WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / Pros and Cons of Leaving my Abusive and Cheating Husband

Good for you Sunhine.  I am proud of you.  You have taken a very big step and I am sure it hasn‘t been an easy one.  Just keep focusing on the positive.  It takes a lot of courage to do what you have done.

I hope you will continue posting.  I wish you a happier and better life ahead.

I was going to say after reading the thread title only "is there cons?"  But I can understand there is.  It takes huge huevos to move on and out of a abusive relationship and start over.   It ain‘t easy!! 

Thank you so much for your encouraging words ladies! I plan on continuing to post here and have become a fan of this site over the past few weeks, and look forward to getting to know other‘s who have been through similar experiences as mine. It‘s great that there is a site like this to find encouragement and be able to have a voice to express our experiences, and all that we are going through.

Take care!

That pro list is a lot longer than the cons! I bet you could add something to the pro list everyday.

Stay strong!

Sounds like a new topic....List the pros and cons of leaving a abusive butt ache.

I love your pro‘s list - definitely an inspiration. I‘m going to write them down, I need them. You rock and God Bless You for a truly courageous step - many people don‘t get that it can be one of the most frightening/not knowing, what will be next and the second guessing of ourselves doesn‘t help either. You should be very proud of you, thank you for sharing!

Thanks for the encouraging words icannotcarewhy! I‘m so glad that my pros list has helped you and I wish you all the best with your journey!

Thank you for posting this!

Your Pro list had brought up something that I had suspected my husband of doing but thought it might be a bit over the top.  That part was the flaunting of affairs.  He would get angry with me before for "snooping and suspecting".  So I stopped.  He would just deny it anyway.

Then at the end he came home from work and told me he "accidentally gave our home telephone number out to his ex girlfriend".

I believe he was flaunting it. It was meant to hurt. 

I kicked my hubby as well.  It will be a year ago tomorrow.  My kids and I have a much closer relationship. You are right. 

Thanks for the advise on getting the courts to appoint a court advocate to monitor what is going on with my son when visiting his dad overanout! I will speak to my lawyer about this and perhaps, if I need to, I will do this in the future. For now, things seem to be working out  with my ex and our son on visits, as far as I can tell. He is only two, so he can‘t speak for himself, but I watch for reactions and changes in his behavior, etc, and so far he seems to be very happy after he spends time with his dad. My ex- husband adores his son, but thinks of him as an extension of himself and not as an individual, so that bothers me for his future, for sure! I will definitely keep the court advocate idea in my "back pocket"  for the future, if I need to use their services. Thanks again and for your supportive words. They help a lot to get through this awful transition period that sometimes feels so liberating and other times, feels like sheer hell!

Miss lovly1 I‘m so glad my Pros list has helped to clear up your suspicions about your husband flaunting his affairs when you would suspect something was happening and would try to get proof. I did the same thing with my ex and he would of course deny everything and then twist the conversation around to blame me for something that happened way back in the past, or insult a member of my family. When I confronted him about being unfaithful to me one time, he called my mother pathetic and said that his family didn‘t think very much of me, just to deflect his blame onto me and my family! He would also flaunt his affairs by bringing up conversation or somewhere he had gone with his girlfriend and refer to her as " someone". He also had received gifts from one of his girlfriends for our son and he would flaunt these in front of me. Some examples are clothes she had given to our son that he would dress him in, lamps and books, etc. He would also get turned on by doing this in front of me, which is totally disgusting!

I‘m glad to hear that you have left your abusive husband and congratulations on being one year free from abuse! Good luck!

HI Sunshine 04,

Your Lists are very good. And may I add, that you will find your Pro‘s list grow and grow.

On your cons list I would like to suggest,

re:

·         lack of communication with him on parenting of our child

that is there is no restraining order or no contact order and he has internet you may in time learn how to share without fear your suggestions or requests regarding your child(ren) when you feel stronger. Using a matter of fact communication style and please and thank you, not blaming or anticipating blame or criticism, you might be able to share your thoughts on parentng. It also depends on whether you wish to engage him in discussion.

re:

·         Family unit is broken

Dear Mom,

You have a family. You and your child or children.

What you had before with the abusive cheater was something else. Actually it was not a "unit" because he was not "in" the family as you and your children are "in" with each other.

Now you have an intact family, rather than a family who are being destroyed by someone who choose to focus their energy outside the family and against the best interests of the family.

Congrats on making a new lovely family, an intact one is the one you have now! As you described it‘s a much lovelier living arrangement.

re:

·         Miss the intimacy that we shared

I really hope you keep sharing your progress with us, because I would bet in time you are going to be sharing with us, that you found out what real intimacy is between a husband and wife. Some people can bring out emotions which feel good and warm, but which are not substantial compared to the real thing. Talk with any woman who has the real thing and there is a glow, a solid grounded feeling. Now had you stayed with Mr. Cheater, you would be cheating yourself out of the opportunity for the best of the best relationship. Now you have a genuine chance of having intimacy which is not fleeting, but a warm glow, a solid feeling. Good for you giving yourself this chance.

·         Lonely sometimes

That is really tough at times. I am going to assume you had plenty more of that when with Mr. Cheater. Am I right? We have to be lonely after being with an abuser so we "make room" for the nice guy coming our way. However, once you start living for you more and enjoying yourself, you will have less and less time for lonely and find the time alone is more for "you time". Even people in healthy relationships are sometimes lonely while their loved one is away or has a very busy time taking care of things.

It really sounds like you are doing well and I like your list. I think it‘s motivating for anyone to read.

All the best

Kerry

Dear Kerry,

       Thank you so much for the post! I love your perspective on how to turn the cons list to a pros list. You are absolutely right  and I really appreciate you writing this for all of us who are going through or  have gone through a break up, or will some day break free for good from an abusive/ cheating partner. It is truly heartbreaking at times, and liberating and healing at the same time. It is bittersweet, you might say, but it  is worth every tear shed, and all the stress involved, as I’m learning. You are absolutely right when you say that the family unit is stronger, once you leave the abusive cheater, and that he wasn’t contributing to the family, but his outside interests were destroying our family. We are a much stronger family without him now and we are feeling better and stronger everyday that we are on our own.

        Thanks again for your insightful and hopeful message. I know your words will inspire many woman who read these posts!