WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S ONLY FORUM / Separated for 3 months

I have been separated from my husband for over 3 months. We split because he was unfaithful. I know he has been with women since we separated. I have been with no one and I miss it, sometimes a whole lot.

Would it be considered adultery for me to be with a man? I lay awake thinking about it so much but the thought of committing adultery is filling me with guilt.

Almost desperate,

Andree

are you asking this question from a  religious aspect? from memory until you are divorced you are technically married and therefore committing adultery in the eyes of the major religions. 

however, time frame for disolving a marriage varies from country to country and state to state and is not controlled by the church or other. 

Imo, you are separated and therefore its not adultery.  Marriage is a contract based on the vows you take together.  He has already broken them and moved out, you are no longer united. in days before the state ran things such as marriage licenses, you could probably have resolved this with your local head of said religion.

Try not to be so hard on yourself, its normal to have thoughts of desire for people and to want to share your life and your bed with someone. 

xx

Andree - Two wrongs don‘t make a right.  I wouldn‘t sink to his level - no matter how sad or how lonely you are.

If you want to work out your marriage, I can tell you that your husband is going to treat your infidelity completely different than he will treat his own.  Men often have a double standard in this area - fair or not.  They really can‘t handle it when the shoe is on the other foot. 

I don‘t know why you are separated and not getting a divorce, but I am guessing it is because both of you are undecided as to the future of this relationship.  If reconciliation is in the cards, your sleeping with someone else - just to make yourself feel better and/or to get even - is not going to move you in that direction.

If your plan is to divorce him (which is the choice I would make with a cheating man), then do that before you engage in another relationship. 

It‘s selfish to try to work it both ways.  It isn‘t fair to the "new person" you bring into your life.  Suppose you meet a really nice guy who really cares for you.  You‘d end up breaking his heart - just because you feel lonely, abandoned, and confused.  Don‘t go there.

Make a decision about your marriage before you do anything.  I recommend counseling to deal with the betrayal issues of the affair.  I also recommend a nice vacation, or weekend getaway, or a complete make over.  It can do wonders for your attitude and self esteem.  The best revenge - with a dirtbag - is a really good life.  Let him see how great you are doing without him, if you have to fake it. 

If he continues to have flings after leaving you, I wouldn‘t put much stock in a future with him.  You deserve so much more.

Learn to be alone and you won‘t get in relationships for the wrong reasons.  Give yourself time to grieve and process your emotions, and don‘t date until you‘re done with that.  There‘s no point in bringing old baggage into a new relationship.

Good luck to you!  Take care of yourself!  Continue posting if you would like our support.

In California you can file for divorce anytime (no separation period necessary).  The minimum waiting period for the divorce to be final is six months.  California is a “no fault” state.  Everything is split 50/50.

Andree, have you decided if you are going to file for divorce?

I really appreciate all of your advice. Right now I do not have a life, I am a nurse and work at a hospital. They are short handed and I sometimes work 60 or more hours a week. That is all I do; work, eat, sleep and play video games. The online video game I play has helped keep me from going crazy. My husband is a surgeon at the same hospital. I work on the night shift so I don‘t see him very often. When I do see him, I am torn between desire to be with him and hating him for his betrayal. 

I have filed for divorce, it won‘t be final for about 3 months. Then maybe I can get on with my life and maybe someday marry again. This might be hard because I can never have children, I had cancer, the treatment left me sterile. Maybe this is why he was unfaithful, even though he said it was ok when we married. I think he thought of me as less of a woman all along.

Andrea

You are not less of a woman because you can‘t have children!  That is silly,  there are a lot of women that cant have or don‘t want to have children. 

There is nothing  wrong with that.

how long were you two together?

We lived together for 6 months and were married for 3 years.

He has been sleeping with several nurses where I work. One day a nurse told me he was seeing thiese nurses. Since I didn‘t like the nurse that told me, I assume he had been with her and dumped her, that‘s why she told on him. Before that day I would have trusted him with my life. Now I trust nobody.

Andree, please don’t blame yourself .  The first thing women do is think they did something wrong to cause their husbands to cheat.  Your husband is a poop!

Shally is right, you are not less a woman because you cannot have children.  I do not have children and “Man, I feel like a woman . . .”

To answer your question, no I do not think it is adultery being with another man since you are divorcing, but I would not go down that road yet.  It would be just a Band-Aid.

I am so sorry you are going through this.  It sucks! We will be here for you.  Do you have family and friends for support?

what an absolute areshole.

He called and wanted to come over to pick up the rest of his clothes. I had my next-door neighbor come over to be with me when he came. I was afraid I couldn‘t resist him if he made advances.

From what he said, he is going to want a lot of things from the house when the divorce is final. I have been paying the house payment and all the other bills. He hasn‘t helped me one bit. When they both left I couldn‘t stand it any more, I cried for an hour but I‘m over it now and vowed not to do that again.

Andree

A,

It may take baby steps but remember to take care of you....you are #1...Not all men are this way....And you need to stay strong!!!

Know that just because you can‘t have kids...DOES NOT make you less of a woman...it just means your time was meant for other things in life...Maybe try to combine those 2 things....find what you can do with your time that can benefit someone else and that time you spend away from this mess can help you heal.

Make sure you are very clear about what you are willing to let him take, and iof there‘s going to be a dispute about that...Get a damn good attorney.

KK

That‘s why I have been working so much, I‘m a nurse, and a caring one I think. I‘ve been working in the ER and I help people every day, I find that very rewarding. I always feel good about myself when I leave work, it is when I‘m alone at home that the horror starts. I‘m afraid to go out because I don‘t trust myself to be with people, especially men. If I had listened to my mother, I never would have married that AH in the first place. I haven‘t told her we were breaking up, I don‘t think I could stand to hear her say I told you so.

Andree

I learned the hard way,  that no matter what you pay  its still 50/50 when it is divided.

Don‘t be to hard on yourself,  it will take time to get over him.  Let yourself cry,  scream and throw fits.  It really does help if done in private.

You will know when its time to start dating again. 

That‘s great that you do something with so much meaning...

and you deserve to date again...But just getting a guy for sex won‘t fill the void and is self sabatoging. It will make you feel worse. Better for a very short time...then terrible and the lonely will feel even worse...

I‘m with Sunny---Scream and cry and lose it at home...Get it out of your system...And time will help you heal! When you are ready to go back out there and date..I agree with Sunny...You‘ll know!

Keep us updated.

KK

Your mother may surprise you Andree.  You can always beat her to the punch and say “Mom, you were right and I need your support.”

As for the division of property, what is the law there?  As for the clothes, make sure you give him ALL his clothes so he doesn’t have to return.

Andree, what you are feeling normal.  Do cut yourself some slack.

I talked to my lawyer, he said there was no way to guarantee I could keep the house, even if I continued to make the payments alone. Only my personal items would not be subject to a 50/50 split. That really sucks, he commits adultery with multiple partners but still gets treated as an equal.

I hate him for betraying me but most of all I hate him for making me so libidinous I can hardly stand it. I refuse to lower myself to his level, I‘ll just suffer it through.

Andree, that is the first step.  Just hold your head high and be glad you are not like him.

Make sure you have a good lawyer so you get what is rightfully yours. Be sure YOU look into the law in your state & you are aware of your rights.

Also make sure any joint credit you have with him gets paid OFF before the divorce is over. My ex-husband & I didn‘t do that, and now his bankruptcy is fvcking upmy credit, over 10 years after our divorce was final!  :(

As far as the horniness goes, you are right not to stoop to his level. Don‘t look toward other men. Go out & treat yourself to a new vibrator or 2. They WILL take the edge off!

Do try to get out with your girlfriends. You don‘t have to go to bars & drink - you can go to the movies, go to coffee houses to hear music or poetry, art museums, fairs, etc. You will feel better & be happier if you get out & do fun things with people who are supportive of you.

I like what someone said above about what to say to your mom - "you were right & I need your support." Good one!

I know what you are going thru is painful, and you will miss certain things about him & the relationship. That is normal. You might try writing down all the BAD things about him & keep that list with you. When you start to reminisce & miss him, read it - you will say "oh yeah, THAT‘S why I left him!"

Keep coming back & posting here. let us know how you are doing.

Good luck!

UB