WomanSavers.com Forum / WOMEN'S HEALTH AND SEX ISSUES / Can‘t orgaz without fantasies now

Hey everyone.

I realized recently that is has been forever since I came without having to think of something other than my husband.  I don‘t know how he is for size since he is all I have ever had, but I am guessing average to smaller side.  In the very beginning things were okay(great once in a while), but once I found out about the internet issues I had issues off and on depending on the level of jerk he was being.  This August and October I found out about  him being "kissed by" two woman while alone for the night and drunk.  Since then I find I am think of fantasies that are his fantasies(multisex stuff) which I despise doing and I used to have no interest in.  It is pissing me off because I don‘t really find them attractive but I think it is a mental spiteful thing.  Like my subconscious wants to feel like spiting him. 

I can‘t seem to stop it though and I am so sick of not orgasming a lot and never a deep one because of the stress and being pissed at him.  I don‘t know what I should do to fix this other than keep waiting for him to do couples therapy or my deadline to come to leave.  Any thoughts?  Last night I actually dreamed of some actor I think because I feel like I am starting to really feel a craving because I haven‘t had any connection mentally or physically. Don‘t know what to do.  Part of it is he has gotten so heavy over the last 4 years.. beer gut and just doesn‘t care for himself.  Plus, I haven‘t slept well since I found out about the second woman in Oct. so my mental control is a little fuzzy. Could that be all it is or is it more just the emotional?  I just don‘t know how I can fix this because I feel I am stuck in a bad habit and the more I notice it the more stuck on it I feel I am... UGH!  Thanks for your opinions.

I completely understand how your mind and body is resisting him. It‘s like protection to not get close emotionally, to detach from him.

You ask...

"Could that be all it is or is it more just the emotional? "

It‘s a big deal that he is a cheater and kissed by two women, any woman, forget it. No wonder you can‘t fantasize about him.

You said... 

"I just don‘t know how I can fix this because I feel I am stuck in a bad habit "

You developed that habit to protect yourself I think. I would do the same. It‘s natural. If you are going to have sex with him, then revel in the fantasies, yes including the multiple ones which you were not interested in before.

Or you could move towards fantasizing about how a new man who respects you would be like. I think you do not do this because you may feel tempted to leave him.

You must forgive yourself your thoughts. Your thoughts are there to help you cope. You are not a bad person. Your "bad habit" is not the fantasies of other men, the bad habit is your husband.

If you are staying with him, I really hope for you the counselling comes soon and works. In the meantime, you may consider some books, like Dr. Phil‘s or Harville Hendrix‘s "How to have the love you want". It is an amazing and powerful book and encourages except in the case of obvious abuse that each consider their spouse to be genuinely their best match. It‘s hard to describe, but compelling. I heard Oprah Winfrey endorse this book and say it helped her in her relationship with Stedman.

All the best to you.