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    WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Advice regarding emotionally abuse

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Inspired01
  Posted: 7/23/2011 12:13 PM Subject: Advice regarding emotionally abuse
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I have been in a sexual relationship with a man for three and a half years. I spent all these years showing him who I am, showing him all of my love, regardless of what he‘s done to hurt me. I am a loving, educated, passionate woman. I met this man and thought I could inspire him, impact him, heal him. I often have a positive effect on people, so, I thought it would work with him too. But it hasn‘t. Nothing I‘ve ever done has made him any less abusive. There have been moments, few and far between, where he is responsive to the love I give, where he shows me some emotion. The emotion is subtle, but since I‘m perceptive, I am able to pick up on it. For the most part though, he is purposely indifferent and cruel. He knows that his indifference kills me, and he does this on purpose just to spite me. He will go out of his way to hurt me sometimes, make up stories just to get a reaction from me. It seems as though he truly takes pleasure in my pain, and it doesn‘t make any sense to me. He is not the type of guy that will hurt me and then say he‘s sorry. He‘s never apologetic. He‘s never remorseful. He has a lack of empathy and is only meaner to me when I am already hurting. He is the type to kick you when you are down. He knows what my insecurities are, and he plays on them. He‘s never hit me. But the emotional, verbal and psychological abuse is severe. He is selfish in every aspect but especially sexually. He is only concerned with his pleasure and gets irritated if I complain that something hurts when we‘re having sex. He thinks I should just "shut up and take it."
I have serious "daddy issues" that I am currently in therapy for, and we‘ve been able to attribute some of those issues to my present situation with this man. Although I am aware logically that I have the power in my hands to leave him, it feels like I just can‘t. I just don‘t want to. But when is it going to be enough? He‘s hurt me so badly. But it‘s like I never get mad at him for it. I just get sad. I cry. I ask myself why. I wonder if it‘s something I did or didn‘t do. But I have yet to get angry.
There‘s a part of me that is capable, stable, healthy, powerful, confident. I have never allowed him to dim my light, no matter how hard he‘s tried. And I do stand up to him, in healthy ways, even though it‘s gotten me nowhere. But there‘s also a very insecure part that lives within me, and I feel that is the part that‘s kept me so attached to the situation.
He‘s been able to admit before that he‘s "no good for me," and he doesn‘t think he deserves me. But I‘ve never left. I know he feels something, but it is like he‘s incapable of expressing whatever he‘s feeling in any kind of healthy way.
 
I would like to know how one breaks free from a situation like this. I would also like to know what you think of his behavior based on the information I‘ve shared.


Osiris Risen
  Posted: 7/23/2011 6:28 PM Subject: Advice regarding emotionally abuse
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"I met this man and thought I could inspire him, impact him, heal him. I often have a positive effect on people, so, I thought it would work with him too"


It sounds like he was your pet project.    Men hate, repeat hate being re-modelled, remade, ‘improved‘ by their girlfriends/wives.   They DO NOT see it as help, they see it as their SO telling them ‘you are broken and I am going to fix you. I am going to turn you into something that I want even if it isn‘t what you want.‘  What if he doesn‘t think that he is broken?  What if he doesn‘t want or require your help even if he is ‘broken‘?  Foisting your views and opinions about how a person should be isn‘t loving.  It is controlling, manipulative and worse motherly.   Men see a woman‘s fussing over him as maternal behaviour and he doesn‘t want you to be his mother, that is incredibly unsexy.

Men don‘t have much empathy it is an emotion that was never strengthened in men during their childhood/youth.   Boys who were always feeling others pain etc got beaten up regularly until they learned to suppress it.   While he isn‘t devoid of empathy he isn‘t any where near your level of empathy.   You should stop expecting so much from him.

Men and women live in different worlds.  What is acceptable in one world often isn‘t in the other.  My advice to you is just leave him alone for a while.  If you feel like offering unsolicited advice then don‘t.   In man world you don‘t offer another man unasked for advice, unless he is your son, brother, nephew.  If a man wants your advice he will ask.

You are trying to do too much for this man and believe me he resents you for it.  Let him get on with his own thing.   Don‘t be tempted to say to him ‘oh honey you aren‘t going to wear that tie with that shirt?‘   He won‘t see that in a way a woman would, as friendly, even loving advice.  He will see it as yet another example of your controlling behaviour.   Leave him alone, let him know that you don‘t think that he is broken and needs your help and watch the anger and indifference vanish.






Smittens
  Posted: 8/5/2011 7:31 PM Subject: Advice regarding emotionally abuse
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@I would like to know how one breaks free from a situation like this. I would also like to know what you think of his behavior based on the information Ive shared.


             You just have to say good bye or admit that u are wiling to continue living with him and feeling the way you do :(


               Men do not change and u can not make them or teach them too or even love them too.Even if they do with mental help im talking professional help they will always have the things u want to change still in them and it will reappear.
                If he is not what u want i would face it and move on to some one who is.No matter how long u have been together and how long it has taken you to find out this.Its worth it to just move on don‘t look back by not spending no more time unhappy or trying to change some one and being stressed out about it.
                    I promise you their is a man out there you do not have to change that when u do finally meet will just fit with your personality,strengths,goals everything like u were meant to be with out trying to change him or teach him anything.Don‘t waste your time no more put your time into finding the right man for you he is out their waiting.


ToucheBaby
  Posted: 8/12/2011 9:16 AM Subject: Advice regarding emotionally abuse
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It sounds to me you‘re resolving your daddy issues as you speak.  Sometimes we find validation in the strangest of places.

Its fascinating to observe someone incapable of being respectful and nice to another human being.  If nothing else it certainly proves you arent the one with the problem.

It dosent hurt this time around...does it?  ;) 



gurl
  Posted: 9/28/2011 10:35 PM Subject: Advice regarding emotionally abuse
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Wow, this sounds like the scenario I‘m living in. Except that we are newly married. And we didn‘t date very long before getting married. We now live together. It seems that since we got married the emotional abuse started. And I don‘t know why I stay. I know I can do better. Maybe I fear that I will never find anyone else?? It hurts. I never wanted to be married and then separated within months of eachother.... that is not how I saw my life unfolding. What do I do? And I have suspicions he is cheating on me. I have so much going on, I don‘t know how to deal with it all. I am not strong enough.



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