Okay so I hate the long stories thing so I will make it as short as possible. Some background about me.
Was raped at the age of 18 by my bff at the time‘s husband.
My family and i have had a very bad experience of ethnic intimidation. Very abusive to the point where Bebees were shot into my home and are still embeded in my walls, my husbands leg, scars on the kids etc.
I cannot do crowds at all and do horrible around men. I had to get a ride from my Targeted case manager‘s coworker and ended up getting very very ill once I got to the psych office. He was a stranger and a guy two things against me there.
I am fighting over things with my husband constantly. I am depressed and have mixed episodes bippolar disoreder, generalistic anxiety disorder, and ptsd. I am feeling abandonded and lonely. I am constantly fighting over him spending money, spending too much time with friends, and never want to clean or anything.
I find it hard to make friends very well. Let alone get very close to anyone. The ones I am close to are at about an arm‘s length away. AT times I do not want affection like being pawed on or layed on even from the kids. I feel trapped and panic. Other times I ask them to come over and need a hug. I panic when things become very stressed and go to fast for my brain to process. ANd I am extremely protective of my kids.
I have been known to go after people whom try to harm my kids. The thing is doc I feel really screwed up. Like all of my problems are because I am just not functioning. I am on medications, go to therapy once a week, have a targeted case manager, and a psychiatrist. I know I sound like a nut job to some people, but hey walk a mile in my shoes. I wanna get better, I wanna be normal like anyone else and I take very good care of my kids. They are always first and the reason I fight and try very hard to follow through with everything I can to keep things healthy for them.
Doc after telling you this all I want to know from a medical stand point the panic attacks, the pushing away and confusion and paranoia, is it they dinamics in total? Or is it my bipolar? I feel like when things go wrong all of the time its because of me and my issues. Then I feel even worse.