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| uberbeotch |
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Posted: 2/9/2010 2:06 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 489
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Total Posts: 1272
In a Dark Castle
Belarus
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This might sound petty, but it‘s awfully hard to read 1 big, massive paragraph.
Would you pls. go in & edit your original post into paragraphs so we can read it easier? I think you‘d get some responses then.
Thanks,
UB
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| learning |
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Posted: 2/9/2010 2:13 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4
Total Posts: 443
Around the Corner
Nebraska
United States
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IMO, both your actions and his are plausible. There isn‘t a magic potion to get rid of all you feel. It sounds like you got addicted to that situation. It‘s up to you to stop it and decide once and for all that you‘re not going to act like that any longer.
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| shelbelle |
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Posted: 2/9/2010 3:26 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 23
Total Posts: 1391
lalaland
North Carolina
United States
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i think i understand most of what you are saying. i think it is going to take awhile for you to get over being angry and a long time before you trust him again. i think it is like learning said about you deciding what you want going into the future and he is the one for you.
if he did stop talking to her and you keep asking if he did it makes sense to me that he would get mad. he doesnt see for some reason that the reason you asked is because of what has happened in the past and how it was hidden.
what sounds better....taking the time to get over your anger and trying to trust him again or just starting over by yourself?
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| Sunny fl |
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Posted: 2/9/2010 4:39 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40
Total Posts: 5643
sunshine and daisies
Wyoming
United States
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hux, welcome to womansavers.
I am sorry for your pain, I have been there and understand how you feel.
First let me say, he needs to be an open book if you will ever trust him again. If you wake him up at 2 am and ask him a question, he should answer it.
He needs to understand that you need to know what happen so that you can start to forgive and forget.
The fact that he keeps contacting her and that he doesn‘t want to answer your questions, proves to me that he is a liar and something is still going on with them!
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| shally |
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Posted: 2/9/2010 6:22 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 2420
sitting pretty on
Isle of Man
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Welcome and I am so sorry you are going through this. Believe me I understand the pain.
For some reason I don‘t have a good feeling about him. Can‘t put my finger on it. And yes I believe he will continue to be in contact with this girl or find another. He isn‘t a grown up, as you are. The unstable jobs, all the excuses, the blaming you. It bothers me.
I so agree with Sunny. This isn‘t about him anymore, it‘s about you, you healing and him doing whatever it takes to help you heal. And I mean any and everything. He should become an open book. If you have a question he should answer it quickly and honestly and if he isn‘t willing to do those things. Screw him.
You deserve a life filled with love and a man that adores and cherishes, only you. You should feel like THE most loved woman in the room. Love is a commitment to stay faithful - it has nothing to do with you not being enough it‘s about him not manning up.
Never settle, NEVER! Never allow a man in your life that makes you feel second best.
You do whatever it takes to make you happy and place yourself on a course of healing, it isn‘t up to him if he wants to be a part of that healing process, it‘s all up to you. 
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 2/11/2010 7:00 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1667
dublin
Ireland
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| huxleyp wrote: | |
My boyfriend and I have been together for 5 years. After moving from my hometown, he bought a house for us, my son from a previous marriage and our new son. We were naive moving; because we moved without jobs and figured things would just work out. Needless to say they did not.
After his attempt to get us out of the situation by finding jobs elsewhere and him moving with the hopes of me and the kids following. I became stubborn and disconnected.
His last time moving back after taking a job that he of course quit so that we would be together. He broke, completely. He went back to working his fall back PT jobs, he got a job at the local Y, that was Sept, the year doesn‘t matter, just think in months. Things were going along, him working as many hours as he could. I worked at a local preschool, which allowed our young son to attend for nearly nothing.
Sometime in February I found email message exchanges that were between him and who I later found out a co-worker. Very intimate. They started on the 17th, I found out on the 28th. Of course, I lost it, weak, sick, crazed, you name it I felt it. I reacted hastily, as any normal person would at this. very shocking When I confronted him, of course he said the words were more powerful than any in person contact.
This of course lit the fire under my ass to get the house that we could not afford sold. He kept this going for several weeks, months, and still now every so often there are email exchanges. We moved back to my hometown, April 2009, two weeks before my father died. He was still staying in contact with her; he had actually opened another email address.
In May he closed it, I found that out because I pretended to be him on his cell phone through text she asked what happened to email, I of course did what he said he cannot do and that is wrote in words that he could not do this anymore. She, a few days later contacted me and apologized. I have to add that I know every detail there is to know: emails exchanged, attempts to go away together, when we still lived where we were. He did agree to go to counseling.
I have put spy-ware on our computer and I have taken it off several times. Recently I found that he put her in his contacts, to be fair she accepted an invitation that I sent her through his email. A test of course by me.
Like I said this has sent me into a tailspin of crazy behavior. Anyway, he accepted her, deleted her, then put her in his contacts as another person, from his current work, deleted her again, then sent an invite once again, all in one night. The next day it showed that she accepted again.
Of course, I emailed her through my own account and asked if she thought it was appropriate to be in contact with him. I also asked her if he had given her anything that once belonged to me. She said what I thought and said she would be happy to mail it to me. As the day went on I got more and more mad, furious, really. I went to his work and confronted him. I have grown really impatient and need answers almost immediately. He said she had contacted him (through is work account) out of the blue to share some upsetting news, which she was served with custody papers from her ex- on her birthday. He said he wrote her back saying that he was sorry to hear that but it really wasn‘t his business and that he wishes her luck.
I crazed, took that information (thinking another lie) and asked her, actually told her what he said. She emailed me and him (his personal account) for us to go to hell and that if we ever contacted her again she would have police at our house. I highly doubt that could happen being that we live in two different states.
Anyway, back to the situation at hand, the next day we went to our weekly counseling session. He blew up completely, and finally come to the realization 5 minutes before the session was over that my behavior with not wanting to see that we were failing and not wanting to move left him with the feeling of abandonment, when he moved back, he was not himself and he felt like a nobody, and when she approached him and asked him about himself and she was in awe with him, he felt like someone again.
My problem is where do I go from here, because I cannot get out of my head everything he has done, I have absolutely no faith in him with regards to contacting her or her contacting him. Because he can contact her through work. I cannot help but be constantly angry towards him. Nothing he says is good enough, no answer he gives is right for me. I think it is because he has lied but he cannot see that yet. He says he is not ready to be open about this relationship he had with her because it is too embarrassing and hurtful for me and him.
I am not sure what to do. I do still love him very much, I mean I really do say it is unconditional because I am still here, I have always been by his side, I never moved because I know the jobs he was taking were out of desperation not because they were what he wanted. I know that I am the only one who could answer, whether he is worth it, I just don‘t know how to let go of all the pain, anger, hate, and complete crazy behavior that I have become so accustomed to.
Does this sound like it might work? Is his behavior normal? Why does he still get angry every time I ask about his correspondence with her? Is it because he most likely is still talking to her? Just last night I asked if he had been talking to her on the phone during his break. He said he was not going to answer the ridiculous question. Could it be that he is more angry with himself but cannot help but transfer his anger towards me? How much time do I give this? How much more pain do I put myself through? How do I move on in this relationship with so much pain and anger? How do you get rid of the anger one is left with after infidelity? Please help.
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Well...if ya love him "unconditionally" that means, you‘ll love him no matter what he does...so that answers the question really. He‘s betrayed you, you still love him, so stay and put up with it.
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 2/11/2010 10:22 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 3518
Lacey
Washington
United States
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Huxley - I think you‘re being a doormat with this guy. I don‘t mean to sound so judgmental, and believe me, there is a part of me that really understands because I have been there.
I have loved a man so unconditionally, that it didn‘t matter what he did, and while that sounds so noble, it can be so incredibly self destructive. And not only that, guys who treat us like dirt do not respect us for putting up with them. They don‘t have to strive to improve or become better people because we will settle for their crumbs.
They know that whatever awful things they do, we will stay, we will forgive them, we will put up with their antics, and we will try to understand them. And yes, they make us crazy, but the truth is, we make ourselves crazy by staying and putting up with shabby treatment. And deep down, we lose our dignity and self respect when we settle for bad treatment. It is like we are saying to ourselves that we do not deserve better.
You know that he has carried on this extramarital relationship with another woman. You‘ve read the e-mails, etc. You‘ve listened to his excuses. You know the truth. What you need to ask yourself is why you are willing to settle for so little. You deserve a partner you can trust, and you deserve someone who has too much respect for you to lie to you and to cheat on you.
I would boot his ass to the curb, and let him experience some "real abandonment."
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| tula1969 |
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Posted: 2/23/2010 8:11 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 39
Total Posts: 1432
Under an UMBRELLA, England
Great Britain
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Hux,
We read so often posts from women asking what to do when their partners are doing this, that and the other with women.
We read their questions desperate for answers that might just make them feel better or safer. Why does he do this, what do we think, etc, etc?? Women ask, "should we believe them"??
Hux, I have to agree with the others here, I too think if he doesnt carry this on with this particular woman, then he will, with another.
Rhi is so right, when we forgive or tolerate a certain behaviour we are as good as giving them "the go ahead" to repeat it. By forgiveness we set a president. Us allowing them to get away with it one time merely equates we will probably forgive them again next time.
And so on until the day dawns that we realise we cant change them or their behaviour, when we realise the only person and thing we can change is ourselves.
Its really easy for me to type this, but put yourself in his shoes and him in yours! Imagine if you can where he is coming from, even chatting to another woman, what would your motives be and what sad excuses could you make up to him to try and keep the peace?? Would HE fall for them even??
Hux, I‘m no expert but IMHO relationships are built on trust, give and take and thrive on effort from both sides. I worry you‘ll loose yourself in trying to make amends and find excuses for his crap behaviour at the expense of your own self. Stick around and have a good read here, many have been through it and know your pain and dilemna.
Tula 
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| Moogleangelgirl |
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Posted: 2/25/2010 5:01 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 33
Total Posts: 431
Where I live
Texas
United States
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This sounds like an extremely dysfunctional relationship. I suggest you end it. If you keep on the road you are going it‘s going to affect your health. If it‘s truly meant to be the two of you will reunite but you need to do some serious healing first.
This guy, with his infidelity, has very nearly turned you into a psycho chick. Before you get defensive let me tell you I‘ve been there. The constant thoughts and wonderings if he‘s still cheating and pretending to be him through txt and email, while productive in catching him, put you on the road to a nice snug straight-jacket.
You need to break away to heal and grow. It might be very hard for you to trust ANY man you will enter into a relationship after this. I‘m very lucky to have found a good man to help me heal, and let me tell you, he had to put up with a LOT of mistrust.
If you choose to stay, I wish you the best of luck. We will all be here for you no matter what.
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| persefone |
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Posted: 3/16/2010 5:19 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 985
Total Posts: 5
sf bay
California
United States
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I agree with other posters...but...before you boot his arse to the curb...insist a vasectomy is the only way...that way your child will be free from having to play seconds and thirds to his string of future relationship failures. This goes for all women with children from rotten relationships...
Don‘t let on your intentions to end your marriage until AFTER the vasectomy stiches are healing. . proactive planning and prevention.
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| Sunny fl |
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Posted: 3/17/2010 3:48 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40
Total Posts: 5643
sunshine and daisies
Wyoming
United States
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| huxleyp wrote: | | although i came here looking for some advice, i am highly disappointed with all the responses. i really wasn‘t looking to here from man haters. i was really looking for some sound advice that was somewhat unbiased. guess not here. currently we are going to counseling and he seems to be doing the best he can with the situation. i do have hope that things don‘t have a negative outcome and i am not at all going to sell myself short. i am not going to settle either. but for you all to be so negative and man haters i beg to take any of your advice seriously. i was looking for a support group to help in the healing process not to just give support on giving up and finding something new. |
You asked we told you! I for one am not a man hater!
I love my man, even if he isn‘t perfect, I just will never settle for a cheater again!
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 3/17/2010 6:42 PM |
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Subject: advice on relationship |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1667
dublin
Ireland
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| huxleyp wrote: | |
although i came here looking for some advice, i am highly disappointed with all the responses. i really wasn‘t looking to here from man haters. i was really looking for some sound advice that was somewhat unbiased. guess not here. currently we are going to counseling and he seems to be doing the best he can with the situation. i do have hope that things don‘t have a negative outcome and i am not at all going to sell myself short. i am not going to settle either. but for you all to be so negative and man haters i beg to take any of your advice seriously. i was looking for a support group to help in the healing process not to just give support on giving up and finding something new.
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Sounds like your angry...you need to ask yourself who you are really angry with...a group of women who have been through what you have been through and are giving you what you asked for "advice" based on their own experiences...or are you angry at something else? Maybe you could bring all of this to your next counselling session.
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