WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / My daughter is in an abusive relationship and I need help

My daughter who has BPD is in a relationship with a very verbally abusive "fiance". His tone of voice and choice of words are naturally loud and critical. It is the style his family all adopts. But he is extremely verbally critical of my daughter all of the time. Everything she does is wrong.

She has loved and taken care of his 6 year old for 5years and the child is the reason she gives for staying. He won‘t go to any form of counselling or therapy and abuses prescription meds when he can get them. He is flirtatious with other women and I believe he would be classified as textbook narcissistic. Unfortunately, having read the description of such a person I think my daughter used to display similar behavior before they met.

There are very few times he is kind or gentle with her. Everything is "my" or "mine", particularly when he refers to "my daughter". He idolizes the child almost to the point of obsession. He controls their finances making sure that any money my daughter earns is immediately removed from her account. He spends impulsively without regard to upcoming financial commitments. She knows that without her income he - and more importantly her child - would lose their house. 

I cannot fully convey how verbally abusive he is. Even when being nice to her it is done unpleasantly. Once she recorded him and played it back to him later. He was horrified and did change for a while. A short while. My daughter says that if he would just be nice to her and change how he talks to her, she would stay.

I hesitate to counsel her as she is an adult with pschological issues of her own which I don;t know how do deal with. The fiance seems to push her to have ‘episodes‘ and then call us to tell us how unmanageable she is. Please give me some guidance.

Ruthie:  I am sorry that your daughter is in a horrible relationhip like this.  It has to be very hard to be a mother and stand by and watch it.  It sounds awful.

You have to handle this with extreme care.  Sometimes the last person that daughters want to listen to is their mother.  Sometimes when mothers speak, all that the daughter hears is criticism, and sometimes that can make things worse.

All you do is be there for her.  Call her often.  See her as often as you can.  Assure her - every chance you get - that she is loved, and that you care about her.  Tell her what a good person she is, and say things to build her self esteem.  And let her know that if she ever needs anything, that you will always be there for her.  Lots of emotional support and unconditional love is the best gift that you can give your daughter.

You can‘t let on to the husband that you are disapproving, or he will up the ante on the abusive behavior and try to cut off all ties to you.  That‘s a tough one, but absolutely necessary.

If she ever complains to you about him, you can tell her that you do not think he treats her very well.  Be careful not to go crazy saying what you really think, because it could backfire.

Articles on domestic violence - verbal abuse - laying around, might raise her interest.  Don‘t push it on her, just "plant seeds."

The hardest thing about being a parent is allowing them to live their own lives, make their own choices and their own mistakes.  It is not easy.

I think a time will come if you are just there for her.

Ruthie,  I agree with Rhi!

Be there for her,  listen to her.  But she is going to have to be the one that says ENOUGHT! 

If he feels that you are bad mouthing him,  he will make sure and bad mouth you every chance he gets,  if he is that controlling,  he may try to keep her from seeing you.

Good luck to you!