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Originally posted June 9, 2005 by Angerlives, Female, Minnesota
So, here’s my story.
First, I’m a successful, single mom of a now 13 year old son. Two years ago my house was on the market, I was moving and going to law school, and unemployed (had lost my job the day after 9/11 as a regional vice president for an international consulting firm)...
Somewhere along the line I’d put my profile on match.com and was about to pull it off when I got a "you’ve got mail" message. He sounded wonderful although the picture didn’t do him justice I thought what the heck, I’ll keep talking to him... A fun date here and there never hurt anyone.
We met on a Thursday night for drinks at the local bar... he was late for reasons he told me then, had to do with the bridges being painted (they really were being painted but...) When I saw this tall, handsome man walk in I thought if my date doesn’t show up I’m going over the meet "that" one... well... guess what. It was him.
We hit it off... he was everything I could hope for and more... Charming, handsome, smart, funny, fun, clever... We had appetizers, more drinks and then I needed to head home. He told me how his ex gf had left him in the middle of them buying a house together, that she had serious issues being faithful to him, that he’d left his wife and 4 kids because she’d stopped loving him and there was subsequently, no passion in his life with her. He added that she even got violent with him once in awhile. I felt so horrible for him - why would anyone treat him like that? Anyway, he walked me to my car and kissed me - passionately... oh my god, I think I was going to ... I left and went home. He got to the email before me and said simply, "WOW!" and I was thrilled.
The next night he called to see what I was up to - told him I was playing Risk with my son... we talked for a bit and I invited him over to play with us. He arrived, we played the game, at midnight I sent my son to bed (he was 11 at the time), and he and I started to ... you know! NECK! Which led to other things /sigh. It was heaven. I thought I’d met the man of my dreams; the "one"; I was going to marry this one...
I sent him home at 5 AM since my son would be getting up that morning... and agreed to lunch on Sunday (it was Sat morning)... he called me that night - was attentive, oh my god it was like we were peas in a pod. That first week was heaven. He sent me poetry, invited me over for dinner that he’d cooked (REALLY - spaghetti noodles and salad out of a bag), he asked when he could come over again... and might he bring a change of clothes so he wouldn’t have to go home before work.
That following weekend we went rollerblading/biking - he was tuning up for a marathon in Sept. It was heaven... God we were having fun - and the sex?!?!?!??! FABULOUS! I’d never in my life moved that fast with a man.
So, a couple of weeks pass and I notice his ex gf whom he said it had been 6 months since they’d broken up, is calling him at odd hours on his cell phone (he does not use a land line). I asked him why 1) he always talks ABOUT her 2) she’s still calling him if they are really done... He says he doesn’t know but doesn’t want to be rude to her.
Third week - he knows my son and I are shopping nearby his house in the suburb and asks if I can stop by and pick him up while he plays this game called Everquest with his kids... I said sure. He gave me a key to his townhouse to let ourselves in.
We did and said hi but apparently he didn’t hear us. We got upstairs to where he was playing and said hi again and scared the living crap out of him... He whipped the wrist guard at us saying, "You fuckers scared the crap out of me! Fuck you - why’d you do that..." the "F" word was used pretty frequently for about 5 minutes... then he got quiet and then he started up again... I was stunned and shocked. He said he’d be about 15 minutes while he wrapped up whatever he was doing on EQ (Everquest). My son and I sat in stunned silence on his bar stools waiting... then after 30 minutes we left.
He called that night and profusely apologized. Said he hated getting that angry but we had scared him so... BTW - he’s still talking about the ex gf a lot and she’s still calling him. I asked him where’d she move to and ironically, close to where he moved into his townhouse. I asked why there? He said because it was the newest one and that it had nothing to do with her at all.
By mid June (we started dating May 22), he told me he loved me, that I was so kind to him and that he’d never been treated as well as he had been by me, nor ever felt so loved. He whispered sweet nothings to me all the time, still wrote me poetry, and still was fabulous in bed. His clothes were mostly at my house by now. He only went home on Sunday nights and Mondays to play EQ.
I’d noticed he’d get mad on the bike/rollerblade trails but let it all slide. He’d complain and bitch about the people on them not looking out for others, or how this or that was bothering... once I think I was too slow behind him and he got mad at that. I just let it slide. I really loved this man we had so much fun together.
Early July a storm hit my house and a big elm tree fell. I called a guy friend of mine who’s family owns the country’s largest wholesale nursery to see if they had a chainsaw I could borrow (I mean they’re in the nursery business - wouldn’t they have a chainsaw???). He got pissed and pouted on the front porch of my house. He said he was having flashbacks of his ex-girlfriend and how she’d call her ex husband to find out what kind of deodorant he used to like... and that me calling this FRIEND of mine was not reasonable with him there - made him feel insignificant, he said. I apologized... and truly was sorry I’d made him feel like that.
We got the tree taken care of, sans my friend, and headed up north to my best friend’s 4th of July party. It was rather fun – We stayed in the loft and snuggled/cuddled all night long. The next day we were drinking and when he paired up with my friend’s husband and started losing at cribbage, he got pissed and quit. I just let that go. It was about this time he was talking to his ex wife and was bitching at her about something in a very snide tone. I told him he had to be reasonable with her - he’d left her with 4 kids - they’d had to uproot their entire lives because of him (They had to move back to Canada since she did not have a job here and without him, they could not stay - he was not taking custody of them). I asked him if he’d left his wife for this “other woman” that was still being talked about A LOT and he assured me that no, they did not start dating until after his left his wife.
So... during the first two months we talked about lessons he’d learned from his marriage. He said communication and honesty. He said that his wife was uneducated and therefore, couldn’t understand his job like I could (I’m an MBA Finance with a strong IT background). He said she never called him, or did little things for him. Well I DID! All the time... And he reciprocated! He bought a trip to Las Vegas for me for my birthday to see Celine Dion and more. I gave him a trip to see his kids in Calgary alone... he was sooo appreciative...
In mid-July he asked if he could have high-speed internet installed in my house so he could just play EQ here and not go home anymore... I said sure as long as he paid for it.
At the end of July he got hurt and stayed for 8 straight days at my house. One day I was a bit late coming home and he sounded "weird" on the phone when I called to let him know. I had this "feeling" he was going to pack all his stuff and take it home. When I got home, I was right. I called him and asked why. Told him if that was the way he was going to behave that he should never call me again. It was 2 days before he was to leave for Calgary. He told me that he’d packed his stuff and taken it so in case (this is verbatim, I will never forget it), "the plane went down I wouldn’t have to sort through his things and be in all that pain". I said forget it - leave me alone. He kept me on the phone until he turned around and come back.
That Thurs he left for Calgary and called each day to tell me he loved me and couldn’t wait to get back to me. He arrived home on Monday night complete with a gift for me and my son. He then added he wanted to take the next step with me.... and move in. I said it was sudden but let me think about it. We’d only been together for 4 months and I was scared. This was so fast but he was so incredible - except for that temper that would show every now and then - more now than then... and that thing before Calgary and his stuff still bugged me.
We headed to Las Vegas the next week and had a good time. He got mad when I went to the pool and he couldn’t find me but it was nothing that big. He kept pestering me about moving in. I kept saying I needed to talk it through with him and get on the same page. Sept 1 rolled around and he continued bugging me about it. By mid-Sept we were at the local renaissance festival and he was ticked because my son and I were enjoying a really bawdy show. He walked away and we couldn’t find him. That temper! His ex was still emailing him, damn “other woman,” and he said he couldn’t help it if she felt compelled to write him... what was he supposed to do? HE didn’t control her, he said. Forgot to mention - he told me being with her sexually was like being a candy-aholic in a Halloween candy store.
A week later he said that if I wouldn’t let him move in that we’d probably not see as much of each other since he wasn’t going to pay for the rent at his townhouse and not stay there... he hadn’t spent a night there in weeks, all his clothes were at my house…the only thing left were 3 computers he used to play EQ. So, I let him move in.
He started by moving in a desk with his computers on it - 4 of them - all playing different characters in EQ. He was the guild leader and according to him, very well respected.
He was coaching my son’s soccer team when I really noticed how angry he could get. He’d yell at my son for not trying hard enough. He’d yell at me for not having the "proper" equipment for the balls; he’d yell at me for not having the right water bottles and treats for after the game and for also being slow to get to the games. He’d get mad at lots of things but I figured it was just to make us that much better. I really quit spending time with him. EQ took over... by mid October I built a toon just to spend time with him. He was increasingly angry and hostile towards everything - traffic, dumb people at work, life, etc. His parents came during Oct - my first time meeting them. I got a job offer from a big accounting firm, we were all thrilled. So, his parents packed up his townhouse for him, he scheduled the movers, and I learned to play Everquest. I was still so in love with him... even though I saw his temper, I just ignored it.
In November, the day before Thanksgiving, he moved in. He told me he’d have all the boxes unpacked so that I’d not come home to a really messy house. I said not to worry, I’d be there when I could. It was my last day before I left for my new job. I wanted to make sure that everything was final there. We went out for dinner... welcomed each other to our new lives...
Something happened before he moved in though. I was getting my emails on one of his computers and noticed something weird - an email dated BEFORE he told his wife that he was leaving her to this “other woman” saying he couldn’t "wait to hold her in his arms again." He’d lied to me. But I was in love... and just rationalized that he didn’t want me to leave him if he’d told me the truth early on.
There was more... instead of the 6 months that it’d been since he’d been with the “other woman” before me, it’d been about 4 weeks. Instead of dating a woman named ______ while getting divorced, he brought her home to have dinner with his wife and 4 kids... while dating the “other woman” at some point in there.
I was so in love with him though and accepted it all - never said a word but I was stunned. Even though he and my son were not seeing eye to eye. I figured it was my son getting used to having someone else in the house and brushed it off.
In December I started my new job - got plane tickets for us to go to Calgary to see his family on Christmas Day, and bought him an expensive (Tag Heuer) watch... which I’d wanted engraved with "To the sparkler in my heart, I love you"... we had a good time in Canada - his daughter whom he’d told me was the worst hurt in the divorce didn’t come down and his mother called her the "little bitch", but his sons came and were fun.
In January, I noticed he wouldn’t come to my son’s basketball games. He said that it was painful for him to watch when he couldn’t be with his own kids... and then...he got ticked at my son for something, my son told him to "f... off" and he came unglued... strung him up by his neck against the door jamb of the bathroom. I was shocked and stunned and apparently, so battered down emotionally and mentally, I didn’t kick him out then.
For the next few months I lost him completely to Everquest. He said the guild merger was making him spend time keeping his people in the game. He said it relaxed him. He said it was his "out" . . . I played too but he said I was too "low" to come with him - my character was only a 45 and all of his guild was at least 60. Eventually, he let me in the guild so I could play with him but then there’d be zones they’d go to where I couldn’t. I never really saw him anymore unless I played EQ. Unless I paid for the hockey tickets (GO WILD!) or the concerts, we didn’t do much together. EQ or nothing. His temper got worse... he started pounding on desks, kicking chairs, etc. I didn’t know what to make of it.
We looked at buying a house and decided to build one. My home is worth about $650k and the new one was coming in at about $1.2 M... my equity and my income were going to be the bulk of us building. He makes $115k but so much goes to child support and alimony and in addition, he gave her all the proceeds from the house sale (poor guy got taken to the cleaners in that one /sigh)...
Something didn’t feel "right" so I stalled. Then I needed help on the house I own so we could get it on the market and he balked at helping saying he didn’t own any of it so therefore, he would not help... .which was not new. I did the laundry, the cooking and the cleaning up (he refused to do dishes), I did the dog walking/care taking - they are mine but when we first met he’d help me, he stopped doing anything for or with me, unless EQ or a movie once in awhile.
In late July, 2004, I asked him to help me with something in the yard. He said he would after he got done with a raid in EQ. Four hours later, I asked again. He said after the next raid since his "guild needed him " I said I needed him - it escalated. I kicked him out... and 3 weeks later, took him back.
At end of August for my 40th he took me to San Diego. He was talking to this new woman all the time and having lunches with her. While in San Diego she was calling him... even though she herself was engaged.
One night in August he failed to come home right after work and was very vague about where he’d been. He said an attorney for his child support stuff (on a Friday night?) but I bought it... until I couldn’t find the attorney’s name anywhere and he could not show me how he’d found it.
Three weeks later while his parents were at my home a letter came from the title company of a real estate company... the only thing they send out is final approval, closing date, etc... He was buying a new home and not telling me. He’d backed out of it, according to him, since we were working it out. I found out later his parents weren’t going to help him pay for it and that’s really the reason why it fell apart. Of course, he was not telling me about this new engaged other woman either - staying out late from work, going in on Saturdays, seeing her (and of course her fiance’ he said) for lunches, etc.
It got uglier and uglier... by now he’d thrown me off chairs while playing EQ, told me I was a fucking bitch, called his mother a bitch, pounded on the desk when he got mad playing EQ, kicked garbage cans, thrown mice/wrist guards again, had temper tantrums when his guildies didn’t do something right during a raid, and once, he tackled me in the hallway of my house bending my arm backwards across my back to get the wireless access point from it (this after he’d thrown me off the chair saying I couldn’t play on his computers that night because I’d screwed up and me saying then you can’t play it at all since I paid for the wireless access points.)
At Christmas his parents asked me to come up. I did. He greeted me and said he was so thrilled I’d come up to be with him... each night he wrapped himself around me and snuggled whispering "God I love you so much." I bought it. We came home on my son’s birthday - 13th - and had a great night with him. My son, thankfully, went to my parents’ house that night. We got home and he found the letter from court - the one I’d supported him through. It stated his child support was not being reduced... and he went into a rage. Complete and utter rage. Said women were fucking cunts, I was a fucking bitch... then found a chess piece was chipped and said I was a fucking bitch again and had no respect for him, stomped up the stairs, told me in no uncertain terms we were through, packed a suitcase and left.
I was devastated. Four weeks later, he came back saying he wanted to make us a success.
Two weeks after that I found a woman on line in EQ ironically that started playing about the same time this other engaged woman got high speed at her house... amazing how the language of the character in EQ and the new engaged woman were the same. asked him about it - he said I was loony... and then got pissed at me for meddling in his affairs (lol).
In March we drove to Phoenix to see his parents - his temper’s been okay, not stellar but not as bad as it had been - but he was still pretty prickly. We had a decent time down there but... About our sex life - I’m not sure when it started but sometime during the first 6 months he started to tell me fantasies while making love and they ALWAYS had to do with 3-somes. While we’re in Phoenix and making love he asked me if there was someone at work I’d like to fuck... I said no, you? He said yes, there’s this one woman... she loves to fuck me. I went stone cold.
I should add that in December he told me some woman he’d dated briefly after divorce had sent him chocolates and a card asking if he wanted to get "Frisky" - he said in the open and honest way he was treating me, he thought I should know. By the way, he’d never take me to his Christmas parties... and she, his ex girlfriend and all the other women ironically all worked there.
We got home from Phoenix, his guild is dying, and he’s starting to sing really sad songs that he makes up. On April 3rd I was slow in getting ready to go downtown with him (it’s a Sunday) and he leaves without me. He calls at lunch saying he’s on his way home... then shows up at 3... saying he’d done lunch with one of the women and, of course, her boyfriend. I’m pissed. I’d asked if he wanted to join me and he said no he’d pick something on the way home.
On April 8th he asks me where the passion went in our relationship, and I pointed to the 4 computers now in our bedroom (I was having the computer room repainted). He said, that’s it then, I’m ending the guild. He logged on - told everyone they had until Sat to find a new home that he was disbanding the guild after 6 years (!). That was Wednesday. Thurs he told me we had sex problems and we needed to work on that. Friday he told the bar maids I was the love of his life and me that we needed to work on the sex. Friday after the comedy club he told me not to give up on him and us... begged me. Sat. he bought me a rose and said he loved me and hoped we could work things out. Sat. night he ended the guild. Sunday he called the “other woman” and broke up with me... a bit. Monday he woke up wrapped around me and said he wanted to make sure that I felt loved... we went out for dinner that night and he said he wasn’t bolting. Tues I went to Chicago for work and told him to have fun that night with friends... he said to call if I wanted - I said no, have fun! Wed. I get home and he says we’re definitely done. Thurs he moves clothes out. Sat he does weird things - leaving some of his prize possessions buried in closets, moving wrong stereo components for movers to take, etc - I make sure everything is out in the open and he leaves nothing behind... but I’m absolutely devastated. Sun - the movers come and he’s gone.
A month passes and I was searching on match.com to see if there was hope I’d find someone new at some point - something to let me know he was not the last male for me. His profile came up as a match. I read his profile and wants - it was me described to a "t" - I was devastated. I wrote him for the first time. We talked the following Friday for 2 hours... it was a blast! Just like the old days pre-EQ and pre- the “other woman” and pre-... He said he wasn’t sure but wanted to give us a chance - he still wanted me - emphasizing, "I WANT YOU! - did you hear that? YOU!!" I believed him.
Tuesday I went over there - it was passionate, fun, wild...He said he didn’t want a relationship based upon sex so we had to do things outside of that - dates, fun activities, etc. He even told me he was starting up at the health club again (which he knew I’d been going to). He told me which bus he now took to work to save the mileage on his car and the prices. I was so hopeful. Friday we talked a bit - and I left for the weekend. Sunday, I called him when I got back... he sounded depressed. So I went over there to cheer him up - unannounced... that should not be a problem with ex’s trying to work things out, right? He had someone there. The verbal sparring started and ended with me being thrown to the concrete. Both knees got pretty skinned up - one is now infected. The cops were called.
The lies, deceit, cheating,... don’t fully describe the hell I lived in for 2 years, the thrashing my self - esteem took, and the reasons I’m now in counseling.
His wife? His daughter told me that the women I mentioned were all girlfriends he brought home WHILE MARRIED to eat dinner with his wife, his kids, and him. No shit.
That’s my story - there’s more, as you can imagine but blow-by-blow details I was guessing you don’t need. I’m not hurt anymore... my counselor says he’s a danger to himself and society. When I profiled Ted Bundy, he pulls up the exact (!) same profile: narcissistic, pathological charmer, bi-polar, hates women... if he ever flips the "switch" from right v. wrong... I’m scared.
I don’t know where my self-esteem went. I remember being the woman who would not put up with any temper, let alone what I saw with him. I remember being a woman who if any man hurt my son, I’d kill him and I did nothing but try to intervene. I remember being a woman with enough self-esteem to raise her infant while getting an MBA in finance. I remember thinking someday I won’t hurt anymore. And I don’t. But damn, if I’m not pissed. At me for being so lame, and at him for being so cruel.
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