WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / Had an affair... feel so much remorse, but need advice. PLEASE

So I had been friends with this guy for about 3 years. About a a year ago we started hanging out. He was going through a rough patch in his marriage and had wanted to leave her but she suffered from severe depression so he was afraid to leave her. We would just meet up and talk. It was all very innocent at first. Well, after a while, a kiss led to touching, and touching led to sex. We had sex about 3 times and then hung out a few more times after. I have not seen him in about 9 months and since then, I have felt very guilty about what happened. Then just a few days ago, his wife hacked into his facebook and posted that her husband cheated on her with me and what she wrote was very explicit. I am beyond regretful and feel so bad for this sin I have committed. I have no clue how she found out as he would not talk to me and then once she started sending me harassing text messages I told her to leave me alone or I would file a PPO. I dont know what to do because I am so fearful that my reputation is going to be ruined. So far I have just denied everything. Please give me some advice without being mean. I know I am a horrible person for participating in this. I feel so awful. : ( I am just so scared my reputation will be ruined forever.

First off,  I will try not to be mean. 

You are worried about your reputation,  when you should be worried about the life of the woman that you betrayed! Both you and the husband  deserve what ever you get. 

But don‘t worry you can always move away so people will not know that you screw married men.  Maybe in a few months you will be old news,  maybe you will always be remembered as a woman that has no morals.

Maybe you should think before you take your clothes off.

I know what I did was wrong. And no matter what anyone thinks, I feel terrible about what I did and feel very bad for the wife. That is why I stopped it 9 months ago. I have no idea how it finally came to surface almost a year later. But regardless, I know that I am a horrible person. I just wish I knew what I could do to salvage my reputation.

I recently started going to church and repent my sins.

Does your husband know of the affair? Does the wife of the OM know of the affair? Your reputation is the least of your worries.

My take on your posts are that you are not remorseful at all because you are woried about YOUR reputation. If you were really remorseful you would be concerned with the two lives that you and the OM have screwed up.

God will forgive your sins but you had better be worried about that wife.

Sounds to me like you earned every bit of your reputation.  Now you can wear it like a scarlet A badge.  You may not like it but you deserve it.  You can‘t tell me you didn‘t see where this friendship was headed. 

Does anyone own their mistakes these days??   Do people have morals anymore?   Where the hell has self control gone???

Healthcare doesn‘t need a overhaul, our society does!!!

Oh honey they are being mean and calling you names because that‘s what they think of you...and your actions.

Women who sleep with married men rarely get what they deserve...you are "getting yours" as they say

Learn from this...but if your rep is shot...it is your fault...you going to church to repent isn‘t going to heal the pain you caused his wife..

Sorry but, good for her for standing up for herself.

take your medicine hoor. it‘s the only way.

when the wife‘s done, THEN it will be over.

answer her texts, answer her questions. when she‘s done raking you. then its done.

you might want to ask her how her depression is, just to get alittle dig in and remind her her hubby ain‘t all that.

I agree with everything except the TWO innocent people.  I don‘t feel he is innocent at all!

I think they are both scum!!  The only innocent one is the wife!

As far as the affair goes, what‘s done is done.

I say face the wife, and admit wrongdoing.  Accept responsibility for your actions, tell her how sorry you are, and promise her that you will never go near her husband ever again.  Deal with her anger.  Express your regrets. Take responsibility for your part in things. 

And then just walk away, and work on forgiving yourself.  Resolve never to do anything like this ever again.

And learn from it.  What led to you getting into this situation to begin with?

 A LOT more anger should be directed at the men in these situations.  Chances are, this won‘t be the last time he cheats.  Blaming the other woman is too convenient.

I have trouble understanding why I hear this story so often but nobody ever catches on.

1. He was friends with me for three years.  Okay, if you and your spouse were hanging out with him and his spouse, you were friends.  If you were his wife‘s friend, you were friends.  Otherwise, uh, you were the person on the side he was trying to nail.

2.  His wife was sick and going through hard times.  The next time a guy says this to you, instead of "ooh poor you poor baby" say "then why are you not at home taking care of her?"

3.  You should not "hang out" with married men or guys who have girlfriends.  That‘s the best advice I can give you.  Ask yourself, why is his wife not here?  Why is  he with me and not his wife?  Why am I here and not on a date with some amazing single guy?

You need to realize that you are not just "the best friend", that you are a person too and you deserve to be with someone who cares about you, just as much as his wife deserves to be with someone better than him.

Here‘s what you need to do, if you are serious about being sorry.

Send her a message saying this:

I was aware that your husband was married, and I had an affair with him anyway.  I have helped him do something to hurt you and I know I can never make it right.  I don‘t blame you for hating me. I would too.  There is no excuse for what I have done, and I would undo it if I could.

I will never have any contact with him or with you again.  I would appreciate it if you would leave me alone as well.  I know you are angry but I was not the only person there that night.

You deserve someone better than him and I‘m sorry I lost the opportunity to know you because of him.

That‘s it.  No making excuses for yourself, none of this "it just happened" stuff.  You didn‘t have to hang out with a married man.  There was no reason for you to be alone with him. There was no reason for you to touch him, or kiss, or sleep with him, and unless he came in three and a half minutes there were at least a dozen chances to say no.  There is no reason for what you did, and if you really mean what you say you will tell her that.

Every woman has been in the position of being "the other woman". Not all of us knew we were the other woman, and that does make it a lot more wrong. Everyone also makes mistakes.  

You‘re just going to have to put on your big girl pants and admit that you messed up.  Bad.

And guilt is a good thing, because you‘re never going to hang out with a married man again, you are never going to believe that crap about his wife being sick, and you are going to realize that a real man would be at home taking care of his sick wife, not out with you.  You are going to realize, in future, that you and she are the same.

What would you want your husband to be doing if you weren‘t well?  She doesn‘t want anything different.  No-one does.