WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / In-laws are tearing us apart

Hi all,

This is my first post on this forum and I hope I‘ve put it in the right section.

First of all, I am 34 (well, will be in a few days), 5 months pregnant with our child and have been married to my husband for 6 months. This is my first and his second marriage and we are both having a first child.

Both my parents passed away and I only have one brother who lives abroad with his family. My husband has a needy 80 year old mother, two sisters and a brother. All his siblings are married and have 9 children between them. Their mother insists that they all remain incredibly close (read: live in each other‘s pockets) and theif family dynamic reminds me of gangster movies and Sicilian Mob. I, on the other hand am a lot more private and prefer to keep to myself and mind my own business. I am not surly or disinterested but I don‘t force myself on anyone and I seldom offer unsolicited opinions or advice.

Now the problem: My husband‘s younger sister decided to have a huge birthday party (hers) on my actual birthday. For the last 15-16 years I have always gone out for dinner with friends on the day and my husband has been a part of that tradition since we met. When we told his sister that we can‘t make it, she went ballistic, accused me of standing in the way of the family, being selfish and horrible,... Then she rang my husband and threw all kinds of abuse at him. Then she did it again a few weeks later and went on about what a horrible choice he has made by marrying me, how cold and heartless I am and how she‘ll take it upon herself to make sure that our still unborn child is raised properly (implying that I won‘t be capable of doing so myself). Need I say how upsetting this has been for both of us. I haven‘t slept in days, our baby is very unsettled (he feels like he is on a spin-cycle in my belly). As a courtesy I rang my mother in law and explained to her that I am very upset and disappointed and am unsure how to handle the whole thing. I also mentioned to her that neither my husband nor I caused any trouble for none of his family coming to our engagement party or for this very sister not even turning up for our wedding ceremony. She then went on to tell me how the family were busy with the very important function on the day of our enngagement and how his sister had some important business to tend to on our wedding day. (When she did eventually turn up for a meal we provided, she spent the whole time on her cell phone arranging something for her housekeeper.) Then she wnt on to tell me how there is no way that her daughter would be disrespectful or abusive, she JUST loves her family so much and this is really important to her and the party couldn‘t take place on another day because some of her friends have other committments,.... I could go on and on.

I am so hurt that it appears to be acceptable to be really disrespectful towards my husband, me and the fact that we are a family with a child on a way. My mother in law‘s attitude makes me feel as if I owe them something because their son/brother chose me for a wife.

I have spoken to my brother this evening and told him what‘s happening. We were brought up on strong values of equality, fairness and justice - all the things my in-laws are displaying a lack of. For those reasons, I don‘t really want to bring my child into such environment and yes, they would make every attempt to interfere and have their say. I have also asked my brother if it would be ok if I stayed in our late father‘s house and what does the house need for me to be able to live in (it‘s been empty for a few years).

I have checked one-way flights, will talk to a car dealer tomorrow to check if I can offload my car and will order transfer of my savings into an account where I can take them from. I am angry at the moment but I see no other solution for my child and me than running away. It would be really tough and I‘d need to figure out what we will live on but I am sure we‘ll manage. I have asked my husband if he would be interested in moving away but he said no - his family, friends and his whole life are here so that‘s not an option.

All I ever wanted is a happy little family of my own and now I can‘t even have that. What am I missing? What would you do? 

Yachtie:  I read your post and was immediately reminded of my ex-mother in-law. 

First of all, congratulations on your pregnancy!  I am so happy for you.  A new baby is a huge blessing.

Re:  your mother in-law.  Your husband needs to grow some testicles, take the reins, and be the ambassador with his immediate family.  He has to take a stand.  That is all there is to it.  If he doesn‘t, you are in for some very rocky times ahead.

He needs to make it clear that you are his family, and that they will treat you with respect.

You need to remember that both of you are adults.  His parents have no legal rights where you are concerned and legally, they can‘t do a damn thing where your marriage is concerned.  They don‘t have "power" over you as a couple unless you give it to them.

Forget trying to change them.  It can‘t be done.  Forget what they "should" be like.  A lot of things in this world are not what they "should" be.  They aren‘t going to change, and they are not going to meet your expectations.

You need to take a stand with your husband and issue an ultimatum.  Either his mother apologizes to you for her temper tantrum and the extremely disrespectful things she has said, or YOU don‘t go over there ever again - and neither does the baby.  You don‘t have to put up with this, and you aren‘t going to.  If he thinks "she" is making your lives miserable, just wait until you get done.

I wouldn‘t run away.  It won‘t solve anything.  You‘re an adult and you need to face this head on. 

The threat to take over the raising of your child is a real one.  That would be enough for me to never speak to her again.

Your husband needs to make a choice.  If he doesn‘t make a stand, the two of you will end up divorced. 

Good luck!  I have been through this!

Thank you so much for your post, I really appreciate it. It gives me A LOT of comfort to be reassured that I am not being unreasonable by expecting myself, my husband and our family to be treated with respect.

I have pointed out all the things you‘ve said to my husband already and I only hope that he is taking them on board. His 80 year old mother must have reigned her children with absolute terror for him to be so afraid to stand up for himself. I have explained not only to him but also to his sister and his mother that I can not have a relationship with them unless it‘s based on respect and friendship because I don‘t feel obliged to them for being related to my husband. This didn‘t go down well with the two women which I find weird, weird, weird!

You are right about running away not solving anything, but I could use some peace and quiet to look after myself and  our baby. I checked my weight this morning and in the last two weeks I‘ve lost 5Lbs, even though the baby is growing very fast. Surely this isn‘t good for either one of us.

I am still very angry and emotional about the whole thing but I simply need to make a stand for myself - they can walk all over my husband because he lets them to but I don‘t have to. I have an appointment at the hospital in a couple of weeks and one of the things I‘ll as is for no visitors when I go in to have a baby. My friends will understand that I need to rest after giving birth and a little bit of time to find my feet and bond with the baby but they will be livid. Not that I care anyway.

Again, thank you so much for your post, really appreciate it.  

Sounds like his sister is a spoiled rotten brat.

I don‘t belame you for feeling the way you do.

I have a very close and large family,  we have an understand.  nobody offers an opinion unless its asked for.

I have one brother in law  that can‘t remember this simple rule and treats some with disrespect.  I have been known to go off on him a time or two  (okay more like 10)

I do understand why your husband doesn‘t want to move,  but he needs to stick up to them  tell them.  HELLO I AM NOW MARRIED AND ABOUT TO BE A FATHER. MY WIFE AND CHILD NOW COME FIRST!!!

The last two posters are totally right.  I had that situation with a past ltr.  Just let the guy worry about his relatives, and rise above it as best you can.  You are pregnant and your business needs to be not stressing out right now first, worrying about crazy in-law stuff way down the list.  I would make sure and let it be known also that whatever stress from their family shouldn‘t be coming your way right now.  Also, you don‘t have to beg them to like you, you‘re just fine the way you are.  If one of them is real hard to deal with, I‘d also consider not seeing that person too much esp while your preggers.

Peace.