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bkj5138
  Posted: 1/18/2012 9:58 PM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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This is what my home life is like:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HhF8cYK2HhA

Despite what you hear, he is mostly very good with my kids.  He spends a lot of time with them and is very involved.  I do not want to break up the family unless it is absolutely necessary.  I‘d love advice on the best thing to do.


RambleOn
  Posted: 1/25/2012 2:35 PM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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So,you will tolerate this abuse from him to save your family.But what happens when that abuse is directed at your kids? It‘s really only a matter of time as they age they will talk back to him and he WILL not be able to handle that.And how can you think this isn‘t already effecting them?Will you leave then? I suggest that you take the test below and honestly take stock of your reactions to this and know that you are far from alone but that some women wise up and actually find a way out!

http://www.sexhelp.com/am-i-a-sex-addict/betrayal-bond-index

Please read this.You will recognize yourself in almost every page.

http://www.amazon.com/Betrayal-Bond-Breaking-Exploitive-Relationships/dp/1558745262

It‘s about love addiction too and that‘s why I stayed with my alcoholic,verbally abusive husband for over 24 years hoping that one day,he would STOP! He never did.So my only recourse was to split up my family and get divorced.

Had I not,I‘d never have known the self love and self respect that keeps me out of relationships with abusers!

Were you raised in an abusive environment?

I was and it is part of why it was normal to me.

Abuse is NOT normal.

My xH was raised by just the sort of man he became.

Disrespectful

Abusive

Unloving

Devoid of Empathy

Defensive

Blameshifting

Angry

Rude

Heartless

Oh so apologetic and claiming he would change,but couldn‘t as it was too engrained in him.

And in the end,I tolerated it because over the years,his abuse lowered my self worth to the point that I BELIEVED what he said to me.

 

Well..I am here to remind you.......

 

He is PROJECTING all his own sh*t onto you and your not supposed to sit that and take it to save your family.

 

YOU are hurting your kids by staying in that sort of abusive environment and one day,you son or daughter will grow up to be no different than you or your husband....if YOU don‘t change your reaction to him by standing up for yourself...........and ENDING THE ABUSE!

 

Try reading......Codependant NO More by Pia Melody too.And get yourself an individual therapist to help you work thru you low self esteem issues or you may never leave him for your own good and the good of your children!

 

If you don‘t consider your safety and happiness absolutely necessary,then you should stay and put up with every ounce of abuse he has to dish out and never consider yourself worthy of love,care or respect.



mechanicaldoll
  Posted: 1/28/2013 4:51 PM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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i grew up watching my mom get abused by my father...and my mom tolerated it bc she wanted our family to stay together, and i swore to myswld i wont do the same...i didnt know any better when i was younger, but if i realized what was going on back than like i do now, i myself would‘ve told my mother to leave bc even if the father isnt abusing the children, its still an emotional abuse to them from seeing their mother being treated like that. leave him! if he‘s good with hus kids, let him see them, but at least they wont wittness their own mother beaing treated like crap. also ur kids might end up growing up thinking its normal...and both u and i and everyone else know its not k. thats why im getting divorced too. my mother was mainly beaten, but my husband has never actually hit me n so it took a very ling time for me to recognize verbal abuse (even after talking to him he still doesnt see it that way)...our kid is 3 and its hard to tare family apart, but it‘ll be much better for my little girl to see me happy instead of being depressed all the time. they can feel when there us something wrong and it reflects on them.

wildflower72
  Posted: 5/11/2013 9:22 PM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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I ended a 2 yr relationship because of the verbal abuse...nothing I did was good enough and my ex was a terrible blameshifter to the point that he was the hard-done-by victim of everyone...especially from women from the past and myself.  When I started to stand up for myself and refused to accept the constant blame he placed on me, he would get very angry, and the nasty name calling would begin. I loved this man very much, and wanted to marry him...but every time he tore into me with the name calling and put-downs...a part of my love for him slowly died.  I still carry the hurt with me today...I have flash-backs about all the awful stuff he said to me...and about me to others. Emotionally, I was devastated...and I am sad to say I had an emotional break-down at the end of our relationship when I finally left him. I couldn‘t work, burst out crying when anything reminded me of him or things that happened between us...and had massive depression and suicidal thoughts much of the time. He had other behaviours that were equally bad, he was controlling, suspicious, negative, and didn‘t have much of anything good to say about anyone. He had massive up and down mood swings. All I can say is that when it was good...it was so good that it seemed to compensate for the bad stuff...we did have amazing chemistry together, had lots in common...he was charming and charismatic when he was in a good mood. Idk...I guess I just saw what good there was in him.  This relationship almost killed me, though...and fortunately I had good friends to see me through some very dark days...I am not currently dating or looking to still...I just can‘t seem to get over what happened to me enough to move on with another man...so for now, I just focus on myself, my friends, my hobbies and my little part time job I now have...one day at a time.

Mamachita
  Posted: 5/20/2013 8:18 AM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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bkj5138 wrote:

 

 

Despite what you hear, he is mostly very good with my kids.  He spends a lot of time with them and is very involved.  I do not want to break up the family unless it is absolutely necessary.  I‘d love advice on the best thing to do.


Hi Dear,

I didn‘t get to see or hear the video.  It doesn‘t matter. 

Sooner or later he will be the same with the kids.  Or, he will have the kids hating you.  Which would you prefer?

By staying with this man YOU are in fact also teaching your children that it is okay for any of them to call you names.  If you have a son, he will learn to abuse his wife.  If you have a daughter, she will learn to take abuse and stay with her abuser, because her mother did.

I don‘t care what you got to do, where you got to live etc.  You need to get off your but, become independent and keep your face to the wind.

You need to start thinking of yourself as your best friend. If you saw your best friend‘s husband treating her the same way, yelling those things at her, WHAT would you tell her? Now, tell that to yourself.

There isn‘t any cure for this. Sorry. A gazillion counselors couldn‘t help this situation. You can‘t change him. However, you can change yourself. Go to an abuse counselor.   No if ands or buts about it.   The counselor needs to specialize in abuse to help you. If the counselor isn‘t good, find another.

You need to start planning your divorce. Yes, I said the "D" word. You will need a heads up in order for him not to bully you into thinking how horrible it will be. You have a video of him yelling at you and screaming at you in front of the kids? Take it to a safe deposit box at the bank.  Make several copies of the abuse.  You will need it.

Next time he starts yelling and following you around the house, call the police.  They will escort his ass out of the house.  If he has threatened to hit you or kill you, you then have the means to get an order of protection.

There are advocates at the courthouse that can help you with this.  Call the abuse hotlines.  Once you get him out of the house, you can file for divorce.  He can only have half.  That is it.  NO matter what he threatens you with.



CoolGramma
  Posted: 7/19/2013 4:20 PM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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Get your entire family to a family therapist-someone who will work with the whole family.  These problems rarely exist only between the two people who are supposed to be the adults.  If you think your children are not being affected, you‘re wrong.  My "children" are 42 and 37 and they are still being affected by their father‘s emotional and verbal abuse of me and them, even after a divorce that ended a 42 year old marriage.  They are both banging their heads against a wall to get some kind of resolution to what happened to our family.  Repeat.  A family therapist is best able to work with all the forces in your marriage that are affecting everyone.  My error was in going for couple‘s counseling with a man who didn‘t want to be there.  i should have opted for a family therapist or a divorce instead of waiting until he walked out on me and lied to everyone that I had asked for a divorce!  And they believed him!  Now he is still, three years after the divorce, in charge of the financial reins.  I am working hard to break free with an advanced degree but meanwhile he wants out of the alimony.  Get to a family therapist and stop making excuses for him.  The next person that a ratty guy picks on after his wife, are his children, no matter how good he seems to them now.

MrTrueBlue
  Posted: 8/29/2013 9:45 AM Subject: My experience with verbal abuse
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RambleOn wrote, with me answering in bold:

My xH was raised by just the sort of man he became.

Disrespectful

As you were to him and your xOM‘s wife. Not only did you mess around with her husband, you had a disrespectful attitude about her

Devoid of Empathy

As you were to him and your xOM‘s wife

Defensive

As you were when people here called you on your hypocrisy.

Blameshifting

As you did. Blaming everyone BUT yourself for your decision to screw around with a married man and cheat on your husband.

Angry

As you were because you messed around with someone elses husband, and became scorned when he decided to end it.

Rude

As you were with regards to your attitude about xMM‘s wife

Heartless

As you were with regards to xMM‘s wife and the comments you made about her.


You want to rally against the jackass of a MM you decided to screw around with, fine. Fair enough, he deserves it.

But don‘t come on a site where women have suffered at the hands of their husbands and boyfriends because they were with someone like you and blame everyone but yourself for YOUR CHOICES. It gets old.



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