WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / help me please controling husband

Ashley:  Since you have access to the Internet, you have access to a lot of information.  See if there is a shelter network in your area.  See what resources there are for battered women.  Call them.  Get a free consultation from an attorney, and find out what your legal rights are.

Do you have parents who could help you?  Any family that you could stay with?  Any friends?

If you "wait" to "have the money" you will never leave him.  Or it will be a very, very long time before you do, and in the meantime, you are endangering your own life and the lives of your children.  I did the same thing, and was stuck for years.  I was so worried about paying the bills and providing for the children, and I needed his income to do all that.  But for all the bills I paid, he kept running up more, and he kept spending. 

The man will keep you destitute because that is what keeps you trapped, and it‘s fear that is holding you back.

Stop talking to him, stop listening to him, and make a safety plan.  Information is power. 

Hang in there, Dear.  Let us know how we can help.

I‘m gonna tell you what my father told me.  You can wish in one hand, crap in the other and see which one gets filled up first.

be glad you‘re not standing in front of me because I would personally boot you in the butt. I also am 43 and omg all I am reading is excuses I use to use. First off you have depression..no if and or buts about it, low self esteem. Haven‘t been to this site in awhile, started here when LMM started it. Heres the first post I read..yours. I also am 43 yrs old, second time divorcee‘

Let‘s see ex was super controlling, had him in jail 3 times on domestic. He constantly threatened to divorce me due to knowing my low self esteem and all the excuses you are using. First off...life is like having a baby..you‘re never financially ready for it. Second of all wtf are you wasting your money on lottery..imaging the money you could be saving, and can‘t be too broke if you‘re playing lotto.

I went to a psychiastric and she got me on depression meds and it brought me to my old self before my first marriage. My ex hated it! But oh well. Like my second marriage, no money, ours went to his drinking and child support to his exes. I was working 53 hrs a week and still broke. There are cleaning jobs out there and Always hiring. Trust me can make some decent money with them too. Second I sat on the phone 30 mins to get on the waiting list for housing assistance. There is subsidized living out there that no income is required. So there so far are a couple of your excuses I have just shot down. I too didn‘t want to start over...after yrs of him threatening divorce I went out in 2007 and filed...legal aid darling. Shocked the hell out of him I stood up to him. Told him he threatened it...I made it happen. I got the house. When you file you put a personal protection order on his butt. Not going to say it is all easy, trust me there were times I almost took him back. Feeling i couldn‘t do it. It‘s amazing what it‘s like to finally get the bed to yourself, be able to listen to the radio again with your music, and have a life again. It‘s empowering. Now he‘s in bad health and with me kicking him out karma has hit him. I sent him back to his ex..only one who would take him. Made the man think hard. Gave him a attitude adjustment. Now I am the one with the house, new mustang, and suddenly I‘m not the stupid **** he always thought I was...his words. We‘re seeing each other again, not living together, he asked to remarry and I told him cold day in hell. I have a 19 yr old daughter myself and can‘t stand her b/f. After being raised by her step dad and seeing me take the abuse she followed in my steps. Now trying to help her get out of my **** ups...don‘t want to see her live the stupidity I lived with. You are teaching your daughters that abuse is ok. Drop the excuses...one of mine was..."I don‘t want to relearn another person, I know what to expect with him"

Just because you ask a domestic shelter for help does not mean you have to live there...they having counseling free to help you get away. They will show you you‘re options and how to survive. Like the ladies here have said..here for support, but you just keep repeating yourself.

Blessed Be.

Ashley - Don‘t kid yourself that your kids are not affected.  They are firsthand witnesses, and the effects of domestic violence may not show up for many, many years afterward.

By staying, you are showing them that domestic violence is acceptable, and that women are powerless and have to put up with it.  The point is - they don‘t.

Harley is right.  Leaving is hard, and there is no such thing as being ready for it.  If you are waiting to have money, you will never have it.  And hoping for the Lotto is a myth that many of us buy into that rarely pans out for the majority.

When most women become "ready" is when they‘ve had the **** beat out of them, and they‘re afraid to go home.  And then they leave with the shirt on their back, and often with kids in tow.  If you know this is what you want, you can come up with a safetly plan.

I don‘t blame you for not wantng to stay in a women‘s shelter.  But you need to do something, and I can tell you that they will direct you to the resources you need.  You have nothing to lose by talking to them.  They often have battered women‘s support groups, and I encourage you to go to one if you can.  You would be surprised how much help is out there.

And if you had to file for public assistance, it wouldn‘t be the end of the world.  Better than putting up with a violent man.

ashley...forgive me for saying this if i am wrong. these women are very wise and are taking their time and energy to put their thinking into your situation. each time your response seems to me to be a bit defensive. maybe it is because with a husband like yours being defensive was a survival thing.

what i would ask you to do is listen and be open to the spirit of what they have to say. until your last post it seemed like you were waiting for things to happen and had no time frames.

i agree with the other ladies that waiting merely means more of the same and your children are effected whether they show you or not.

i could only say to do all you can to leave now and stop this treatment of you and your children regardless if you have a job, win the lottery, or whatever.

you will be in my thoughts.

Ashley - I can tell you where it got me to "wait" until I had the money.

1)  We had a house - which I ended up with in the divorce.  The house had been refinanced so many times that it had little to no equity left, and the payments jacked up because of all the "refi" activity.  All it took was missing 3-4 child support payments and a car accident, and I ended up losing the house.

2)  He filed a Chapter 7 bankruptcy as soon as the divorce was filed, which stuck me with 100% of the community property debt (instead of over 50%) and all the creditors came after me anyway.  I fought the good fight of trying to get out of debt for 5 years before the laws changed, and I finally did a Chapter 7 myself.  It did not "pay" to try to pay all those bills.

3)  Once I finally filed the Chapter 7, I realized that that was what I should have done all along.  The stress, and toll on my health, in addition to dealing with an abusive, violent man was not worth it.

4)  I had had a really good job that I ended up losing because of all of the stress and drama of living with an abusive spouse.  I tried very hard to be "professional" but it was hard to hide it when he insisted on calling me at work screaming over the phone.  In losing the job, I took a huge cut in pay. 

5)  Everything I feared came to pass, but in the end, those hardships were still better than living with a violent, crazy man.

It will show up in your kids.  It can be very humbling when they finally tell you how they really feel about a lot of things.  What happened to Harley also happened to me with one of my daughters.  My daughters put on a brave front while he was in the house, and for a while after he left, but eventually, I had real teen rebellion on my hands.  I don‘t think they felt it was "safe" to express it with their dad, so it was much easier to take it out on Mom.  One of my daughters (the one who was most like me, and who I had the best relationship with) "got in touch with her anger" and decided she no longer wanted a relationship with me.  She didn‘t tell me why she was angry - just showed me in every passive/aggressive way possible - that she didn‘t want anything to do with me.  That relationship is slowly improving, but we‘re talking 6 years of estrangement.

Often it is the battered spouse who the children end up being the most angry with.  The reason for that is because it is a mother‘s job to protect her children.  DV steals a childhood.  Their home should be a safe place. 

Only last week did the youngest daughter share with me what her perspective was.  Trust me - they are affected - in more ways than you know.

Talk to a women‘s shelter, and see what resources are available in your community.  See what can be done to help your situation.  Knowledge is power.