WomanSavers.com Forum / GENERAL / Kind of new and needing some advice.

Hi, I was on here years ago and I should have stayed but the guy I was seeing found out.  I left because I didn’t want the drama from him.  I’m back under a new name and I wish I would have stayed.  I don’t think I would be where I am with him now.  I’ll try and make this short but I really need support and advice.

I started talking to this guy on the phone in August of 2002 and I went to see him for the first time on October 26, 2002.  We live in different states.  He was such a gentleman that night and he made me feel so comfortable.  He took me out to dinner and to catch the local band play.  I met him off this local band’s website. 

I would go down every chance I could to see him.  He never came up here to see me.  I even offered to pay for his plane ticket and he said he couldn’t leave his mom for that long. 

He started to ask me for money.  I bought into his lies and kept sending it.  We would get into fights about this.  I don’t mind helping someone out but at least pay me back.  I could never ask someone for money as often has he asked me. 

I caught him cheating on me and I took him back because of his words he was telling me.  He tried to pin point me and the woman he was seeing against each other.  Well it didn’t work out the way he planned it.

During the times I would go down to be with him he never showed me affection.  He never held me in his arms, hardly ever kissed me or hugged me except when I was leaving to go back.  We only did the deed twice in all of the six years I was with him.

I know the distance between us wasn’t easy and he always wanted me to move down there to be with him.  I’ve looked for a job and nothing.  He doesn’t understand that I need to have a job in order to pay for my bills and to move.  I can’t live on nothing and be able to survive.

He got in trouble with the law and he asked me for $2,000 to keep him out of jail and his mom even asked me for it.  Well, I’m sorry he knew right from wrong and he needs to take responsibility for his own actions.  Needless, to say I was the bad person because I didn’t send it.  It is not my problem to keep him out of jail.  I lied to them both and said I sent it even though I didn’t.  I know that was wrong and I regret saying that.

He got sent to rehab for 28 days and that is when my hell began.  He decides he has a contingence and has to tell me that right after the first of January that he is seeing someone else.  He sends me a picture of her and him together at his house on Christmas Eve.  Now he never asked me to come for a holiday and that hurt.  It was like a knife in my heart.  I lost it so bad.  This was not a good time for me anyways because my great aunt passed away on December 31 and I was close to her. 

He and I went back and forth with text messaging hurtful things to each other.  He even sends me two naked pictures of her one of the top and one of her legs spread on his bed.  That was another knife deep in my heart because I’m not skinny and I don’t like my body to well.  I don’t understand why he sent them to me but I’m still hurting. 

I changed my cell number and he got a hold of it from someone who gave it to him.  He told me she was pregnant and he wanted her and I wouldn’t understand about his drug addiction.  He admitted he was addicted to cocaine but not sure to believe that.  He pushed my buttons real good this time and I can’t believe how much he hurt me.  I don’t’ understand why he did and said what he did to me. 

I was always there for him and for him to call me a leech because I wanted affection from him when I seen him.  I just wanted him to hold me and we didn’t have to have intercourse every time either.  I wanted to feel safe in his arms.  I wanted him to say to everyone that he was with me and he didn’t.  I never met his online friends or friends when I was there either.  He kept me in the dark. 

Now he calls me and tells me that he broke up with her and asked me for money.  He even asked me for money for her girlfriend to get a tire fixed for her car.  I don’t get him and why can’t he just walk away from me.  There is no way I can go back to him even if he was a decent guy.  Not with all the hurt and hell he has put me through since the beginning of the year.

I don’t understand why he couldn’t come to me and tell me about his addiction and why he has treated me so horrible.  Six years is a long time and I need to let my feelings go and to be mad at him for what he did.  I gave up six years on thinking he was the one and now I think about where I could be if I would have walked away.  Why won’t he stop contacting me and walk away. 

Sorry to make this long but I needed to vent and ask for advice.  I keep ignoring him and he keeps calling.  I’m at my wits end right now and I need to find the strength to let him go and move on.   Will he continue to contact me or will he get enough and walk away forever.  I need support and none of my friends understand what I’m dealing with emotionally. 

Any advice I would greatly appreciate it.

again No Reins

I can only offer you my view here. It reads to me that you have been in a one-sided relationship with this guy for about 6 years, long distance at that.

While I dont rule out long distance relationships, I am now thankfully in a place where I am able to rule out one-sided ones.

The do‘s and dont‘s of any guy and any woman in a relationship are only really symptoms in my eyes.

For example, I did this and he did that etc. They are symptoms of an underlying personal "condition". JMHO.

Nine times out of ten the condition is one of a undernourished, low self esteem/worth.

Man or woman we settle for less and settle for CRAP

We can be the most lovingist, most forgiving, caring people in the world. It means nothing unless we adopt those same self standards inwards to ourselves.

I‘ve been at the "giving" end, sacrificed alot for someone else. I didnt think much of myself either at the time, chose to hang on to what I THOUGHT I had. Irreguardless of the personal cost, torment and pain.

Common traits are giving, compromising, forgiving the unthinkable, making excuses and ignoring what we want and need.

I‘d say to you now, to imagine in your head what you‘d really like. Would it be to like all of yourself, weight included, would it be an image of an ideal relationship? Would it include what you‘d like and expect from a potential partner?? More importantly would it show you what you would and wouldnt expect from a loving relationship?

Work on yourself lady, forget him for now and concentrate on YOU.

When I left my exh I took up some of the fab advice I recieved. It killed me emotionally but I was determined to hang on in there if in the long run it would mean simple, plain happiness for me.

I got fit and lost some weight, found new interests, got some counselling, made new friends, discovered myself for the first time, got me some hobbies, brought some new clothes.

Anything that made me feel better and lessened my concentration on him......

To work out where and how it went wrong we really do need to check out our own failings, whether they are through no fault of our own. Its these that keep us stuck and stop us ever reaching or having our full potential in this life.

T

T

Thank you Tula1969 and shally for the advice.  Yes I am going to counseling to work on me.  

In those six years I lost myself and I need to get back to who I am and where I need to be.  I need to get my dreams and goals back and strive for them. 

I always thought I would know when to walk away and this time I didn‘t.  I can learn from this and be able to see the signs. 

I know I deserve better and I wasn‘t perfect during this time but I gave everything I have to make it work.  I want to be pampered and to be treated like I should.

Hi No Reins, the best option for you is no contact. Either block his number from all of your phones or change it again.

It is good that you are in counseling to work on you because that is who is most important.

The guy is a classic jerk. Just be glad you were not married to him.

Welcome to WomanSavers!

I am very, very sorry for your pain, but you have come to the right place, and we are happy to support you in any way we can.

We‘ve all bad boyfriends and bad husbands and can relate to your heartache.  We‘ve been there and done that.  Join us, stick around, and eventually, you will start to feel better.

I would echo everything that Tula said.  It‘s pretty much right on the money. 

Be good to yourself!  Know that you are not alone.

Okay...now I understand where I‘ve gone wrong in my life with women.  Clearly, I need to re-evaluate the way I conduct my life because here are the attributes that women apparently seem to cherish:

-Always broke and begging her for money

-Treating her like **** when you see her

-Get arrested

-Go into rehab

-Cheat on her

-Beg to get back with her while asking for more money

Damn!!!  I‘ve never done any of those things!!  No wonder my relationships never work out...

sweetie, you‘ve been had. that‘s all. its way over, its in the past.

take all your resources and use them for yourself.

whatever it is you don‘t like about yourself or your body, use your own money and fix it.

btw, i truly admire your work ethic. i believe its what saved you.

a man that sends you nude crude photos of his lover, hates you and himself.

go out and get a mani pedi and celebrate your close call and your sweet sweet freedom, let his mommy beg someone to else to pay his lazy way. the sheer gall of that is amazing.

stick around, you ain‘t alone anymore.