WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / met another should I move on

Hey,

You all know about the guy I have been with that really hasn‘t been showing up for me.  I have a friend I kind of like now that seems to be a soulmate/much better match. 

Should I go for it do you think, he seems like the nicest guy, but I‘m scared now to trust.  I don‘t want to hurt the gamer but he has mentioned he isn‘t changing again yest.   The other guy likes kids. 

I don‘t think you need to jump from man to man.

Make up your mind about the first before you think about another.

That is like saying you are only leaving one for the other.

I say be happy alone first. 

I don‘t think you should be in any relationship.

Clean up one mess before starting another.

When I read your post, I don‘t read anything that talks about empowering yourself, or changing your own life.  You‘ve analyzed your partner pretty thoroughly, but I question if you even know who you are.  You need to know who you are and what you‘re about before you even think about being with someone else.

Another man isn‘t going to solve your problems.  Another man isn‘t going to make you happy.  The only one who is ultimately going to make your life better is you.  What is lacking in you that is making you feel so empty and unhappy?

Rebound relationships rarely if ever work out, and sometimes end up being a bigger mistake than the original relationship.  The person you can‘t really run away from is yourself.

I would encourage you to get counseling.

Sorry, but I don‘t feel like the last post accurately represents me.  I am happy and have a lot going for me on my own.  Just because some guy is a mismatch or doesn‘t honor who I am doesn‘t mean I can‘t date somebody else without going into therapy.  Please don‘t blame the woman like my friends are.  I know it is both of our faults if we breakup.  If I dated a gamer, why am I the loser, as some of my jock guy friends mention.

I do agree maybe it is a rebound, but if you met somebody nice as a friend I really don‘t see the problem in that, especially if stinky the time waster just wants to stay home and play WOW or eat twinkies all night.  I don‘t think other gals would react that differently than I am.  I do realize I need to work on what I did in the breakup though.  But life is short, too. 

Thanks I agree with  the last post.  No, I haven‘t made any decisions yet or stood up for myself very well yet at all, but I am going to try that one more time first.  The gamer did look me in the face though and tell me the game was more important to him a few months ago.  I guess that was an answer of sorts.

Misery also seems to want company and I don‘t want to hang out around it anymore is all.  So I can make those changes now by but just by going and doing other stuff.  I am no longer at the house when he is gaming nearly as much.  I just meant long-term if I had to leave, and and then dated.  I don‘t think I can have kids with the gamer at this point, definately.  I‘ve gone through some pain on that. 

if you break up with the gamer think about doing something like i did. i made a "no guys for awhile" phase where i wont date...so that the relationship i focus on is my relationship with me.

i hope that helps.

I agree here...You need alone time....Strengthen yourself...

Don‘t become dependant on having someone.

You guys were right.  I think that other guy is trying to move in super fast cause he knows the guy and I are having some issues.  I felt him out a little bit and he is just like the current guy more than he lets on, gamer and super far right so ladies out here don‘t date him.  I am part French so I am an opposite type.  They kinda like me because I‘m not as uptight as they are I think.  He and I are only staying friends.  He mentioned he thinks we have a future blah blah.  I‘m afraid he‘s a player, not super religious like he made out.  Not sure maybe I‘m pessimistic.  Some of these guys use religion to make themselves boss of the house I think.

I did more or less tell gamer I wanted a couple weeks to think things through, and I got tougher on what I needed without being mean.  He didn‘t agree with any of it and he got angry instead, he also said the only problem was that he had an angry wife, and that he isn‘t depressed at all, or plays the game too much, even though he only has sex once a  month or two more or less. 

Alpha - My last post was based on the fact that at one time in my life, I did rebound relationships.  I wouldn‘t dump a guy unless I lined up a replacement.

I saw the ending of every relationship as "his" fault (whoever the "he" was at the time).  I also continued to make bad choices because I wasn‘t dealing with the core issues in my life.  One of the big core issues was an inability on my part to be alone.

You may think that I don‘t understand you, but I can recognize co-dependency a mile away, and that is because I am such a strong co-dependent myself.  The dead giveaway is that you analyze your partner to death, and never take a look at yourself.  You also write repeated posts about him, as though you want all of us to give you answers, which means you can‘t make a decision on your own about this relationship.  And the "Solution" is a new partner.

I understand all this.  It is how I ended up married and divorced three times.

After the third failed marriage, I was finally done. 

Going into therapy doesn‘t mean you‘re weak, stupid or crazy.  It is that you need to gain self awareness - why you do the things you do.  You also need to understand what you are attracted to - and why - and whether what you are attracted to is even good for you.  The purpose of counseling is to understand yourself.

I recommend it highly when people divorce.

Divorce has a grieving process.  You need to go through the grief and loss.  You need to look at what went wrong, and you need to look at your part in it.  These things take time.  A new "relationship" is not appropriate.  It‘s highly tempting to go there, because a "new love" feels much better than grieving and feeling like ****.

I can tell you what will happen if you get involved with someone else too soon.  You will bring old baggage into a new relationship.  You really owe it to yourself - and the other person - to clean up the old mess before starting a new one.  And better yet, if you have done lots of emotional healing first.

And no - you aren‘t responsible for a compulsive overeating, addictive video gamer being what he is.  How well did you know this person before you married him?  You didn‘t see any of these traits beforehand?  The next question - what attracted you to him?  And if it is hopeless, why haven‘t you left?

I‘m not criticizing you if you didn‘t know he had these problems, and I know a lot of men misrepresent themselves before marriage.  If that‘s the case, you need to think long and hard about relationships beforehand, and see if guys are what they say they are - before you make any commitments.

I‘m not judging you Alpha.  I am saying look at yourself.  If you want to make changes in your life and your situation, make real changes.  Empower yourself.  Then the loser guys won‘t look so good to you.

And speaking from experience - if you can handle being alone - and be happy - then you will never be in another dysfunctional relationship again just because you are afraid of being alone.  Which is why I encouraged you to get a JOB.

Rebound results in exchanging one set of problems for another.  The new guy can look like "Prince Charming" when you date him, and turn into "Godzilla" later.  Since you were "duped" once you don‘t want to go there again.

I am speaking from the experience of 3 marriages - 3 divorces - and 3 kids. 

Thanks, I understand the last post.  I am looking for work and reading a codependency book.  I totally agree with most of what you said.  You‘re right I used to look for outside things to make me happy also.  Now I realize I have to make me happy and if I‘m not, I do know I need to fix it, not some guy.  I did learn that lesson with my last ltr, totally did that old rebound thing that time.  I think we all do at one time or another, probably, if we are totally honest.  It is human nature to an extent.  That is really great that you were able to see it, too.  I am coming out of that mindset some but because I‘ve always been the carer type person in my house, it is hard. 

Now my problem is that I got that advice and I overreacted the other way a little.  I‘m scared to trust guys cause so many of them have misrepresented themselves at first, that I don‘t really give enough of them a chance to even be my friend even, and that hasn‘t been fair, either.