Member Forum Search

Dear Pen,

I joined this forum because of your story, I wanted to give you some words of encouragement and love.

I think you are a courageous woman and life will be a lot better without him. I am very glad you have a secure building, although I have a suspicion he might be happy that you took the first step, so he can be with his other sweetheart.

23 years ago I did exactly what you did, I moved on a weekend while my then husband, whose favorite punchingbag I was, had to go to his homecountry and be with his ailing brother. By the time he came back I had moved everything, since it was mine to begin with. My story did not stop there, he found me, and I had to move again, and move and move, until I finally moved to the US.

I now have a good husband, who treats me good, hardly a cross word, and no physical abuse whatsoever. Although sometimes I have found the mental abuse a lot harder to take than just the beatings. I know what it feels like to walk around on eggshells, cause you never know what the mood of the minute is.

I stumbled across this forum, since I am of course still active in trying to talk to other women, that yes the cycle can be broken, be it cheating or abuse in any form. Life will go on, it might be hard at first, but the first time you are taking a relaxing bath without anyone there to harass you, you will enjoy the peace and tranquility of that moment. Start doing things for yourself, be it reading books you wanted to read, seeing movies you wanted to see, or cooking a delightful meal just for yourself.

After the dust has settled you might also want to give your son a well deserved kick in the ass. Next time he screams and yells at you, get in his face and ask him who the hell he thinks he is, that he can talk to his Mother this way. I was brought up the old fashioned European way, you talk back to your Elders and you will get a deserved slap on your behind. Raising your voice to your parents, unheard of.....

I have issues with my parents and sometimes I would love to scream at them, but I just couldn‘t.

You are in my thoughts this weekend, I hope everything goes smoothly. Please take care of yourself and trust that God will provide whatever you need.

Much love

I think you are just a nice woman. And you know what, he will be missing you if you ever leave.

My husband once said to me, it doesnt matter how mad you are at me you always feed me...lol

That is because noone will go hungry in my house, and besides I love to cook.

It is tough sometimes to be not appreciated, and that‘s all any of us want a little validation, a pat on the back. My husband even after all these years thanks me for every meal. And I think that is wonderful, it makes it all worthwhile.

Speaking of cooking, I have a big dinner planned today, and should go chopping veggies.

Do something for yourself, sit down relax with a cup of coffee or tea and a piece of chocolate, always does the trick for me. :-)

I have to agree with Rhiannon here.

Your husband cheats, yet somehow you take the blame, that is a classic. Inside he must be doing handstands and clapping for his victory. You are now giving him more attention again, what is he 2???

I truly think you will have to go to counseling for your depression too, not just the marital counseling. It is not good if you feel that you have to harm yourself. also alcohol and painkillers is a deadly combination. It sounds to me like your relationship is very toxic. My personal advice to you is leave him, seperate. You might even like it.

The next time you are not paying attention to him, will he stray again?? Another thing is his kickboxing, I see he is prolly in his 40‘s like you, it is time to hang his kickboxing up and get a job, provide for you for a change. You have supported him through the years, I think it is his turn.

I do hope you will find some inner peace and remember no man is worth cutting yourself.

Independance Day will come early this year for you. I am so proud of you.

Had my hands full the last 2 days with my ailing MIL who lives with us, she fell twice yesterday and now I won‘t let her walk alone until we get a walker or a cane with a base, so she can steady herself. But in between household, dog, and of course hubby I have been wondering what your day was like. On one hand I am sad for you, on the other hand I am glad, that now you do know he didn‘t get you anything but he got ANOTHER woman something. There are no more doubts.

Very sorry about your sons behavior, this is highly uncharacteristic for a son. My Father was an alcoholic on the weekends, he never touched a drop during the week, but weekends, it wasn‘t pretty. One time his sisters husband said something to his Mother my Dad freaked out, and said noone would talk to his Mother this way. But I guess it was a different time then.

I am sure your son will help you move, because there is something in it for him, he wants that generator. I hope you make tons of friends at work. You can use a good support system. Btw. how are things in your new job?

It‘s getting late, just put Motherinlaw to bed, finished cleaning the kitchen, and just sitting here relaxing for a minute.

Well here is a hug for you, there are people who think about you and wish you well.

With Love

MisB

hi lorrie,

gallbladder is serious but you can treat it yourself, I did!

I was in excruciating pain for 2 weeks, but I really stopped eating everything, except salads and fruit. You must not eat dairy in any way shape or form, or eggs. Only use oliveoil, there is a gallbladderflush I did, which is kinda nasty, but it involves almost 2 cups of drinking oliveoil with some freshpressed grapefruitjuice in it, the next day you will flush out the stones. also you must drink a ton of applejuice, gallbladder thinks it‘s kryptonite. works every time. I had this awful episode last year in January. Healed myself with above products and changing my lifestyle a little, only buying oliveoil, while I always loved the taste of it, I am too cheap sometimes, since it is much more expensive. But it really does the trick.

If you are up for it when you have a lonnnnnnnnng weekend, try this or search on internet for alternative medicines, this is what I did:

The following procedure is based on: "Natural Liver Therapy" by Christopher Hobbs, L. Ac., Botanica Press, Capitola, CA (1993).

1. Eat only whole foods (un-refined foods) without fat for a whole day.

2. About an hour before bedtime (on an empty stomach), drink ¼-cup of extra virgin cold pressed olive oil mixed with ¼-cup of freshly squeezed lemon juice. Repeat this process every 15 minutes until a total of 1 cup each of olive oil and lemon juice is finished. An alternative to this procedure is to replace lemon juice with freshly-squeezed grapefruit juice. ½ cup of grapefruit juice can be used each time. A total of 1½ to 2 cups of grapefruit juice is required. It works well and tastes better than lemon juice.

3. Go to bed immediately and lie on your right side.

4. The next morning take 1 litre (approximately 4 cups) of warm distilled or filtered water containing two level teaspoons of un-iodized sea salt. Alternatively the addition of juice from half a lemon may be used in place of the sea salt.

5. Eat only softly cooked vegetables and broth the second day. The gallstones should come out some time during the second day.

The stones that come out are usually dark green or black in colour. They may also be brown, off-white, green or, rarely, red in colour.

As for the cold, I have my old German recipe, which I have been doing since I was allowed to drink. In the evening I make a spiced wine with lots of sugar, lemons, oranges, cinnamonsticks, and sip it while it is hot. It puts me out like a light and for some reason I get a really good nights rest, which helps the flusymptoms. If you are not drinking, then chicken and dumplings and watch Under the Tuscan Sun, a feelgood movie, hot chamomille tea with a lil bit of lemon, and don‘t forget to take extra vitamin C.

Hope you feel better soon!

I agree with this post. But I wasn‘t there.

I will give you an example so what I did, I had pmed you and told you about a neighbor lady who was very hurt and depressed for 5 years, and she cried a lot. I looked after her, like a sister, brought her food when she was sick and talked to her about doing things for herself. She said you know I hear you and I know you are right, but I am just hurting so much it is overwhelming sometimes. I was blunt with her, but yet sensitive, I didn‘t want to hurt her anymore, so I kind of also think your friend might have some controll issues herself, but I just don‘t know her.

I am a compassionate person, am too trusting, and have often paid the price, but I always told myself, well next time I know better, and I have avoided a few pitfalls here and then. My advice to you is really start slow, like my neighbor says one day at a time. She had a passion for movies and bought so many dvds, which would make her feel better. She also loves to read and she read all the books she wanted to read but never had time during her marriage. (Was great for me, I swapped a lot of books with her)

You are right you need a hobby, needlepoint is very soothing, I do a lot, I like crafts, gardening, cooking, I can spend a whole day in the kitchen.  For every minute you spend on a hobby you will think about something other than your pain.

From my own expierence, when I went thru an abusive marriage and a horrific divorce, where I needed police protection to even go in the courtroom, cause he had shown up the day before with a knife and cut my arm pretty bad, I knew I had to do something out of character.

I refused to let any more pain dictate my life, just plain out refused, I said NO this will stop, I will enjoy birds singing, flowers, the green of the grass and I will be happy and content with myself.

Now this sounds easier than it is done, but I told myself this every day, and I would go for a walk, admire my surroundings, all the beauty of nature that God has given us. There is a serenity that comes over me even today when I work in my garden from spring til fall, I sometimes sit back and just look at it and enjoy every petal of every flower. My husband laughs at me cause I always talk to my plants when I plant them and during the year when I water them. He calls me Mother Earth...lol Soon I am running out of room, I have some projects planned this spring and I cannot wait.

Whenever you feel the emotional tidal wave trying to suck in it‘s pain, step out of it, say I REFUSE and immediately go and DO something, busy your hands and your mind, and hopefully the waves will start less and less.

Congratulations. This phrase made me laugh, I am sorry if this inapropriate. You can take this line and almost use it daily...oh what did you do today?, well let me tell you I am a survivor I survived (insert name or place) bullshit. Too funny!

I think you have a good head on your shoulders, enjoy your new relationship, kudos on laying down the law, exactly what I did.

I knew what I wanted and didn‘t want, and I told my now husband if he had any objections to any of it, than too bad I can stay single a long time. My husband makes the best coffee, so in the morning before he leaves he makes it, and when he comes home he brews another pot, and he goes wait a minute where in the contract did it say I had to make coffee every day, and I said :"what you didn‘t read the fineprint:" hehehe, yeah I got a good one finally.

I don‘t know if this is fantasy or wishful thinking, but here it is:

a world without hunger, a world without disease, a world without violence.. I suppose UTOPIA

As I am getting older and see some family members struggling with alzheimers, this is one disease that scares the hell out of me. Everytime I forget something, I get a little panic attack. My Motherinlaw is getting bad, my hubby who is 52 is starting to worry me sometimes, he can literally ask me same things every day. A cure for Alzheimer‘s would be my whole fanatsy come true.

I‘m thinking about you and hope everything goes well. I‘m glad you got a ring, you deserved it, but the other facts still remain. Stay strong, you are doing wonderful. Stay warm in the morning, my prayers are with you.

I am checking in a few times a day, just to see if pen is safe.

I am sure she has her hands full right now, she‘s prolly on the brink of exhaustion. I know I would be. Here‘s to hoping everything went well. Still thinking good thoughts, go girl go girl go girl.

Wow and wow and wow, I don‘t quite know how to give advice to you without hurting your feelings. For the first part you were innocent UNTIL you found out that you were the other woman. That should have been the end of  the story!!

Why on God‘s green earth would you subject yourself to this individual again? He is an obvious liar. And you, after knowing that he "was still with Kris" had a physical relationship with him, that makes you (insert your own choiceword here). I do not think you will get a lot of sympathy from any of the cheated women here.

My advice is Get out and don‘t look back, he‘s lying cheating nogood scum and you are enabling, meaning he will do the same to you, which he already is. No man talks to 2 different women 5 to 10 times a day, what is he trying to get makeup tips???

Trust.....you got to be kidding, move on Sarah that is your only salvation.

You get creative.

I know money is the most crucial factor. Looking back on my life there were times when we had the bare minimum, but I stretched every penny and I got creative. I didn‘t have a coffeetable for the longest time, I used a huge cardboardbox, which incidentally held my christmasornmanets and other seasonal crap, I put a loose shelf that I got from the garbage (and cleaned it) on top, over it I draped 2 different afghan blankets from a goodwill store. Everyone thought I had such flair with this unusual table, noone ever knew it was a cardboard box. Garage sales and goodwill stores or any other thriftstores become your best friend. One mans trash another mans treasure. and there is nothing a can of spray paint cant cure.

And while you are all doing these little things you are not thinking about being miserable, turn it into quality time with your child, or with yourself.

I have always been an upbeat person and when I realized something had run it‘s course I looked ahead, a new challenge. We all know life does go on indeed whether we are hurting or happy, so you might as well decide to make your happiness. Wake up in the morning and say, this will be a good day, no matter what curveballs come flying my way. And I know what you are saying right now, well I am not the one in pain, but I have been there, yes I have cried, but my mind said ok, lets move forward. And I did.

Take one day at a time, try to find a job, other single women with small children you can trade babysitting with, save whereever you can, research doityourself projects on the internet before you think about buying something. Above all take a moment for yourself and say thank you, I am not being cheated on anymore, I have overcome this, I can do anything!

Now I am really glad I never bought one, because I am cheap. I didn‘t see the sense of buying something, that you can do with a rag and some water with a cleaningsolution that doesn‘t kill the dog. That would make me very upset, I love my dog.

 OMG I have to tell my daughters, one of em has 2 babies, and I think she uses this.

Thank you for the warning!

edited to add I just checked out the website from Urban Legends, so this is only rumor? hard to know anymore what is harmful and what isn‘t.

That is why in my house eco products rule, you be amazed how much you can clean with a box of baking soda.

Congratulations my dearest. You have done the almost impossible, and you are an inspiration to every woman here on this board who ever wanted to leave her husband. The steps you have taken will be paid back to you tenfold in emotional wellbeing.

I am very glad you are safe, I was worried, like many others here.

Ramen noodles are not that bad, I usually add a little bit of dried cilantro or dried chives and it is really good, and I buy these at a dollarstore around here, usually 2 for 1$.  Happy to hear your apartment is coming together. Soon you can just come home and relax, watch some tele or chat with us.

Much Love

MisB

Speaking as someone that has been beaten from early childhood into my 30‘s. At first you do not know any better, beatings and the accompanied destruction of your self worth go hand in hand, by the time I was an adult I picked someone who would give me my weekly beatings, that is what I knew. The mindset of an abused woman is a labyrinth of doubt, unworthiness, and while sometimes we do ask ourselves if there is anything else out there, it is hard to overcome.

But given a choice right at this moment, I would rather be alone for the rest of my life than get beaten or berated one more time. I have escaped, and I will never go there again.

Like damaged1 wrote, you have a good federal job, you can easily get a transfer, screw the 75% that he makes your life normal. Last I checked I needed 100% in anything.

You are so lucky to have means, job, house, Mother, your only solution is to get out, there can be no other way. He will NOT change, the next time he tells you he will kill himself, tell him go ahead do the world a favor, and walk away. Guarantee you he won‘t do a damn thing, it‘s called emotional blackmail.

You know what needs to be done, ( you are seeking help on a woman‘s forum)get him out of your life NOW!!!!

God bless

MisB

Personally, it is cheating, any which way you slice it.

But my question is, how much egging on did the other guys do, and how much alcohol had been consumed? I know a lot of guys succumb to peer pressure, not wanting to look bad infront of their boys. I am torn it is very tricky, but yes I still say cheating. I wouldn‘t want to be the bride, so I guess I have my answer.

Real nails, short and manicured. I have a big garden and dig in it or do something every day. I cannot get the mail without bending down and fuzzing over a plant or something. And I dont like gardengloves, unless I am pruning my roses.

But if I know I have a big event coming up I let them grow out and try to be careful, they are all the same length.

Love pedicures and manicures, but unfortunately there is no money in my budget for that, I did get a homespa footmassager thingy one year for Christmas, does that count...lol Husband does apply nailpolish to my toes and he massages my feet with my special lavender creme, but he said I couldn‘t tell anyone.....oops bigmouth

Sorry I‘m late to the party, so to speak

Uber, I know exactly what you are going through and I am very sorry. The email reply was very cold in my eyes.

I do think however that your friendship will survive, I have a feeling she is going thru something, that she is struggling with, and she is not approaching the subject with you because she already knows that on that"subject" you are critical of her. And sometimes you just want those rosecolored glasses on as long as you can, without someone bursting your bubble.

I never had many girlfriends, mainly because I moved a lot, in Europe from country to country, then I came here, lived in many different states. I have made a few friends along the way, but none really survived my being away. In the beginning phonecalls are frequent, then it becomes less and less and you realize the contact has broken.

One friendship however I thought would last a lifetime finally I ended, because I was being taken advantage of.

My girlfriend was a real slop, I am talking pig pen dirty, dogpoop on the floor with a small child, bathroom was so nasty you would gag. She just had NO interest whatsoever in doing household chores. She was very intelligent, a great Mother, and I couldn‘t wrap my head around the fact she was so dirty. Well she asked me to babysit her child, she was bartending in the evening so she could spend all day with her child, and she made great money, bought her own home, all while being single. And it wasn‘t a nudie bar either, but a sportsbar. I could do it because at that time, my exhusband and I were seperated, and I could stay til 2 AM and still be up at my real job at 8. Besides she needed someone she trusted. One evening after the child was in bed I figured well what the hell I cannot stand this, I have to use the bathroom but I can‘t go, so I cleaned the whole thing. I started to clean a room a night. In the beginning she said, ohh the place looks nice. Then lateron it was expected, and when I didn‘t feel like doing her place, she got mad at me. I was paid like 100 dollars for babysitting the whole week. But the clincher came one day , that was about 2 years later, I had went shopping and she asked me to get her some things. I gave her the bill and she thought I was lying about it, and she said she shouldn‘t have to pay that much, because I drink her coffee while I am babysitting.........WTF?????????????

After that remark I snapped, and I told her what I thought of her housekeeping skills, and that she is lucky I never charged my Maidfees. I realize that she took advantage of me, and we have never talked since, oh and she still owes me for the last week of babysitting.

I think 90% of the women population would love to get an answer to this. I don‘t have it.

You just move on and don‘t call him, or call him and ask him the question?...But you will only get a lie or an excuse.

I will ask my husband later, and see if he can shed a little honest male philosophy on this one.

Do not pay anyone to clean your credit, all that can be done by you. Regardless of what they tell you, it is not an overnight thing.

I have always lived by these rules, you pay the bills first, and then you live of the rest, however little it is. My exhusband had such terrible credit his own bank wouldn‘t give him checks. In a year after paying every bill on time, we got our first creditcard ( low percentage that I shopped around for). Every year our credit became better and better. After 10 years of marriage we had a wonderful creditscore, unfortunately he cheated. Before the divorce was final I made sure his creditscore was the way he came into the marriage....crappy

everyones time for grief is different.

I only cried one weekend, nonstop, and 2 boxes of kleenex later, I was resolved to not being sucked into a depression.

While you are doing the right things going out and all, I actually think in your case that might be too soon. Give yourself some more "couchtime", comfy clothes, comfy foods, good movies. And by all means go jobhunting. Once you find the job you want, you will be busy in your new work and things will slowly fall into place.

I wish you well and lots of luck with a new job

Hi pen,

how is life treating you and the puppies these days?

I am glad everything is coming together, and I know you are still hurting.

You have full rights to his pension, and when you get a divorce lawyer, getting half his pension will be easy. You are entitled to it. He can scream and fight all he wants, the law will be on your side.

Hope you get interent soon.

Love and hugs

MisB

I posted a wonderful easy pie recipe.

It is absolutely the best pie I have ever had, truly I could sit down with the whole pieplate and have it all. ***sigh restraint is so hard

I love to cook and bake, and have often been told by others to open a restaurant.

If anyone has any resquests for a recipe ask me, I have so many and so little time to cook them all.

Tonight‘s menu southern fried chicken, corn, mashed potatoes and gravy. Dessert is fruit, since the meal is rather heavy.

Angela Hacker‘s song Total Loss, she is the newest Nashville Star, and you can listen to the song on usanetworks, since she doesn‘t have an album yet.

For those of you who do not watch the show, the girl has a voice almost like Bonnie Taylor, but all country, a great singer. That song was written by her for original song night.

It is my newest favorite.

kazey wrote:

Thank you summer.. I am going to the store later to get some.... Sundays are my worst days... I work 6 days a week and on three of them   15 hours...I work 3 jobs.. so on Sundays when I should do things for myself..I end up staying in my robe till noon or later and crying..   so I am gonna try  these things..    On the other days.. I am so exhausted I dont have time to feel so bad as on Sundays.. tomorroe I have to go with my daughter to have a test... she has something pressing on her optic nerve.. My Mom had brain cancer so you know I am nervous.. please say a prayer for her..I was tempted to tell my ex... he is(not her Dad) but I know.. he doesnt care so that makes me sadder..  and mad that I am facing this alone... but I will get through it..all I want is for her to be ok... Thank you again...

I hope there is nothing wrong with your daughter, and I will be thinking good thoughts.

How do you have the energy to even be depressed after working 3 jobs. Here is what you do on a Sunday:

make a list on beautiful stationary, and tape it to your bathroom mirror or next to it

write down

SUNDAY RITUAL aka MeDay

1. fill tub with nice hot water, put your favorite scent in, many available in Dollarstores, nice bathsalts

2. after bath, blowdry your hair, nothing makes a woman feel more special than having that just come out of the salon look.

3. give yourself a manicure, pedicure

4. have a good cup of coffee or tea your preference with a nice croissant, muffin whichever you prefer, and read the sunday funnies and the funnies only

5. Dress up and go for a walk,  either at a closeby park, or in a shoppingmall in bad weather, fresh air is best. Before coming home from work, spoil yourself and your daughter by getting pizza or the foods you love. If you are on a tight budget, cook something simple, like a salad and chickenbreast. Play aboardgame with your daughter.

6. for the evening watch a feelgoodmovie, have some tea, there are so many herbal teas which make you feel relaxed and then go to bed.

As far as depression goes, I do not believe in it, yes you have days you don‘t feel like doing something, but everybody has them. I think the depression label has been slabbed on too much, and medications prescribed that even make things worse. I have been in dark places in my life, but the one thing I always told myself is, this is crappy day, tomorrow will be a better day, it just has to be. I enjoy so many things, that even if I am feeling blue, as soon as I do one of the things I love I forget about my troubles.

Positive thinking is the best remedy, plaster your mirror or workstation with little inspirational quotes, when you are in the bathroom and look in the mirror, say out loud, well hello beautiful, it‘ll make you smile guranteed.

Be stern with yourself, when you feel a crying river come on tell yourself out loud "Enough", immediately get up and do something.

Do I cry, yes of course, I am a mushy goose, I cry at commercials, I cry in church, I cry when my dog is sick, but I don‘t ever cry because my abuse is over and I am lucky to be here telling you all about it.

So take heart, small steps, enjoy each day, be kind to yourself, because know this

YOU ARE SOMEBODY IMPORTANT 

Even though you may want to move forward in your life, you may have one foot on the brakes.

In order to be free, we must learn how to let go.

Release the hurt. Release the fear.

 Refuse to entertain your old pain.

The energy it takes to hang onto the past is holding you back from a new life.

What is it you would let go of today?

a quote from Mary Manin Morrissey

very happy you have your friend back. I would have been beside myself. 

I have lowered myself to the point where I would walk the streets at dawn with a little plastic ball and a bell inside, my cat‘s toy, and calling him, shaking this little ball. I was all ready to make up flyers when I heard a pathetic meow outside, I opened the door and here he was, dirty and dishevelled. A neighbor told me later he was locked in the garage. I loved that cat, he was with me for a long long time.

I think it is horrible how some people are treating animals, stealing them for breeding....man they would better hope I never catch them. I worry about a neighbor, she has a purebred black little cockerspaniel in her yard, it‘s fenced, but the dog is outside 90% of the time. I am convinced it will be gone soon. My own dog is never out of the house by herself, the backdoor opens she has a leash on already, besides she really isn‘t one for being away from us. We take her to the park every day, it‘s a baseball park, fenced, I take off the leash, and we let her run, well but she really doesn‘t....lol she walks right beside us, sometimes when she sniffs something, we do a trick on her, where we sneak away half the field, and when she notices she panics, looks around sees us and comes flying across the field. That‘s the only running this dog does. LOL She‘s a lazy one! I have to walk her double, to keep her weight in check.

Lord have mercy on me if this dog ever passes, I need more than a valium.

Oh NO! You did not ask that question!

Let‘s just put it this way, it weighs roughly 10 to 12 pounds, and hubby calls it a black hole!

I was having an asthma attack the other day when we got home from shopping, and I was just doubling over and wheezing, hubby said where is your inhaler, I pointed to purse, after 10 minutes I opened purse myself, stuck my hand in it and in a fluent motion pulled out my inhaler. I described it to hubby as "organized chaos"

Really funny considering I am stickler for order, but my purse is a mess of things I need to carry around and can‘t let go.

Keyring with so many different keychains from all over the country, it weighs about a good 2 pounds by itself, and only has 3 keys on it...LOL

Wallet, sunglasses with case, tissues, unread mail, tons of store receipts, I keep them safe there, swiss army knife, lifesavers, perfume, and odd sugar packets, also found a pack of crumbled crackers in buttom of purse, this I threw out. A bunch of cd‘s I don‘t like to leave them in the car so I lug them around. Nailfile, pens and papers to write on. Hairbrush.

Every thing a grown girl needs.

So very sorry to hear what you are going through Sunny, and you are right, when it rains it pours.

I find it incredible that he got 21 days, even after you explained it was an accident. I am sure your son is sorry, very very sorry. I think one night in detention would have been enough.

As far as the girl goes (with demented Mother), you just have to let this roll of your back. If the woman was rational you could argue, that well a Mother should know what is going on with her 14 year old daughter, the morals and values should already be there. 
I know when I was 14, I wasn‘t allowed to go out with some boys and if I did go out to play, it had to be in front of house, in eyesight of my Mother.

As for the other girl, I understand her parents too, at least they didn‘t say she couldn‘t see your son anymore, but rather want to make it supervised in their home. Just think about it, as much as you love your son and want him safe, this is as much as they love their daughter. And there is still a stigma attached to girls that run around and get into trouble, they will always be marked as easy prey. I do understand the parents there. Think of it if this was your daughter. While you might feel pissed at the implication of being a "bad" parent, don‘t feel bad, you are doing a great job in your circumstances, and your sons know you love them. Hopefully they have learned a lesson. And the truth is, you cannot control what teenagers do 24/7, noone can, even if 2 parents are at home.

When I was 16, my parents went away on a trip for the first time without us kids, just a few days, I was in charge as the oldest. First thing I did when they left, I went to the  winecellar and picked out a good bottle, and procceeded to get slushed that evening. But I was home , with my siblings tucked away in their beds. I got so sick that night, that I behaved for the remainder of my unsupervised time.

A lesson learned...lol

And it really is true, when the cat‘s away the mice will play.

Long ago I went through the same exact thing.

My ex and I got married in a different state, where he was stationed in the Army. a year later we had a formal affair in his hometown with his family and friends. I was introduced to his best friend and his wife, we had a great time, that night after all the partying we did at the reception hall, we went to the couples house. I was getting kind of tired, still in my wedding gown, and shoes were killing me. She said she had to go to bathroom, and the rest of us sat around talked about this and that, all of a sudden my hubby was gone. 10 minutes pass, 20 minutes, half an hour, I go looking for them. They were locked in the bathroom together. I asked what was wrong and he said through the door, she needed to talk????!!!! WTF this was supposed to be my night.

Her husband after an hour went to the door and knocked and said we should call it a night. The 2 of us sat around uncomfortably, glancing at our watches. After 2 hours the bathroom dorr fianally opened. She came out and said I am so sorry, but I just had to talk to him, I haven‘t seen him for so long. Whatever! I let my husband know that I didn‘t handle this situation well and it was best we kept minimum contact to them for the remainder of our stay there.

We went home every year on leave (well his hometown), and every year even so I had begged him not to talk to her, there was a few scenarios like our wedding night. It became so hurtful to me, that when it came to go to his hometown, I had stomach pains.

One year, (the last year I was with him) we went there again, we got a call from his friend at the house asking us to come to a party, they had bought a new house, and invited a bunch of friends. We would be at least 6 or 7 couples. Before I agreed I said to hubby, if you spend one minute with her alone I will leave, he said what if she corners me???? What the hell  you are a man, push her aside and walk away, tell her YOUR wife is waiting.

It was a pleasant evening, until a few drinks of alcohol had been consumed by all parties but me ( I am always the driver) Around midnight most of the couples left, and while I thought it be a great idea to leave too, our hosts wouldn‘t have none of it. One guys date had left too, so it was the host couple, us and a single guy, who was also a highschool friend of hubby and hasn‘t seen him in years. We had a lot of fun, until I went to the bathroom, when I came back my husbnd and hostess were gone. Since I didn‘t want to upset the others I stayed calm, but inside I was mad as hell.  The guys and I played a board game, but I glanced at my watch, and the single guy caught it, the host went in the kitchen for more refreshments, and single guy asks me how I could be so calm, it was obvious there was something up. WOW this from a guy I haven‘t met before that night, he said, why don‘t you go and see where they are, he said if it was my significant other, I would. Well I finally found them in the basement, since I was barefooted, they didn‘t hear me, only at last second, they were sitting on a couch in an unfinished basement, and he had his arms around her. That was all I needed to see. I went upstairs grabbed my purse and told the host, if he couldn‘t control his wife I would damn well leave and he could sort out the mess by himself.

I left and when I got to our place I locked all the doors.

It was an unpleasant ride back to our home in the Army, and things went downhill fast. He just couldn‘t be trusted, and he had admitted to cheating, not with her, but someone else while deployed.
I could not deal with this. If I can‘t trust you it is hard to have a relationship. Both my husband and "the friend" swore up and down they never did anything. I just cannot believe it. Funny after our marriage broke up, their‘s did as well, so maybe I wasn‘t the only one with trust issues.

My advice to you is this:

Talk to him in a calm manner, telling him all the things that make you feel insecure, and for the most part it is his friendship with that woman. If he loves you, then he should want to minimize your pain, by a) not talking to her or b) finding another job, since they work together.

Don‘t back down, for in a relationship you should come first and above everything else. I was seething inside for 10 years, and it can affect your health.

I understand your concerns, that the guy while "perfect" in so many ways, well he just is not perfect if he cannot see that this is hurting you. And really there might be someone else who treats you just as good, but who doesn‘t have a friend.

I don‘t think you are overreacting really.

All the best to you and I hope you can get it worked out

Chelsea, so sorry to hear about your Mom‘s passing. This has to be one of the hardest times in life. You and your family are in my prayers.

I found this poem for you, I really liked it

YOUR MOTHER IS ALWAYS WITH YOU...

Your mother is always with you...

She‘s the whisper of the leaves
as you walk down the street.

She‘s the smell of bleach
in your freshly laundered socks.

She‘s the cool hand on your brow
when you‘re not well.

Your mother lives inside your laughter.
She‘s crystallized in every tear drop.

She‘s the place you came from,
your first home...
She‘s the map you follow
with every step that you take.

She‘s your first love
and your first heart break...
and nothing on earth can separate you.

Not time, Not space...
Not even death...
will ever separate you
from your mother...

You carry her inside of you...

~Author Unknown~

Sorry for what you are going thru. As an ex military wife with 10 years in the Army I know what deployment and war does to many of our soldiers.

My advice to you is, talk to his supervisor in his unit, or the Unit chaplain. Your husband might want to refuse the therapy sessions, or so he says to you, but they will be mandatory if you step forward and alert his chain of command. As an Army wife you also should have a support system, other wives, the therapy sessions are free to you as well, as they are for the children.

And from what you are saying you could all benefit from them.

The cheating is another thing and really not military related, but it will be adressed in therapy. I have been thru the same thing, we had a wonderful therapist in Ft. Carson.

If you want your marriage to succeed you must all go to counseling.

I have been reading your story, and for 15 years it is rather short. I am sure a lot happened in that time.

I had a few days to think what was bothering me and while I am by no means attacking you, I would like to share my observations of what you said.

First let me say, being cheated on is never ok, and it is one thing I myself cannot look past.

You said he‘s a "pretty nice guy", you busted him 3 times cheating, you want to leave but have 3 kids, you married for security , you are not attracted to him,  family comes always in second to everything else, there has never been a time you were truly happy.

Wow these are some powerful statements in itself, and some even contradict themselves.

You have to evaluate what is the most important thing for you.

Happiness

Security

Love and affection

I think your husband knows that you are not attracted to him, and that you love the security he gives you, as far as he is concerned, he has done his share to fulfill your marriage bargain.

Why are you not attracted to him? What made you cheat in your second year of marriage? Does he know about it?

There are so many questions here.

You have to seek counseling to figure out what you want, and then you take the steps to get there. If you have never worked, you go back to school, you prepare for the day that you can be self sufficient. If that is not something you want to do or think you can do, than you have to fall in love with him.

By all accounts he is treating you right, he must make a decent living for you to be a stay home Mom to 3 children. On the other hand he is not happy either, because he knows you have no interest in him.  A man feels the same rejection a woman does.

You have not mentioned your childrens relationship to their Father. Do they love him, does he do things with them?

Lack of sexdrive can be a hormonal thing with women.

I am not excusing that your husband cheated, but it really sounds like the 2 of you are living 2 different lives. He‘s getting his needs fulfilled somewhere else, romantic and other ones, which is in total contrast to what he gives you, financial security only. Do you have any things you do together as a family?

If you want to leave you better have a plan, and with no workhistory that will be a tough climb uphill. You must do some things for yourself, to make yourself happy, go to school, find a part time job, anything that makes you feel validated.  

If you want to stay in the marriage, you need to seek counseling, because there is no way you can go thru this maze without it.

What are the things you like about your husband?

My husband today is nothing like the "vision" I had when I was a young girl. I would say he is not my type, but guess what. As you get older you get over the tall dark and handsome and you go for the loving gestures, words spoken, that is what makes me happy today. We communicate about everything, there is no subject we don‘t talk about, we love all the same things, and not a day goes by without him telling me how much he loves me and appreciates me.

So my dear, you have some thinking to do of what you want out of your life, and no the last 15 years were not wasted. You have 3 beautiful children, you have had the luxury of raising them yourself. That in itself is a gift nowadays when so many Mothers have to work.

I wish you well and hope you can find happiness .

seems to me you all need a cooling off period.

I know you saw your chance at a guy you have liked for a while, and usually the saying "strike while the iron is hot" applies to almost everthing, NOT in this case.

Give the man a breather, he must get out of the other relationship all by himself, if he wants to. And sorry I do not buy the "she was suicidal I slept with her" approach. He wanted to or he wouldn‘t have done it. It has been my expierence that anyone that threatens to kill themselves, will not do it, that is just emotional blackmail.

Where does he live now, still with her or with you? or does he have his own place?

Way too much drama I agree with TOW

Has your husband ever cheated?

You are a little too suspicious, sometimes a card is just a card!

Don‘t create a problem, if there is none.

Move on sweetheart

Why would you want to be with someone who always threatens to kill himself?

Yeah I can see that, he comes home from work, you are sitting there watching tv, he threatens to kill himself because you didn‘t do the dishes. **********SIGH*

Get out of this relationship, for someone who is 8 years older than you, he sure acts immature.

If you are saving yourself for marriage, find someone worthy. There are a few of them out there. But HE IS NOT IT!

Hugs to you

sweetie, listen to your own self!

Love should never mean you are miserable, because then it stops being love.

I loved my exhusband, he was everything a girl could dream about. We had a great marriage when he was home. Armylife is rough and he was deployed a lot, and whenever he was gone he cheated, then confessed, so I could obsolve him from his sins. That just didn‘t work for me.

After 10 years with a bleeding heart I left him, we both cried and hugged and said our good byes. All my family begged me not to leave everything behind, they thought I should get passed his little indiscretions, after all he was the perfect husband when he was home. That was almost 9 years ago, I am remarried to a wonderful man, and my sister still asks me if I miss my ex, and if he was out of the Army now we could be married again...WTF is she smoking?

See, I loved him so much, I did try to forgive and forget, but I was MISERABLE, and my soul was being destroyed bits by bits. That‘s when I knew I just had to go.

Yes every relationship has its ups and downs, we have financial worries like everyone else, but we are not miserable. We are thankful for the things we have and we muddle thru like a lot of other couples, but our love is stronger than ever, if we wouldn‘t have each other it would be harder to cope. Being miserable is not in our relationship vocabulary and it shouldn‘t be in yours either.

Girl you should be thanking your lucky stars that this relationship is over.

But since you have a daughter with him it won‘t be that easy.

The guy is a piece of garbage, really, how low he must be to stoop to this level, the mother of his child, to hurt you so much. And yes I can envision and feel your pain. I would prolly cry my eyes out too.

But sweety he only says these things to further put you down, because just maybe he realizes he has made a mistake, and he is talking up the other girl, if she even exists, to convince himself, that he made the right move.

I agree with the other poster, for the sake of your daughter you will just have to ignore whatever he says, don‘t be baited, and above all don‘t show emotion. When he starts whispering his dirty lies in your ear, just start humming a song in your brain, Mary had a little lamb works wonders for me, when I have to tune someone out...lol

I guarantee he will get tired after a while, if he sees your emotional barrier cannot be breached anymore, and he will move on, most likely to his next victim.

I would rather be by myself for the rest of my life than being with a complete ass like your ex.

Things will get better with time trust me, your pain will lessen and so will his verbal attacks. Stick around here for some support, there are some mighty nice people here.

But for now I give you a big hug

Stay strong, and be glad he is "mostly" out of your life.