WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Going mad!

Hi

I‘ve posted on here before about my abusive ex and you were all so helpful.

Then my mother ran off and disappeared. Seriously, I feel more and more depressed as time goes on. I‘ve picked myself up and tried to turn my life around. My mother has refused to even see or speak to me and the last time I saw her was April 2008. She arranged to meet me again but never did. I‘ve had one birthday card. There‘s a whole load of stuff that‘s been going on.

Honestly I don‘t know how you guys can help but at this moment i feel like i need to talk to someone. I thought as time went on I‘d feel better, but I don‘t. My life seems to have gone crazy.

My father keeps on frustrating me big time. There‘s things my mother is accusing him of that are awful. Yet she never spoke to me about them when she had the chance. She‘s living at it seems a male friend‘s house?? But denies an affair. Their divorce is literally killing me slowly.

I know I should just try not to let this all get to me but the bizarre behaviours from my mother, the frustrations with my father that my mother used to have that are now seemingly transferring onto me. I found myself behaving like my mother yesterday, saying the same things etc etc. I don‘t know who to believe anymore. All I know is my father is here for me.

I‘m trying to find a permanent job as i had to move after splitting with ex. It‘s all just a constant battle! I can‘t tell my boyfriend everything and I‘m worried I‘m going on about the divorce and not finding a job. He says he‘s there for me, but I just wish I could feel happier.

What do I do?

Hi Shally and Moogleangelgirl,

Thanks for replying and your advice.

You help a lot just being there. This week I‘ve felt particularly down. I seem to have my ups and downs a lot lately but this week felt particularly bad and I felt very stressed at work. Although because it is Friday today I feel much better :-)

I really tried to calm down this morning and it seemed to work. I get worked up about a lot of things and it doesn‘t help at all. I‘m determined to have a relaxing weekend and enjoy my life more. Something seems to have fallen back into place again today and I feel less miserable, thank goodness. My boyfriend keeps reminding me of what I‘ve achieved so far to turn everything around. He‘s lovely Shally, puts my ex fiance to shame.

Sometimes I wonder if it is the winter/cold, which tends to get us all down that is causing it too. Can‘t wait for the summer. An accumulation of a lot of things I guess. One of the things stopping me from seeing a counsellor is the money. I don‘t want an expensive crutch. I did speak to someone for a few sessions but I didn‘t find it as useful. The hurt I feel seems to have to work through me over time and only time can heal it all. Maybe I‘m grieving her.

It‘s all the mess with my mum that is getting me down, on top of finding a permanent job. My Mum‘s boyfriend is there for my mum, she clearly doesn‘t need my support at all. No xmas cards or contact like this is just ruining any mother/daughter relationship that was left. To show any emotional support to her would be pretty hard as I can‘t even phone, write or visit her. I simply have no way of contacting her and that‘s how she likes it.

I feel it is cruel as it‘s all in her control, she simply left me to deal with my dad on my own because she doesn‘t want to hear about how badly he‘s taking it through me. She doesn‘t even know where I moved to. Only way she‘d find out is through police(that‘s even if she wanted to). I can pretty much work out why she is doing it. She piled a whole lot on me when I was already going through a very bad time. Having an affair and running off didn‘t worry her that I‘d maybe decide I didn‘t want to see her after the divorce. I feel extremely taken for granted.

All I see is her setting up a new life with him and not wanting anything to get in the way of it. She‘s just not there and doesn‘t tell me why. I can‘t understand how a mother can behave like that. I‘ve shown more feelings to her as the daughter. No way on earth would I have done something like this and I‘m pretty sure about what she would have said to me if I had.

Thanks for listening it helps to just get it out there sometimes. It works it out of my system for a while.

Thanks Moogleangel,

A lot of what you wrote about your own mum I can relate to. I‘ve experienced a fair bit of verbal/emotional abuse from my mum whilst growing up. Now as an adult I can piece things together more as to why.

I guess as you get older you become wiser. I know that her own mother was the same, if not an awful lot worse. Her family life was not a good one. It‘s just being repeated in much the same way. I believe she also suffers from depression, whether this is due to a personality disorder or something else I don‘t know. I‘m not quite sure how i‘d feel if I was married to my father and that‘s a hard one to figure out but I can‘t get past the affair and the unbelievable and VERY unbelievable lies.

Moogleangel, I think you have it well worked out in regard to the amount of contact you have with your mother. It‘s certainly best for your own emotional wellbeing. I kept thinking this weekend about how parents can really mess with your brain and psychological feelings. Thanks for bringing up how my mother is still a woman, I know what you are saying there and it does help.

I had a wonderful weekend and I feel much better. I‘ve started taking Omega 3 supplements and I‘m sure this is helping too. Plenty of positive thinking and less of the worrying. I certainly let my worry run away with me.

Thanks for reading

BIG HUGS ALL!

Thanks Shally :-)

I‘ve just checked out the website link. It‘s very good! I‘m going to be reading through it all this weekend.

Wow Tula!

Thanks for your message. In it you pretty much cover the things I wanted to say but couldn‘t express. I know exactly where you are coming from and this quote says it all.......

‘Your mum and my mum will always be women within their own rights but for me the day came when I realised I too was a woman in my own rights‘

Thankyou. There are times I wrestle with my emotions over what has happened and what I would do if I ever had contact from her. BUT something there way back in my heart tells me she‘s left me too and I‘m the only one who is upset about that.

I get these low points and then pick myself up. Each low point though seems to denote a kind of new turning point or chapter that strengthens me up emotionally. I definitely feel like i‘ve turned a corner this time.

Thanks Tula for sharing. It‘s good to speak with people who have experienced this kind of feeling of rejection. It certainly helps you realise how not to treat your own children and the rights and wrongs of behaviour towards loved ones.

Thanks

........and thanks Shally. I will try to check in more. It‘s nice to see all the familiar names.

GoGirl:  Ditto to what everyone else has posted.  You‘ve been given very solid advice here.

I truly understand your heartache and pain, and urge you to consider counseling to deal with the family of origin issues, and the emotional trauma.  You are going to need a lot of emotional support to overcome your past, and to come to terms with everything that is happening in your life.

Parents are human beings - not gods - which means they have faults, foibles, shortcomings, and insecurities of their own.  They are guaranteed to disappoint you and let you down just because they are human, and it is okay to be disappointed in them.  Their problems have nothing to do with you, were not caused by you, and none of this is your fault.  It is just the way it is.

You have no control over anyone but yourself, and I encourage you to do what brings you peace. 

It is very important for you to have people to talk to, and to know that you can reach out and receive support.  I am glad you are here, and I hope that things get better for you.

Hi Shally :-)

Things are going well again so far. I keep going with the positive thinking and it helps a lot.

This weekend I‘ve been applying for lots of jobs. All the permanent ones are coming up now, so I‘ve been really busy with those. I‘m determined to keep trying and sort everything out. Once I get a permanent job I‘ll feel much better overall.

I‘ve not been able to see my boyfriend this weekend due to job apps but will see him for a bit this weekend. He‘s being very supportive as he knows it takes up a lot of my time. Had some lovely weather though. Hopefully more this weekend as it picks me up in the sunshine.

I saw my Dad today and seemed more upbeat, which was good.

How are you Shally? What have you been up to?

Thanks for the picture on your last post, it‘s lovely (have saved it on my desktop)

Hi Shally

The job hunt is going well so far. I‘ve got lots of interviews lined up. Will have to see.

I watched the gratefullness video, it‘s very good. Makes you appreciate what you have got now. Lately I‘ve felt much more at peace with everything. I particularly like the angels link and the music. Quite relaxing :-)