WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / D-Day is close, Narcissist is raging

I am in the women‘s only forum just in case the STBX decides to pop in and read. 

I expected my husband to start pulling stuff.  I got a phone call from my attorney yesterday stating that my husband wants to settle.  I expected him to be over the top.

He is..... For a brief few hours I had hope that maybe I had finally made him understand that he is not in control anymore.  I thought maybe he would finally just get it, that he is wasting money and time. I had hoped he was going to cut his losses and walk away.

Nope.  He is making ridiculous wants...visitation from Friday at noon to Monday at noon alternating weekends then overnights 24 hours on 3 nights a week.  Basically he still has it stuck in his head that if he somehow magically manages to get over half time with the kids that he will not have to pay support.

Meanwhile my children don‘t even want to go there.  He is the same as when he was here.  Yes, he goes to pick them up, but they are mere pawns in his game so he ignores them once they get there.

My daughter and son told me that he makes them dinner but he and his girlfriend do not sit down and eat dinner with them.  Instead they sit at the other end of the table and smoke cigarettes with the window cracked open while my children are eating.  My son who is 6 said there is no way to get away from the smoke in the house over there.  The pediatrician told me that because my son has some symptoms of asthma that he should not be around it at all.  I have written H with emails telling him this.  It falls on deaf ears over there. 

I told my attorney to not even bother trying to negotiate.  I told him we were dealing with a narcissist.  He thinks that we may be able to hash out a few things and agree upon them.  I just see myself as being caught in the middle with a ton of legal bills.

I have to be in tomorrow morning with my attorney all day (expensive!).  Court is on Wednesday.  This is stressful.

I bet you are at your wits end...But all this is a neccessary evil to get him officially out of your life as much as you can.

Deep breaths...

As far as him smoking around his child who may have a breathing condition...What a selfish bastard! It shows his lack of consideration for family...

Hang in there...do the best you can...and stay strong for your kids like you are...they need at least one good parent...And you‘re setting a great example for them.

i cant imagine what you are going through. i so hope you have a good lawyer and that what the kids want somehow gets known to whoever decides these things.

your stbx sounds like such a jerk!

Miss Luvly, I remember that day in divorce court so well.  Your description of your ex-husband‘s antics brought it back to me so clearly.  The final hearing that was supposed to take place at 9:00 AM did not occur until 4:30 PM because he just wanted to "fight."

You are right.  He just doesn‘t want to give up control.  It is amazing how ridiculous the demands become.

If you‘ve ironed out a parenting plan, then just refuse to budge.  Be vigilant on that one, because it affects you & your kids and anything you agree to, you are stuck with.  You can argue that any changes in the plan, at this time, would be too disruptive to the children.

One of my ex‘s last demands was he wanted to go through the family pictures one more time.  We had already divided the family pictures.  I had even given him all the negatives for the sets that I had, and he had taken several out of the house already.  Division of property was over, and he was grasping at straws.

I finally smirked and said, "Is he sure he wants to divorce me?  Seems like he is coming up with a lot of excuses to continue to get together!  The answer is NO."

You‘ll be fine Miss Luvly.  I have no doubt that you will walk out of the courtroom - not only in one piece - but the victor.  One of these days, this unfortunate experience will be completely behind you.

Good luck!

Miss Lovely,  my ex was trying to get Alimony from me. He hadn‘t paid me one cent in 2 years of child support or helped with any of the household bills.

We went to mediation and he wouldn‘t even talk to me,  we mediated in seperate rooms.  He even requested that the judge make me hire somebody to paint the house so that it looks great when we sell it.  WTF  I can paint the inside for 150.00 worth of paint or hire somebody for 1500.00.

The judge shut him down!  He hadn‘t turned in paperwork and they told him if I wanted to press the issue then they could hold him in contempt of court.

They made him look like an ASS. 

The judge isn‘t stupid, they see this everyday.  The feel like they are having there time wasted because mediation should have worked. 

Hang in there, stick to your morals,  don‘t let him get you down  and the fact that he smokes around your son  shows what an ass he is!

Thanks for all the prayers!  I‘m gonna need em‘!  It‘s just as you said Rhiannon.

He first declined our negotiation.  My attorney told him was a one time offer.  So then he had his atty call back and say they agree.  Now, he changes his mind about  every little thing.

  I already told him once about 3 months ago that he must be still in love with me cause he wouldn‘t settle and divorce me.  LOL  That confused the hell out of him.  He ran around telling everybody that I thought he still loved me.  I‘m surprised that sarcasm was lost on him.  He was always good at dishing it out.

I did make him promise to not smoke around the kids or in his home when he has the kids.  I got it in writing.  Tonight he had the kids...and you guessed it they came home reaking of smoke.  My son said "Daddy was smoking in the house again". 

Tomorrow is court.  He wants all the crazy hours of visitation, overnights during the school week etc.  There is more but just in case I don‘t want to spill the beans.  I will write tomorrow.

I was in the attorney‘s office til 5:45 today. 

oh and Rhi....He wants me to make copies of all the kid‘s photos!...LOL and He wants the Trombone back that he gave my son! How pathetic!  He doesn‘t know how to play it, but it was his in highschool.  My 15 year old was invited to play in concert band one year before he was supposed to be in that band as a sophmore.  

My son said no biggie, he plays guitar and piano as well.   WHAT A JERK!

  I am officially a single woman.   The divorce is done.

I had to give up a lot in order to just get the divorce.  I waived my right to the spousal support the judge had ordered, waived his back child support that he owed (about $7,000) waived any right to his retirement, stocks and 401k.

In return I got to keep my home, my business and anything else that was in the house.  That is including the 4 poster bed that he wanted.

We did NOT back down on the parenting plan.  He did not agree to it, so we told him that part would be heard by a judge.   Since he was going to make that something the judge had to hear we were going to ask for 1 day during the week for visitation.  He was currently getting 2.  So then he changed his mind again and he agreed to the 2 days during the week from 3 to 7 and every other weekend.  But there will NEVER be any overnights during the week.

After him stalling and changing his mind and breaking down and crying for the last two days he finally agreed to the settlement.  I asked my attorney what he was crying about.  He said that he was saying how mean I was to him when I kicked him out.  Something about his suit getting ruined cause his pizza stone got put on top of it in a box.  He also said we (as in me and the kids) shredded something.  I have no idea what. We didn‘t shred anything so this was a made up fabrication.

I never made eye contact with him once.  He got the trombone from my son.....and then told him he missed him.  What an ass.  He asked my son if he had anotother one to play.  My son just lied to him and told him he was renting one.  He didn‘t want to get into it with him, or have some excuse where now he would have to reaccept the gift that my ex had given 4 years ago and was now taking away.

I thought I was going to be breaking down in court.  I didn‘t shed a tear.  I watched in fascination as my X went through his drama game.  But now if felt like I was just someone watching from a distance.  He was trying his best to act like a victim, and how sad he was.  I found it amusing because he is the one who is living with the girlfriend.

He also wanted something put in the divorce stating that if either one of us should remarry that the other couldn‘t see the new spouse‘s income.  It seems that he has plans to marry the old lady he is with.  I say old lady because she is 10 years older than him and she is pretty wealthy.  I wonder how long it will be until he starts treating her like he treated me.  With a bunch of money at stake, he is going to have to be a good boy for a long time.  Without any drama or temper tantrums....un huh.  Like that‘s gonna happen.

As soon as court was done I went out for lunch with my son.  I then called a few friends who took me out bar hopping starting at noon.   Yes....at noon.  I had a great time introducing myself using my maiden name.  The last place we went to there were not one, not two but 3 ex-boyfriends there.  It was pretty humorous.  At least my girlfriends and I thought so.

While we were there I met a guy who was sitting at a table with some other friends of mine.  He wasn‘t drinking and doesn‘t drink period.  He hasn‘t had a drink in 16 years.  He appointed himself our designated driver.  He is incredibly handsome and very much a gentleman.  He brought my friends home and he offered to cook for me.  We went to his house and he made me a late night breakfast.  He then asked me when was the last time I had just been held. 

He just held me and cuddled me for about two hours.  It was exactly what I needed.  I feel like someone sent me an angel.  I don‘t know if he was just being nice to me for the night because it was my divorce night.  Whatever his reasons or means, I am grateful for him. 

And that my dear woman saver friends was how my Divorce day ended.

Thanks for the Cheer, and thanks for the dance!  I spent a bit of today feeling kind of sad, but really just wondering what now am I going to do in my life.  Melancholy maybe would be the right word?

I will have to get a second job to pay off the attorney bills.  Over $11,000 last I saw.  Strange as it may seem I would rather give it to my attorney than my ex. 

I needed someone who would stand up and not take any crap.  He was the attorney to do that. My X‘s attorney spent most of his time babysitting my babbling idiotic X husband.

You ask what did I see in him?  Well he certainly wasn‘t showing any of these kind of faults when I met him. 

 He was the sweet guy who  was so patient with my kids that he didn‘t get upset when they were too scared to leave the dock and we had to sit in the boat tied to the dock for an hour and a half before my son would feel comfortable enough to go out in the lake with it.

He drove 50 miles every day to come and see me.  He came in with kisses and hugs.  He was very interested in kissing me always.  He would bring little gifts.  He called daily, while at work, or he would send me emails.

9 months into marriage he was screaming at me, ignoring, throwing things and had been having lunch with a girl who had a crush on him.  Later he would be diminishing anything that my kids wanted to do.  He would refuse to even go to a picnic or a park with us.  If he was talked into it, we had to walk on egg shells to make sure that everything was perfect.  Praying that there wouldn‘t be too many bugs, because that would upset him.  If not, hopefully it wouldn‘t be too sunny...etc etc. etc. 

 He married me...A woman who lived ON a lake.  And he secretly hated swimming or fishing.  He openly stated he wanted to pave the earth, and he saw no reason to want to go outside for anything.  I ended up selling my lake home, my boats, my pontoon.  Now, I have to work to get back to who I was.   Because that is who I was.  Life was slower paced.  I felt like I was on vacation every day by living on the lake.

Did I see that coming?  How could I?  He is two people.  There is the guy he wants all to believe that he is sweet, honest kind, SUPER SMART, helpful etc.  Even HE believes he is this sweet guy.  He actually read and studied a book called "The Art of Loving".  He had to read this, because otherwise he couldn‘t put up the facade for so long.

Since I am free now I wonder if I should warn the new girlfriend that he is using her for money?  What do you think?  She‘ll be selling her dreams too.

How does it feel to be single again???

I understand just what you mean about not crying,  I did the samething,  not one tear.  I signed away over a 20 year marriage with out one tear,  it just felt right!

Miss Luvly - I am delighted for you that D-Day is over, and that finally - at long last - you are divorced.  Although I know you feel a lot of melancholy (which is very normal), I would imagine you are also feeling tremendous relief.

Yes, I could write volumes about the man my ex-husband "pretended" to be - how loving and "romantic" he was in the beginning - and what a shock it was to discover the "real" man.  I can relate to everything you said about that.

What my kids noticed - after we were divorced - was how their dad (my ex) would change his personality (and his interests) according to whatever woman he was with.  Right after the "separation" he decided to "get religion" and go clean cut.  When he remarried, he took up watching cooking shows and football with his new wife.  Nothing wrong with this - mind you - but these were activities he wouldn‘t be caught dead doing when he was married to me.  I guess he also got on the kids for cussing (nothing wrong with that, either) while every other word out of his mouth when we were married was the "F" word.

He would try to turn himself into whatever he thought his prospective woman would want, but then after the wedding, he‘d turn into himself again, and then berate her. 

All I can say is that it is still such a huge relief to be rid of him.

Life is going to get a lot better for you, and you will find "you" again.  And I have a feeling that there is a "lake house" out there waiting for you.

If there is one positive thing that came out of the last divorce for me, is that I really appreciate happiness now.  I am grateful for the life I have, and I take nothing for granted.

Miss...about warning the new girlfriend...I‘ll put it to you like this.

At the beginning, when he was being so sweet, the man of your dreams...if someone had come up to you and said "Hey, he‘s not what he seems, you are going to get hurt"...would you have dumped him? Would it have changed anything? You‘d have told him, "Hey, such and such warned me about you" and he‘d have told you all about how jealous/crazy such and such was and been so convincing that you‘d have believed it.

Don‘t bother with the warnings miss...if anything, it will make her cling on tighter, let her see it for herself.

Congratulations, Miss Luvly - you are FREE!

Well....to an extent. You don‘t have to deal with him as a husband anymore, but will always have to deal with the ex in some way, because of the kids.

I wish you all the best in that. I hope things run smoothly & the azzhole STOPS smoking around the kids! If you got that in writing, perhaps you can tell him if he DOES smoke around the kids, you will take him back to court & get the visitation rights changed. What a dick! It‘s one thing to pollute your own lungs, but to do it around your own children & make them breathe your 2ndhand smoke, especially one who has asthsma? That‘s completely f-ed up!

You will be a little sad for a while. It‘s normal to grieve the loss of a marriage...the loss of what you thought it might be...but it will get easier & you will feel much better. Every day you will feel better!

Good luck in you NEW LIFE!

UB

fastgetaway started a tradition of giving the newly single a "divorce cake".

congrats on fighting for your freedom, it‘s worth every penny.