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I thought I had found a wonderful man... someone I could spend my life with for the first time. He was a gorgeous Sicilian man who I thought had it all. About 8 months after we started dating, one day, be FLIPPED OUT on me out of the blue because he said I was looking at another man in a restaurant. He pushed me, shoved me around, and backhanded me before pushing me nearly through a wall. This was a complete surprise. I cried and cried and begged him to stop, but he wouldnt. It lasted about 45 minutes. I never fought back. I just took it. Usually, you hear about men who do that, but there are warning signs. It had almost been a year and he was a perfect angel - plus this was my first run in with any kind of violence. I lived a pretty quiet, peaceful life until now. Because of that, I believed it to be an isolated incident and sent him to get therapy. He did that, and was even put on medication. About 2 months later, it happened again. This time worse. He actually held me captive in my house, not letting me leave the room while he smashed duffel bags on top of me, weighing 50 pounds, tried to throw me down the stairs, dragged me up the stairs by the colar of my shirt, giving me bruises all around my collar - it lasted about 3 hours. It was the worst thing I had ever been through. I was humilated to tell my family or friends (never figured out why I felt that way though...) The problem was that we lived together, and I stupidly felt trapped and stayed, hoping it wouldn't happen again. STUPID. Although I sent him to get therapy in the beginning, I never got help. I just sat around with all of this anger, fear, and guilt about not telling anyone and all of that built up inside of me. So finally about three weeks ago, we got into an argument, and he got loud and pushed me. I dont know what happened.... I just went crazy after that. I started hitting him, throwing objects at him, and even picked up a vase when he was coming at me and smashed it on his head. He had glass cuts all over him, and was all beat up by my fist. I think I was scared and for some reason thought that if I scared him enough or showed that I couldn't be beat up anymore, that he would leave me alone, and he wouldn't hurt me this time. The problem is that I really hurt HIM. He had a concussion, bruised from head to toe and cut from the vase everywhere. His face, stomach, back, EVERYWHERE. He needs surgery on his mouth now too. I am now in therapy, seeking anger management support (I am scared he turned me into a monster - this is something that I have NEVER DONE) I dont want to be like him. I am also seeing a shrink who is trying to help me work through this. What have I done? We are obviously not together anymore but he still sends me horrible emails saying things that he did with other women while we were dating. I can't escape this. Am I a monster now too? Have I turned into someone that I hate? I hate myself for doing that, but at the same time.... I dont.
Originally posted January 18, 2005 by Womansavers Member "Awomanscorned" -- Virginia, USA
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