WomanSavers.com Forum / GENERAL / My Stepmother is Critically Ill

I am having a very hard day.

My stepmother has been in intensive care for about 12 days.  She had a heart attack around New Years, has severe endocarditis, and was transferred to a hospital in Seattle just a few days ago.

It is not looking good.  They have been running massive tests and have identified e-coli, possibly sepsis, and now there is a tumor on her heart.  There is a fear that she will not be strong enough to make it through the surgery if they operate.  And all the antibiotics they are giving her - while partially helping - are also compromising her immune system.

I have tried very hard to be strong, stoic, positive and affirming throughout all of this - trying to keep relatives from fighting with each other - trying to stay out of the way so that the doctors and nurses can do their job - trying to cooperate with everyone so that she can get her rest and get well, trying to be brave ... there has been so much family to deal with.  Mostly, I am praying like crazy, because I don‘t know what else to do.  But somehow I just feel her slipping away.  I saw the light go out of her when my father died, and she has pushed us all away.  I see her not eating, and I sense that she is giving up.  For the first time, her fighting spirit is just not there.

I am just so not ready to lose her.  She married my dad 33 years ago, and she made him so happy for the 32 1/2 years that they were together.  She loved him fiercely, protected him from the bad asses of the world who tried to take advantage him, and she‘s feisty, outspoken, a real spitfire, and very, very fun.  She has been such an anchor for me.  She‘s pissed me off, she‘s hurt my feelings, and sometimes I‘ve wanted to shake her.  She‘s also been such a role model for me and I would not be the person I am today if not for her.  She is earthy and honest and refreshingly real.

While I would get mad at my parents sometimes, I could just never stay away from them.  It was such a blast to go to their house all those years, and there were so many laughs.

She was the one who said to me:  "If a man can‘t do any better by you than you can do for yourself, there‘s no point in having one!"  That one stuck with me. 

She was the one who came and got me when I left the first abusive husband. 

For better, for worse she has influenced me.  I just can‘t imagine this world without her in it. This is just so hard.

I would appreciate any positive and affirming words that any of you may have.  There are very darn few things that break me, but this is coming darn close.  I am an absolute mess.

Mostly, I am praying like crazy, because I don‘t know what else to do.  But somehow I just feel her slipping away.  I saw the light go out of her when my father died, and she has pushed us all away.  I see her not eating, and I sense that she is giving up.  For the first time, her fighting spirit is just not there.

 i am so proud of you for conducting yourself so well, with and for everyone.

however, its her ending to and it sounds like she is accepting that its time for her to make HERS.

continue to take your cues from her and help her to have the "ceremony" she wants, the way she wants in the time she has.

if it appears that she is looking ahead to joining others gone before, then i repect her courage and hope i can do as well someday.

all you can do is follow her lead.

I understand and feel for you Rhi.

It‘s odd how we sometimes don‘t recognize the amount of influence someone has had in our lives until we face the possibility of losing them.  I always knew my dad was a very important person to me, but when he got sick I was able to tell him what he meant to me.  I take great solace in that.

A year after my dad passed away I went to a family reunion.  Over the years I‘ve had several uncles who influenced me greatly on how to conduct my life as a man.  Unfortunately they‘ve all passed away with the exception of one.  I took that opportunity to pull him aside and let him know how much I appreciated his positive influence on my life.

I guess the point is Rhi....whatever you do, take the time to let her know what her example and guidance has meant to you.  It will help immeasurably in the months and years after she is gone.

Thank you Skylla, Lorrie, and ME.  Tears are streaming, and I can safely say the mascara is running.  I really appreciate your kind words and support.  You know that I very rarely ask for it, and that that‘s very hard for me to do.  I appreciate it more than you can ever know.

Lorrie, I know you are right.  I know this isn‘t up to me.  I know it is not my decision.  I will honor her wishes whatever they are.  I know what my head tells me.  I just wish that someone could explain it to my heart. 

I have known this was coming.  I felt it six months ago.  I just hoped we could put it off another 2 or 3 years, you know?  I really want to be wrong about this one. 

I am leaving for work.  Thank you again for being there for me.

I am sorry Rhi,  I will say a prayer for her!

Rhi, my heart and prayers go out to you. Losing someone that we aren‘t ready to let go of is the hardest thing. It sounds like she is ready, and you need to be ready, too. Talk to her and tell her how much she has meant to your life. Tell her good-bye. Even if she doesn‘t hear you, tell her anyway. She loved your Dad so much, and I imagine she is anxious to be by his side again.

I lost my grandma on New Years Day. I saw her shortly before she died, and she looked so restless behind her listless eyes. She had stopped eating, as well, and was just wasting away. She was 85 years old. I felt so helpless and sad for her. I went home after seeing her and prayed to God, which is something I had not done in years. I prayed for her suffering to end.

At the funeral, I looked at her face, and saw a look of peace I had not seen on her face for a very long time.

I honestly feel she finally let go because we all told her it was OK to do so.

I don‘t know if saying all this helped you at all, but remember that I‘m thinking of you.

Well it looks as if we all have our stories of losing someone...and it stinks. When my kids dad was dying I was deathly afraid. Not that he was dying, but of death itself. I had only been to one funeral in my whole life. I didn‘t know how to handle it. The hospice people were awesome. They gave me a short book to read on the days/weeks leading up to the end. I couldn‘t beleive it. After I read it, I watched things happen spot on from that book. It prepared me somewhat for each thing that would come next. Even though we were divorced, me and my kids surrounded him with love...talked to him and told him we loved him....and I think the most important thing was... I told him I forgave him for the things he did to me. He stopped eating, became listless...all the things you expect. In the last hour we kept telling him it was ok to go....In my heart I beleive he died in peace and with his dignity.

If I can do it...so can you Rhi. You are a much stronger person than I could ever be. Is hospice in yet?? If not, see if you can get that book. You will be amazed at how comforting it is.

I‘m so sorry....I love you and will pray for you and your "mom"........

Eves

Best wishes to you and your family through this difficult time...........

I recomend "The Shack" for a comforting read............

Rhi,

I tell you, if I‘d been wearing mascara when I read your post, mine would have been running too

I have only lost one person I held dear and loved with a passion. My nan, we lost her 3 years ago, New Years eve just gone.

I remember getting the call to say she had only 24 hours to live. I‘d only seen her 2 days previous and she was fine. I couldnt believe it.

I collected Spug from work and my exh, then my husband :) took us to the hospital where she was. I was consumed with shock and all I kept thinking was, I too could not imagine my life without her in it.

Like you, she‘d been a major, positive role model in my life, the mum I‘d never had. I had shared laughs with her, struggled eating some of her atrocious cooking and her some of mine. We also had our share of arguements, had had mad aSSed debates but come what ever, she was the mainstay and head of "my family" as I knew it. She taught me more than school ever did.

I thank God I didnt have too much time to wait for her passing.

My faith lies in a power greater than myself, in the world around me, nature, thats my God. 

One of my close friends told me that  LIFE COULD ONLY BE LIVED FORWARDS.... BUT IT CAN BE UNDERSTOOD AND FULLY APPRECIATED BACKWARDS.

I took from this some comfort with respects to my nan. I no longer had her here physically but she lived on in me and around me.

In my memories, in my heart, in many of the strengths, morals and traits I have that make me, me. She was a great teacher and because of that, she‘ll never be far from me? I hope what I‘m trying to say makes some sense. Its hard sometimes.

Rhi, prayers are being said here for you in England. Candle being lit too. You are a strong wise woman. I hope and pray things turn around and she is well. We are all here for you.

T

Rhi, I am so sorry!  Maybe your stepmom wants to be with your dad now.  That is how I would like to look at it.  She misses him so much and he is just waiting for her to join him.

Tell you how you feel about her, if you haven’t already.

Rhi, I am so sorry that you are in this much pain. I know that it you have read this before but you are truly blessed to have such a woman that helped shape you into the woman that you are today.

Rhi, it  sounds like she is tired of fighting. Go to her and ask her if she is tired. She may be waiting for someone to tell her that it is okay to let go. You may have to be that person. It will hurt like hell and you will think that you will never be able to make it through the days after her death. But you will.

I will pray for you and your entire family.

Thank you, Everyone. for your support and kind remarks, and for taking the time to respond to my post.  I really appreciate it - more than you know.

I have lost many, many family members.  My stepmom is only 64 (my dad robbed the cradle, LOL - she‘s only 12 years older than me).  She represents the last of that generation in my dad‘s family.  It was a big family, and they all died young.  My dad made it to 76, and he had the worst health of all of them.  I credit her that he lived as long as he did.  She took such good care of him - at the expense of herself, it appears.

I think I coped with all those deaths better because I had her.  When my dad died 6 months ago, I was crushed, but knowing she was there gave me comfort.

She isn‘t so much like a "mom" figure - as like a peer - a very good friend.  I got drunk with her several times.  She‘s young at heart, and full of life and just a total blast.  She looks and acts like Roseanne Barr, and there isn‘t a person who meets her who doesn‘t say that. I loved that show because it reminded me so much of her, and even one of my girls (at age 3) said, "What‘s Grandma doing on TV Mom?"

She influenced me in so many ways.  She said what she thought - was who she was - and called a spade a spade. She didn‘t worry about being politically correct, and whether you agreed with her or not, you usually ended up laughing.  She was blunt, but she was also hilarious, and she was so much fun.  She gave me the courage to be myself, and showed me that I didn‘t have to be perfect in order to be loved. 

It was her imperfections that I embraced.  Her courage to be herself without trying to impress anybody.  Her love for animals and the cornball ways she spoiled them.  Her ability to talk to - and relate to - kids.  She loved big kids (teenagers).  She hated keeping house, and was totally honest about it. If the house was a mess when you came over, she‘d say, "Clear off a spot and sit down!"  There were no apologies.  If you dropped in, you got what you got.  No one said a word about her housekeeping, but everybody loved to come over, because they just loved the company.  It was just a blast to be there.  When one of her projects bombed, she said, "Did ya ever have a day when everything you touched turned to ****?!!!"  She broke the "rules" - cut through the hypocrisy - and we loved her for it.

I was ready to kill her at times, but then there was that selfless devotion to my father, and to my grandmother before she died.  She would go to the end of the earth for them, fighting with doctors, ordering nurses around, sleeping on the windowsill in his hospital room...  I put my own feelings aside when I was irritated with her, because those qualities meant so much to me. 

I have so many memories in 33 years, and I am just not ready or willing to let go.  I know it‘s the noble thing, and I know I don‘t have a choice.  I‘m totally selfish - I just want her here.

Thank you all - so much - for your support.

ToW - I have done just what you said.  Unfortunately, my aunts and uncles on that side are no longer here, but somehow the Universe arranged it that I was able to say "good bye" to each of them before they died - without me knowing it was the last time I would ever talk to them.  That was a huge blessing.  You are so right that it is important to let people know how they have helped you and influenced your life for the better.  They all knew how much I loved them.

In the meantime, I am strengthening my relationships with my cousins.  They are taking this about as hard as I am, because they lost their parents, and she provided the same sense of "family" to them. 

Anyway - thank you so much for listening.