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| wittyusername |
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Posted: 10/15/2006 6:21 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 80
Total Posts: 38
sydney
Australia
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During fights with my husband, when i am in a state of crying and utter emotional agony (despite whats caused it) he gets an erection while watching me upset, and wants to pursue sex with me. I was wondering if anyone else has experienced this with their partners? and also what you think it could mean. I have asked him about why he feels turned on when i am like that, he just responds with ‘i love you‘. However when things are going well between us, he can go on for periods of a week or more of being disinterested sexually. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 10/15/2006 7:43 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
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Lacey
Washington
United States
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That‘s downright creepy. He sounds like a sadist. He is turned on by seeing you in pain or distress. He probably has to inflict pain in order to get excited. I would look for a way out of this relationship.
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| GoodBye |
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Posted: 10/15/2006 9:33 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 29
Total Posts: 919
L.A
California
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 I have had this happen to me, perhaps my situation is not as intense as yours but sometimes my boyfriend would want to have sex when we a in a heated arguement..I never made anything of it though because they say make-up sex is the best. But the thing that is strange about your situation is that you and your hubby don‘t have sex unless you a in distressed, crying or sad. Which is downright creepy. It would be fine if you guys were able to maintain a healthy sex-life apart from the strange sex incidents but that is not the case I would suggest you speak to a medical expert abut this like a sex therapist. This could be a deeper issue.
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| wittyusername |
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Posted: 10/15/2006 10:00 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 80
Total Posts: 38
sydney
Australia
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Thank you for the advice. I want to clarify its not that we dont have sex during other times, its just not very often, and usually there is build up to it like kissing or foreplay etc. When i am vulnerable and upset he gets an erection without any physical contact with me, just by looking. We were at counselling a while back to learn better communication and i brought it up, the counsellor asked me if i ever considered he was just trying to make it up to me by showing physical love post fighting. Fair question, however it never rang true to me. I have had relationships where make up sex post fighting occurs, that feels familiar and nothing to question over. This is different. I do feel he is turned on by my suffering. I have asked him if he thinks he may have tendencies for dominance/submission type games, but he assures me he isnt. and i dont really know much about any of that anyway. Its not something that happens often, but often enough to make me think it will happen again.
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| ToucheBaby |
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Posted: 10/16/2006 7:02 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 93
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on a beach
Hawaii
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Now there is angry sex that can be incredible! ( Not make up sex). Two people as passionately angry as the other. Wow...is all I can say. But what you are describing is creepy. Hes turned on by emotional agony. There is a deep issue there that doesnt sound to me will get better on its own.
How long have you been married? How often do you fight? Is he rough or trying to make you feel better? Any other problems?
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| wittyusername |
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Posted: 10/16/2006 7:20 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 80
Total Posts: 38
sydney
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Ms SnippySnip,
We have been married since August of this year. Together for a year before that. He hadnt been violent with me. However, on our honeymoon when i picked a fight and complained about lack of sex, i threatened divorce as an option if we cannot be compatible, he lost it and lunged across the room, what he calls ‘restraining me‘, he had me pinned onto the floor unable to move while he yelled in my face. This sort of restraining thing has happened twice since in subsequent fights. once i accused him of being passionless so he pushed me onto the floor from the bed, grabbed my wrists and held me down screaming "is this enough passion for you"? He has never hit me, just seems to eventually lose control when i criticise him. He says he doesnt know what to do to make it stop. (meaning me and my criticising). Apart from that he lies by omission, and pervs at other women in the street (i think they all do), but is at home with me every night, and looks after me really well in every other ways. I have asked him to go to a shrink, he has agreed he will but has done nothing about it. i think you cannot press people into it, they have to want to know whats going on inside.
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| ToucheBaby |
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Posted: 10/16/2006 9:33 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 93
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on a beach
Hawaii
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| wittyusername wrote: | |
Ms SnippySnip, We have been married since August of this year. Together for a year before that. He hadnt been violent with me. However, on our honeymoon when i picked a fight and complained about lack of sex, i threatened divorce as an option if we cannot be compatible, he lost it and lunged across the room, what he calls ‘restraining me‘, he had me pinned onto the floor unable to move while he yelled in my face. This sort of restraining thing has happened twice since in subsequent fights. once i accused him of being passionless so he pushed me onto the floor from the bed, grabbed my wrists and held me down screaming "is this enough passion for you"? He has never hit me, just seems to eventually lose control when i criticise him. He says he doesnt know what to do to make it stop. (meaning me and my criticising). Apart from that he lies by omission, and pervs at other women in the street (i think they all do), but is at home with me every night, and looks after me really well in every other ways. I have asked him to go to a shrink, he has agreed he will but has done nothing about it. i think you cannot press people into it, they have to want to know whats going on inside.
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Whittyusername...This man is a bomb waiting to explode! You did not pick a fight wanting to be intimate on your honeymoon! I see control issues. A serious sexual dysfunction. Your honeymoon is supposed to be a beautiful beginning for what is to come. Oh! I think he prefers you to be upset.... for him to want to have sex. Thats what he prefered and tried on your honeymoon. Hes not inclined otherwise. Thats why he gets upset! You are not criticizing him for wanting to have passionate sex. HE has issues! Big ones!
He has never hit you...he will. Restraining is just the beginning. Each time he does it builds his confidence to do again. His behavior is totally unacceptable. You need to protect yourself! You cant be passive about this.
Its only going to get worse. Tell him you know how to make it stop...and leave.. I understand you just married.. Treatment might help and it might not. Only he can determine that. If he is truly passionate about the marriage he will go...and hes already dragging his feet. Its very sad to hear this is happening to you. If your upset about this now...imagine 1yr down the road. Whatever you do has to be done now. Please feel free to vent ...you will find many opinions here and hopefully one will be right for you. 
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| wittyusername |
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Posted: 10/16/2006 10:54 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 80
Total Posts: 38
sydney
Australia
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Wow. That‘s a lot for me to digest right now. unfortunately, i think it has to be worse than it is for me to give up and walk away. If he ever hits me outright, i will move on the same day.
The mind isnt ready to let go yet.
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| Momof4Crabs |
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Posted: 10/17/2006 9:04 AM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 3050
We be Jammin in
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| wittyusername wrote: | | Thank you for the advice. I want to clarify its not that we dont have sex during other times, its just not very often, and usually there is build up to it like kissing or foreplay etc. When i am vulnerable and upset he gets an erection without any physical contact with me, just by looking. We were at counselling a while back to learn better communication and i brought it up, the counsellor asked me if i ever considered he was just trying to make it up to me by showing physical love post fighting. Fair question, however it never rang true to me. I have had relationships where make up sex post fighting occurs, that feels familiar and nothing to question over. This is different. I do feel he is turned on by my suffering. I have asked him if he thinks he may have tendencies for dominance/submission type games, but he assures me he isnt. and i dont really know much about any of that anyway. Its not something that happens often, but often enough to make me think it will happen again. |
I think the counselor is full of crap. He‘s not turned on at make up time-it‘s while you are sobbing and hurt.
A normal male response to a crying and hurting woman is one of two things-1-he‘ll try to get the hell out of there-leave the room, even storm out-feeling that you‘re using your tears to get your way.
OR
2) He will comfort you-soothe you, hug you kiss you and tell you to stop crying-it‘s going to be ok...
Neither involves a hard on, or violent sex.
Angry sex is a whole other thing-the woman usually isn;t crying-she‘s spitting mad, and so is the man.Usually, fast, with alot of grabbing and maybe even cursing at each other(and biting too...lol)-I LOVE angry sex...
Make up sex is when you are making up and starting to feel contrite or justified in the argument-a great high, and a great opportunity for some prolonged foreplay and sex.
Again-none of these things involve getting turned on by someone elses emotional pain.
He‘s going to explode someday, and it‘s going to be ugly. Please prepare yourself, and make sure you are ready to leave if you need to immediately.
You can also pot in the abuse section-this definately sounds abusive.
(((HUGS)))
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| ToucheBaby |
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Posted: 10/17/2006 7:19 PM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 93
Total Posts: 2966
on a beach
Hawaii
United States
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| wittyusername wrote: | |
Wow. That‘s a lot for me to digest right now. unfortunately, i think it has to be worse than it is for me to give up and walk away. If he ever hits me outright, i will move on the same day. The mind isnt ready to let go yet.
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Give up and walk away?? I understand your just married. I would think being held down against your will and screaming in your face counts for something.
Try to think of how you feel. Not depending on IF he goes to therapy. You‘ve said he said he will go. He is acknowledging there is a problem. If he continues to avoid going. Things will only get worse. You have to establish the line and let him know what it is. And do what you have to do if he crosses it. Waiting for it to get worse...has to be tough on you. Please be careful.
In the event you have to leave him...remember its not your failure..no woman deserves to be restrained,punched,bullied or emotionally abused by a man...EVER!!
Good luck!
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| stacyloo |
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Posted: 5/13/2008 10:10 AM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 26
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sapulpa
Oklahoma
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thats very weird what if thats just the beginning what if he starts trying to hit you or even worse toture you or kill you because he gets off by you being in pain girl this man seems nuts you seriously need to leave him before he seriously hurts you or ends up killing you and having sex with your dead body or something eww he sounds like a creep!!!  
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| sunny fl |
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Posted: 6/3/2008 10:31 AM |
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Subject: ISSUES? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 42
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tireofhisshit
Maine
United States
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| Tony_Jones wrote: | Sounds like you are just on the rag! Maybe if you did the dishes or vaccumed or folded some laundry you‘d feel better.
Say, you know why they call it PMS?
Because Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
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Hey Tony your mom called and said your better have your room cleaned and the lawn mowed before she gets home from work or no samwich for you tonight!!
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