WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S HEALTH AND SEX ISSUES / My man won‘t give me sex!

My boyfriend and I haven‘t had sex in a couple of months now. When I presented my concerns to him, he didn‘t seem to care that my sexual needs weren‘t being met. I asked him was he not attracted to me anymore, did I not dress up enough for him, or was I getting fat. He replied that it was none of those things, but still couldn‘t give me a reason. Being a woman, I continued to press the issue. I then asked was he bored. He said "Sexually or in the relationship." I answered, "both". He claimed that he is satisfied sexually, however he didn‘t mention anything about our relationship in general. So of course I pointed that out by saying, "You didn‘t mention anything about our relationship. Are you tired because you‘ve been with me for going on five years?" He said, "no" but he couldn‘t explain why he wasn‘t been interested in sex anymore. He then proceeded to say that he has had plenty of women in his life, and maybe he just doesn‘t know how to cope with having just one. He said that most men have the mentality that new ass is exciting. Which leads me to believe that I‘m not exciting anymore because we‘ve been together too long, and that if presented with the opportunity to be intimate with another woman that he would do so just because it is "something new."

There is his porn issue though. He and I both think that his porn addiction plays a major role the dramatic decrease of our sex life. Basically, I feel that he is satisfied after viewing porn everyday, and doesn‘t need me to satisfy his needs. (How do you think that makes me feel as a woman?) However, he has agreed to give up porn for a week in order to see if any changes occur. The only thing is that I don‘t believe that he will obide by the agreement fully because I can‘t monitor him 24/7. Do you have any advice?

Ahem... I hate to say this but...

99.9% of the time, if he‘s not interested in having sex with you anymore, he‘s getting it from someone else.

Find out who.

Yeah, I get the same thing- Im 21! Very depressing. Ive never felt so unsexy! :(

He only watches porn alone, and he has refused my offers to watch it with him. Every time he’s home alone, he watches it. Then when I come home for some lovin’, he’s not interested. He has started lying and sneaking around. He basically told me, “I’m going to do this. I can either lie about it or you can leave me alone about it.” Can you give me some insight? —Weary Porn Widow

Keep in mind that I am not addressing the social or moral issues of pornography, which generate great controversy and which people have strong feelings about. Whether a couple includes pornography in their sex life is a personal choice. Many people find pornography stimulating. (Men generally like visuals and acts, while women prefer romance and emotional content.)

Asking to be included in his porn watching was a good move. That could have been exciting for both of you. Unfortunately, and for some unknown reasons, he isn’t willing to do that. He is forfeiting a sex life with you in favor of a sex life with pictures and movies. This may mean that porn has other meanings for him. He sees it as something private, and possibly shameful, and he doesn’t want to share it with you.

You might try asking him about that. Find out why he doesn’t want you to watch it with him. It’s possible he will open up. Let him know pornography can be a turn-on for you as well. Porn can be an enhancement to your sex life, but it shouldn‘t be a substitute for it.

Whatever you approach decide to take, make sure that you‘re not judgmental. While you don’t want to condemn or criticize him for his interest in porn, it is fair to explain to him that when he doesn’t want to have sex with you and instead spends his time on pornography, you feel diminished and unwanted.

If you are able to discuss and resolve this with him in a nonjudgmental way, it will be good test of whether you can work out other important issues in your relationship. If you cannot, your problem boils down to one of two things: Either he is obsessed with porn in such a way that makes him exclude you, or he is not terribly concerned with your feelings. Either way, you can decide whether you want to stay with him or leave.

Dr. Gail’s Bottom Line: A man’s insistence on using pornography to exclude his partner from his sex life — and his life — can destroy a relationship.

Yep thats the first thing i thought , when i read the original posters thread.

IT IS THE PORN! you need to check out this site www.no-porn.com

it is haven for women who are married to porn addicts.

That said get the hell out now, so you can enjoy being with a man who

is not a pornsturbating freak.

MAYBE ITS WHAT YOU THINK YOU HAVE BEEN TOGETHER 5 YRS. AND IT HAS PROBALLY GOTTEN OLD TO HIM DONT YOU EVER THINK ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH ANOTHER MAN JUST CUZ ITS EXICITNG AFTER YOU BEEN  TOGETHER THAT LONG SEX BECOMES ROUTINE NOTHINGS EXCITING ITS TOO PREDICTABLE MEN WANT WHAT THEY CANT HAVE. I HAVE 2 SUGGESTIONS FOR YOU :

1. DO SOMETHING HE WOULDNT EXPECT YOU TO DO BRING SOMEONE ELSE IN 3 SOMES ARE ALWAYS GOOD..TRY TO CATCH HIS ATTENTION BY NOT BEING SO PREDICTABLE.

OR................

2. START DRESSING REALLY SEXY AND DONT PAY HIM ANY ATTENTION GO TO A PARTY DRESS REALLY PROVOCATIVE SO PLENTY OF MEN LOOK AT YOU ONCE HE SEES HOW DESIRABLE YOU ARE TO OTHER MEN HE WONT BE ABLE TO KEEP HIS HANDS OFF YOU SO WHEN THAT HAPPENS DO SOMETHING UNPREDICTABLE HAVE SEX WITH HIM IN PUBLIC...

Threesomes are bullshit. They have no place in a committed relationship. The point is that when committed you want him to be interested in YOU, not your clothes, not positions, not location and certainly not another woman. If he is addicted to pornography, you already have jealousy issues to work on, why add to them??

There are several moral and social issues that come along in the topic of porn - let‘s forget them for now. They‘re moot in this conversation. Stop and think - "How does porn make me feel?" Because that is what matters. Not what others on this site feel, not how others tell  you to feel - how you feel.

That being said, it‘s pretty normal to be jealous of, threatened by, and angry at the porn. Using pornography as a suppliment for ones‘ partner is certainly offensive. It‘s certainly demeaning, and it most definately marks a problem in the relationship. But now is not the time for blame-assignment or anger-fueled arguements - what does that really accomplish? You need to be proactive, as does he.

Sit down together, and write up a list of what you need out of the relationship. Have a page for his needs, and a page for yours. Focus on the sexual aspects, but don‘t exclude others  - we take all our baggage into the bedroom, on a subconscious level. And neither one of you should be embarassed of or have reservations about your needs at this point - it doesn‘t neccessarily mean you (or he) is obligated to meet each item on each list; this is just part of communication. If you feel you need a foot massage every time you two got at it, write it down. If he feels he needs you to lick his b*lls, every time, I would encourage him to write this as well.

Now that you have documentation of your desires and needs, it is time to compromise. Maybe daily footrubs are unrealistic - but is the idea of him giving you more sensual and personal attention really all that farfetched? And maybe you really aren‘t all that into the idea of putting your tongue on his testicles, but is spending more time and attention on that particular area too much to ask?

A relationship is give-and-take. A little spice is great - but it is not a remedy. Because trust, attraction and attention - the things that make sex and a relationship great - never get boring. And why would anyone, male or female, want to give up something (or someone) perfectly attuned to their sexual needs???

If someone turned to me and said that they couldnt handle being with one woman, id bring a man home, introduce him as my other man, and if my boyfriend should look back at me gobsmacked, id say- I thought you‘d understand?!