WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / Sadness

I have poked around here but rarely post these days.  I thought my life was going well in the marriage department.

This is long, but if anyone wants to read it.  Just need to get it all out, and writing is how I do that.

A few weeks ago, I became suspicious of an "old friend" of my husband‘s on FB.  They haven‘t seen each other in 24 years.  I never worried about his friends on FB, but when the red flags started going up, i.e.:

1.  Changing his password because "we were putting stuff on his status" which he was doing to us too.
2.  Wouldn‘t EVER stay signed into FB, even when he would walk away for 2 minutes.
3.  Talking to Pernilla a LOT.  On his Tuesdays day off he would sit at his PC while I worked half the day, then I would clean house, pay bills, take a bath, while he sat.  He now says he did it because he was bored..well, DO THE LAUNDRY, I say.
4.  When I walked over to his PC, he had a chat with her on FB but wouldn‘t click on it no matter how many messages she sent.  He would read his sister‘s chats, respond, scroll up and down his sister‘s chat, play farkle, then check his sister‘s chat again.  Funny, because I don‘t speak Swedish and couldn‘t have understood most of what him and Pernilla were saying anyway.

So one night I asked him if there is something he needs to tell me.  Yes, there was.  He said he was thinking about moving back to Sweden.  I asked if it was Pernilla and he said "huh? No.  I just miss my family." I realize he does miss them so I said I would move with him, but he said no, that we have problems in our marriage (surprise to me, quite frankly, thought we were doing well lately) and it wouldn‘t be a good idea.

So, I kept asking what is going on with Pernilla.  he said absolutely nothing.  I asked him to sign into FB.  I made him show me his messages.  There was one from him to her that very night saying (in Swedish) "nice to hear your voice too.  I‘ll be NERVOUS when I see you...haha."  He told me it just said "nice to hear your voice."  I found out the rest later.  I asked him when he talked to her and he said she had called him on his cell that day while he was at work.  He said she probably got the # off his FB.  Well, there were no calls on his phone, or online at tmobile.  I asked him later that night why he gave her his work #.  He finally said he called her!  From work.  I told him I could report it and get his dumb ass fired.

Since then, he has told me I was right when I was looking for a calling card, that this is how he called her.  I never found it but he finally admitted he bought one to call her with.  He kept saying he only called her because she is a good friend, nothing more.  Even when I made him look me in the eyes and swear.

In the meantime, she wrote back to me and said she was sorry, that she is only human and fell, but she is normally an honest person.  She said she overstepped boundaries.  I asked hubby what these boundaries were.  Now, previously I made him look me in the eye and tell me that they never talked about sex or anything.  After her email, oh yes, they did talk about sex.  They cybersexed.
No video, no pictures, he swore.

So I confronted her again on FB (in the meantime she not only deleted him as a friend but set it up so he can‘t even see she exists.  I can still see she exists and write her).  This time, she was a bit angry and told me that he had said he gets butterflies when he sees her on there (he says he never said that, but was nervous that I would find out, but not butterflies...hmm), that he said we (him and I) had not much left of our marriage, that he dreams of her (he denied), and even though I am down here in the office most of the time, and told her he wasn‘t really masturbating to HER because I would‘ve seen it, she informed me that he was infact masturbating because he sent her videos and pictures.  So he admitted that.

After that came out, I woke him up early and talked about this whole thing.  He admitted it all (except he still says he never said he even had feelings for her) and furthermore, he literally cried all day at work.  I could tell when I called him that he was crying.  When he got home, his face looked like nothing i ever saw before.  It was so red and his eyes were swollen from crying.  He has since been the best husband in the world.  He asks me several times a day how I‘m doing.  He doesn‘t get angry when I‘m sad (like he did with stupid things he did in the past).  He is willing to do whatever it takes, he says, to keep me.  He is buying me flowers, holding me constantly, posting I love you‘s on my FB and his (where her friends and family are still his friends on there).

He is doing everything right, but I am in a tailspin.  The doctor gave me Zyprexa and Xanax to go along with my citalopram that I normally take anyway.  I see her again today and hopefully she will continue me on these.  I‘m fearful that he is doing this to keep me in the dark, even though he looks me square in the eyes and says he wouldn‘t be doing all of this if he was planning on leaving me.  So will time heal?  He said he is going nowhere and that if he ever moves to Sweden, it will be with me or else he won‘t go.  I have called her every name, made fun of her ugly face, and he is okay with that.  So why do I feel so insecure? How long before I feel okay again?

I love him with all my heart, obviously, because otherwise I wouldn‘t be hurting so bad.  I wrote horrible things to the woman.  She knew from the start he is married, as it says it in black and white on FB.  He even put up a profile pic of him and I together! 

He told me it started when she said it has been 4 years since she had sex.  So of course, I wrote her and told her "Four years? Hell, there are men that will f* sheep.  I‘m sure they would lower their standards and f* you as well."  Just stuff like that.  I was very angry. ;)

I just want to know what I need him to do to help me trust him again.  He answers my questions for the most part, without anger (which is new for him) and he keeps asking me what he can do to help me believe him when he says he never told her he had any feelings whatsoever for her.  I don‘t know.  He deleted all the messages.

So now what, girls? I need you, my girls (and guys on here.)

Yep, he‘s had problems in the past.  In fact, I told him while he was crying the other day and saying he was so ashamed, that I think I have an idea of what the underlying issue was, at least this time.  He wants to escape reality but sometimes we do destructive things to escape.  His is computer sex.  This is the first time that it‘s been someone he knows and the first time it went this far to the point where he was going to leave me (still says he isn‘t leaving me and it was all about going back to be with his family again, but his family said if he comes back there, he better be bringing THIS family too).

He needs counseling to get to the root of it.  And I am probably being far too understanding where that is concerned, but at the same time, I just love him.  I can‘t keep putting up with it, and he knows that.  But the look on his face the last few days has told me he is truly sorry, not that he got caught but that he hurt me.  He tells me that often, even when I‘m not mentioning it. 

Also, he is opening up and talking to me more than he ever has!  If this is over, and once I can get past the pain of it, I think some good came of it.  Not that I wished for THAT, but I did wish that he would talk to me about his feelings, his thoughts, his desires, and for the first time in years, he is.  He even mentioned that, that we have talked more in the past few days about things, deeper meaning things, than we have in a few years now.

You are right.  If he didn‘t care, why should she.  I just have a hard time understanding that mentality, especially from a woman.  I guess I figure all women should feel a kindred sisterhood, like we all do.  But some women just don‘t.  It‘s all about THEM.

I told her what it did to my kids.  Her part in all of it.  I doubt she cared about that either.  My teenage son heard me sobbing, and I have to tell you it traumatized him.  Since then, my husband has been spending even more time with him.  They are very close, despite the fact that my husband is his stepdad.  The pain he caused my son torments my husband.  And it should, but again....something good from the bad.

I was just thinking about you!  Missing you really.  I am glad you are here,  I wished it was for a different reason.

Tinkey reading this brought back feelings that I had buried.  I am so sorry that he did this to you, again. 

Tinkey he needs to put you and the kids first,  he needs to stop all the bullshiT and grow up.  He needs to realize that his actions can and do hurt others.  I want to drive there and smack the piss out of him!  (i have a cousin that will do it, he lives in your town. hahaha) 

I wish I had great words of wisdum for you,  I wish I could make the pain stop.  Please take care of yourself, you don‘t need to get sick again.  He isn‘t worth your health!

I have missed you my friend.

Okay sweetie,  I have though more about this  and  I am just going to tell you like I see it!

YOU ARE TO FUCKIN& GOOD FOR HIM!!

He keeps hurting you over and over again. 

I really want to kick his A$$   the more I think about him the madder i get! 

He wanted to move and leave you and his beautiful little girl?? 

I promise you there are men out there that will love you for the wonderful person that you are,  if he isn‘t willing to treat you like a queen then screw him!!

okay sorry I was so mean,  but he puts you thru to much and you are such a wonderful person  you deserve better.

Tinkey,  please reply,  I am sorry if I made you mad.

I am just really worried about you.  I remember my first day posting at WS,  you were there for me,  I felt an instant bond with you.  What wonderful advise you and a few others gave me,  you were my rock!!

I remember being told to post often,  that it would help and it did!

i agree with drew. altho down here you do not need grounds for a divorce so it‘s a waste of time getting evidence of infedelity.

find the money. prepare yourself. once he gets to sweden, you‘re on your own.

i‘m only sorry you wasted so much time on a man that shows his penis to a camera while his family is nearby.

enough is enough.

Hi everyone, and thank you all so much.  I love you all so dearly, even if I don‘t really "know" you.

Sunny, I‘m not mad at all.  I cherish your support.  I just wasn‘t able to sign in for a few days.  Do you have a FB? If so, I don‘t use my myspace much, it seems myspace has almost gone dead with the proliferation of FB.  LOL

He didn‘t get off easy.  He is keeping things where I can see at all times.  His computer faces me, and he‘s not on it much.  I‘m always home (work at home, etc.) so he has no chance of getting on when I‘m not around.  He knows what he has done to me, and it bothers him....I see it in his eyes.  He also saw a doctor and is also on antidepressants.  I know he could easily fall back into his bad habit so I‘m taking a wait and see approach.

Every single day, he asks me how I‘m doing today and has really opened up, talking to me like he never did before.  Oh, he got the worst part of it.  I laid it on the line with him.  She just got a lot of "why" from me, and I have to admit a large portion of that was to get her to open up and spill to me.

He told me all they talked about, how it went, and it hurt deeply, but I remained calm for the most part.  I have already told him the pain.  My dad....not sure how my dad knows...but apparently he made a comment to my husband that he is "pulling a Tiger Woods."  My husband adores my parents and they adore him so he fell from his pedastal a bit.

Not that it is an excuse, and he didn‘t blame me at all for this, but I realized something.  He never goes and does things by himself with others....so Sunday he wants to go fishing with my son, just them two.  He needs that man time.  He also has a lot of stress, which he internalized.  That is why he went to the doctor.  He is willing to do anything, he said, to make me feel secure.

Again, time will tell.  I am leery.  I‘m hurting, and I‘m fearful, but he constantly is reassuring me even when I‘m not asking about it.  He is helping out more around here, which was a big problem before.  In fact, when he has done things in the past, he still internalized and didn‘t talk/blamed me for his behavior which pissed me off more.  This time he is different.  When he apologizes for me feeling down, and if I say "it‘s okay" (not his behavior but just my depression) he says "no, it‘s NOT okay.  It‘s NOT your fault.  It is mine.  And I am going to make this up to you."  Sometimes he just takes me in his arms and says "I‘m so sorry for the things I have done."

This is just different than how he has ever reacted.

I love you all so much.  That kind of love/respect that I have always felt for the people on here (men and women), and the friends I have made. 

Sunny....introduce me to your relative here.  HAHA...never know when I‘ll need someone to bust some kneecaps (kidding of course, but....LOL)