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| Love Me Do |
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Posted: 2/26/2010 11:41 PM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 18
Total Posts: 2
Gurnee
Illinois
United States
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I‘ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and I‘ve started to notice some signs of an abusive man.
He‘s pretty possessive, and always needs my attention.
He often gets mood swings, about twice a week. He‘ll get very sad and stressed out, and will avoid seeing me for the whole day without even explaining to me what‘s wrong. If I do get him to finally talk to me, he goes on about how he can‘t make me happy, and that he doesn‘t deserve me. Once that‘s over, he‘ll go back to the caring, romantic guy he usually is.
I recently found out that his father used to abuse him, and his father is an alcoholic. He also doesn‘t have any important person in his life.
The behavior that got me most concerned is how he tends to get more rough when he‘s unhappy. Even something playful like a little poke on the cheek feels much harder than it usually is. I‘ve noticed he‘s much more rough while joking around with his guy friends as well.
Not to mention that he likes to do things like spank my butt very hard during sex. Though I enjoy it, and I obviously give him consent to do so, he‘s much more well built than most men are, it‘s painful. He seems to enjoy seeing me in a submissive situation.
Could these be signs of an abusive man? Should I be careful? He does care about me quite a bit, and I can tell he‘s a great man. If these signs lead to problems later on, I‘m willing to bring up the idea of counseling.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks!
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| Kahlan |
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Posted: 2/27/2010 5:07 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 28
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I‘m sorry to be the bringer of bad news - but this has already escalated into abuse.
I‘ll break it down into the red flags you‘ve already noticed and try to explain why it‘s already abusive.
1) "He‘s pretty possessive, and always needs my attention."
We obviously enjoy very much being with someone who makes us feel good. But the second you step into the word "possession", you transcend the comfort mark, and enter the world of abuse. If he‘s possessive, i.e making you feel guilty about seeing other people or completing tasks without him, he‘s not giving you the advantage of choice. He‘s forcing you. In a relationship you should never force anyone to do anything.
2) "He often gets mood swings, about twice a week. He‘ll get very sad and stressed out, and will avoid seeing me for the whole day without even explaining to me what‘s wrong. If I do get him to finally talk to me, he goes on about how he can‘t make me happy, and that he doesn‘t deserve me. Once that‘s over, he‘ll go back to the caring, romantic guy he usually is."
So it‘s fine for him to possess you and demand your full and undivided attention, but at the same time it‘s perfectly acceptable for him to withdraw his attention, time, or even physical presence (!). He doesn‘t feel like he should explain anything about this. This is called passive-aggressive abuse. When you force him to speak to you, he turns it on you in a very subtle way. He in a way blames you for being good, and plays the victim because, allegedly, he can‘t make you happy. This is akin to an abuser accusing his significant other that nothing ever makes her happy - when he‘s doing about 100% of things wrong, and he knows it. Again, this is abuse, and by no means a healthy relationship between two people who mutually respect each other.
3) "I recently found out that his father used to abuse him, and his father is an alcoholic. He also doesn‘t have any important person in his life."
These are two different things, that stem down to the same conclusion. If his father used to abuse him, it should be no excuse for him becoming an abuser - but it definitely creates a very fertile ground for him to follow the same path of revenge and lack of respect. Not having any important people in his life shows a sociopath, someone who is exactly the kind of thing you fear. If you‘re a normal person with normal behaviour and a good personality, no matter how hard you try to shut people out, they will still be in your life and check up on you. The fact that nobody cares about him too much is none of your fault. Please don‘t try to mother him or fix him. People don‘t change.
4) "The behavior that got me most concerned is how he tends to get more rough when he‘s unhappy. Even something playful like a little poke on the cheek feels much harder than it usually is. I‘ve noticed he‘s much more rough while joking around with his guy friends as well."
You have every reason to be concerned. Would you poke your mother harder if you‘re having a rough day? Would you accept your daughter‘s boyfriend poking her harder if things aren‘t working out for him? The fact that he does it with his friends also is irrelevant. Extreme parallel: "He punches me in the face, but he also punches his male friends in the face". It‘s an unacceptable behaviour and the two are linked.
My ex fiance always tickled very hard, to the point where I would beg him to stop and he just wouldn‘t. Also, during a play-wrestling match, he got me on the floor and twisted my back so hard that I cried out and then had to shut my eyes and really try to focus to get my breathing back to normal and stop crying. His reaction was to keep shouting at me, telling me it was my fault, and he was only playing anyway. Does this sound acceptable to you? My ex‘s first signs were the playful poking, and although it never went as far as actual physical abuse, I think intentionally inflicting any kind of pain or discomfort on a person is still abuse.
5) "Not to mention that he likes to do things like spank my butt very hard during sex. Though I enjoy it, and I obviously give him consent to do so, he‘s much more well built than most men are, it‘s painful. He sems to enjoy seeing me in a submissive situation."
A bit of raw animalism during sex is very enjoyable. Things like growling, purring, scratching, biting, oh la la, RAWR! But hard spanking by a man who‘s much bigger than you? Especially in the context of all the things you described above? It would certainly give some pause. And your last sentence is a huge red flag.
I‘m not going to tell you to leave him, although my heart feels like screaming for you to get the hell away and keep your physical self and your inner self safe. He‘s already an abuser. It doesn‘t matter if he shows signs of "otherwise" being a great guy, his true colours are showing already. Please think about walking away. It‘s only been six months.
As a little experiment if you don‘t want to walk away, is to try and react to these situations - DO NOT ALLOW THEM and do not even consider beginning to allow them! Make it clear that you will not tolerate it! Your intuition has brought you to this website. It‘s called womansavers for a reason! Listen to that voice within you and don‘t put up with this! See how he responds. If he gets more abusive, then you have your answer right there and then!
Please let us know of your thoughts and of any developments. No worries about long posts, the more you explain about a situation the better. We‘re here for you girlie.
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 2/27/2010 5:27 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1667
dublin
Ireland
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I have bumped up two information posts with valuable insite into who abusive men are....please read, if you recognise your boyfriend in any of what is written, break up now.
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| Moogleangelgirl |
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Posted: 2/27/2010 8:44 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 33
Total Posts: 431
Where I live
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| Kahlan wrote: |
I‘m sorry to be the bringer of bad news - but this has already escalated into abuse.
I‘ll break it down into the red flags you‘ve already noticed and try to explain why it‘s already abusive.
1) "He‘s pretty possessive, and always needs my attention."
We obviously enjoy very much being with someone who makes us feel good. But the second you step into the word "possession", you transcend the comfort mark, and enter the world of abuse. If he‘s possessive, i.e making you feel guilty about seeing other people or completing tasks without him, he‘s not giving you the advantage of choice. He‘s forcing you. In a relationship you should never force anyone to do anything.
2) "He often gets mood swings, about twice a week. He‘ll get very sad and stressed out, and will avoid seeing me for the whole day without even explaining to me what‘s wrong. If I do get him to finally talk to me, he goes on about how he can‘t make me happy, and that he doesn‘t deserve me. Once that‘s over, he‘ll go back to the caring, romantic guy he usually is."
So it‘s fine for him to possess you and demand your full and undivided attention, but at the same time it‘s perfectly acceptable for him to withdraw his attention, time, or even physical presence (!). He doesn‘t feel like he should explain anything about this. This is called passive-aggressive abuse. When you force him to speak to you, he turns it on you in a very subtle way. He in a way blames you for being good, and plays the victim because, allegedly, he can‘t make you happy. This is akin to an abuser accusing his significant other that nothing ever makes her happy - when he‘s doing about 100% of things wrong, and he knows it. Again, this is abuse, and by no means a healthy relationship between two people who mutually respect each other.
3) "I recently found out that his father used to abuse him, and his father is an alcoholic. He also doesn‘t have any important person in his life."
These are two different things, that stem down to the same conclusion. If his father used to abuse him, it should be no excuse for him becoming an abuser - but it definitely creates a very fertile ground for him to follow the same path of revenge and lack of respect. Not having any important people in his life shows a sociopath, someone who is exactly the kind of thing you fear. If you‘re a normal person with normal behaviour and a good personality, no matter how hard you try to shut people out, they will still be in your life and check up on you. The fact that nobody cares about him too much is none of your fault. Please don‘t try to mother him or fix him. People don‘t change.
4) "The behavior that got me most concerned is how he tends to get more rough when he‘s unhappy. Even something playful like a little poke on the cheek feels much harder than it usually is. I‘ve noticed he‘s much more rough while joking around with his guy friends as well."
You have every reason to be concerned. Would you poke your mother harder if you‘re having a rough day? Would you accept your daughter‘s boyfriend poking her harder if things aren‘t working out for him? The fact that he does it with his friends also is irrelevant. Extreme parallel: "He punches me in the face, but he also punches his male friends in the face". It‘s an unacceptable behaviour and the two are linked.
My ex fiance always tickled very hard, to the point where I would beg him to stop and he just wouldn‘t. Also, during a play-wrestling match, he got me on the floor and twisted my back so hard that I cried out and then had to shut my eyes and really try to focus to get my breathing back to normal and stop crying. His reaction was to keep shouting at me, telling me it was my fault, and he was only playing anyway. Does this sound acceptable to you? My ex‘s first signs were the playful poking, and although it never went as far as actual physical abuse, I think intentionally inflicting any kind of pain or discomfort on a person is still abuse.
5) "Not to mention that he likes to do things like spank my butt very hard during sex. Though I enjoy it, and I obviously give him consent to do so, he‘s much more well built than most men are, it‘s painful. He sems to enjoy seeing me in a submissive situation."
A bit of raw animalism during sex is very enjoyable. Things like growling, purring, scratching, biting, oh la la, RAWR! But hard spanking by a man who‘s much bigger than you? Especially in the context of all the things you described above? It would certainly give some pause. And your last sentence is a huge red flag.
I‘m not going to tell you to leave him, although my heart feels like screaming for you to get the hell away and keep your physical self and your inner self safe. He‘s already an abuser. It doesn‘t matter if he shows signs of "otherwise" being a great guy, his true colours are showing already. Please think about walking away. It‘s only been six months.
As a little experiment if you don‘t want to walk away, is to try and react to these situations - DO NOT ALLOW THEM and do not even consider beginning to allow them! Make it clear that you will not tolerate it! Your intuition has brought you to this website. It‘s called womansavers for a reason! Listen to that voice within you and don‘t put up with this! See how he responds. If he gets more abusive, then you have your answer right there and then!
Please let us know of your thoughts and of any developments. No worries about long posts, the more you explain about a situation the better. We‘re here for you girlie.
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I agree completely. Well said!
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| shally |
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Posted: 2/27/2010 9:53 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 3
Total Posts: 2420
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After reading what bubbles has bumped for you scroll down to the bottom of this page. There you will find many many helpful articles.
Please read and let it sink in. He‘s abusive and you gotta end it before it escalates.
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| learning |
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Posted: 2/28/2010 8:20 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 4
Total Posts: 443
Around the Corner
Nebraska
United States
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| Love Me Do wrote: | | I‘ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and I‘ve started to notice some signs of an abusive man.
He‘s pretty possessive, and always needs my attention.
He often gets mood swings, about twice a week. He‘ll get very sad and stressed out, and will avoid seeing me for the whole day without even explaining to me what‘s wrong. If I do get him to finally talk to me, he goes on about how he can‘t make me happy, and that he doesn‘t deserve me.
Once that‘s over, he‘ll go back to the caring, romantic guy he usually is.
I recently found out that his father used to abuse him, and his father is an alcoholic. He also doesn‘t have any important person in his life.
The behavior that got me most concerned is how he tends to get more rough when he‘s unhappy. Even something playful like a little poke on the cheek feels much harder than it usually is. I‘ve noticed he‘s much more rough while joking around with his guy friends as well.
Not to mention that he likes to do things like spank my butt very hard during sex. Though I enjoy it, and I obviously give him consent to do so, he‘s much more well built than most men are, it‘s painful. He seems to enjoy seeing me in a submissive situation.
Could these be signs of an abusive man? Should I be careful?
He does care about me quite a bit, and I can tell he‘s a great man. If these signs lead to problems later on, I‘m willing to bring up the idea of counseling.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks! |
To answer your question, it already is abusive. Right now it‘s just subtle enough to fly under your radar. Listen to your instincts. They‘re telling you something is amiss. Always, Always remember: Actions speak louder than words.
My advice is, RUN!
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| Love Me Do |
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Posted: 3/2/2010 8:56 PM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 18
Total Posts: 2
Gurnee
Illinois
United States
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Thank you guys for helping me out.
I recently confronted my boyfriend about this, and he surprisingly took it very well. He didn‘t overreact, which was very good. He has agreed to take counseling, or some other kind of therapy in order to fix his problems.
The mood swings he had, and how he handled them were not healthy. His dependency he has for me is definitely becoming a negative factor in our life, and we both agreed to get past it together to have a better relationship. He promised to change how he deal with things in order to make me happy, and I believe it was a sincere promise.
If he continues to do the same thing and not change his ways, I will of course leave him without hesitation. But although he does have some social and emotional problems, he is a great man at heart, and I believe it‘s at least worth a try to fix the relationship.
Thank you guys, and if I have any more problems, I‘ll make sure to come here to discuss it. :)
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 3/5/2010 4:49 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 32
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It‘s great that he‘s trying hun, and fingers crossed he sorts his issues out...but just don‘t be afraid to come back if you need to ok? Most of us here who have been in abusive relationships gave second chances...unfortunately for us nothing changed, hopefully for you it will..but if it doesn‘t there is no shame in coming back here.
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| cbgb2112 |
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Posted: 3/14/2010 10:03 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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New WomanSaver
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Age: 43
Total Posts: 7
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My experience shows that there is no counseling for these men. A super great book for all to read (men and women) is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for decades and he has great insight. I hope the initial poster does herself a favor and at least reads it.
This book helped me know in my bones that all of the counseling for anger management and domestic violence will not change them.
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| persefone |
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Posted: 3/16/2010 4:29 PM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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New WomanSaver
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Age: 985
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| cbgb2112 wrote: | My experience shows that there is no counseling for these men. A super great book for all to read (men and women) is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for decades and he has great insight. I hope the initial poster does herself a favor and at least reads it.
This book helped me know in my bones that all of the counseling for anger management and domestic violence will not change them. |
I so know this man and this story...he is a a walking lesson in pain and regret.
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| tula1969 |
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Posted: 3/16/2010 4:57 PM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 39
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| learning wrote: |
| Love Me Do wrote: |
| I‘ve been dating my boyfriend for 6 months now, and I‘ve started to notice some signs of an abusive man.
He‘s pretty possessive, and always needs my attention.
He often gets mood swings, about twice a week. He‘ll get very sad and stressed out, and will avoid seeing me for the whole day without even explaining to me what‘s wrong. If I do get him to finally talk to me, he goes on about how he can‘t make me happy, and that he doesn‘t deserve me.
Once that‘s over, he‘ll go back to the caring, romantic guy he usually is.
I recently found out that his father used to abuse him, and his father is an alcoholic. He also doesn‘t have any important person in his life.
The behavior that got me most concerned is how he tends to get more rough when he‘s unhappy. Even something playful like a little poke on the cheek feels much harder than it usually is. I‘ve noticed he‘s much more rough while joking around with his guy friends as well.
Not to mention that he likes to do things like spank my butt very hard during sex. Though I enjoy it, and I obviously give him consent to do so, he‘s much more well built than most men are, it‘s painful. He seems to enjoy seeing me in a submissive situation.
Could these be signs of an abusive man? Should I be careful?
He does care about me quite a bit, and I can tell he‘s a great man. If these signs lead to problems later on, I‘m willing to bring up the idea of counseling.
Sorry for the long post, and thanks! |
To answer your question, it already is abusive. Right now it‘s just subtle enough to fly under your radar. Listen to your instincts. They‘re telling you something is amiss. Always, Always remember: Actions speak louder than words.
My advice is, RUN! |
 Learn,
well said indeed!!
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| bubblecropper |
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Posted: 3/16/2010 10:02 PM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 32
Total Posts: 1667
dublin
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| cbgb2112 wrote: | |
My experience shows that there is no counseling for these men. A super great book for all to read (men and women) is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for decades and he has great insight. I hope the initial poster does herself a favor and at least reads it. This book helped me know in my bones that all of the counseling for anger management and domestic violence will not change them.
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I agree sweetie...but its a lesson that love me do and all of us have to learn ourselves, nobody can tell you when enough is enough...we all just reach a limit and unfortunately for women in abusive relationships they‘ve got a really high tolerance for suffering. I mean, it still astounds me and I talk to women at least twice a week who are in abusive relationships. Really hard not to want to shake them and say "GET OUT" but thats not what they want from me...they want to be heard they want support and they want me to tell them it will get better...that I cannot do, but the support and a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen...well, that I can do.
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| cbgb2112 |
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Posted: 3/17/2010 7:05 AM |
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Subject: Could this turn into an abusive relationship? |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 43
Total Posts: 7
san diego
California
United States
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| bubblecropper wrote: |
| cbgb2112 wrote: |
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My experience shows that there is no counseling for these men. A super great book for all to read (men and women) is "Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men by Lundy Bancroft. He has worked with abusive men for decades and he has great insight. I hope the initial poster does herself a favor and at least reads it.
This book helped me know in my bones that all of the counseling for anger management and domestic violence will not change them. |
I agree sweetie...but its a lesson that love me do and all of us have to learn ourselves, nobody can tell you when enough is enough...we all just reach a limit and unfortunately for women in abusive relationships they‘ve got a really high tolerance for suffering. I mean, it still astounds me and I talk to women at least twice a week who are in abusive relationships. Really hard not to want to shake them and say "GET OUT" but thats not what they want from me...they want to be heard they want support and they want me to tell them it will get better...that I cannot do, but the support and a shoulder to cry on and an ear to listen...well, that I can do.
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You are right. I just hope she does not get physically hurt as she learns this hard lesson.
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