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| nowthatiseethetruth |
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Posted: 10/26/2009 12:10 PM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31
Total Posts: 58
detroit
Michigan
United States
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Hi guys,
I‘ve been going out a few times since the EX. Mostly just movies and to eat, just spending some time talking normally to another adult. I‘ve had some fun. I‘ve been open and told the last guy that I wanted to be friends for now, and see how it goes, because of a relationship I got out of. He‘s ok with that. We‘ve been out several times and I enjoyed myself.
Last weekend I met up with a guy I was supposed to go out with right before I started to see and became exclusive with the EX a few years ago. In his words, I blew him off, LOL. Anyways, it happened. IT. The chemistry or the feelings or the DING, whatever you want to call it, but I KNOW this could be something. I feel it. and I am SCARED. I told myself I didn‘t want to become involved for a while, with anyone, and now I can‘t stop thinking about this guy.. We talked for hours. HOURS. We were up into the wee hours of Friday and Saturday night, just talking. We have plans for next weekend.. He knows that things will go slow, and I will affirm that next time I see him. Just so we‘re on the same page. I don‘t want to be rushing into things, I have my whole life ahead of me....
And, I KNOW not to get my hopes up, or plan anything, and that this can turn ugly, I know it, that‘s why I‘m scared. I can‘t believe the pull to him that I am experiencing.
Am I crazy? I am starting to think that perhaps he‘s putting on a show, and that he will turn into his real self and all of a sudden I will look and it will be a year later and I‘m back where I was with the EX..
So.,. while I got ALL of that out.. haha..
I was wondering.. I know there are lists out there with the red flags to look for in a guy, but they‘re very broad, I think. By the time I can place those in my last relationship, we were in it for a while. And the things that happen are so subtle at first, I missed most of these. Question: What should have been a big tip off for you in the beginning of your relationship that should have had you running in the opposite direction? Things he said, or did, anything like that. Or any advice, too.. Also, for those of you with kids, do you introduce your child to your friend early on or not?
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| learning |
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Posted: 10/27/2009 6:23 AM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver Addict
Female Member
Age: 4
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Total Posts: 297
Around the Corner
Nebraska
United States
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Hi, Now. I think you‘re doing great.
As for what my big "tip off" SHOULD have been: I should‘ve have trusted my instincts the night I met him and gave him the wrong number. Honest to goodness, that was my first thought.
As for the red flags: Yes, the first time around with an abuser the red flags are subtle. But once you‘ve been around that bend once, they‘re not so subtle anymore and you will see/feel them coming.
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| Kahlan |
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Posted: 10/27/2009 5:16 PM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 27
Total Posts: 36
Home
Cyprus
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| learning wrote: | | As for the red flags: Yes, the first time around with an abuser the red flags are subtle. But once you‘ve been around that bend once, they‘re not so subtle anymore and you will see/feel them coming.
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This!
Shed the fear Now babe. Let yourself float for a while. If your gut really likes this guy, flow with him. Learning said that once you go through the ****, then you learn to recognize danger when you see it, and she‘s absolutely right - as long as you‘re not petrified and seeing things that aren‘t there!
So just relax, take it easy, connect. If you want, follow my evaluation list. Try to see how he treats animals, or people who are weaker than him. Better yet, find out about his family, and look at how he talks to his mother. See how others regard him. Are the waiters thrilled to serve him, or does he give them the creeps? Does he have friends? What sort of friends are they? Is he financially stable and emotionally mature? How did his last relationship end? What‘s his inner world like when he mentions his ex? Does he look at you in the eye when he gives you compliments? Would he open the restaurant door to let you get shelter first in the middle of a downpour?
After breaking up with my ex, I was exactly where you are. I found a good guy and was worried that I‘d repeat the mistake all over again! It‘s a scary thought! But you did get wiser and you have a smart head on your shoulders!
Let us know how it goes, eh? 
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 10/30/2009 9:29 PM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4659
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Total Posts: 313
Americas Finest Citee
California
United States
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At the end of the day you have to do what makes you happy.
You sound like you‘re doing better...
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| nowthatiseethetruth |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 9:24 AM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31
Total Posts: 58
detroit
Michigan
United States
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I feel I am doing better.
I cut ALL ties with the EX, including having his emails and IMs sent to spam right away, so I don‘t even see them. He keeps dangling that website and he wouldnt stop emailing me. Now I don‘t see the emails, so I don‘t even have to think about it. He still wants to have that control over me, and I guess he thought he did when he stole that website. I don‘t understand WHY he still feels he needs to control me, we are nothing to each other any more. I am starting to talk about it more with my son, who unfortunately witnessed the majority of the abuse. At first I wasn‘t comfortable with him talking about it, but now I listen to him and we talk. Usually it‘s to the affect of ‘Whew, glad that‘s over.‘
The new guy is really nice and polite. I am aware enough to know that everything is always nice in the beginning, so I am keeping my eyes wide open. We finally kissed last Friday for the first time, it was sweet, because he was stressing out that we haven‘t yet, that maybe I didn‘t like him. That‘s one of the things I AM having a hard time with.. sharing my feelings with him. I really really like him, he makes me feel good and important, like I deserve to be happy.
Unfortunately, I am always waiting and ready for the shoe to drop.. I am just SO used to that. I am waiting for him to jump up and say, BOO, here‘s the REAL me... I have to work on being more conscious of the things that we talk about and how we talk.. I find that I revert back automatically to how I talked with the EX, because everything I said to him was later used against me, it‘s hard to break out of that mentality. I had to apologize twice to this guy, because of something I said. I threw something right back into his face, because that was normal with the EX. What I did was mean to him, it was uncalled for. We were talking about feelings, normal things.
It was interesting, though, because the things he was describing he felt with me, are oddly similar to the things I posted in the original post here. I have no reason at this point to doubt him.. He said he‘s been a train wreck because he didn‘t know how I felt about him and everything, and where things were going. I almost feel that perhaps I am hiding my feelings really well, something I learned with the EX, so well that this poor guy didn‘t know what was going on. I am afraid to share my feelings, because I think that if I do, someone will sabotage it for me. Now that‘s coming from the relationship with the EX. I have been thinking about it a lot, and how screwed up I got because of him... where I can‘t even share normal feelings. He always made sure I wasn‘t happy for long or found a way to use the feelings against me. Wow. Ok. I am realizing more and more now, as I actually type this stuff out.
Other than that, we held hands this weekend, too.. LOL I feel like a school girl, but it‘s been fun and exciting. Usually, I feel that I jinx myself by talking about something good that is happening to me. I have been telling everyone about this guy (in my family and friends), thinking that if the other shoe will fall, it will happen soon.. Sad, isn‘t it??
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/2/2009 10:18 AM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4659
Total Posts: 313
Americas Finest Citee
California
United States
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That‘s not sad. It‘s you protecting yourself from hurt.
Do your best to go with the flow...Don‘t take things too seriously...have fun...get to know eachother...Don‘t have huge expectations...but on the other side of the coin don‘t automatically assume the worst....
It‘s a hard thing to do but just try to take everything for what it is...and protecting yourself mentally/emotionally is not sad. After what you‘ve been going through...it may just be your defence mechanism.
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| nowthatiseethetruth |
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Posted: 11/3/2009 10:29 AM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31
Total Posts: 58
detroit
Michigan
United States
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| Kitty Kitty wrote: | After what you‘ve been going through...it may just be your defence mechanism.
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I believe this is exactly what it is.
It‘s also set an auto, and I think it‘s stuck there! haha!
I feel everyone in my life has an ulterior motive, and I am always aware for signs of it.. I have a hard time trusting people. That comes from years and many people turning out to be someone totally not whom I expected. Not just boyfriends, but also girl friends and co workers. I used to be a very trusting person, or as my cousin puts it, I have an innocent heart.
Thank you for all the advice here, ladies. I will try to enjoy the things in my life, while still keeping an eye out.
I also think, I should listen to my close girl friends. The whole time with the EX they kept saying to leave him, and I did not listen. They see the whole thing from an outside view, so they see things I might miss..
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/9/2009 2:00 PM |
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Subject: Starting to date after |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4659
Total Posts: 313
Americas Finest Citee
California
United States
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| nowthatiseethetruth wrote: |
| Kitty Kitty wrote: |
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After what you‘ve been going through...it may just be your defence mechanism. |
I believe this is exactly what it is.
It‘s also set an auto, and I think it‘s stuck there! haha!
I feel everyone in my life has an ulterior motive, and I am always aware for signs of it.. I have a hard time trusting people. That comes from years and many people turning out to be someone totally not whom I expected. Not just boyfriends, but also girl friends and co workers. I used to be a very trusting person, or as my cousin puts it, I have an innocent heart.
Thank you for all the advice here, ladies. I will try to enjoy the things in my life, while still keeping an eye out.
I also think, I should listen to my close girl friends. The whole time with the EX they kept saying to leave him, and I did not listen. They see the whole thing from an outside view, so they see things I might miss..
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It won‘t be stuck there forever...Just into you find your way to heal.
Do your best not to lose your "innocent heart" over other people‘s wrong doings...Things happen and in general people can be bad/mean...Just keep your chin up and be picky about who you put your trust/faith in....I‘m the same way...I never think people would do some of the things they do...But you can never expect anyone to do what you would...we all have our own boat to row....
It‘s tough to see the forest through the trees...It‘s always good to listen to an outside perspective...like your girlfriends..or us here...
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