There is a site developed by women lawyers specifically for divorce & child custody cases - http://www.womenlawyers.com/domestic.htm

(no need to reinvent the wheel! ;) )

Until then try these:

http://womansdivorce.com/divorce-links.html

http://www.aardvarc.org/

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

http://www.divorcemag.com/

http://www.divorcecentral.com/

http://www.divorcesupport.com/

http://www.divorcenet.com/

http://www.divorcehq.com

My advice? Man or Woman lawyer - it doesn�t matter.  Take free consults with at LEAST 3.  Don�t take their word for it just because they�re a lawyer (they might be lazy and looking for a slam dunk)  Ask QUESTIONS!!  Fees? How can I reach you? How long does it take for you to return a call?  The first place I would call would be a Domestic Violence Crisis Line in your state for a referral.

how nice of him to tell you how and what to think! That by itself is ABUSIVE.

He‘s a cop? Just shows me how much more education needs to be done with police in the US & Canada.  As someone who has been there & done that - call a DV CRISIS CENTER FIRST!!  let them walk you through the system. 

Try these sites: http://www.abuseofpower.info

http://abusesanctuary.blogspot.com

Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.

HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST

Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.

If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.

Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.

• 8,000,000 American women are currently living with heart disease - 10% of women ages 45 - 64 and 25% age 65 and over.
• 6,000,000 of women today have a history of heart attack and/or angina or both. Nearly
• 13% of women age 45 and over have had a heart attack.
• 435,000 American women have heart attacks each year; 83,000 are under age 65 and 9,000 are under age 45. Their average age is 70.4.
• 4,000,000 women suffer from angina, and 47,000 of them were hospitalized in 1999.

Mortality:

• Heart disease is the leading cause of death of American women and kills 32% of them.
• 43% of deaths in American women, or nearly 500,000, are caused by cardiovascular disease (heart disease and stroke) each year.
• 267,000 women die each year from heart attacks, which kill six times as many women as breast cancer.
• 31, 837 women die each year of congestive heart failure, or 62.6% of all heart failure deaths.

At-Risk:

• The age-adjusted rate of heart disease for African American women is 72% higher than for white women, while African American women ages 55-64 are twice as likely as white women to have a heart attack and 35% more likely to suffer from coronary artery disease.
• Women who smoke risk having a heart attack 19 years earlier than non-smoking women.
• Women with diabetes are two to three times more likely to have heart attacks.
• High blood pressure is more common in women taking oral contraceptives, especially in obese women.
• 39% of white women, 57% of black women, 57% of Hispanic women, and 49% Asian/Pacific Islander women are sedentary and get no leisure time physical activity.
• 23% of white women, 38% of black women, and 36% Mexican American women are obese.

Compared with Men:

• 38% of women and 25% of men will die within one year of a first recognized heart attack.
• 35% of women and 18% of men heart attack survivors will have another heart attack within six years.
• 46% of women and 22% of men heart attack survivors will be disabled with heart failure within six years.
• Women are almost twice as likely as men to die after bypass surgery.
• Women are less likely than men to receive beta-blockers, ACE inhibitors or even aspirin after a heart attack.
• More women than men die of heart disease each year, yet women receive only:
  • 33% of angioplasties, stents and bypass surgeries
  • 28% of inplantable defibrillators and
  • 36% of open-heart surgeries
• Women comprise only 25% of participants in all heart-related research studies.

Those red flags are there to expose an abuser if only we were trained to see them. You will read the list and think… ”Now why oh why didn’t I think of that!” That over protective boyfriend in high school that demanded all your time and attention may have seemed romantic at that time. That boyfriend that was so handsome and charming but never seemed to have any money, and even though he made profuse flowery promises, he never paid you back.

HOW TO SPOT AN ABUSER CHECKLIST

Simple questions. Powerful questions. Perhaps even life saving questions.

If you answer YES to more than just even one or two of these you are in an abusive relationship. The higher the number of questions checked the more serious the potential of the abuse. Carry this list with you on dates, keep a copy by your computer to refer to when chatting online it is a great tool! I used it (it worked) and I know of many other women that have.

Unfortunately, abusers can also be very intelligent and charming and can often weave elaborate lies. Think of the serial killers we hear about on the news. That is why it is SO very important to take one’s time to get to know the person you are interested in. Hopefully even a skilled liar will eventually hang himself or herself on a lie.

AND LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!!

Note: This list is not comprehensive. Your particular situation may be somewhat different. If you feel you are being abused, seek professional counseling. Nothing in this checklist shoud be considered a substitute for counseling.

FAMILY HISTORY: Has your partner reported being physically or psychologically abused as a child? Was your partner‘s mother abused? A family history of abuse is a significant predictor for a person to become an abuser as an adult.

JEALOUSY: Is your partner jealous when you spend time with friends and/or family? Does your partner constantly accuse you of flirting with others? Does he call you frequently during the day? An abuser will probably tell you that jealousy is a sign of love and concern. In fact, jealousy has nothing to do with love; it‘s a sign of possessiveness and lack of trust.

CONTROLLING BEHAVIOR: Does your partner become angry when you don‘t listen to his advice? Is your partner angry when you are a little late coming home from an appointment or shopping? Does he control all the money? Do you have to ask permission to leave the house? Are you afraid when your partner becomes angry with you? At first, abusers will explain that controlling behavior is motivated by their concern for their partner‘s safety or the need to make good decisions. Rather than expressing concern for the partner, controlling behavior shows a deep lack of respect for the partner. It fulfills the need of the abuser to dominate, rather than fulfil the needs of the victim.

QUICK INVOLVEMENT: Did your partner "sweep you off your feet?" Did your partner proclaim his or her love for you before the two of you had spent enough time together to get to know each other? Did your partner pressure you to commit to the relationship before you felt ready to do so? Were you made to feel guilty by your partner if you wanted to slow down your involvement with him? Many abused people dated or knew their abusers for less than six months before they were married, engaged, or living together.

ISOLATION: Is being with your family and friends "more trouble than it‘s worth" because of your partner‘s jealousy? Does he constantly criticize the people who support you or try to undermine your trust in them? Does he try to keep you from going to work or school? An abusive person will try to cut the victim off from all resources, especially friends and family. An abuser knows that the more contact a victim has with others, the more likely she is to defy the abuser or to leave.

BLAMES OTHERS FOR PROBLEMS: Does your partner blame you for his mistakes? Does your partner feel life is unfair and someone is out to get him? Does your partner find it difficult to take responsibility for his actions? Abusive people do not hold themselves accountable for the abuse they commit, and rarely take responsibility for their actions. After being blamed and criticized for everything she does, the victim will eventually internalize these false messages and begin to believe that she is responsible for ending the abuse that is committed against her.

HYPERSENSITIVITY: Does your partner perceive slight setbacks as personal attacks? Is your partner easily insulted? Does your partner lose his temper frequently and more easily than seems normal? Abusers typically have low self-esteem. Their self-confidence may be so fragile that even constructive criticism is seen as a threat.

CRUELTY TO ANIMALS OR CHILDREN: Does your partner seem insensitive to the pain and suffering of animals? Does he expect children to do things beyond their ability? Does he tease children until they cry? Insensitivity to children or animals is common in abusers because abusive people are generally not considerate of the feelings of others. 60% of men who beat the women they are with also beat their children.

"PLAYFUL" USE OF FORCE IN SEX: Does your partner like to throw you down and/or hold you down during sex? Does he want to act out fantasies during sex in which you are helpless? Does he ever try to manipulate you into having sex when you are not in the mood by using sulking or anger? Abusers enjoy having power over their partners, and sex is one way in which they can feel in control. Many abusers find the idea of rape exciting. Rape, like abuse, is about power over another person.

VERBAL ABUSE: Does your partner say things that are cruel and hurtful? Does he degrade you or put you down? Does he tell you that you are stupid, lazy or clumsy? The abuser wants his partner to be dependent on him/her. He will try to undermine his partner‘s self-confidence by putting her down, making fun of her, demeaning her, embarrassing her in public, and/or calling her names.

RIGID SEX ROLES: Does your partner expect you to serve him? Does he say that you must obey him in all things because you are a woman? Does he/she insist that you stay at home and discourage you from working? Abusers sometimes see women as inferior to men and unable to function as a whole person without a relationship. They accept this reasoning as an excuse to abuse and dominate their partners.

DR. JEKYLL AND MR. HYDE: Are you confused by your abuser‘s "sudden" changes in mood? Is he extremely moody and prone to unexpected explosions of anger? Many women think that their abuser has some special mental problem because one minute he‘s nice, and the next he‘s exploding. Moodiness is typical of batterers, and it is related to other characteristics of abusers, such as hypersensitivity.

PAST BATTERING: Has your abuser admitted to hitting women in the past? He may say that they "made him do it." Have you heard from relatives or an ex-spouse/girlfriend that your partner is abusive? Situational circumstances do not make a person an abuser. A batterer is likely to beat any woman he is with if the relationship lasts long enough for the violence to begin.

BREAKING OR STRIKING OBJECTS: Does your partner destroy objects you value? Does he beat the table with his fists or throw objects around or near you? The abuser may use this behavior to punish his partner, but it is also intended to frighten the woman into submission. The abuser feels that he has the "right" to punish or frighten his partner.

ANY FORCE OR THREAT OF FORCE DURING AN ARGUMENT: Does your partner ever physically restrain you from leaving a room, push you or shove you? Does he ever hold you down or hold you against the wall saying something like "You are going to listen to me"? This is not only a form of control, it is an indication that your partner is willing to use force to maintain control over you. In abusive relationships, violence frequently escalates. It may begin with a push or a slap, but it can become much more violent!

http://www.amie.org/abuse/abuser.shtml

For the person who is suffering from the illness, it is hard for them to understand that there is a problem that needs to be addressed. Sometimes they just brush it aside as having a �bad day�. And women tend to blame their mood on their menstrual cycle. And while that may be true, there are other issues that could be causing the mood swings and other behavioral issues. Sometimes it can be hard to distinguish between what a person may call a bad day and depression. The difference between just having a bad day and having depression is how long you have had your symptoms. You must have at least five of the listed symptoms for two weeks for a diagnosis of depression can be made. There are many signs and symptoms of depression. As I mentioned before, these signs and symptoms can be attributed to other causes such as having a stressful time in your life or an actual physical illness. It is important that you let your doctor check you out to make sure it is not a physical illness. The changes to their personality and behavior are often very subtle so it is very hard for the actual person experiencing depression to recognize that there is something wrong. Often it is the family and friends are the first to notice that something is amiss.

Often the person who is experiencing depression will experience physical symptoms before behavioral changes. From experience I know that this is very true. Around two or three years ago when my second episode of depression had bedidn�t didn�t know that it had begun. I was having physical symptoms that didn�t respond to treatment. Later on, after further research on depression, I realized that I had been in the early stages of depression. Listed below are some of the physical signs of depression:

The actual actions and self-defeating behaviour of those with BPD are projected out onto others who are, for all intents and purposes, experienced by those with BPD as merely extensions of themselves (until they get into therapy).

It is this lack of conscious understanding and awareness as to the individuation of self and other amidst a fog of lost �true self� that leaves borderlines acting and reacting out of their �false selves� and treating others truly as poorly as they usually treat themselves.

If you have BPD, and you have come to realize the grief you feel for actions and words you�ve hurled at others genuine remorse must then be expressed to others in a heartfelt apology. It must be offered without any expectation.

Most with BPD as they recover will see in the wake of their borderline years a path of destruction and devastation amid the populated reality of broken and lost relationships.

Apologizing, making amends, and taking personal responsibility for any and all pain you�ve caused others as the result of �borderline behaviour� must be genuine and offered freely. It is not something to offer anyone with any expectation of re-connecting.

If re-connection happens to be a possibility, it is best if it follows a period of congruent responsible behaviour after an apology is made.

If it is not even a remote possibility recovery rests on a much firmer foundation if you can still offer your apologies for what you regret having done to someone else.

This taking of personal responsibility also means that you do not stay stuck with old perceptions or focus on what may or may not have been done to you. You must truly let things go and grieve them and then take personal responsibility and apologize for any wrongs that you caused.

This is a gift to give oneself as well as any and all that one has hurt in the course of living a very difficult and painful way of life in the active throes of BPD.

In addition to ADHD being a trait that could either be developed in childhood or inherited from one parent or another, antisocial personality is seen shared among children and their parents. About two-thirds of delinquent boys have fathers with a criminal record. Europe has conducted studies that clearly showed that if a biological father is a criminal, it is very likely the son will be too (Siegel, & Senna, 2004). Not only is there a biological influence, but also an environmental one, because young boys look up to their fathers and want to become like them. They see their fathers‘ antisocial behavior as normal and as a desirable trait to have. To further back this idea, Ghodsian-Carpey and Baker (1987) performed studies on twins four and seven years old. They used mother ratings and observation checklists looking for characteristics such as rejection, teasing, insulting, verbal threats or yelling, and disobedience. They collected moderate to high scores to show a heritable influence on aggression in twins. The more specific a study is regarding its parental and self reports the more likely a higher twin correlation with heredity and aggression appears. On a side note, studies in adult male twins show insignificant rates of aggression (Rushton, Fulker, Neale, Nias, & Eysenck, 1986) and this study shows that not every child who has a behavioral disorder in their youth will continue displaying these traits into adulthood. Some boys learn to cope or adjust to socially acceptable ways.

The sooner ADHD is detected in a child, the more effective treatment will be in reducing these traits. Medicine (such as Ritalin) and behavioral therapy can help diminish negative traits of ADHD personality. ADHD is treated most often as a risk factor for antisocial/delinquent behavior, which in turn is an important risk factor for crime and delinquency. A plausible explanation for this may be that a trait of ADHD is the inability to control their behavior.

Characteristic Traits of ASPD

Causes for ASPD

Course of Development and Persistence

Studies of male criminal careers show that they are least likely to start committing criminal activities after adolescence. Children with the highest likelihood to turn into adults with ASPD will establish a pattern by late adolescence (Moffitt, 1993a). For the children who don‘t establish this antisocial pattern by late adolescence, their disorder is considered adolescence-limited. In contrast with the life-course-persistent type, they lack consistency in their antisocial behavior across situations. For instance, they may follow school rules but abandon conventional standards outside of the school where they shoplift and use drugs with friends. For adolescence-limited youths there usually is a gradual decline in the momentum of their antisocial behavior, but many will fall prey to the same snares that maintain life-course behavior. Consequences of delinquency, which may include a drug habit, an incarceration, interrupted education, or a teen pregnancy, are snares that may keep an individual in a delinquent lifestyle.

COMMON MENTAL ILLNESSES AMONG JUVENILE OFFENDERS

Multiple diagnoses of mental illnesses ("comorbidity") are common among juvenile offenders; finding multiple disorders within a single adolescent is not uncommon. All 71 subjects in one study of seriously delinquent juveniles in detention were found to have more than one diagnosis of mental illness. Another study found that 63.3% of incarcerated juveniles had two or more diagnoses of mental illness, along with a significantly higher prevalence of psychotic symptoms than a matched community sample.

The most common diagnosis for boys is Oppositional Defiant Disorder or Conduct Disorder, often with an additional diagnosis of ADHD.

Sadly, the multiple mental health needs of juvenile offenders are often unaddressed. For example, one follow-up study of 97 incarcerated male adolescents found that all but six had been rearrested as adults; most had never received treatment for their psychiatric disorders.

Identifying symptoms of mental illness that might interfere with functioning is necessary to rehabilitate the social, academic and occupational skills of juvenile offenders. Early identification and intervention is a priority, particularly with diagnoses that can lead to later offending. Boys tend to suffer from behavior disorders (Oppositional Defiant Disorder;Conduct Disorder) and ADHD, which often co-occur and contribute to delinquency. But these disorders can be treated with appropriate medication and/or appropriate psychosocial and behavioral interventions. These also can contribute significantly to delinquency but can be treated with medication and/or cognitive-behavioral treatment interventions. Additionally, youths suffering from psychotic symptoms, who are at risk for exploitation and assault while in correctional facilities as well as undue suffering, can be helped through appropriate psychiatric treatment.

CONDUCT DISORDER AND ATTENTION DEFICIT HYPERACTIVITY DISORDER

Behaviors associated with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) and Conduct Disorder (CD) are frequently blamed for juvenile offending. The two disorders co-occur so often that it is difficult to determine how much each disorder contributes to delinquent behavior. Thirty to fifty percent of adolescents diagnosed with ADHD also receive a diagnosis of CD, though the two disorders differ substantially.

Several studies of incarcerated juveniles found that 87-91% had Conduct Disorder (CD), which is not surprising given that CD is characterized by persistent violation of age-appropriate societal norms or rules or a disregard for the rights of other individuals. Examples of CD symptoms include aggression towards people or animals, destruction of property, theft or running away. Antisocial adolescents are different from other adolescents in the ways they think, perceive relationships, and relate to others. Teens with CD have limited problem-solving strategies because they are inflexible in thinking about problems and possible solutions. Aggressive adolescents tend to see hostile intentions in ambiguous social interactions, and are likely to respond with unanticipated aggression without provocation. Children with a diagnosis of CD demonstrate poor social skills, such as a lack of empathy and a tendency to be impulsive, problems associated with the adult characteristics of psychopathy.

Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) is characterized by symptoms of inattention (e.g., forgetfulness or disorganization), hyperactivity (e.g., fidgeting or talking excessively), or impulsivity (e.g., interrupting others‘ conversations). Adolescents with ADHD exhibit poor school performance, reduced participation in extracurricular activities, and poor social relationships. Children and adolescents with ADHD have limited problem-solving skills and difficulty paying attention. ADHD in adults is associated with other mental illness, incarceration, job failures, and marital problems.

Earlier research suggested that these two syndromes arose from the same underlying condition, even though they had different symptoms, especially since both diagnoses have been found to predict juvenile and adult criminal offending. But more recent studies suggest that the two diagnoses represent two distinct disorders, with ADHD relating more closely to cognitive and academic problems and CD relating more closely to delinquency in adolescence and antisocial personality disorder in adulthood.

Several medications have been shown to be effective in treating adolescents with ADHD, including antidepressants, clonidine, neuroleptics, dextroamphetamine, methylphenidate, and pemoline. (These medications have not traditionally been prescribed for behaviors of CD, though methylphenidate has been shown to effectively reduce most CD symptoms.) Other effective treatments for ADHD include psychosocial interventions, such as classroom based behavior modification, social skills training, cognitive skills training, and parent training/home-based interventions. Using more than one of these approaches along with medication appears to produce better results than medication alone or a single intervention.

Treatment of CD has generally been limited to non-pharmacological interventions. The dysfunction associated with conduct disorder is an integral part of a larger context of living conditions, such as poor housing and education or ineffective parenting skills. Cognitively based interventions appear to reduce antisocial and aggressive behaviors. Parent management training (PMT) teaches parents to respond consistently to children and to interrupt maladaptive interactional habits that maintain aggressive or antisocial behavior. It has demonstrated short-term effectiveness in promoting prosocial behaviors in children and in reducing maladaptive behaviors through effective discipline practices. Functional Family Therapy, which expands parent management training to include family therapy, is also effective. In particular, Multisystemic Treatment (MST), which additionally includes interventions with offenders in school and community settings, has been shown to be a highly effective intervention for the delinquent behaviors associated with CD. Juvenile offending, regardless of diagnostic status, is best thought of as a potentially chronic disorder requiring multiple, persistent interventions across numerous settings, rather than an acute condition that resolves after a brief intervention.

ADHD may interfere with the acquisition of basic academic skills and general intellectual functioning. CD leads to acting out behaviors that may result in juvenile justice involvement. Early conduct problems associated with CD predict offending as early as age 12-13 and difficulties with social and behavioral requirements in school settings. Juveniles having both ADHD and CD have lower intellectual functioning and poorer academic skills and enter the juvenile justice system earlier. The presence of both disorders results in earlier delinquency and more negative outcomes.

Some juveniles have only ADHD symptoms; some have only CD symptoms; and some have both ADHD and CD symptoms. Therefore, careful examination of each symptom is necessary for a good diagnosis of either of these disorders. Correct diagnosis requires a careful review of the symptoms that may belong to one or the other diagnosis, or to both. Appropriate treatment for the presence of either disorder should include consideration of symptoms indicating the other disorder, and whether treatment for both disorders is indicated.

http://www.ilppp.virginia.edu/Juvenile_Forensic_Fact_Sheets/MHNeedsJuvOff.html

"It is my obligation to reveal the truth about the... Pentony Family of [personal home addresses listed]... Send greetings to your favorite Pentony... Rest assured that this website is completely legal and valid. It is an expression of free speech, totally protected by the First Amendment ... you will see your name plastered over every internet site imaginable... Claudia, have you seen the new letters which have been received at [home address listed]?"
        -- John Ruskie web site, www.pentony.com

The Internet is a wonderful medium. Thanks to the wonders of the world wide web, like-minded people can meet from all over the world without regard to geographical constraints. A gardener from Florida can correspond with a gardener in China about optimal methods for propagating hibiscus, a knitter from Deluth can discuss color patterning with a weaver from the Hebrites Isles in northern Scotland, singles can meet each other over the net and assess whether they‘d like to meet in person for a date, and businesses can utilize any number of powerful search engines to find everything from widgets to service providers. Through the Internet, we can find like-minded people, encourage each other, provide emotional support through life‘s ups and downs, disseminate knowledge we find helpful to others so they can also achieve their goals, grow and become successful in life.

However, positive growth-oriented web sites aren‘t the only media flourishing on the Internet. The First Amendment protects even the most opprobrious sites from government censorship. With the exception of the Oregon anti-abortion group who posted the personal home addresses of physicians who performed abortions and encouraged abortion rights activists to kill them, the courts have been reluctant to permit any type of censorship. The recent rash of school shootings share one common factor -- all of the killers were adolescents who shared a fascination for violent video games and frequented hate web sites.

Through the Internet, dysfunctional, violent people can find one another and perpetuate their delusional schemes to retaliate against the society they feel has oppressed them. Prior to widespread use of the Internet, batterers had a difficult time finding one another. Communities looked with scorn upon the violent behavior of the batterer and, more importantly, told him so. Unable to find emotional support or reinforcement for his abusive and controlling ways, the batterer was forced to change his behavior or sulk silently in his home while society cast a baleful eye upon him. Today, however, this is not the case. With one click of the mouse, the batterer has the world at his fingertips.

If you type the words "Fathers Rights" into any search engine, you will reap a harvest of thousands of links to groups all over the country. One web site, http://www.hky.com/frn/frlinks.html, has links to 124 well organized Fathers Rights organizations. Although the majority of these web sites appear to appeal to responsible men who want to be good fathers to their children, the purpose of some are more obvious. Five openly state their primary agenda as eliminating child support. Five claim to provide pro se legal services for men. Two advocate for fighting restraining orders. Ten are openly misogynist.

However, to truly get inside the mind of most of the Father‘s Rights movement, you need to enter these web sights past the initial pro-family propaganda and read their newsletters, message boards, and the information they are teaching their constituents. A look at the true motives of the Father‘s Rights movement is truly frightening. Through the medium of the Internet, misogynists and batterers find each other, fuel each others rage, obtain emotional support and information for their vendettas, learn how to harass their victims without violating restraining orders by using the courts and state administrative agencies, disseminate information about dilatory pro-se litigation tactics aimed at allowing the batterer to subpoena his victim into court, put her on the stand, and publicly demean her under the guise of "cross-examination," and learn to legitimize their behavior to the judiciary and public as the actions of "a concerned father."

To get an idea of the extremes some Father‘s Rights advocates will pursue their vendetta, it is useful to go to the particularly egregious web site (http://www.pentony.com) belonging to a very disturbed individual named John Rushie. The vendetta began when his wife, Jane Pentony Rushie, filed for divorce. John Rushie failed to pay $6,900 in child support before his ex-wife‘s untimely death. Jane‘s sister, Claudia, an attorney, was appointed guardian by her sister and attempted to collect the back child support on her nephews behalf. In response, John Rushie founded the Pentony web site alleging that the entire Pentony family, a family consisting of established professionals and businesspeople, "lie under oath... have committed felonies... are addicted to a wide range of costly substances, including uppers, downers, diet pills, pot, and especially alcohol... are racists... cheat on their taxes... [and] abuse their children" (John Rushie, http://www.pentony.com/homecnt.stm). Like most Father‘s Rights advocates, Rushie has ample "evidence" against the Pentony family -- digital copies of court documents which, divorced from all context, he claims support his case. The "evidence" doesn‘t appear to have any connection to his claims. Some of the documents have suspicious squiggle marks through them, indicative that they may have been digitally altered.

One piece of "evidence" is a scanned copy of a business sized white window envelope with the word "Jane" written on it (http://www.pentony.com/scans.htm). Rushie claims this is "proof" that Jane was converting his paychecks worth thousands of dollars each after the divorce and therefore he doesn‘t owe child support. Although most people would notice if a paycheck worth a thousand dollars was missing, no mention of legal action for the missing paychecks is made. A scanned photograph of an attractive but modest split-level home in Pennsylvania alludes that his ex-wife‘s father‘s home is worth more than the $153,000 tax assessment and brags "It‘s a good thing that I am a good citizen... I feel it my duty to advise the tax collectors that [home address] needs to be reappraised" (http://www.pentony.com/scans.htm). He threatens "we have obtained information that really shows what you monsters are all about ... so far you have cost us $80,000 but we will never stop our quest for honesty and justice... hundreds of letters that include the false allegations are currently being mailed out so everyone can know the facts ... we have been in contact with many neighbors .. who will testify against you" (http://www.pentony.com/main5.htm). A blatantly digitally altered lewd photo purporting to be Claudia Pentony tops a special page ranting about her "cold distant father and drugged mother" and "several tries... to pass the bar exam." He lists her home address, encourages other Father‘s Rights advocates to send hate mail, and alludes "it is unfortunate that Claudia was so abused as a child. She is continuing the family tradition of beating her children and should be stopped. Authorities are investigating complaints of abuse" (http://www.pentony.com/slide17.htm). Not content to contain his vendetta against the sister appointed guardian by his deceased ex-wife, Rushie expands his vendetta to his deceased ex-wife‘s entire family. Bizarre diatribes lambast the extended Pentony family. Readers are encouraged to send hate mail to her elderly parents home address in Florida along with other family members. The web site promises more of this harassment with the message "you will see your name plastered over every internet site imaginable" (http://www.pentony.com/main5.htm).

(snip)

Vindictive Custody/Visitation Suits

Who can forget when Marcia Clark, prosecutor in the O.J. Simpson case, was forced to cut her work hours because her opportunistic husband, computer engineer Gorden Clark, tried to use his successful wife‘s career as evidence as her unfitness as a parent?

Ellen Zucker, a Cambridge (Massachusetts) lawyer and national board member of the National Organization for Women stated "When women do the same kind of work we expect men to do, people say she‘s an unfit mother. Courts are condemning women for looking out for their own economic survival." (Clark Case Sparks Debate on Work and Gender Roles, Peter S. Canellos, the Boston Globe, March 4, 1995).

A custody battle is the quintessential power struggle between men and women. It‘s about who controls a woman‘s mind and body. It‘s also about who gets to control the future. Children are the future. Men think of children as the necessary chains to keep wives from flying away. If they fly away anyway, they transfer their needs to their children. (Phyllis Chesler, Mother‘s on Trial: The Battle for Children and Custody, p. 449 (1986).

It‘s a new way of roping women to the home: threaten to take the children away if the woman works as hard as a man (Clark Case Sparks Debate on Work and Gender Roles, Peter S. Canellos, the Boston Globe, March 4, 1995).

Today‘s mother‘s usually take the bigger economic hit in a divorce -- an average 30 percent decline in their standard of living. Yet mothers may lose custody because they have to work to support the kids. (What Every Woman Should Know About Divorce and Custody, Sally Abrahms and Gayle Rosenwald Smith, Perigree Books, 199__).

Violent men will likely seek new means of control when old ones fail. Batterers use the legal system as a new arena of combat when they seek to keep their lives from leaving. (Lenore E.A. Walker & Glenace E. Edwall, Domestic Violence and Determination of Visitation and Custody in Divorce, p. 130 (1987)).

The custody action is part of an ongoing attempt, through physical violence, intimidation, and legal manipulation, to force the woman to make concessions or return to the abusive partner.

The judges know these men as "court regulars". Perpetually angry, perpetually persecuted, years after the divorce their lives still revolve around the ex-wife‘s latest transgression. For example, Paul Clements, founder of Dads Against Divorce Discrimination (Massachusetts) estimated that in three years he had been in court 24 times, six of those times on visitation and vacation issues alone. (After Divorce, A Father‘s Fury, Barbara Canton, the Boston Globe, August 12, 1993).

Another frivolous custody case is that of Beth McDonough of South Boston, whose four-year divorce was an endless litany hundreds of motions, hearings, orders, contempts, and attempted pre-trial hearings. Justice Anthony R. Nesi of Suffolk Probate and Family Court noted in his findings that "the papers, excluding over sixty trial exhibits, fill over one large court filing tin" and that her "husbands huge attorney fees are due, in part, to his inability to accept any thing less than victory." Ms. McDonough stated "the court process... made me emotionally bankrupt." (The Militant Divorcee, Linda Matchan, the Boston Globe, December 15, 1998).

In Lenore Weitzman‘s study of divorce, one third of women interviewed reported their husbands threatened to seek custody as a ploy in post-separation negotions. "Men see custody as a part of a total package of divorce issues; women are more likely to consider custody on an altogether different level -- it is something they simply cannot negotiate about because it is too important -- it is worth any price." (Lenore Weitzman, The Divorce Revolution, p. 311 (1985).

David Cherney, president of the Massachusetts chapter of the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers, describes litigation as a symbolic gesture to regain control of the ex-wife. "You see custody battles launched not for the child‘s best interests, but to exploit weakness in the spouse. I‘ve seen fathers who travel three days a week and clearly have no ability to care for their kids on a daily basis, yet they‘ll file for full custody, either to get leverage or put the fear of God in the mother, or to get her to accede to his demands on the financial end." (The Militant Divorcee, Linda Matchan, the Boston Globe, December 15, 1998).

Cases are often endlessly delayed by a spouses stalling tactics and by pro-se spouse‘s (or their attorney) riling them in court in an attempt to prove they are hot-tempered and thus unfit as parents. "Despite the perception that mothers always win custody cases, studies show that fathers who contest custody win sole or joint custody in 40 to 70 percent of cases." (Congressional findings, VAWA proposed 1999 amendments, H.R. 357, Title II, s. 201 (16).

To understand why a woman may remain with an abusive male long after it becomes apparent the relationship is unhealthy, one must first understand the psychological impact being responsible for helpless human beings has upon a woman. The wearing, repetitious labor of motherhood becomes part of the cycle of survival in ways we have trouble recognizing. The constant work and need create a wearing down of the self, an erosion of borders that represents not confusion but exhaustion -- a thirst for solace and protection as well as individuation. The constant demands of children, especially in an unstable situation, may prove exhausting. Women experience this blurring of borders, this need to subject their own needs to others, even when violence is not present. The sense of physical responsibility to the children -- inevitably, economic responsibility -- is a major constraint. Women and children suffer severe economic consequences upon divorce. Mothers must be very desperate to walk out without knowing how they will all survive. (Martha R. Mahoney, Legal Images of Battered Women: Redefining the Issue of Separation, 90 Mich. L. Rev. 1, p. 21, 23 (1991)).

"According to a 1996 report by the American Psychological Association, which Congress views as authoritative on matters of domestic violence and child custody and visitation determinations, custody and visitation disputes are more frequent when there is a history of domestic violence. Further, fathers who batter mothers are twice as likely to seek sole custody of their children and they may misuse the legal system as a forum for continuing abuse through harassing and retaliatory legal actions." (Congressional findings, VAWA proposed 1999 amendments, H.R. 357, Title II, s. 201 (9)).

Intentional Infliction of Emotional Distress

"The plaintiff in this action moves this Honorable Court� to allow Mr. Corey sufficient time to cross-examine Ms. Fantucchio [the wife]. A years wroth [sic] of communication has been prevented by a 209A restraining order and one day is not enough time to provide information to the court."
        -- Fantucchio v. Corey, Norfolk Probate & Family Court (Mass), 95D1230 (motion, August 12, 1996).

Besides the visible, physical impact of wounds created by battering tactics endorsed by the Father‘s Right‘s movement, there are serious psychological repercussions as well. Reactions of shock, denial, withdrawel, confusion, psychological numbing, and fear are common. The long term effects of abuse include fear, anxiety, fatigue, sleeping and eating disturbances, intense startle reactions, and physical complaints. (Council on Scientific Affairs, American Medical Association, Violence Against Women: Relevance for Medical Practitioners, 267 JAMA 3184, 3184 (1992)). Perceptions of vulnerability, loss, betrayal and hopelessness are more severe for intimate violence victims than for victims of stranger assaults because of their relationship with the abuser. Victims of intimate violence and stalking can exhibit symptoms consistent with Post-traumatic Stress Disorder. (Kathleen McAnaney et al., From Imprudence to Crime: Anti-Stalking Laws, 68 Notre Dame L. Rev. 819, 832-38 (1993)).

Behavior, such as that described by Victoria D, is extreme, outrageous conduct beyond the bounds a decent society can tolerate specifically intending to cause harm to the target. The intolerable behavior is psychological warfare which is specifically taught to members of Father�s Rights group to maintain contact beyond a restraining order and batter the victim legally. It is extremely frustrating for a victim to be told to hire a lawyer and sue the batterer for intentional inflection of emotional distress. She doesn�t need protection 7 or 9 years down the line when a civil court gets around to looking at the batterer�s behavior, nor does she have the money to hire an attorney, nor will money damages make her whole. She just wants the batterer to go away and leave her alone.

Unfortunately, the courts don�t take a victim�s pleas to stop the harassment of a continuous barrage of frivolous litigation by a batterer. In the case of Larkin v. Ayer, the Massachusetts Supreme Judicial Court declined to decide whether physical manifestations of emotional harm resulting in the aggravation of a preexisting medical condition can constitute "abuse."

The Court found that the complainant‘s testimony at a 209A hearing that petitioner‘s conduct in sending the complainant notices of future lawsuits and court proceedings aggravated her ulcers, was insufficient to warrant an extension of a 209A order since the conduct did not rise to the level of "imminent serious physical harm." (Larkin v. Ayer Division of One District Court Department, 425 Mass. 1020 (1997)). What is disturbing about this case is the fact that the batterer engaged in other behavior similar to that described by the victim Victoria D. earlier in this paper. Very few victims sue their batterers. In fact, in most states, they can�t since most of the victims are former spouses and spouses are unable to sue a batterer for intentional inflection of emotional distress. Only two states, Florida and another, have recently changed their laws to allow civil recovery of deliberate misconduct during a divorce.

To dispel the notion that the story of Victoria D. is an isolated case, and also to help the reader see the connection between this behavior and the information available through the internet and group meetings of the Father�s Rights movement, we will look at the divorce case of former Weymouth School Committee member and Fatherhood Coalition legislative director Paul Corey. (Fantucchio v. Corey, Norfolk Probate & Family Court (Mass), 95D1230-D1). The 54-page finding of fact and memorandum of law written by Judge Koppleman reads like a Steven King novel (Findings of Fact, July 16, 1997). We will discuss the case ad naseum because it typifies the batterers the Father�s Rights movement is trying to portray sympathetically in the media.

On July 20, 1995, after 10 years of marriage, 16 years total living together, four children and several failed attempts at marriage, Katherine Fantucchio Corey filed for divorce. On July 25^th, the husband attempted to obstruct Catherine from leaving the home first by physical force, then by removing her keys and all identifying registrations from her car, then by taking her wallet and credit cards. Catherine was forced to obtain rides to work from her sister. On July 27^th, she emerged from work to find the husband waiting for her with the three younger children. Instead of taking her home, he ignored her pleas and forced her to go to Wareham (about a 40 minute drive away), screaming at her in front of the four children until, in desperation, Catherine tried to make her escape by jumping out of the car (presumably as it slowed). He dragged her back in, and she crawled into the back seat to escape him and comfort the children while he proceeded to scream at her for the entire 40 minute drive that all of their problems were her fault.

On August 2, 1995, Catherine obtained a 209A restraining order, which she voluntarily allowed to expire on August 9^th hoping the husband would stop his controlling conduct and because he was caring for the children while she was working during the day. This arrangement, however, became problematic because the husband, on several occasions, failed to arrive to care for the children and failed to notify Catherine he wasn�t coming.

Corey fired several lawyers early in the divorce process when they refused to file some of his motions, then chose to proceed as a pro se litigant utilizing advice garnered from the group The Fatherhood Coalition (Boston) and various Father�s Rights web sites.

On September 13, 1995, the husband once again prevented Catherine for leaving for work and blocked her egress from the house, cornering her in the bathroom in front of the middle son. When she tried to escape to her car, the husband pulled her keys out of the ignition, breaking the key ring, forcing his way into the car, badgering her for 40 minutes and spewing the contents of her purse about the car. The next day the Catherine obtained another restraining order, which was continued. That same day, the husband filed his own restraining order, submitting a three-page affidavit claiming:

The husband‘s request for entry of a restraining order against the wife was denied. The Children and the Law program at Mass General Hospital was appointed guardian ad litem to evaluate the current parenting capacity of each parent and make recommendations to the court.

In March of 1996, Dr. Julia Reade concluded, and the trial judge found, that Catherine was an adequate and loving mother, was not suicidal and did not suffer from post-partum depression, and did not suffer from "perimenopause" syndrome. The trial judge also found that "although the husband showed no evidence of major mental illness or cognitive deficit, he did demonstrate substantial difficulty in the following areas of functioning:

In the Findings of Fact, item 28, Judge Koppleman wrote that "after his eviction from the marital home, the husband embarked upon an unremitting campaign to harass and intimidate the wife as set forth below:"

Not only did Paul Corey harass and intimidate his wife, he also harassed and intimidate the children�s daycare providers.

-- In the fall of 1995, Catherine received a sobbing telephone call at work from the youngest daughter�s preschool teacher. Apparently the husband had requested that the Braintree police investigate his allegations of abuse. Following this incident, the daycare provider told the wife she felt too harassed to continue caring for the children and Catherine had to find another daycare provider.

-- The second daycare provider also resigned because she was receiving daily telephone calls from the husband inquiring about her care of the children and because the husband had requested the Weymouth Police and the Office for Children investigate her home because she was not a licensed daycare provider.

-- The third daycare provider, Jackie, had bogus allegations lodged against her for welfare fraud (for a period in the past when she had collected welfare) and with the Office for Children alleging that she was abusing the children and over the legal limit.

Corey�s motion of April 3, 1996 where he once again filed for custody alleges that "a steady stream of men arrive� all hours of the day or night, stay for a few minutes, then leave" (she was having her house renovated) and numerous other false allegations.

On February 12, 1996, the wife filed a motion for contempt because the husband had refused to pay his $83 per week (for four children under the age of 10) child support; had liquidated joint certificates of deposits, had made derogatory comments in front of the children, and had failed to exercise visitation on various weekends. She had also filed an earlier motion requesting that the four of the five properties acquired during the marriage be liquidated and divided between the parties because she was unable to meet her mortgage payments and living expenses due to the husband�s refusal to pay his child support. Over the next several months, Catherine had to file more motions for contempt as the husband still refused to pay the child support and the mortgage on the marital home kept falling into arrears.

On June 20, 1996, the husband liquidated the joint marital account containing $25,000. The court ordered that all of the husband‘s tools and equipment remaining in the marital home be sold to pay the arrearage on the mortgage, as well as two of the properties.

In March of 1997 It was discovered that the husband had filed "mechanics liens" against those properties in an attempt to block the sale by the Special Master appointed by the court. Those liens were discharged as nonmeritorious.

On May 12, 1997, the husband filed his own complaint for contempt alleging that the sale of the personal property authorized by the court was improper, that the wife had been irresponsibly handling her day-to-day expenses, and that she has been living a lifestyle "far in excess of the lifestyle the couple maintained while living together. He also alleged that Catherine and her attorney had "conspired to deliberately refuse to pay the mortgage on the marital residence" in order to create the appearance that they had to liquidate more of the husbands personal property. He demanded that the wife be ordered to produce an accounting describing the items sold, that she account for how she determined pricing for the items, and that the court hold her in contempt and sanction her.

Perhaps the cr�me-de-la-cr�me of motions, however, was the "Complaint for Affirmation of the Marriage" (a boilerplate form which can be found at several of the Father�s Rights websites) Corey filed on June 19, 1996 where he alleged that:

It is an interesting side note that, while he was drafting his complaint for marriage, the husband (who claimed he was unable to work or pay child support) found time to draft legislation prohibiting no-fault divorces where the husband refused to give the wife permission unless the court made a decision that the marriage could not be saved. He found the time to gather the signatures necessary to force Senator Hedlund (Weymouth) to introduce the bill into the Massachusetts legislature, where it died. In connection with his complaint for affirmation of the marriage, the husband requested that the court:

After the court refused to afford him the relief he requested, the husband appealed to a single justice of the Appeals Court, which was denied.

The actual divorce trial, which lasted 13 days, was conducted by Corey pro-se. Most of the trial consisted of Catherine being forced to take the stand for cross-examination while Corey badgered her. Corey produced an "expert" witness, Dr. Charlotte Richards, to testify on his behalf to shore up his claim that Catherine from "perimenopause" (a questionable "syndrome" which supposedly occurs in the decade before the onset of menopause which Corey claims made Catherine mentally unstable) even though Dr. Richards had never met Catherine, never had access to her medical records, and had never obtained the necessary blood work to make the diagnosis of the wife. There are also numerous questionable motions that were filed during the 13 day trial, including one that demands the court refer the parties for forced marital counseling (motion, August 5, 1996) and another ordering a new GAL report alleging Dr. Kenneth Herman had lied about him (also August 5, 1996).

At last, after Paul Corey got caught attempting to steal paperwork from the courthouse docket, the court ordered that he couldn�t have access to his file and also sanctioned him for abuse of process, finding that his numerous frivolous motions were aimed solely at forcing the wife to lose numerous days out of work, presumably so she would be economically dependent on him, and to harass her.

This tendency to attack the woman�s livelihood has recently been recognized by Congress:

"The Department of Justice estimates that intimate partners commit more than 1,000,000 violent crimes against women every year. American workers who have been victims of crime too often suffer adverse consequences in the workplace as a result of their experiences as crime victims. Crime victims are particularly vulnerable to changes in employment, pay, and benefits as a result of their victimizations, and are, therefore, in need of legal protection. Three quarters of battered women who work were harassed by telephone by their abuser at work. Nearly 50 percent of rape victims lose their employment or are forced to quit their jobs following the crime, and one quarter of bettered women surveyed have lost a job due in part to the effects of domestic violence.

The availability of economic support is a critical factor in battered women‘s ability to leave abusive situations that threaten them and their children, and over half of battered women surveyed stayed with their batterers because they lacked resources to support themselves with their children. Employers pay between $3,000,000,000 and $5,000,000,000 annually to cover the cost of crimes against employees and their families. Surveys of business executives and corporate security directors also underscore the heavy toll that workplace violence takes on American women, businesses, and interstate commerce. 94 percent of corporate security and safety directors at companies nationwide rank domestic violence as a high-risk security problem. 49 percent of senior executives recently surveyed said domestic violence has a harmful effect on their company‘s productivity, 47 percent said domestic violence negatively affects attendance, and 44 percent said domestic violence increases health care costs.

Only 12 states have enacted statutes forbidding employers from taking adverse action against employees who have been victims of crime and must participate in the criminal justice process during working hours, and no State explicitly protects crime victims from other adverse action which may result from their status as crime victims. Existing federal law neither expressly authorizes battered women to take leave form work to seek legal assistance and redress, counseling, or assistance with safety planning activities, nor does it protect crime victims from retaliation, discharge, or other workplace penalties that may result from their status as crime victims." (Congressional findings, VAWA proposed 1999 amendments, H.R. 357, Title II, s. 701.)

Even after that date, the pleas disguised as motions to the court continued, demanding that he be allowed to confront Catherine in the courtroom. Despite his later arrest for numerous violations of the restraining order, civil commitment, spat being whisked "underground" by the Fatherhood Coalition, extensive media hype painting him as a "victim" of the "domestic violence witch hunt" (including a front-page article in the Boston Globe on December 12, 1997), criminal charges arising for assaulting and harassing a subsequent female intimate, and his eventual plea-bargain of "no contest" in exchange for getting counseling, Paul Corey�s pleas to the court to force Catherine to stay with him or punish her for leaving continued 3 years after the divorce. It is sad that Mr. Corey�s and the Father�s Rights movements true motive, that of utilizing the court to maintain contact with an estranged wife or former girlfriend, is spelled out by his own hand in his motion of August 12, 1996,

"The plaintiff in this action moves this Honorable Court� to allow Mr. Corey sufficient time to cross-examine Ms. Fantucchio [the wife]. A years wroth of communication has been prevented by a 209A restraining order and one day is not enough time to provide information to the court." (Motion, August 12, 1996).

http://www.thelizlibrary.org/liz/FRtactic.html#vindictive

by: Ruth Houston

This may be the most important article you�ll read about dealing with your husband�s affair. There�s plenty of information available on what to do if your husband is cheating. But very little has been written about the things you shouldn�t do.

Your husband is cheating. You�re not sure what to do. Before wrestling with that decision, let�s focus first on what you SHOULDN�T do. Most women react blindly when they find out their husbands are having an affair. They let fear, anger, hurt, or a desire for revenge compel them to do things they later regret -- things which make it difficult or impossible to implement any worthwhile infidelity advice they may later receive.

This article will keep you from making a mistake that could sabotage the course of action you eventually decide to take. Regardless of whether you decide to leave your husband or stay with him and try to work things out, doing the wrong thing at the outset can make a bad situation worse. Let�s look at 5 key things you SHOULDN�T do and examine the reasons why.

1. Don�t put him out or leave him - yet.

Instead of your first move, putting your husband out or leaving him should be your last resort. You may eventually decide to do this, but for now, it�s the worst thing you can do. Right now you need to keep a close eye on what�s going on. It�ll be easier to do that if the two of you are still living under the same roof. If you put him out or leave, you�ll be hard-pressed to know what he�s doing, short of hiring an investigator. As long as you�re still together, you can keep your finger on the pulse of his affair and gather some much-needed facts. There�s a lot you need to know about the situation before you can make an intelligent decision about what to do. Continue monitoring your husband�s activities, attitude, the frequency of his contact with his lover and any other details concerning his affair. Write everything down in a journal for future use. Also bear in mind that as long as he�s still there, you have a chance to work things out.

2. Don�t tell the whole world about his infidelity.

It�s natural to want to confide in somebody about your husband�s affair, or rally friends and family to your side. But be very cautious about who you tell. The female friend you confide in could turn out to be the �other woman.� Make sure you�re confiding in someone you know you can trust. Confiding in a male friend about your husband�s affair could complicate the situation. There are men out there who take advantage of women when they�re in a vulnerable state. Telling your husband�s friends or family may not produce the results you want. They might not take you seriously, or they may lie, make excuses for him, take his side, or warn him to cover his tracks. Confiding in your own family and friends can eventually come back to haunt you. Elephants aren�t the only ones who never forget. Some people have a tendency to remember unpleasant events long after they�ve been resolved. If you and your husband decide to reconcile, they could make things difficult by harboring anger and hostility toward him for what he did to you. Or they may show resentment toward you for taking him back. Exercise caution in who you tell about your husband�s affair.

3. Don�t ignore his affair or pretend it�s not happening.

Going into denial will only make matters worse. As traumatic as it is to find out that your husband has been cheating, you need to face the reality of the situation. Ignoring his infidelity gives him the go-ahead to continue his affair. Pretending it�s not happening will make him think he�s getting away with his cheating, or give him the impression that he has your silent approval. At some point you should inform your husband that you know about his affair and make it clear that you want it to stop. The sooner you confront him about his cheating, the better. The longer you wait to bring it up and express your disapproval, the more attached he will become to the other woman. And the harder it will be to get your marriage back on track. Remember too, that affairs thrive in secrecy. Sometimes, just telling your husband you know about it, will be enough to put a stop to his affair.

4. Don�t confront him without the 3 P�s � Proof, a Plan, and a Purpose.

Most experts agree that you should confront your husband about his cheating. But you need to have a plan. Choose the time and place carefully so you can discuss the affair at length without interruption. DO NOT ask your husband if he�s cheating. CHEATERS ALWAYS LIE. Present the evidence you�ve gathered that proves he�s having an affair - names, dates, places, times, absences, phone calls, physical evidence, etc. Then ask him some pointed questions about his affair: why he did it, how it started, how long it�s been going on, how he feels about the other woman, what he intends to do now that you know. Listen carefully to his answers so you can accurately assess the situation. Then you�ll be able to make a wise decision about what course of action to take. DO NOT CONFRONT YOUR HUSBAND WITHOUT PROOF OF HIS INFIDELITY. To do so will be a colossal waste of time. Unless you can prove he�s been cheating, the information-gathering phase will never get off the ground.

5. Don�t waste your time and energy on the other woman.

One of the worst things you can do is become obsessed with the other woman. It�s natural for you to be curious about her, but she�s not worth your time and energy. Repeatedly questioning your husband about her, referring to her or dragging her name into the conversation puts the spotlight on her instead of on the real issues where it belongs. Don�t obsess over the details of what happened between the two them. Concentrate on working things out between the two of you. Do not humiliate or frustrate yourself by calling or confronting the other woman and demanding that she leave your husband alone. She�s not obligated to take orders from you. Harassing her or threatening her will put you on the wrong side of the law. Name-calling, criticizing or belittling the her will only make your husband come to her defense. You�ll be driving them closer together instead of forcing them apart. Forget about the other woman and focus your energy and efforts on getting your marriage back on track.

Will you end up sabotaging your marriage or saving it? The final outcome depends on the way you handle things when you first discover your husband�s affair. In the initial stages, you may be unsure exactly what you�re going to do. But at least you know what NOT to do. Whether you stay with your husband or leave him, avoiding these mistakes, leaves the way clear for whatever decision you eventually make.

This page is for the women who aren‘t sure what a Good Boy is. If you‘re used to dating abusers, I bet you think the guy you‘re with now is terrific--even though he still somehow manages to make you feel like crap and cry on a pretty regular basis. Men can MAKE YOU CRY even when they are not "Classic Abusers." And you don‘t deserve a jerk that makes you cry. Or if you‘re single - - learn what a Good Boy is before you start dating again! Don‘t settle for some jerk just because "he‘s way nice compared to my ex abuser!" Whatever! Don‘t settle.

What is a Good Boy? (Besides a cute nickname) And why do you deserve one? Because everybody deserves to be respected emotionally, physically, mentally and spiritually. If you date men who give you less than you deserve, it‘s no one‘s responsibility but yours to demand better. If your boy doesn‘t have these characteristics below, I bet you find yourself crying over him late at night...dump him. And if you‘re out dating, make sure you get a Good one.
 

Let‘s define the words "Good Boy."
Basically, a good boy treats you how? Well, he treats you GOOD!

• He helps you feel safe and comfortable.
• He apologizes when he‘s wrong and admits it openly.
• He‘s honest, even when being honest is uncomfortable.
• He would never, ever control who you talk to/where you go/what you wear/what you do.
• He goes out of his way to call you or visit (if he knows it‘s that important to you)
• He would never insult you, your friends, your job or your school.
• He takes your feelings seriously and if you tell him something isn‘t working for you--he tries to change it so it does.
• He does what he says he‘ll do (call, visit, complete something he promised he‘d complete)
• He is honest about his plans--where he goes or what he tells you he‘s doing (no lies!)
• He‘s proud of you so he includes you in his life whenever he can (introduces you to family and friends)
• He does not forget or brush off dates or holidays (this guy NEVER stands you up)
• He doesn‘t make you wonder how he feels--he tells you how he feels (I love you/I miss you/I care about you/I‘m upset/We can work this out/I‘m wrong/et cet.)
• He doesn‘t hang up on you--he‘s too mature for that.
• When something is wrong--he tells you--and it‘s important to him you work it out.
• No yelling, or silent treatments--he‘s grown up enough to talk until miscommunications are cleared up!
• He won‘t go to bed mad if that bothers you--he‘ll talk when you need to.
• He takes responsibility for his actions--if he breaks something--he‘ll fix it!
• He‘ll take his girl out if she asks him to!
• He doesn‘t cower and run/hide at the thought of a serious conversation or peaceful "confrontation"---he cares enough about you to sit his ass down and talk.
• He wants you to be happy and you can tell by how frequently he pleases you.
• He doesn‘t forget to thank you for all you do for him.
• You frequently have reasons to thank him! And he appreciates your gestures.
• He makes you feel wanted, appreciated and secure in the relationship.
• You know he likes your company and it‘s not all about sex.
• He‘d never pressure you to do something in bed you don‘t want to do.
• He would never let his friends yell at you or insult you. In fact, he‘ll tell them to shove it if they act irresponsibly toward you!
• He‘d never act cold if you‘re in tears--he comforts you.
• He doesn‘t expect you to be the one doing all the giving (emotionally or otherwise) because he cares about your needs!
• He does the "little things" that count. (Those vary from woman to woman)
• He forgives you when you apologize or admit you‘re wrong--and he doesn‘t throw it up in your face later.
• He never flirts with your friends.
• He‘d never cheat.
• He‘d tell you if he‘s interested in someone else--no backstabbing.
• If you ask for something and he can do it or get it--consider it done!
• He is not addicted to drugs or alcohol!
• He keeps you and your wants/needs high on his list of priorities--and it shows!

Unfortunately, meeting someone over the Internet does not mean you�re exempt from possible dangers. More than 500 million people are hooked into the World Wide Web, and criminals are taking every advantage of it.

Jayne Hitchcock of "Working to Halt Online Abuse� says, "We�ve had problems with chat rooms, e-mails, newsgroups, message boards, fantasy sports. You name it, I swear, anywhere online something can happen to you."

Cyber crime expert Jayne Hitchcock testified before legislators Tuesday against Internet crime. She spoke in support of a bill that would require online dating services to provide a disclaimer as to whether or not they provide criminal background checks on its members.

Jayne says, "You have single adults, divorced adults going online to these dating websites thinking, �well, it�s a good way to try to meet somebody� A lot of them just don�t take the precautions they should. This is just one better step for safety for them."

Ashley Woods says meeting people online can be scary because you never know who you�re chatting with. She says she agrees with online services having disclaimers, but it shouldn�t stop there.

Ashley Woods says, �It�s not just putting a disclaimer, it�s all about the webmaster, whoever runs that website enforcing it. A disclaimer is just like a label. Don�t put it up there if you�re not going to enforce it."

Forty six states now have cyber stalking legislation on their books. Hitchcock suggests that if you are on a site that does not do background checks, pick another site. She also stresses that when meeting someone in person for the first time, have a friend call you periodically, or better yet, take them with you.

http://www.wctv6.com/home/headlines/1440707.html

BEWARE ONLINE DATING

London, UK - Looking for love on the internet on Valentine‘s Day? Better watch out for the crook who will steal your cash as well as your heart, according to the British government.

The Office of Fair Trading (OFT) issued a warning on Tuesday about the dangers of online dating scams, where criminals use dating agency websites or chat rooms to find potential victims.

"The internet has opened up a new and exciting way to meet your potential life partner and, although the vast majority of those who sign up to an online dating agency are genuine, some scam artists are out to trap the unwary," the OFT said.

The scammers take time to build up a relationship with their online victims and convince them it is true romance.

They then suggest a meeting as a natural progression - but the catch is they need cash in order to make this happen.

After getting the money, the crooks disappear.

"This latest example of an online scam shows how scammers use legitimate services to prey upon people‘s vulnerabilities and hopes for companionship to defraud them of their money," said Christine Wade, OFT director of consumer regulation enforcement.

The scam is just one of those that costs Britons an estimated �1bn a year, the OFT said.

http://www.news24.com/News24/Backpage/BetweenTheSheets/0,5583,2-1343-1346_1880759,00.html

Call him a bigamist, but not a sociopath

When learning of our partner‘s affair, most of us feel an intense "need to know" - asking questions to try to make some kind of sense out of what has happened.

Here‘s an excerpt about this from my book, The Monogamy Myth

"When a person discovers their mate is having an affair, their world suddenly turns upside down. In order to recover any sense of balance, they need to get more information and understanding of the situation. Without answers to their questions, they convince themselves that the answers must all be bad; otherwise why wouldn‘t they be told what they want to know. They feel they‘re being treated like a child, and they resent it.

"If the information didn‘t exist, it wouldn‘t be so frustrating and demeaning. But they know their partner has it, and simply refuses to give it to them. This makes a balance of power in the relationship impossible... It‘s doubtful if trust can ever be restored in a relationship where this persists.

"I remember how tough it was on my husband when I continually asked more and more questions. Intellectually, I wanted to move on and get over it, but emotionally I needed the ongoing support and understanding he gave me. It was extremely important that he never said, "enough is enough, let‘s get on with our lives." Of course, nobody would choose to go through the thousands of hours of talking about this if there were some other way. In my own case, I think it was an essential part of overcoming my feelings and finding peace of mind."

(end of excerpt from "The Monogamy Myth")

While I have consistently heard this same thing from thousands of people during the past 20 years, there‘s still a great reluctance on the part of those who have had affairs to answer questions and to continue talking about the whole situation. Unfortunately, there has also been a large segment of the therapeutic community that has reinforced the idea that too many questions and too much talking is not for the best.

I now have statistical data that demonstrates the connection between honest communication and both staying married and recovering. I have posted some results from my Research Questionnaire that may help people see the importance of respecting this "need to know."

While it‘s important to get answers to your questions IF you ask questions, this does NOT mean you "should" ask questions unless/until you really want to know. It‘s just that it‘s essential to get answers if you DO ask.

While for most people, "getting answers to your questions" is a key ingredient in rebuilding the trust and building a strong marriage, no one should be forced to hear things they don‘t want to hear. But if they DO want to hear details, they deserve to have their questions answered. It‘s the WILLINGNESS of the partner to answer questions that is so critical, not whether or not you ASK for the answers.

So each person needs to decide for themselves the timing of when/what/how much they want to know. (It‘s important to determine that you really want the truth, and are not just hoping for some kind of reassurance or disclaimers.) For most people, "not knowing" is worst of all - because their imagination fills in the blanks and the wondering never ceases.

Joseph‘s Letter

I want to share a beautiful example of a letter one man wrote in his effort to get his wife to answer his questions. This was originally posted on my BAN Message Board before it was closed. While I didn‘t keep any of the messages posted on that board, this was so exceptional that I got Joseph‘s permission to include it in "Peggy‘s Forum" so it could continue to be accessed by people who didn‘t read his original posting.

So I‘m including it here as a clear statement of the "need to know," as well as a clear explanation of why you ask the questions:

"To Whomever,

"I know you are feeling the pain of guilt and confusion. I understand that you wish all this never happened and that you wish it would just go away. I can even believe that you truly love me and that your indiscretion hurts you emotionally much the same way it hurts me. I understand your apprehension to me discovering little by little, everything that led up to your indiscretion, everything that happened that night, and everything that happened afterwards. I understand. No one wants to have a mistake or misjudgment thrown in his or her face repeatedly. No one wants to be forced to "look" at the thing that caused all their pain over and over again. I can actually see, that through your eyes, you are viewing this whole thing as something that just needs to go away, something that is over, that he/she doesn‘t mean anything to you, so why is it such a big issue? I can understand you wondering why I torture myself with this continuously, and thinking, doesn‘t he/she know by now that I love him/her? I can see how you can feel this way and how frustrating it must be. But for the remainder of this letter I‘m going to ask you to view my reality through my eyes.

"You were there. There is no detail left out from your point of view. Like a puzzle, you have all the pieces and you are able to reconstruct them and be able to understand the whole picture, the whole message, or the whole meaning. You know exactly what that picture is and what it means to you and if it can effect your life and whether or not it continues to stir your feelings. You have the pieces, the tools, and the knowledge. You can move through your life with 100% of the picture you compiled. If you have any doubts, then at least you‘re carrying all the information in your mind and you can use it to derive conclusions or answers to your doubts or question. You carry all the "STUFF" to figure out OUR reality. There isn‘t really any information, or pieces to the puzzle that you don‘t have.

"Now let‘s enter my reality. Let‘s both agree that this affects our lives equally. The outcome no matter what it is well affect us both. Our future and our present circumstances are every bit as important to me as it is to you. So, why then is it okay for me to be left in the dark? Do I not deserve to know as much about the night that nearly destroyed our relationship as you do? Just like you, I am also able to discern the meaning of certain particulars and innuendoes of that night and just like you, I deserve to be given the opportunity to understand what nearly brought our relationship down. To assume that I can move forward and accept everything at face value is unrealistic and unless we stop thinking unrealistically I doubt our lives well ever "feel" complete. You have given me a puzzle. It is a 1000 piece puzzle and 400 random pieces are missing. You expect me to assemble the puzzle without the benefit of looking at the picture on the box. You expect me to be able to discern what I am looking at and to appreciate it in the same context as you. You want me to be as comfortable with what I see in the picture as you are. When I ask if there was a tree in such and such area of the picture you tell me don‘t worry about it, it‘s not important. When I ask whether there were any animals in my puzzle you say don‘t worry about it, it‘s not important. When I ask if there was a lake in that big empty spot in my puzzle you say, what‘s the difference, it‘s not important. Then later when I‘m expected to "understand" the picture in my puzzle you fail to understand my disorientation and confusion. You expect me to feel the same way about the picture as you do but deny me the same view as you. When I express this problem you feel compelled to admonish me for not understanding it, for not seeing it the way you see it. You wonder why I can‘t just accept whatever you chose to describe to me about the picture and then be able to feel the same way you feel about it.

"So, you want me to be okay with everything. You think you deserve to know and I deserve to wonder. You may honestly feel that the whole picture, everything that happened is insignificant because in your heart you know it was a mistake and wish it never happened. But how can I know that? Faith? Because you told me so? Would you have faith if the tables were turned? Don‘t you understand that I want to believe you completely? But how can I? I can never know what is truly in your mind and heart. I can only observe you actions, and what information I have acquired and slowly, over time rebuild my faith in your feelings. I truly wish it were easier.

"So, there it is, as best as I can put it. That is why I ask questions. That is where my need to know is derived from. And that is why it is unfair for you to think that we can effectively move forward and unfair for you to accuse me of dwelling on the past. My need to know stems from my desire to hold our world together. It doesn‘t come from jealousy, it doesn‘t come from spitefulness, and it doesn‘t come from a desire to make you suffer. It comes from the fact that I love you. Why else would I put myself through this? Wouldn‘t it be easier for me to walk away? Wouldn‘t it be easier to consider our relationship a bad mistake in my life and to move on to better horizons? Of course it would, but I can‘t and the reason I can‘t is because I love you and that reason in itself makes all the difference in the world."

(end of Joseph‘s Letter)

The Importance of Reinforcing the Honesty

While it‘s understandable that the focus is almost exclusively on "getting answers," the key to whether or not there is a continuation of getting answers depends in large part on how you react to hearing the answers you do get. While it may not seem "fair," one who asks for details has a responsibility to hear them in a way that doesn‘t punish the partner for doing what they‘ve asked them to do. (This is not a matter of it being "wrong" to punish the partner; it‘s simply not "smart" to immediately punish someone for being honest, despite the potential pain from the honesty, because it means the honesty will be unlikely to continue.)

Here‘s another excerpt from the "The Monogamy Myth" that points out how important it is for the person who asks for answers to react in a way that Reinforces the Honesty:

"The ability to succeed in dealing honestly with an affair does not depend solely on the attitude and behavior of the one who had the affair. Their partner‘s reaction is critical because it serves either to reinforce honesty or to discourage it. Honesty about affairs comes in stages. First, there is the admission that it happened, then the many details that contribute to seeing the whole picture. A partner‘s reaction to the initial fact of the affair has a lot to do with the willingness of the person who had an affair to share any of the details.

"A person who discovers their mate‘s affair usually feels justified in venting their feelings of hurt and anger. While they certainly have a right to those feelings, they need to recognize that punishing their mate for telling the truth will almost surely put an end to any further honesty. So while it may seem unfair, it‘s in their own best interest to try to reinforce whatever honesty is received if there is to be much hope for the honesty continuing.

"Supporting a partner‘s honesty often takes enormous patience. One man said he felt his effort to get his wife to open up and talk was like peeling an onion, with each skin coming off very hard. He continued to encourage her and to show his appreciation for her efforts to be honest, so she finally became convinced it was safe to tell him the truth. It took a long time, but they were able to stay together and develop a relationship that was closer than it had been prior to the affair.

"In another case, a man told of the terrible price his wife paid for being honest with him about her affair. By his own admission, he lashed out at her to try to hurt her back. She decided she had made a mistake by being honest about her affair and became afraid to tell him anything else. But she hung in without trying to defend herself against his constant barrage of criticism. Finally, he came to realize that she must love him very much to tolerate all he had put her through. He felt thankful she hadn‘t left, and began trying to make up for the damage that had been done.

"This can be quite a challenge for the person who asks for honesty--to avoid punishing their partner for telling them what they want to know. It‘s understandable that a person feels badly about some of the information they receive, but this can be balanced by feeling good about their partner‘s honesty. This was my experience, feeling so positive about James‘ honesty in answering everything I asked him that it diminished the pain of what he had to say. This kind of honest communication is important, not only in dealing with what has happened, but in determining the nature of the relationship in the future."

(end of excerpt from The Monogamy Myth)

While the initial emotional reaction to the third party may be unavoidable, it‘s worth working to fight back against those emotions by working hard at thinking more clearly about this issue. The best way to deal with all those painful feelings (and the incredible emotional toll they take) is to remind yourself (over and over and over again) to THINK more clearly - in order to defuse the strong feelings that simply drain away energy better spent in other aspects of recovery.

The emotions don‘t just "go away" one day all by themselves. Since they come "involuntarily," it calls for making a "voluntary," deliberate effort to counteract them with clear thinking. It‘s a gradual process of replacing the strong emotions with more understanding of the whole situation - so you can eventually be in control of your emotions instead of them being in control of you.

It really saddens me to see so much pain and agony over the third party - because that gives them more power and attention than is warranted. The third party is primarily fulfilling a "role." The main difference between the spouse and the third party is that one has the role of "spouse" (with all the familiarity and responsibility involved in that role) - while the other has the role of "third party" (with all the newness and freedom involved in that role).

Personally, when I finally understood this for myself, I could step back and recognize that if my husband had been married to one of the women with whom he had an affair, he might very well have wanted to have an affair with ME - because then I would be in the role of being "new" and representing freedom rather than responsibility.

Fire Chief Caught ‘on the lamb‘

The following are sayings that we would like our sex partners to write on the blackboard 100 times...

• If I am inadequate in one area, I will compensate in others.
• I will pay attention to my partner‘s responses and move on to something different at the slightest sign of revulsion.
• I will not leave my socks on; it still counts.
• I will not vomit on my partner‘s private parts.
• Personal hygiene is good.
• Spitting is bad.
• Little pieces of toilet paper are neither a fashion statement nor a turn-on.
• I will not laugh at noises caused by friction.
• I will not smack my partner in the nose, accidentally or otherwise.
• I will not lay on my partner‘s hair.
• I will not tell my partner I wish she was more aggressive sexually, when I‘m always being bossy in bed.
• I will not limit my tongue‘s entire repetoire to simply thrusting stiffly (or limply) into my partner‘s mouth.
• I will be careful with my teeth.
• I will not comment on my partner‘s weight ever, in bed or otherwise.
• I will be careful with my fingernails.
• I will pay attention.
• I will not let my partner down by abruptly stopping what was just about to make her very happy.
• I will be careful with my jewellry.
• I will wash beneath my foreskin. Daily.
• I will not expect my partner to have the flexibility of a gymnast, when I can‘t even touch my toes.
• I will remember to bring condoms, lube, and spermicide.
• I will practise putting on condoms so that I don‘t totally spoil the moment with unskilled ineptitude.
• "Ouch" does not mean "ooh baby, do that again".
• I will not make her sleep on the wet spot.
• I will not attempt to suck my partner‘s tongue out of her head.
• I will not be so focussed on my "performance" that I will forget to have fun and enjoy myself too.
• I will not make fun of noises my partner makes in the heat of the moment.
• Having staying power is a good thing; doing the same thing for an hour is not.
• I will not say "This will only take a minute" or "This won‘t hurt a bit" as it will only make my partner nervous.
• I will not eat food with a lot of garlic in it beforehand, unless my partner does too.
• I will throw away my own condom.
• I will not stop to answer the phone, the door, or my pager.
• "No" does not mean "yes" or "maybe", nor is it a come-on line.

In attempting to warn women against the danger, many rape crisis centers proclaim "all men are potential rapists." What a horrible way to live. Who wants to go through life in fear of one half of the human race? Much less believe this about those we love and are intimate with.

The idea behind any learning should be to improve the quality of life, not degrade it. To this end, let�s leave the wild paranoia of �possible� rape scenarios and move onto the more solid footing of �probable� and �very likely� - and what you can do about it.

Someone rightly said, "Dishonest people are seldom dishonest in only one aspect of their lives." In the same vein, the predilections that can, and do, lead to rape are not isolated. They tend to permeate a person�s character and be regularly displayed in many small ways and in other areas. These attitudes, behaviors and words are consistent among rapists and those who attack others. And IF you are willing to look, they are easy to spot.

The reason it is impossible to predict who will and won�t sexually assault someone is because how these behaviors manifest is a matter of style and preference. One person might choose to be blatant and habitually physically attack others, while another might be more subtle but verbally attack others on a regular basis. The motives are the same, but the style is utterly different. And that is why it is hard to predict who will and won�t use sexual assault.

What we can accurately predict is something bad will arise out of these character traits, the When, Where and How are impossible to predetermine.

If you see these behaviors in a person, take care. The more you see, the more care should be taken not to be alone him. Even if he doesn�t rape, these behaviors indicate serious character flaws.

Danger signs

1) Insensitivity for others/emphasis on self - Does this person put his wants above the needs, feelings or well being of others? Is getting his way more important to him than other people�s welfare? Often this can go beyond mere selfishness and border nearly on an "assumed divine right." Often these people will justify a particularly vicious action with a flip comment like, "Hey, that�s how the game is played." Such a person has no understanding that he must co-exist with others. Because he simply exists he thinks the world "owes" him whatever he wants. A common tactic of such a person it to make you feel bad for not doing what he wants.

2) Belittling behavior or attitudes towards others - Does this person habitually make nasty, belittling or degrading comments about others � especially under the guise of joking? Does this person think he is better than others? Does he look down on others? A nouveau riche aristocrat? Is he a racist? A person who thinks that race or social position makes him superior can also assume gender does too. When you think you are superior, an assumed right to �take� what you want often follows.

3) Negating behavior or comments - Closely related to 1 and 2. Does he try to tell you what you are feeling or thinking? Or worse, tell you what you are not? Comments like "you don�t really mean that" are serious indicators of someone trying to negate you. A person who negates others is trying to take away the other person�s thoughts, feelings and needs and attempting to project his wants onto that person. The most obvious example of this is "Well even though she said �no�, she really meant �yes�".

4) Hostile and/or threatening language - What words does a person use? Choice of words convey subconscious assumptions about a particular topic. For example a man who generically refers to women as "bitches" does not have good assumptions about females (or much respect). It is all too easy to dismiss this behavior as just "blowing off steam." But if it is a constant behavior, it goes far beyond that. Someone who habitually uses violent or threatening language should be carefully watched for possible escalation. It�s on his mind already. It�s a uncomfortably short step from �thinking about� to �doing�.

5) Bullying - This behavior is especially dangerous. Does this person use overt or subtle threats to get his way? A bully uses the threat of violence more than actual violence. Most often bullies are not willing to risk conflict with someone who can hurt them (an alpha male), and will instead chose to intimidate someone he considers weaker and safer. Someone who is bullying over other matters can easily turn to bullying you regarding sex.

6) Excessive anger - How easy does this person anger? Is he a "Short Fuse"? Does he boil over at the slightest problem? This is an indication of chronic anger. A person who explodes over a minor issue is like a full pot boiling over on the stove. It�s not that the issue is all that important, but that he has so much anger already, any more causes him to explode. Often people with chronic anger look for targets to vent their anger at. This could manifest as physical fights, abuse, or rape.

7) Brooding/ revenge - Does this person hang onto his anger long after the situation is over? Will he still be stewing over something while everyone else has moved onto other things? Will he become anti-social and glare at the source of his anger from across the room? Will he insist on taking revenge for real or imagined slights? Both indicate a petty and obsessive personality. A brooder fixates on something and then works himself into a frenzy over it. A person who seeks revenge "has to win" and is willing to take it to extremes. Refusing such a person�s sexual advances can turn this tendency towards you.

8) Obsession � This is a close cousin to number seven. It is a major factor with acquaintance rapes. This is the person who won�t leave you alone. He insists on �hitting on you� long after you have told him no. He is always trying establish forced intimacy (see �bonding process� below). Such obsessions easily turn into anger when his advances are rejected. One day he shows up in a fringe area, drunk and attacks.

9) Extreme mood swings - Beware someone who can go from wildly happy to deeply wounded at a moment�s notice. This sort of personality can feel justified to commit an unlimited amount of violence and damage, because you "hurt his feelings." This is a common pattern among those with chronic anger about life.

10) Physical tantrums - How does this person get angry? Especially when denied "getting his way". Beware of a person who regularly physically assaults his environment i.e. hitting walls, kicking things etc. It is only a short step from striking a car to attacking you.

11) Jock or gorilla mentality - This mentality promotes both acceptance and encouragement for the use of violence. It is especially common among participants of contact sports. What is most insidious about this mentality is the "jock" receives, not only positive reinforcement, but out-and-out applause for being aggressive and violent. This can easily lead to a failure to differentiate between the playing field and real life. Mike Tyson�s comment is a prime example: "Nobody ever objected before."

12) A mean drunk - Nearly all rape and abuse cases involve alcohol. Watch what surfaces when someone is intoxicated. It shows what is always lurking underneath. Do not put yourself into a situation where you would deal with such a person while he is intoxicated. Most importantly, don�t allow your facilities to be diminished by alcohol or drugs in this person�s presence.

13) Alcohol or drug abuse - To begin with drug and alcohol addiction can in be traced back to selfishness and a refusal to change one�s world view. Alcohol and drugs are not the cause of bad behavior, rather they are used as an excuse! Often the attacker intentionally became intoxicated to ignore the social restrictions and inhibitions regarding violence.

While there are others, these behaviors are serious indicators of a potential rapist. This short list should acquaint you with the basics. Not all men are rapists, but a person like this has a higher probability than others. You not only find these traits among rapists and abusers, but also professional criminals. Philosophically there is little difference between such, they are all selfish. Most often it is just a matter of degrees, style and choice of victims.

One Saturday morning our college-aged daughter, who had come back for a visit, mentioned she was dating someone who had been convicted of sexual assault. Marc tried to mask his immediate reaction by taking a sip of coffee. What nearly caused a caffinated spraying of the room was her follow up comment "But it�s okay, he explained to me what happened and it wasn�t his fault."

Of course it wasn�t his fault...and while we�re at it, let�s free everybody in prison because they are innocent - and they will tell you that too.

When we mentioned the possibility that he probably lied about, or at the very least spindoctored, his version of events she proudly told us that "she had checked it out" -- by asking his best friend. She then proceeded to tell us a long litany of behavior that was bordering on stalking. We told her to drop him faster than an annoyed scorpion.

What was most disturbing was her outrage at our reaction. Why were we getting so upset, she knew �what she was doing� and �she could take care of herself.� This kind of gullibility born of both willful ignorance and arrogance is what leads people into danger. And she had a double-dose of both.

Fortunately, she broke it off with him shortly after returning to school, so nothing bad ever occurred. She was able to "flitterygibbit" off to other things convinced that mom and dad were once again over-reacting and being paranoid. She is, unfortunately, our risk taker. She insists on regularly putting herself into situations like that.

We mention this story because there is an old saying: You can�t cheat an honest man. If you don�t have much experience with the underbelly of life, that comment doesn�t seem to make sense. But it is very true. That is because most swindles rely on the mark�s greed. It is the person who is avaricely trying to get a ludicrously low price or an unrealistic high return who is going to get hustled. Whereas an honest person knows this isn�t right. You don�t get those kind of prices and returns in legitimate business. If someone is offering them, then something is wrong. And yet because of greed, the mark proceeds with the deal.

In the same vein, a smooth talking individual can only convince you of something if you want to believe what he is saying. And the more you want to believe the less convincing he will have to do. (In the case of sociopaths and narcissists, the verbal manipulation & brainwashing can con even the smartest & savviest of us)

The reason for this side trip into the nature of con artists is to acquaint you with the fact that many rapists will attempt to mask, justify, make light of, or explain away the dangerous behaviors that we have mentioned. How they will do this is totally unpredictable at this time -- as it depends on the individual and his opinion and assessment of you. Know right now however, that he will tailor his response to what he thinks will work best with you. So it is going to sound real convincing when it comes your way.

Having said that however, there are several common tactics. The first is to make light of it. To claim that he was just joking about a verbal attack. To "blow off" a significant event with a flip or short comment as though it didn�t matter.

Another common dodge is to minimize others by focusing on him. He was justified in doing what he did because his emotions were hurt or because the other person did something to him first.

Bullying is often common. The subject is closed because it angers or upsets him.

Or they will have a long and elaborate story how it really wasn�t their fault. These stories however, while tending to have great depths in some areas are prone to be as shallow as a puddle in a parking lot when it comes to their involvement. Not about what they did or what they were feeling - those are in depth areas - but rather why they chose a course of action that they knew was wrong. That will be quickly glazed over. Unfortunately this subject has massive influence on everything else they are telling you. But if they can baffle you with BS about other details, you won�t notice that this issue is prominently lacking in their story.

It is not uncommon for them to try to turn it around onto you. Your reaction to their action is wrong : That is what they will try to convince you. You are being narrow-minded and mean spirited. Don�t you know it was just a joke? How can you be so unforgiving to hold him accountable for something that wasn�t his fault. Or a very common one, how can you be so unreasonable, look how reasonable about this he is trying to be.

No matter what tactic someone takes there is always a core fortification of "me" that is involved in his arguments. It is hard to describe, but once you have learned how to recognize it, it is always there. This fortification is never touched. It is always talked around or quickly skipped over. And that area that is never addressed is accepting personal responsibility for one�s actions.

Another issue that is never mentioned is their responsibility to interact with others on an equal basis. It is always how other people are affecting them. Or how much they have done and how hard they have tried to make things work. There is no recognition that their words or actions might have affected someone just as, if not deeper than they themselves were effected.

If you can remove your emotional involvement from the equation, you will clearly see how people attempt to hide these behaviors . But before you can remove your emotional investment you must critically review your motives. What are you getting out of the situation? What do you expect to get out of the situation? What are you afraid of losing if you were to allow yourself to see this behavior and recognize its significance?

With our daughter, it was that this man was from a well to do family and spent money on her. He would take her out, buy her entertainment, dinner, drinks and gifts. Which for a �broke� college student is very appealing. Because she was benefiting from the association, she chose to ignore the danger signals and accept a shallow and biased explanation of past events. It wasn�t until his obsessive behavior became annoying to her that she decided that the profit wasn�t worth the pain.

The great rabbinical scholar Hillel is supposed to have been woken up in the middle of the night by a skeptic. The skeptic demanded Hillel explain the whole of the Torah in ten words or less. He replied "What is hateful unto you, do not do unto others -- the rest is commentary" and then Hillel rolled over and went back to sleep.

Rapists and abusers tend to be very selfish people. While there is a chance of a rape occurring because an otherwise "nice guy" makes a bad and selfish decision, this is an exception rather than the rule. Usually people who rape others have long shown a consistent pattern of attitude and behavior. The sexual assault is another, albeit more extreme, manifestation of this kind of mindset.

This however brings up an interesting point. Bad behavior tends to be tolerated only by people who are expecting you to tolerate theirs.

If you are engaged in selfish behavior, you will eventually find yourself surrounded only by other selfish people. This shift is gradual and oft times not noticed by the individual. Once you start down this road, it becomes a matter of degrees - who is more selfish. And when that happens it is not a question of "if" bad things will happen but rather "when?"

If you see these warning signs we have talked about her, do not choose to ignore them. Do not minimize them. Do not assume that you can control the situation. That is an assumption of omnipotence. You cannot control other human being and the assumption you can is pure arrogance.

The best thing you can do is to get these kind of individuals out of your life. If you look around and recognize this behavior in ALL of your friends, then it is time to sit down and do a critical reassessment of your own behavior.

These danger signals are real as are the tactics we have discussed. Care should be taken when dealing with someone who exhibits them. Do not put yourself in a situation where such a person could successfully use violence. Literally, do not go off alone with such a person � especially if alcohol or drugs are involved.

Incidentally, many of these behaviors are shared with those who turn into abusive husbands and boyfriends. These are the seeds of that kind of behavior, but it won�t be until you are involved that abuse will manifest. This is another reason to avoid becoming involved with a person who displays these early signs.

To a greater or lesser degree, you can see these danger signals in many people you know. Do not ignore or rationalize these behaviors, especially if you see a significant number of them. Don�t make the mistake, as great many young women do, that because such a person hasn�t attacked you, he won�t. A shark is a shark whether he is peacefully swimming or attacking. Just because you haven�t been attacked, doesn�t mean he can�t or won�t. You either haven�t had anything he wants or you haven�t been in a situation with him where he could successfully act.

Every month I receive a number of emails from both men and women who are concerned that they may be abusive towards their partner. You may have read through Domestic Abuse sites and recognised yourself in some of the pages, or your partner may have told you that your behaviour towards her/him is abusive and told you how much you hurt and upset them.

If you are not quite sure whether your actions could be considered abusive or not, read through the Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality and search your heart. Are any of those actions or attitudes ones you tend towards? You may also find it helpful to read the article by John Stibbs on healthy and unhealthy relationships: Emotional Boundaries. Does your relationship tend more towards a healthy or an unhealthy one?

Maybe you could ask yourself some of the following questions:

• would you treat your boss, mate or next-door-neighbour the same way as you do your partner?
• if someone else were treating your daughter, son, brother, sister or friend the same way as you treat your partner, would you consider it okay or not?
• has your partner told you that your behaviour is unreasonable or abusive?
• has your partner either left you or threatened to leave you if you don‘t stop being nasty to her/him?
• have previous relationships gone to the wall due to your behaviour?

If you have answered NO to either of the first questions, and YES to any of the last three, then the chances are pretty high that you are abusive towards your partner.

On taking Responsibility

First of all, if you have realised that some of your actions and attitudes towards your partner may be abusive, you have already made a very important step toward change and being able to enjoy a mutually beneficial relationship. Well done! It is difficult and painful to realise that you may be hurting someone you love, but it is the first step towards change.

The only person who can make a difference is YOU! One of the main problems with repeat abusers and perpetrators is denial of the abusive nature of their actions and attitudes, and denial of any ‘real‘ effect on their victims. Acknowledging to ourselves that we have a problem, or that we are hurting someone we love is very, very difficult and painful, and many people can never quite admit it to themselves.

A lot of abusive behaviours are ingrained, they may have been part of your personality and coping mechanism since childhood, and they are difficult not just to recognise, but also to crack. Nobody else can do that for you, you have to take responsibility for your actions yourself - fully. This means recognising when you are saying something hurtful or doing something harmful to your partner; learning to recognise your reactions within yourself, how you feel when you get wound up, how you feel after an abusive episode; the thoughts and excuses you make to yourself to allow you to deny you are really doing anything wrong. Ask yourself some of these questions:

• do you regularly vent your frustration on your partner?
• do you tell yourself that your partner is overreacting to ‘being told off‘?
• do you tell your partner they are ‘making a fuss about nothing‘ or ‘making a mountain out of molehill‘?
• do you tell yourself what you do is not that bad, so-and-so would be far worse?
• do you think that if your partner just didn‘t ‘wind you up on purpose‘ then the abuse would not happen?
• do you tell yourself that your partner deserved the abuse, coz they are not perfect either?
• do you tell yourself that coz you only get nasty when you are drunk, it isn‘t really the same as if you were really abusive?

If you answered YES to any of the above, you may still not be taking full responsibility for your actions. It may be a good idea to discuss the abuse, your feelings about it and attitudes towards your partner with a third person, preferably someone not involved with either of you, such as a counsellor or helpline volunteer.

There are several Perpetrator Programs - call a Domestic Violence Center near you and ask for a referral to one.

If you are facing prosecution for violence towards your partner, the Court has got the option of referring you to such programmes, and there are further programmes organised and run by the Probation service - though these do not usually take self-referals. Attendance at one of these will often be included if you are on probation.

If violence has been, and especially if it currently still is an issue in your relationship, then Couples Counselling is not recommended.

Nor is Mediation if you are going through separation or divorce.

Basically the abuse itself has to be dealt with BEFORE any form of joint counselling or mediation can be effective, and in the meantime can, at best, deflect from the actual problem and fudge responsibility issues.

In the past Anger Management courses have been recommended for abusers, especially men who have been violent towards their wives or female partners. However, more and more research seems to be indicating that such courses are not effective in dealing with abusive behaviour as such, as abuse is less about being able to control anger, and more about basic attitudes and control issues. In short, anger management may be part of the problem, but is usually not either the main problem or the root cause of Domestic Abuse.

Will getting help ‘save‘ my relationship?

It may, or it may not. Often by the time the perpetrator realises he or she has a problem, too much has already happened and the trust cannot be rebuilt. Sadly a lot of men will refer themselves to perpetrator programmes in a bid to stop their partner from leaving or even in a bid to persuade her to come back and give it another try. If you are seeking help with the sole intention or keeping or regaining a partner who has decided to leave due to your abuse, then you are probably approaching it with the wrong motives - more as a tool to get or keep what you want than as a necessary change in yourself.

Perpetrator programmes or counselling can really only help if YOU want to change. You may have to accept that due to your behaviour you have lost the person you love, but at the very least you can try to ensure that you do not cause more pain and hurt to the next person you get involved in.

Other issues to bear in mind

Alcohol or Drug abuse. Frequently Domestic Violence is related to alcohol or drug abuse. It is easy to turn around and ‘blame‘ the drink for the abuse, telling yourself that you really don‘t want to be nasty, but that when you are drunk, you just don‘t realise what you are doing. I am sorry, but this in itself is another form of denial and blame-shifting. If you know that you get violent or nasty when you drink, or that there is a risk that you will, why do you continue drinking, and putting your partner at risk? If you are serious about wanting to change your abusive tendencies, then the first thing you will do is deal with your alcohol or drug addiction, and then you will be free to deal with the underlying issues within yourself which ‘allow‘ you to turn violent or nasty while either drunk or on drugs.

Survivors of childhood abuse. A percentage of abusers were victims of childhood abuse themselves. If you are one of them, know that it is not uncommon to internalise and in some way ‘act out‘ the abuse you experienced in later in life on other people. There is help for you, and you would probably benefit from counselling to help you come to terms with your own experiences as a child and understand how they have affected you throughout your life and in respect of your relationships. Often there are a lot of suppressed feelings of anger, betrayal and pain which may in part be an underlying issue in the abuse you perpetrate on others. There are loads of support groups and counsellors qualified to help (check out the internet search engines or directories where many other websites deal with this issue in very adequately).

Taking time out. One tactic or coping mechanism that many abusers have learned to use effectively is ‘taking time out‘. This basically involves recognising when you are reaching the point at which you are likely to become abusive, and literally removing yourself. You may go for a walk, go into another room or go down the garden and do some weeding. The important thing is to remove yourself ‘from the boil‘, take time out, and learn to calm down again. Obviously it would be a good idea to tell your partner you intend ‘taking time out‘ before the event occurs - or they may be left wondering what you are doing! It is not suggested that you use this coping tactic instead of counselling, but simply that many have found it helpful in avoiding abusive actions and making themselves more aware of what they are feeling and thinking.

http://www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/Abuser/abusive_help.htm

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Simply put, that something more is sex.

We crave. We need. We long for that something more from our relationships.

The seeds of lust and sexuality lay ready to burst within us; barely able to contain our desires. We want to be able to feel the sexiness, to satisfy our insatiable hunger, and to act out upon our deepest sexual desires.

Sounds pretty good, doesn�t it?

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If there was only just a way to make the woman in your life love sex that much more�

If there was only just a way to make her want sex as much as you do�

If only there was a way to�hmmm�have her become sexually addicted to you?

Yes, that�s it! If she was sexually addicted to you, you both could live the sexually fulfilling life that you�ve always dreamed of.

 But, could that ever happen? Her becoming sexually addicted to me?

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You can�t afford not to take a look at this book. If you learn this book; practice this book; it�s your guaranteed key to opening the door to her sexual addiction�the one addiction that�s great to have!

Take a look at just a few of the incredible things you�ll learn in this must-have book:

• Learn how to make women sexually addicted to you for life. (page 8)
• Find out the 3 Must Have parts to a great sexual relationship. (page 9)
• Uncover the secrets of exactly what you need to do to achieve her sexual addiction. (page 14)
• Discover a technique that will make a kiss as good as sex. (page 36)
• Learn how to avoid power plays and other negative relationship dynamics. (page 15)
• Uncover the truth about what lies behind a woman�s doors of sexuality. (page 29)
• Find out exactly how you can make the �honeymoon period� of amazing sex last a lifetime. (page 16)
• Discover exactly how to get from �hello� to �I can�t get enough of you.� (page 14)
• Learn how to break that Rule of Diminishing Passion. (page 16)
• Find out exactly what you need to do to �unlock her door� of passion every time. (page 25)
• Find out exactly what you need to do to enter her for maximum pleasure. (page 43)
• Find out how to get women to attend to your every lust-filled need and pleasure. (page 12)
• Discover exactly how to seduce, stimulate, and sex women perfectly every time so they keep coming back from more. (page 26)
• Learn how to get that �something more� from your sexual relationships. (page 6)
• Find out how to make her want sex as much as you do. (page 7)
• Discover exactly what you need to do to get women to love fellatio. (page 46)
• Find out how to open the door to a woman�s truest sexual fantasies. (page 13)
• Discover how getting exactly what you want in the bedroom is as easy as 1, 2, 3. (page 47)
• Learn how to get women orgasmically addicted to you. (page 42)
• Uncover the secrets of how to create an aura of sexual desirability around yourself. (page 19)
• Find out how to satisfy your every sexual desire, craving, and fantasy whenever you want. (page 7)

And, if that�s not enough, you will learn guaranteed ways to seduce women, heighten orgasms, and have your every sexual desire satisfied whenever you want. And, how are you going to do this?

If you�re like most people, you�re probably wondering how any addiction could ever be a good thing. You probably like the idea of feeling irresistible to women, but are wondering if �addiction� doesn�t have some kind of negative connotation. You�re probably asking yourself � Can�t people only be addicted to bad things?�

You are going to discover how to become the object of women�s addiction by learning what it takes to become irresistible. And, that�s the definition of addiction, isn�t it? When a person can�t help themselves but to indulge in a pleasure, addiction sets in. When it�s something like smoking, drinking, or gambling, addiction can have all manner of health or negative monetary implications. However, when you become the object of her addiction, you are actually allowing your life to become more balanced and healthier.

Women will crave you just like an addict does a stimulant. In a physical sense, you will become her �drug� and everything about you�your scent, your skin, your body, your movements, everything�will tantalize and tempt her.  

She will constantly crave and need you to feed her high . On a psychological plane, she will feel that you and you alone can serve as her fix. Without you, she is lost and no other pleasuring will satisfy her in the same way as you do.

Imagine that for a moment if you will. Imagine being the �drug� that sends women into ecstasy and sexual bliss. That�s your goal and that�s your prize. Both attainable. Both soon to be yours when you start reading the Secrets of How to Make a Woman Sexually Addicted to You.

Here are just a few more of the secrets that you�ll learn within this revolutionary new book:

• Learn how to make most any woman multi-orgasmic. (page 44)
• Discover how one simple choice can mean the difference between humdrum or out-of-this-world sex. (page 17)
• Find out how to solidify yourself as the object of her sexual addiction. (page 30)
• Learn how to make the woman in your life love sex that much more. (page 7)
• Discover how couples in long-term relationships can reignite passion. (page 16)
• Find out how to turn �maybe� into �Yes� every time. (page 47)
• Learn how to read a woman�s Levels of Sexual Arousal to assure great sex every time. (page 26)
• Discover an orgasm-winning alternative to the Wham-Bam-Thank You, M�am approach to sex. (page 19)
• Find out how to turn a woman on even more as you please yourself. (page 28)
• Learn how to read a woman�s Signs of Total Arousal. (page 43)
• Discover how to become so overpoweringly irresistible to her that you�ll never want for sex again. (page 12)
• Find out how you can leave boring orgasms behind forever. (page 53)
• Learn how to speak in �sexual shorthand� to instigate sexual experiences whenever you desire. (page 45)
• Discover how you can � ruin her for all other men� and become the focus of all of her sensual desires and thoughts. (page 42)
• Find out how you can utilize a woman�s power to fuel her own addiction for you (page 21)
• Learn how to use the law of attraction for unlimited sexual benefits. (page 15)
• Discover how you can bring a woman to climax without ever touching her below the neck. (page 27)
• Discover how you can have sex for hours on end without stopping! (page 32)Find out the 4 Can�t Miss steps to the perfect kiss. (page 37)
• Find out the hidden techniques to speed up a woman�s arousal. (page 40)
• Learn how you can become more irresistible to women than you ever imagined. (page 25)
• Discover the #1 thing you can do with women to assure great sex. (page 52)
• Understand the step-by-step process that is sure to get you laid. (page 40)
• Learn secrets to sexual gratification that might even surprise you. (page 17)
• Discover the 11 underlying principles you�ll need to understand to guarantee you�ll become the object of her addiction. (page 12)
• Find out the one secret that will make women do anything to have your touch her, to enter her, to make love to her. (page 27)
• Learn sexual mathematics�unlike anything you learned in grade school.
• Discover the 5 best techniques to �doing it right.� (page 43)
• Find out the secrets to keeping her addicted to you. (page 50)
• Learn the �Sex Killing� mistake that most men make over and over again. (page 18)
• Discover the key to unleashing a firestorm of sexuality and passion and sexuality. (page 28)
• Find out what one reward is even better than sex. (page 15)
• Learn the 3 tastiest techniques to total satisfaction. (page 34)
• Discover the one difference between men and women that will change your sex life forever. (page 17)
• Find out what you need to do to have a woman fulfill your deepest sexual desires. (page 45)
• Learn exactly why addiction really works to hook women on you for life. (page 49)
• Discover the one thing that can make intercourse hotter than you ever imagined. (page 41)
• Learn the difference between the right and wrong ways to kiss. (page 36)
• Discover why showing patience may be the best thing you�ve ever done in your life. (page 30)
• Find out why her sexual addiction �does a body good.� (page 24)

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With lessons like the following, you can�t afford not to take a closer look at this incredible new book:

• Learn the one conclusion you can NEVER make if you want to keep up the fun between the sheets. (page 26)
• Discover why a simple change in thinking about sex will get her addicted. (page 33)
• Find out why it�s important to start thinking about sex in terms of hours and days, rather than minutes. (page 32)
• Uncover the truth about women�s body that will simply shock you! (page 20)
• Learn the one secret that all women want you to know. (page 27)
• Discover why a focus on sex is good for you. (page 10)
• Uncover the reasons why �Motion is the Potion.� (page 43)
• Learn about the one �drug� that sends women into ecstasy and sexual bliss every time. (page 24)
• Learn exactly what an amazing, mind-blowing orgasm requires. (page 53)
• Uncover the step-by-step guide that shows you how to sexually devastate any woman with your touch and technique. (page 27)
• Discover the steps to giving women explosive orgasms every time. (page 53)
• Discover the shocking truth about women and pornography. (page 48)
• Learn how NOT to make a mistake that could mean the difference between sex and the sofa! (page 18)
• Discover the secrets to making your sex life is the envy of all men. (page 20)
• Uncover the first key and most important key to having her crave you like you�ve never been desired before. (page 34)
• Learn how to avoid auto-pilot, humdrum sex. (page 50)
• Discover the one, surefire way to give your partner an extraordinary orgasm. (page 53)
• Rediscover the power of the kiss. (page 35)
• Learn the one thing that you absolutely can�t do when you�re having sex. (page 44)
• Understand exactly what you need to do to create the perfect environment for sexual addiction. (page 17)
• Learn the secret power of the �Sex Kiss.� (page 35)
• Learn the secrets to breaking down the walls of sexual repression. (page 28)
• Uncover one of the most powerful sexual �devices� known to man. (page 45)
• Learn the secrets to satisfying your every sexual wish and whim. (page 12)
• Learn the special techniques to creating higher arousal faster and more intensely with any woman. (page 31)
• Learn what a woman absolutely must have to reach an orgasm. (page 19)
• Understand how knowing the key elements of addiction can help you meet your every sexual desire. (page 23)
• Learn why addiction can be a positive. (page 12)
• Reveal the secrets to more passion, more sensuality, and more eroticism. (page 6)
• See why acting out your wildest sexual fantasies is NEVER morally wrong or dirty. (page 10)
• Learn why the clitoris *will* be your little key to success. (page 39)
• Uncover the secrets to rekindling the sexual relationship where the passion has already fizzled out. (page 16)
• Learn why understanding a woman�s definition of sex will make all the difference in the world. (page 33)
• Reveal the secrets to a woman�s most sensitive erogenous zones�they might not be where you think! (page 18)
• Study the steps to finding successively more stimulating, more satisfying, more intense sex time after time. (page 16)
• Uncover the Final Word on Orgasms. (page 52)

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by Robert Greene

Charm, persuasion, the ability to create illusions: these are some of the many dazzling gifts of the Seducer, the compelling figure who is able to manipulate, mislead, and give pleasure all at once.  When raised to the level of art, seduction, an indirect and subtle form of power, has toppled empires, won elections, and enslaved great minds.

Seduce ... or be seduced

Choose the Right Target

Study your prey thoroughly.  The right targets are those for whom you can fill a void.  The perfect target allows for the perfect chase.

Create a False Sense of Security - Approach Indirectly

The seduction should begin at an angle so that the target only gradually becomes aware of you.  Haunt the periphery of your target‘s life.

Send Mixed Signals

A mix of qualities suggests depth, which fascinates as it confuses.

Appear to Be an Object of Desire

Make your targets hungry to possess you.  It will become a point of vanity for them to be the preferred object of your attention.

Create a Need - Stir Anxiety and Discontent

A perfectly satisfied person cannot be seduced.

Master the Art of Insinuation

Create a sublanguage - bold statements followed by retraction and apology, banal talk combined with alluring glances.  make everything suggestive.

Enter Their Spirit

Play by your targets‘ rules.  In doing so you will stroke their deep-rooted narcissism and lower their defenses.

Create Temptation

Lure the target by creating a glimpse of the pleasures to come.

Keep Them in Suspense

The moment people feel they know what to expect from you, you spell on them is broken.  Give the target a thrill with a sudden change of direction.

Use the Power of Words to Sow Confusion

The trick to making people listen is to say what they want to hear.  Flatter them.

Pay Attention to Detail

Lofty words of love and grand gestures can be suspicious.  The subtle gestures and the offhand things you do are often more charming.

Poeticize Your Presence

- Intrigue your target by altering an exciting presence with a cool distance, exuberant moments followed by calculated absences.

Disarm Through Strategic Weakness and Vulnerability

Too much maneuvering on your part may raise suspicion.  The best way to cover your tracks is to make the other person feel superior and stronger.

Confuse Desire and Reality

Create the Perfect Illusion  - Aim at secret wishes that have been thwarted or repressed, stirring up uncontrollable emotions, clouding a victim‘s powers of reason.

Isolate the Target

Take your targets away from their normal milieu, friends, family, home.  With no outside support, an isolated person is easily led astray.

Prove Yourself

One well-timed action that shows how far you are willing to go to win your target over will dispel doubts.

Effect a Regression

People who have experienced a certain kind of pleasure in the past will try to repeat or relive it.

Stir Up the Transgressive and Taboo

Use Spiritual Lures

Everyone has doubts and insecurities about their physical presence.  Lure them out of their insecurities by making them focus on something sublime and spiritual.

Mix Pleasure with Pain

The greatest mistake in seduction is being too nice.

Give Them Space to Fall

The Pursuer is Pursued - Hint that you are growing bored.  Seem interested in someone else.  Create the illusion that the seducer is being seduced.

Use Physical Lures

Targets with active minds are dangerous.  Put their minds gently to rest and waken their dormant senses by combining a non-defensive attitude with a charged sexual pleasure.

Master the Art of the Bold Move

Don‘t give the target time to consider the consequences.  One person must go on the offensive, and it is you.

Beware the After-effects

Never let the other person take you for granted.  Use absence, create pain and conflict, to keep the seduced on tenterhooks.

ABANDONING THE NARCISSIST

The narcissist INITIATES his own abandonment BECAUSE of his fear. He is so afraid of losing his sources (and of unconsciously being emotionally hurt) - that he would rather "control", "master", or "direct" the potentially destabilizing situation - than confront its effects if initiated by the significant other. Remember: the personality of the narcissist has a low level of organization. It is precariously balanced.

Being abandoned could cause a narcissistic injury so grave that the whole edifice can come crumbling down. Narcissists usually entertain suicidal ideation in such cases. BUT, if the narcissist initiated his abandonment, if HE directed the scenes, if the abandonment is perceived by him to be a goal HE set to himself to achieve - he can and does avoid all these untoward consequences. See the section about Emotional Involvement Prevention Mechanisms in the essay in "Malignant Self Love - Narcissism Revisited".

The Dynamics of the Relationship

The Narcissist lives in a world of ideal beauty, incomparable (imaginary) achievements, wealth, brilliance and unmitigated success. The narcissist denies his reality constantly. This is what I call the "Grandiosity Gap" - the abyss between his sense of entitlement and his inflated grandiose fantasies - and his incommensurate reality and achievements.

The narcissist‘s partner is perceived by him to be a source of narcissistic supply, an instrument, an extension of himself. It is inconceivable that - blessed by the constant presence of the narcissist - such a tool would malfunction. The needs of the partner are perceived by the narcissist as THREATS and INSULTS. He considers his very existence as sufficiently nourishing and sustaining to his partner. He feels entitled to the best others can offer without investing in maintaining relationships or in catering to the well being of his "suppliers". To rid himself of deep-set feelings of (rather justified) guilt and shame - he pathologizes the partner. He projects sickness unto her. Through the intricate mechanism of projective identification he forces her to play an emergent role of "the sick" or "the weak" or "the naive" or "the dumb" or "the no good". What he denies in himself, what he is terrified of facing in his own personality - he attributes to others and moulds them to conform to his prejudices against himself.

The Narcissist MUST have THE best, the MOST glamorous, stunning, talented, head turning, mind boggling spouse in the WORLD. Nothing short of this fantasy will do. To compensate for the shortcomings of his real life spouse - he invents an idealized figure and relates to it instead. Then, when reality conflicts too often and too roughly with the ideal figure - he reverts to devaluation. His behaviour turns on a dime and becomes threatening, demeaning, contemptuous, berating, reprimanding, destructively critical and sadistic - or cold, unloving, detached, "clinical". He punishes his real life spouse for not living up to his standards as personified in his Galathea, in his Pygmalion, in his ideal creation. The Narcissist plays a wrathful and demanding God.

Moving On

To preserve one‘s mental health - one must abandon the narcissist. One must move on. Moving on is a process, not a decision or an event. First, we have to acknowledge and accept reality. It is a volcanic, shattering, agonizing series of little, nibbling, thoughts and strong, voluptuous resistances. The battle won, harsh and painful realities assimilated, we can move on to the learning phase.

We label. We assemble material. We gather knowledge. We compare experiences. We digest. We have insights. Then we decide and we act. This is "to move on". Having gathered sufficient emotional sustenance, support and confidence - we leave to face the battlefields of our relationships, fortified and nurtured. This stage characterizes those who do not mourn - but fight; do not grieve - but replenish their self esteem; do not hide - but seek; do not freeze - but move on.

Grieving

After being betrayed and abused - we grieve. We grieve for the image we had of the traitor and abuser - the image that was so fleeting and so wrong. We mourn the damage he did to us. We experience the fear of never being able to love or to trust again - and we grieve this loss. In one stroke, we lost someone we trusted and even loved, we lost our trusting and loving selves and we lost the trust and love that we felt. Can anything be worse?

The emotional process of grieving is multiphased. At first, we are dumbfounded, shocked, inert, immobile. We play dead to avoid our inner monsters. We are ossified in our pain, cast in the mould of our reticence and fears. Then we feel enraged, indignant, rebellious and hateful. Then we accept. Then we cry. And then - some of us - learn to forgive and to pity. And this is called healing.

ALL stages are absolutely necessary and good. It is bad NOT to rage back, not to shame those who shamed us, to deny, to pretend, to evade. But it is equally as bad to stay like this forever. Permanent grieving is the perpetuation of our abuse by other means. By endlessly recreating our harrowing experiences, we unwillingly and defiantly collaborate with our abuser to perpetuate his or her evil deeds. It is by moving on that we defeat our abuser, minimizing him and his importance in our lives. It is by loving and by trusting anew that we annul that which was done to us. To forgive is never to forget. But to remember is not necessarily to re-live.

Forgiving and Forgetting

Forgiving is an important capability. It does more for the forgiver than for the forgiven. But, to my mind, it should not be a universal, indiscriminate behaviour. I think it is legitimate not to forgive sometimes. It depends, of course, on the severity or duration of what was done to you. In general, it is unwise and counter-productive, in my view, to establish "universal" and "immutable" principles in life. Life is too chaotic to succumb to rigid principles. Sentences, which start with "I never" are either not very credible or, worse, they lead to self-defeating, self- restricting and self-destructive behaviours.

Conflicts are an important and integral part of life. One should never seek them out willingly - but when confronted with a conflict, one should not avoid it. It is through conflicts and adversity inasmuch as through care and love that we grow.

Human relationships are dynamic. We must assess our friendships, partnerships, even marriages periodically. The past is insufficient in itself to sustain a healthy, nourishing, supportive, caring and compassionate relationship. It is a good pre-condition, perhaps a necessary one - but not a sufficient one. We must gain and regain our friendships on a daily basis. Human relationships are a constant test of allegiance and empathy.

Remaining Friends with the Narcissist

But can‘t we act civilized and remain on friendly terms with our narcissist ex? Never forget that Narcissists (full fledged ones) are nice to others if: 

(1) They want something - narcissistic supply, help, support, votes,  money... They prepare the ground, manipulate you and then come out with the "small favour" they need or ask you blatantly or surreptitiously for narcissistic supply ("what did you think about my performance..." "do you think that I really deserve the Nobel Prize?").

(2) They feel threatened and they want to neuter the threat by smothering it with oozing pleasantries.

(3) They have just been infused with an overdose of narcissistic supply and they feel magnanimous and magnificent and ideal and perfect. To show magnanimity is a way of flaunting one‘s impeccable divine credentials. It is an act of grandiosity. You are an irrelevant prop in this spectacle, a mere receptacle of the narcissist‘s overflowing, self-contented infatuation with his False Self.

This beneficence is transient. Perpetual victims often tend to "thank God for little graces" (God being the narcissist). This is the Stockholm syndrome: hostages tend to emotionally identify with the terrorists rather than with the police. We are grateful to our abusers and tormentors for ceasing their hideous activities and letting us breathe for a while.

Some people say that they prefer to live with narcissists, to cater to their needs and to succumb to their whims because this is the way they have been conditioned. It is only with narcissists that they feel alive, stimulated and excited. The world glows in Technicolor in the presence of a narcissist and decays to sepia colours in his absence.

I see nothing inherently "wrong" with that. The test is this: If a person were to constantly humiliate and abuse you verbally using Archaic Chinese - would you have felt humiliated and abused? Probably not. Some people have been conditioned by the narcissistic primary objects in their lives (parents or caregivers) to treat narcissistic abuse as Archaic Chinese, to turn a deaf ear. This technique is effective in that it allows the "inverted narcissist" (the narcissist‘s willing mate) to experience only the good aspects of living with a narcissist: his sparkling intelligence, the constant drama and excitement, his lack of intimacy and emotional attachment (some people prefer this). Every now and then the narcissist breaks into abusive Archaic Chinese, so what, who understands Archaic Chinese anyway?

I have only one nagging doubt, though:

If so rewarding, why are inverted narcissists so unhappy, so ego-dystonic, so in need of help (professional or otherwise)? Aren‘t they victims who simply experience the Stockholm Syndrome (=identifying with the kidnapper rather than with the Police)?

Narcissists and Abandonment

Narcissists are terrified of being abandoned exactly as codependents and Borderlines are. 

BUT

Their solution is different.

Codependents cling. Borderlines are emotionally labile and react disastrously to the faintest hint of being abandoned. Narcissists FACILITATE the abandonment. They MAKE SURE that they are abandoned.

This way they secure the achievement of two goals:

(1) Getting it over with - The narcissist has a very low threshold of tolerance to uncertainty and inconvenience, emotional or material. Narcissists are very impatient and "spoiled". They cannot delay gratification OR impending doom. They must have it all NOW, good or bad.

(2) By bringing the feared abandonment about, the narcissist can lie to himself persuasively. "She didn‘t abandon me, it is I who abandoned her. I controlled the situation. It was all my doing, so I was really not abandoned, was I now?" In time, the narcissist adopts this "official version" as the truth. He might say: "I deserted her emotionally and sexually long before she left".

Why the Failing Relationships?

Narcissists HATE happiness and joy and ebullience and vivaciousness - in short, they hate life itself. The roots of this bizarre propensity can be traced to a few psychological dynamics, which operate concurrently (it is very confusing to be a narcissist):

First, there is pathological envy.

The Narcissist is constantly envious of other people: their successes, their property, their character, their education, their children, their ideas, the fact that they can feel, their good mood, their past, their future, their present, their spouses, their mistresses or lovers, their location...

Almost ANYTHING can be the trigger of a bout of biting, acidulous envy. But there is nothing, which reminds the narcissist more of the totality of his envious experiences than happiness. Narcissists lash out at happy people out of their own deprivation.

Then there is narcissistic hurt.

The narcissist regards himself as the center of the world and the lives of those surrounding him. He is the source of all emotions, responsible for all developments, positive and negative alike, the axis, the prime cause, the only cause, the mover, the shaker, the broker, the pillar, forever indispensable. It is therefore a bitter and sharp rebuke to this grandiose fantasy to see someone else happy. It confronts the narcissist with a reality outside the realm of his fantasies. It painfully serves to illustrate to him that he is but one of many causes, phenomena, triggers and catalysts. That there are things happening outside the orbit of his control or initiative.

The narcissist uses projective identification. He feels bad through other people, his proxies. He induces unhappiness and gloom in others to enable him to experience his own misery. Inevitably, he attributes the source of such sadness either to himself, as its cause - or to the "pathology" of the sad person.

"You are constantly depressed, you should really see a therapist" is a common sentence. The narcissist - in an effort to maintain the depressive state until it serves some cathartic purposes - strives to perpetuate it by sowing constant reminders of its existence. "You look sad/bad/pale today. Is anything wrong?

Can I help you? Things haven‘t been going so well, ah?" Last but not least is the exaggerated fear of losing control. The narcissist feels that he controls his human environment mostly by manipulation and mainly by emotional extortion and distortion. This is not far from reality. He suppresses any sign of emotional autonomy. He feels threatened and belittled by an emotion fostered not by him or by his actions directly or indirectly. Counteracting someone else‘s happiness is the narcissist‘s way of reminding everyone: I am here, I am omnipotent, you are at my mercy and you will feel happy only when I tell you to.

http://www.drirene.com/8_nar.htm

HOW TO SWIFTLY DETECT AND ELIMINATE WOMEN
WHO ARE WACKOS, LOW-LIFES, CRAZIES AND SCUM

I wish the world were fair. If it were, I wouldn‘t be sitting here writing this. I‘d be a an independently wealthy multi-millionaire playboy, on my own beautiful tropical island, surrounded by the entire UCLA Women‘s Volleyball team thinking up new ways to be nice to me.

Ahemm.

But life ISN‘T fair. And one of the most unfair realities is that MOST of the women you meet are not going to be decent, intelligent, together pinnacles of love, joy and self-esteem, dying to meet you and fulfill your life in every way possible.

Nope. Most women are seriously dinged in one way or another.

Maybe it‘s the impossible expectations of society that does it. Maybe it‘s the horrible early training or just biology. Whatever the reason, it is a fact you must be prepared for.

So many times I would fall head over heels in love with a woman just because she had a few characteristics I really liked. I think I did it because I truly do like people and enjoy the feeling of liking someone.

But man, did I get my head kicked in.

Tattoo this on the inside of your eyelids: Just because a woman is gorgeous or fun or smart or (fill in your favorite here) doesn‘t say BEANS about her character.

Many women with great personalities have terrible characters. I‘ve met women who are witty, brilliant and tons of fun and GORGEOUS to boot who would have no second thought about stealing you blind in a second. Or doing whatever whim crossed their mind at the moment.

These ladies live by one rule: I‘M NOT GOING TO DO ANYTHING UNLESS I ABSOLUTELY FEEL LIKE IT AT THE MOMENT.

Charming flakes like this can really put your head (not to mention other parts) through the ringer.

Then their are ladies with great personalities, great characters, and even great looking. But they have one small problem:

THEY HATE SEX!

That‘s right. If you‘ve ever read George Orwell‘s classic book, l984, you know how the totalitarian government did it‘s level best to discourage people from enjoying sex. They were successful to such an extent that people viewed sex as they would a disgusting minor medical procedure like having an enema or popping a boil.

They even had a group for youngsters called THE JUNIOR ANTI-SEX LEAGUE.

Well, l984 may have been fiction, but the JASL isn‘t. I‘ve used to date many of it‘s members!

The best way to deal with all of these various varieties of low-life females is to take the same tact you‘d take with cancer: EARLY DETECTION AND SWIFT REMOVAL.

To aid you in detection, I‘ve designed what I call rather modestly the JEFFRIES UPRIGHT/ UPTIGHT SCALE. It allows you to quickly size up a girl to let you know if she‘s got relationship potential or if she deserves no more than having one of the "quick-lay" strategies pulled on her.

The vertical scale measures her enjoyment of sex. Not necessarily performance, but enthusiasm and genuine pleasure she gets out of it. Naturally, you‘d want someone with a low "uptight score."

The horizontal scale measures her character, how "upright" she is. Lots of things go into this: is she warm? Does she treat people, especially strangers, with respect? DOES SHE DO WHAT SHE SAYS SHE WILL? Is she honest?

This last is most important. I once worked with a girl who I consider to be one of my models for uprightness. In addition to her regular job, which she worked with me, she sold certain door to door kitchenware/soap products. She knew I had an incredible crush on her, and would buy anything she slapped down in front of my face.

Believe me, lots and LOTS of ladies would not have hesitated to take advantage of this. But not Lisa. After talking to me for awhile, she realized that I really didn‘t need her products and she wouldn‘t let me buy them! She said she didn‘t feel right about making a sale to someone who could get a cheaper product that would do the same job for the particular need they had!

That, my friends, is integrity and UPRIGHTNESS.

Other qualities that go into this: Is she a giver? And, just as importantly, can SHE receive good things from YOU? Without feeling uncomfortable about it? One of the sure signs that you‘ve got a sicko on your hands is she can‘t accept someone‘s being good to her.

Someone once described a good friend of mine this way: "She‘s really great to anyone who can take it."

Pick a girl who can take it.

When you meet a lady, size her up as the two of you spend time together, and try to put her on the uptight/upright scale.

Here are some early tell-tale behavioral cues to let you know you‘re dealing with someone who is NOT going to get a favorable spot on the scale:

She talks about sex on the first date. Any woman who does this either has no class, or, far more frequently, is a prickteaser. If a woman talks about sex on the first date, or even pulls out a dirty drawing or photograph to show you (believe me, I‘ve had it happen) don‘t get hot and bothered! This is a sign of a sicko, believe me! Your best response is to act a trifle shocked and say, "I think talking about these kind of things with someone you hardly know is kind of vulgar, don‘t you?" Or, even more effective, "You know I find people who have to talk about sex right off the bat usually have a real problem with it!"

That will REALLY PUT HER IN HER PLACE. She may even try to prove you wrong, by fucking you later that night. But generally speaking, you‘ve got a JASL member on your hands and are best off calling it an early evening. Tell her you forgot that you have to drive out of town really early the next day for a Three Stooges convention. Have some fun with it, but forget her, FAST!

She keeps you waiting a long time when you go to pick her up or does something else that is darn rude either at the beginning of the date or later on.

Maybe she‘ll pull a flaky stunt like having you wait in the living room, while she makes a quick call. Then she‘ll get on the phone and chat with a girlfriend for an hour or so.

Women like this are looking for a man who‘s going to ABUSE THEM EMOTIONALLY. They are testing you right off the bat to see if you‘ll be patient and understanding and if you are, YOU ARE OUT! She ideally would like you to pull the phone out of the wall, grab her by the hair and either drag her out the door or walk out, with her running after you.

If the chick pulls something like that, you have to make a decision. Either give her what she wants, by aggressively telling her what an asshole she is and turning to walk out in which case she‘ll fall in love with you right then and there. Or, decide she‘s not worth wasting the time, wave politely, and get lost. Or, wait patiently for her to finish the call and then skip the date and screw the chick right there, using a quick-lay hypnosis strategy. She certainly doesn‘t deserve any better treatment!

By the way, you may find it quite a mind-expanding trip to play the abusive asshole just once in your life! It is a far weirder and more mind blowing experience than any drug you might ever use - it‘s like being a new person, being reborn in a new personality and body. Try it, if only to see what it is like and to add to your personal flexibility.

She starts talking about her past boyfriends or other guys she‘s currently dating. This is more easily dealt with and not necessarily cause to relegate her to the "lowlife" category. Just tell her you‘d really rather not hear about it. This will establish you as having some balls and then you will have passed her little test.

She drinks or uses drugs to excess. If she gets riotously drunk every time you go out, consider the fact that you may have an alcoholic on your hands. Sure, they can be fun for a while, but I personally would rather not be with a woman who loves Jack Daniels more than she does Ross Jeffries.

She does not keep appointments or commitments. I don‘t know how "flakes" are manufactured; I suspect that they were raised by parents who put enormous pressures on them to perform on cue, so now they have a polarity response and refuse to do anything unless they feel like it at the moment! If a woman doesn‘t do as she says she will, dump her or use a "quick-lay" strategy.

She asks for a favor BEFORE you‘ve even gone out! Maybe she needs a ride, or some money, or even her car washed.

To hell with these evil little Nazi douche-bag exploitation queens. Fuck and dump time, good buddy! And DON‘T DO HER THE FAVOR. TELL HER YOU‘LL DO IT AFTER YOU GO OUT!

In summation, I‘m no bible thumper, but scripture does say something very, very wise on the subject:

"A good woman, who can find her? Her price is beyond pearls."

Use the uptight/upright scale, and get yourself a STRAND OF THEM!

MySpace Is a Ticking Time Bomb

Misogyny

From Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia

Misogyny (/mɪˈsɑdʒəni/) is hatred of or strong prejudice against women. Compared with anti-woman sexism or misandry (hatred of or strong prejudice against men), misogyny is usually regarded as directed against women by some men, though women can also hold misogynistic views. In feminist theory, misogyny is recognized as a political ideology - similar to racism or anti-Semitism - that justifies and maintains the subordination of women by men. The word comes from the Greek misos "hatred" + gyne "woman".

Forms of misogyny

There are many different forms of misogyny. In its most overt expression, a misogynist will openly hate all women simply because they are female. Some sexual predators may fall into this category.

Other forms of misogyny may be more subtle. Some misogynists may simply be prejudiced against all women, or may hate women who don‘t fall into one or more acceptable categories. Entire cultures may be said to be misogynist if they treat women in ways that can be seen as harmful. Examples include forcing women to tend to all domestic responsibilities, demanding silence from a woman, or beating a woman regularly. Subscribers to one model, the mother/whore dichotomy, hold that women can only be "mothers" or "whores". Another variant is the Virgin/whore dichotomy--in which women who do not adhere to a saintly standard of moral purity are considered "whores"

Frequently the term misogynist is used in a looser sense as a term of derision to describe anyone who holds an unpopular or distasteful view about women as a group. A man who considers himself "a great lover of women," therefore, might somewhat paradoxically be termed a misogynist by those who consider his treatment of women sexist. Archetypes of this type of man might be Giacomo Casanova (a historical figure) or James Bond and Don Juan (fictional characters), who were both reputed for their many libertine affairs with women. While a "seducer" like Casanova or Don Juan might appear outwardly charming and to enjoy the company of women, many do not, at root, respect women or find them interesting on any higher plane than mere sex objects.

Misogyny is a negative attitude towards women as a group, and as such need not fully determine a misogynist‘s attitude towards each individual woman. The fact that someone holds misogynist views may not prevent them from having positive relationships with some women. Conversely, simply having positive relationships with some women does not necessarily mean someone does not also hold misogynist views.

Misogyny in philosophy and religion

Many religions and philosophies contain what could be called misogyny. Paul insisted that women should not talk in church ("women should remain silent in the churches. They are not allowed to speak, but must be in submission, as the Law says." -1 Cor 14:34 NIV). In Hinduism, the Code of Manu makes women incapable of ever being independent. At times in Indian history, it was customary for a woman to be pushed onto the funeral pyre of her husband (see sati). In Islam, some interpretations of Sharia law forbid women to show any part of their body in public except their face, hands or the top of their feet. There is, however, wide disagreement from followers of these religions that these various teachings are misogynistic.

The 16th century Protestant reformer John Knox wrote a book called The First Blast of the Trumpet Against the Monstrous Regiment of Women in which he argued against the ability of women to govern.

Some of the most famous philosophers exhibited misogyny at times. Arthur Schopenhauer, in a very sophisticated epistemological discussion in his main work, included the sentence, "Reason is feminine in nature: it can only give after it has received". Nietzsche is known for arguing that every higher form of civilisation implied stricter controls on women [Beyond Good and Evil, 7:238]; he frequently insulted women, but is best known for the phrases, "Women are less than shallow", "Woman was God‘s second blunder," and "Are you going to women? Do not forget the whip!" Napoleon, Machiavelli, Aristotle, Tolstoy and even the progressive Rousseau were also known for making such comments about women. (It should also be noted, however, that philosophers such as Pythagoras, John Stuart Mill, Friedrich Engels, Fyodor Dostoyevsky and Henry George supported feminism.)

Misogyny in language

Many slang terms that refer to women are considered offensive by some women; such terms have existed throughout history, and change over time. Some of those common in contemporary usage are:

• Babe: A diminutive or familiar way to address a woman. More commonly said to a partner, in a similar way to "honey".
• Bird: British English, most women see it as demeaning. Also commonly used in modern Ireland where it is not considered very demeaning.
• Chick: literally a young chicken or young bird of any kind, this term is mildly offensive to some women who interpret it to be infantilizing or objectifying; it is chiefly an Americanism. It is sometimes claimed that the usage derives from the Spanish chica (girl), but neither the Oxford English Dictionary nor Merriam-Webster supports this derivation. The word chick was used in a gender-neutral sense to mean "human child" at least as early as the 14th century. The popularity of the usage in North America may, nonetheless, be due in part to its similarity to the Spanish word.
• Sheila: used in Australia.
• Skeezer: used in some hip-hop recordings.

In some cultural groups, terms considered extremely offensive to most women (e.g., bitch, cunt, or ho) are used to refer to women in general. Many terms that refer to women‘s physical appearance (e.g., hottie, a sexually attractive woman) see wide use, but many consider them to imply sexual objectification.

MISOGYNY ON THE INTERNET: http://www.theabsolute.net/misogyny/

Woman Who Plotted Husband‘s Murder Gets 16 Years