cause we‘re going down the tracks.‘ The 

horrified mother went in and told her son, ‘We don‘ t 

use that kind of language in this house Now I want 

you to go to your room and you are to stay there for 

TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your 

train...but I want you to use nice language.‘ 

Two hours later, the boy came out of the bedroom and 

resumed playing with his train. Soon the train 

stopped and the mother heard her son say... ‘All 

passengers please remember your things, thank you and 

hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will 

ride with us again soon.‘ She heard her little darling 

continue...‘For those of you just boarding, remember 

there is no smoking in the train. We hope you will 

have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today.‘

As the mother began to smile, the child added, ‘For 

those of you who are pissed off about the TWO HOUR 

delay, please see the bitch in the kitchen.‘ 

Yesterday, a very close friend‘s of mine dog passed away. He was a Doberman and suddenly had a stroke/heart attack. Scooby was a great big ole love bug . The neighborhood children loved him as if he were their own. I loved him as he were my own.

Thank you all for your thoughts.

My neighbor is not doing so well as he got Scooby when he was going through a divorce and that dog became his companion,friend,child and he devoted all his time and energy into him. They were big in Frisbee and won many awards.

Thanks again all. He truly will be missed.

I would be completely honest. If the guy was an ass to me, I would say he was ass, if he was a sweetheart,then I‘d say he was a sweetheart.

What mkes me....hmmmm

I never wear shoes..even in the Winter. only when I go out places.

I always having something white on.

I get my starbucks almost everyday.

I love jeans..never into skirts or dresses.

I still have wild crazy 80‘s hair.

I wear make up to sleep 99% of the time.

When alone,I crank the music up to country and clean.

I love Football. << do not mess with me on Sundays.

I can not go out in public without make up.

It still takes me an hour 1/2 to get ready.

I am a stay at home. Been way to spoiled to even bother trying to get back in the chaos workforce. BTDT

I am sure there is much more.

Sunny .. I did not know or just missed it.

I am so sorry for you pain . You will be able to make it through this whatever the outcome may be.

You were this man for 24 yrs and it is going to take a long time to get over the pain. Actually let me rephrase that..you may never get over the pain but everyday that pain will become a bit more easier.

My heart and prayers are with you and your family.

Just wanted to get that out there!

I call dibbs on the guy on the far right....

Deesh that sounds like my H. Cannot live with the guilt that he caused me , hates his job all of a damn sudden ...and well he is not mean to the kids though.

I truly am sorry and I hope your weekend works out for you. Get some of that YOU time in and enjoy. I know easier said than done.

Thanks for the cheer up.

Everyone heals in a different manner. Learning to trust again is probably the hardest thing that you will ever do right now , but it can be done. If you put yourself in the mind frame that not ALL men are your ex and your father it will be easier(I know easier said than done)

Plus right now you are seeing it all around you,boy do I know this feeling. It is like everywhere you turn, it is right there in your face. But look at the good . Right now it is to easy to see the negative in every relationship possible. The two people you thought you would never go "astray" has and that is playing a mind game on you. It is hard but you will make it through. Your young and you have time to heal. Eerything is to "new" for you right now so do not expect to much of yourself .

Give yourself time to heal... that is the best medicine you can do for yourself.

 my thoughts are with you.

I have never looked forward to a New Year as I am this one.  2007 has been the year from HELL!

Happy Holidays to you as well

Just wanted to stop in and tell everyone hello and hope their Christmas was great.

Mine was great... had a good time with the hubby and kids and for once felt a little normalcy in my life.

Anyway,just wanted to let everyone that I was thinking about you.

I can relate to your story. My H was talking to a girl that he met through his work (afterhours) . He said no intamcy that they were only friends and nothing more. I believe I caught it in time before anything happened.

Anyway, that feeling you cannot shake is still one that I battle. I battle myself everyday knowing that he is there with her in the same damn building. I often wander if there is more to be told but I can take what he gives me and make my decisions from there. I have decided to fight for my marriage b/c even though he did this, I do still love him with everything that I am.

You have to make that decision. You have to try to kinda make up what went on in your own mind and decide wether or not you can fight. If you think there is more..base it on that. Can you forgive him?

It is a battle and we still are batteling. He has changed and knows what he stands to lose in life. His actions are speaking to me, not his words. Lidten to your husbands actions not his words. Anyone can say " I am sorry , I will never do it again" But actions are louder than that.

I wish you well and hope all works out.

Sis is in total DENIAL. It really is sad but she tries not to think about it and acts as if  "oh well... I can help what he did". It really does suck but she is so caught up with my niece that I do not even think she really eve cares anymore. She is in the "numb" fase. I try to get her to talk to me about it so she does not keep it all bottled up and explode one day(which is going to happen)

They got their internet hooked up but have not had a chance to get over there to show her how to surf around just yet but plan to so she can come on here. BUT she said he has already been on porn sites, (he does her with her there) and she does not seem to care. She just does not care at this point. Poor girl.

She is more worried about me than she is herself.. I do not know if that is the big sis coming out or if she thinks she is burdening me if she talks to me about it b/c of everything between my H and I. But I do try to encourage her to talk to me.

Thanks for asking.

TM- totally understood what you were saying.

Thanks for asking about sis.

 Thanks for the excellent post! What you say is so very true. When we (BS) first find out about the affair our first instinct is to blame the OW.  But as you stated , if they lie to us..they lie to them.

I confronted the woman my H was speaking to and unfortunately I was boiling. So I probably did not make any sense at all.. I did not call her any names but rambeling. Asking her what the hell?!!! basically and of course she said that I had it "all wrong". I just screamed , I really was not listening , only remember a few words that were spoken but ones that stick with me. Like ‘ The only reason I have not hung up is because it has been done to me ‘ ..well if nothing happened , what has been done to you? That is what I wish I would have said.

Looking back I wish I could have been civilized and talked her to in a calm manner. Which may still happen, but I still hate her with everything that I made of. I know it was my H who brought her into my marriage but she accepted the invitation knowing he has a wife and two wonderful children. It is still too soon for me to really ‘talk‘ to her. Plus there are things that I have found out about her that I really do not think she gives two ****s.

But everyday I pick up that phone and want to call her and I just hang up.

But thanks for the post....

I agree...something deffinately fishy. But hey...your temper did the right thing to me except I would have called her. J/K really though, I am sorry and would keep your eyes open.

Sunny is right.. if there is nothing going on, there should have been none of that going into the bedroom stuff.

Thanks Fifi

I am here for her day and night and she knows it. It is hard on her but she is looking the other way b/c she has no support from other family members other than myself. If she had the support like I do I truly believe things would be different.

She is a tough cookie but she does not see herself that way. Her self-esteem is blown and it has been for many years. Once you are there , as we all know , it is so hard to get out.

Oh Sunny...what happened! Did I miss it somewhere?

Do not let an ass spoil it for ya if that was the case.

 For all... you ladies are the greatest and I am glad to have spent knowing this Christmas and New Year with you!

Bring it on 2008.... You can do nothing remotwly close to 2007!    ( I think)