WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / How do I "change" him

I know in my own experience, I went back so many times and gave my husband so many chances to change before I finally decided to leave for good.  I had to decide in my mind that the relationship was finally over and there was nothing I could do to” fix things”. I had tried everything I could possibly do, like go to marriage counseling and therapy for myself. I realized that he just wasn’t doing his part in trying to make the relationship work, and was only doing further damage, and it was all one sided. Also, I finally realized that he was not planning on changing and I either had to except things the  way they were, which was horribly abusive and damaging to my children and myself, or get out and make a new life for me and my kids. I decided on the latter and, although it has been a very painful experience to let go of the relationship for me, it was the best decision I have made!

Well, Bubblecropper, I can relate to your frustration.  It has to be exhausting listening to these stories over and over.  I don‘t post as much in the "Abuse" forum these days, because I find myself saying the same things over and over and over. 

But while I get tired from talking about it, I know that at one time, I was right where these women are at, and remember how long it took me to come out of denial, or the point at which I stopped letting fear control me.  There were women who were there for me during that time, and patiently told me - over and over - that I did not have to live this way, and that I really could leave.  It took years for me to finally do it.

So when I look at it from that perspective, I know I can be a little more patient with those who are in abusive relationships and not ready to leave.  Had it not been for those who helped and encouraged me, I probably would have never left.

What keeps me coming here is knowing that I need to give something back.

Counseling is a tough job, because you are listening to people‘s problems all day.  I always thought I‘d like a job like that, but I‘m sure it gets exhausting, and that you get tired of dealing with people who don‘t want to help themselves. 

Re. Trying to change men.  Oh yeah!  I did lots of that.  Was I successful?  Not at all.  I think most women try changing a man before they finally throw in the towel and admit that a relationship is hopeless. 

And the nature of abusive relationships is that you are told that everything is your fault, so until a woman finally accepts that she is dealing with an abuser who will never assume responsibility for anything he does, she will keep trying to change or modfy her behavior - trying to anticipate what will upset him - looking for the "magic formula" to create peace in her household. 

And with almost all women - if there are children involved - there is a stronger than average motivation to make a go of a marriage and to hold a family together.  Single parenthood is frightening to a lot of women, and lack of money and resources can make a lot of women feel trapped.  It usually isn‘t until her life is threatened, or the safety of her children is threatened, before she finally realizes its too dangerous to stay.

And the other thing I will say is you just have to give them the facts, encourage them to talk about their feelings, and share your observations and concerns.  And do what you can to take care of yourself, so that you don‘t "internalize" other people‘s problems.

One thing I tell people is that you can‘t change anyone but yourself.  They just have to learn it for themselves.

Sunshine....I am sure it was a very painful decision for you to let go, but you did make the right choice, you had did everything you possibly could... but he wasn‘t doing his part, and did not plan to change.   You can‘t make a man change, you were smart enough to realize that.

You are a very strong woman for walking away, I wish you the very best......

Come back here anytime you need support.  I hope you have found happiness in your life now, free of abuse and pain.

sunshine....I am glad you found this website to come to, I can tell you will be an asset here for women who are being abused.  Much good advice is given here in the abuse section from many different women who have been there.

Unless you have been there, its really hard to understand. 

Its really all about respect.  My husband no longer dis-respects me.  Abuse is disrespect.  I will not tolerate that from him or anyone. 

Being involved in an abusive relationship has made me a much stronger person. 

We are all healing, and better days are ahead.

Good luck to you and your family....

bubblecropper wrote:

Well thank you so much ladies for sharing your thoughts and sharing your stories. It means a lot to me And Rhi, yes its a tough job and sometimes I feel a little burnt out and frustrated, thats when I know I need some "me" time and I take it. But, for all of the frustration, its also really rewarding when you see the improvement that people can make to their lives with just a little help. I always greatly admire the fact that you give such great advice here to people, and you are always so patient and tactful. I got into this because I wanted to help women like me. What I really want to do is actually educate younger girls so that they don‘t make the mistake in the first place. Self-worth plays such an important role...I have nieces in their teens and twenties and I already see that they define their success by whether they have a boyfriend or not. I know I was one of those girls that was given the message that you are nothing unless you can get a man and keep him...sooooo old-fashioned but still somewhat ingrained into society. All the girls magazines are all about "100 ways to make him stay", "100 ways to tell if he‘s love you"...Ahhhhh!!!! If that attitude doesn‘t change, then we are setting future generations of women up for more of the same.

You are so right Bubbles, attitudes do need to change. 

Attitudes have changed a lot through the generations.  And I am sure will continue to change.  It used to be acceptable for a man to abuse his wife.  There were no laws against it.  No womens shelters. 

Everything was always about the man.  Not as much anymore.  Society is changing. 

As mothers we have to teach our daughters to be strong and to not put up with any crap.  We have to teach our sons to respect women and to treat them as their equal.  Women don‘t need a man to be successful.  She can do it all on her own, just as a man can.

But we all know what sells magazines and those "How to please you man" articles will probably be around for a while.  There is still a long way to go .

As a counsler, I imagine it does get very frustrating for you.  But you are a special person for wanting to help, so many people just don‘t care.  It is people like you who will help bring about the change.  Keep up the good work......