WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / Will I ever be able to trust what a man‘s say again?

After this spiritual guru came in with all his love and knowledge and inflitrated my life... I wonder will I ever be able to trust a man again. I went many years alone, sure dating but no intimacy or closness and then this man entered my life and I ‘thought‘ but actually was always on guard that he may be ‘real‘ .. but he was a con.

All men seem to have the same approach... compliments about appearance and intellect... etc... so I know that your instincts are your best friend and I used them in this latest instance.. I did not marry him, I reserved myself, I watched and watched until he revealed himself. ... but now, I still feel more raw.. Is anyone real? Does anyone know how to be real and close and honest?

I am sorry for your unfortunate experience, Simply.  Welcome to WomanSavers!

I can‘t promise that we can eradicate your pain, but we can offer our wisdom, experience and support.  You are among kindred spiritis here.

Yes, there are good people out there who really are honest and good.  Sometimes, though, it takes a while to find the good ones.  Knowing what to look for is key.

You say that you held back for a while until he showed his true colors.  That is very positive!  Do you know how many of us wish we had done the same thing?  It shows that even if you really like someone, you are true to your values.

I know it hurts, but that is all part of the process.  Do not assume that his behavior has anything to do with you.  It just means it was the wrong guy/wrong relationship.  Sometimes it takes time to see if people really are who they say they are.

And many an abuser or sociopath is charming!

That‘s just it.. all men are charming in the beginning or you wouldn‘t be with them..

I am sophisticated enough to see through the obvious.. but this man just spun me around. He was attractive and worldly and I was occupied with moving into a new house.. so I wasn‘t focused totally on him in the beginning and he helped me do things .. he was so helpful.. that I overlooked things.. then when I saw them I was disgusted but I enjoyed the companionship.. he inflrated my world but not my heart so much.. but I still miss his attention... and when any man talks, I can only see the con.. the sell.. and it makes me feel ill...

With this man, I kept blocking him and finally he gave up.. and turned on me.. I can see it clearly but it still hurts..I wanted him to turn out to be ‘real‘ .. but he wasn‘t.. how many disappointments can one go through without losing hope and interest.. Men.. their nature pretty much disgusts me.

Simply - I totally relate.  Dating in mid-life is nothing like dating in high school or college.  Even if you‘ve been around the block, and know what to look for, it is still possible to be fooled.

And you can feel like you have known someone for years, in some cases, only to find that you don‘t know them at all.  It is sad that there are so many who are not honest.

It takes a lot of courage to date.  It‘s a paradox.  On one hand, if you don‘t put yourself out there, you won‘t meet the nice guys.  If you do put yourself out there, and it turns out to be a great guy, it may not work out over the long haul, and you feel devastated.  Or you put yourself out there, give it a chance, and the guy ends up being a misogynist or sociopath. 

Or you do like I do - give up on the whole sorry mess - and make the decision to be alone and be okay with it.

I don‘t date by choice.  I resent the stereotype that a woman is "nothing without a man."

I am good friends, however, with quite a few men.  They‘re great guys, great people, and have convinced me that good men do exist.  They aren‘t all the same.  I can‘t judge all men based on the bad apples I married in the past.  There are good marriages and good relationships.

Trust is a very hard thing to get back after you‘ve been burned.  You may need time to heal and lick your wounds.  I recommend it highly before getting back out there again. 

Welcome!  I look forward to seeing more of your posts!

I have been married, dated lots without getting close, had sincere long term relationships and also, gone long stretches being alone.. I have no problem being alone. In fact, I prefer it.. then this man came in and while I am telling him that I don‘t want to marry. I end up wearing an engagement ring. I tell him I don‘t want a man with young children and he has two.. I  tell him that I am past all that and I want romance.. and I have no romance.. just the affectations of like flowers... It was the stupiest relationship that I have ever had... and now, I am left wondeing, What is all this about? Where is the truth? Where is the real love.. ? Is there any left in this world?

This sex thing with men is stupid and it is worse now than when I was a younger woman and dating.. it is like older en are obsessed with it.. but they have issues with it... The whole thing is stupid. I look at a man and see neediness.. lies, and maniputlation.. like they are looking at a woman thinking what can I get from her.. her sex, her nurturing and now.. her assets.. men have little to give.. they are takers...

Yep - I hear you!  Been there, done that, bought the T-Shirt!

Single seems to be my most successful lifestyle choice.

It sounds like you fell hard for this guy, and that is what makes the ending so devastatingly painful.

I was madly in love with a practicing alcoholic for 13 years.  He was "Mr. Wrong" in every possible way, but I loved him, had a lot of wonderful times with him, and in many ways he was my best friend for a very long time.  He was "Mr. Wrong" but he proved himself to be a very loyal friend during some really difficult times in my life.  When we dated, it was an "On Again/Off Again" rollercoaster ride, but life with him "in it" seemed better than life "without" him for a very long time.

That is the weird thing about love.  You don‘t always choose "who" you love.  I will also say that when you are really crazy about someone - whether it‘s "chemistry" or whatever - that long after the relationship is over, and he‘s no longer a part of your life anymore - that you still think about him, and you miss him. 

When it finally ended for good, I wasn‘t remotely interested in dating anyone else, because I only loved him, and didn‘t feel like anyone would ever take his place.  He was dysfunctional as hell, but I was still in love with him.  Anyone else would just be a substitute.

I am feeling less and less that way every day, though, which is a sign that I‘m moving on, and feeling better.  When I think of him now, the painful memories are a lot more prominent than the good ones.  It took a lot of tears, lonely nights, writing and soul searching to get here, and I know I am going to be just fine.  I don‘t miss the drama and the roller coaster.  I am relieved to finally be rid of the "obsession" where he is concerned.

Life is so much bigger than a relationship.  We women have other things - friends, family, jobs, homes, hobbies and interests, and always new things to learn.  We are capable of finding meaning in life even without a significant relationship.  I think we‘ve been sold a bill of goods when it comes to all this stuff.

Just take a time out to lick your wounds, recover from all this, and get your bearings.  A lot of us have shared your experience.

no. sorry.

i suggest that you keep doing what you are doing. waiting. observing. be wary, it‘s a jungle out there.

i also believe that if you want someone to be intimate with, to trust and take care of, spend time getting to know and cherish, look in the mirror.  it‘s your duty to be in good company when you are alone.

first, put on you big girl panties and face up to it. you have to go to court, take some coins for the parking meter and if you smoke, suck one down before going in.

even if you are having an affair, that doesn‘t give him the right to rob you or stalk you.

have you thought about trumping him and getting a restraining order on him before the court date?

Ladybug.   First of all, it doesn‘t even make sense for him to say you two had an affair to get him out of trouble for stealing.  Does it?   No, it doesn‘t.  It‘s just a scare tactic.  He, obviously, doesn‘t know how courts work either.  I mean, c‘mon, that‘s his defense for stealing from a child?  Haha!  I‘m sorry, but I found that extremely amusing.  I‘m sure his/her honor will, also. 

Also, where is your husband in all of this?  Is he standing beside you and dealing with this with you? 

Yes.  I am one of those people.  And I‘m certainly not the only one in this world like that. 

Also, you‘re not giving yourself enough credit here.  After all, you were smart enough not to marry this one.  Think about that.

Learn,

You is such a wise woman girlie