WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Ex husbands and their continuous abusiveness

I followed some advice here and yes I am seeing a counselor.  It helps alot.  I posted quite a few things that my exhusband did to me beginning nine years ago, AFTER WE SEPARATED AND DIVORCE.  Now I am seeing a counselor to get throw the SAME THINGS OVER AGAIN. HE WENT AROUND TOWN, MADE FRIENDS AT THE BARS AND THAT, SWEET TALKED HIS WAY INTO OTHER PEOPLE TO GET BACK INTO MY LIFE. 

I WISH I COULD JUST THINK ABOUT THINGS, AND COMPLETELY STOP, AND REFOCUS ON GOOD THINGS, THATS SOMETHING I HAVE TO WORK ON MORE. 

THINGS THAT HAPPENED NINE YEARS AGO, EIGHT YEARS AGO, ARE BEING SAID AROUND TOWN, EXCEPT ITS BEING SAID I DID THOSE THINGS, NOT HIM.  HE‘ S INNOCENT.  THATS NOT TRUE. 

I HAVE A RUMOR GOING AROUND THAT I PILE MY TRASH UP AND DON‘T CLEAN.  THATS NOT TRUE.  ONCE, NINE YEARS AGO.  I HAD JUST HAD MY SURGERY, CSECTION, EVERYTHING WAS DIFFICULT AND HE WAS HURTING ME WHILE I RECOVERED.  WE HAD A GARGE THAT WAS DETACHED IN THE DISTANCE.  HE CARRIED OUR GARBAGE THERE TO THE GARAGE INSTEAD OF TAKING IT TO THE CURB.  THE GARAGE WAS HIS WORKSHOP AND I NEVER WENT IN THERE.  I FOUND OUT MUCH LATER AFTER ALL THE TRASH WAS THERE. AND HIM AND HIS PARENTS TRIED TO SAY IT WAS ME, MY FAULT, IDID IT.  I PROVED INNOCENT AND IT WAS HIM, IT WENT TO COURT ALSO.  ONCE IN MY LIFE THAT HAPPENED AND HE WENT AROUND RECENTLY AND SAID IT ALL OVER TOWN.  THINGS ABOUT OUR SEPARATION AND TURNED EVERYTHING ON ME.  SO , YES I HAVE TO RE DEAL WITH THIS CRAP ALL OVER.  THE LAST TWO RESTRAINING ORDERS , HE DID THE SAME THING,  RUMORS WENT ALL AROUND.

PEOPLE WERESAYING HE IS GOOD MAN, HE SAID SHE DID THIS AND THAT.  IF THAT WAS REALLY TRUE, I WOULDN‘T HAVE MY KIDS, BUT PEOPLE TEND NOT TO THINK ABOUT THINGS THEY ACT ON THEM INSTEAD. 

SO YES HE IS STILL HURTING ME, TRYING TO, NO HE DOESN‘T CONTROL MY LIFE, I DO.  IF HE DID, I WOULD BE DEAD, I WOULD OF GIVEN HIM MY SON.  HE DOESN‘T CONTROL ME,BUT HE TRIES TO HURT ME USING OTHER PEOPLE. 

MY HOUSE IS CLEAN, HAS BEEN, MY KIDS HAVE ALWAYS BEEN TAKEN CARE OF BY ME. 

I HAD SOMEONE YELL I KNOW SHE HAS THIRTY BAGS OF TRASH IN HER HOUSE. 

NO  I DON‘T NEVER DID,  SORRY, WASN‘T ME.  ANDY HE LOADED THE GARAGE UP AND I DIDN‘T KNOW IT, BUT YOU KNOW.  IT DOESN‘T MATTER BECAUSE THAT HAPPENED NINE YEARS AGO. 

I‘M FIGHTING FOR BACK SUPPORT RIGHT NOW, HE SAYS HE DIDN‘T KNOW HE WASN‘T PAYING.  HE WAS SERVED.  HE TOLD ME HE WOULDN‘T PAY AND HE KNEW HE DIDN‘T PAY.  THATS WENT AROUND TOWN TOO.  WELL IF HE LOOKS GOOD AND HAS A NICE CAR.  HE SHOULD HAVE THE KID.  MY CAR IS USED.  THATS ALL.  ITS NOT ANY DIRTIER THAN ANYONE ELSE‘S.  ITS JUST NOT PRETTY AND NEW. 

I EVEN HAD SOMEONE NEAR THE SCHOOL MY SON GOES TO SAY, I WISH SHE WOULD DIE.  NO HE DOESN‘T KNOW ME, HE JUST KNOWS THE RUMORS, AND NO I‘M NOT GOING TO DIE.  BECAUSE WHAT IS BEING SAID IS COMING FORM MY EX, I NEVER SPOKE ONE WORD TO ANYONE ABOUT THESE THINGS,  NEVER NOT EVEN IN MY HOUSE AND ITS ALL OVER TOWN.  SO I NEED MY CAR TO BE PRETTY OR I‘M DIRT, BUT SOMEONE WITH A PRETTY CAR CAN DRAW ON IT AND IT CAN BE FILTHY AND ITS OK, BECAUSE ITS PRETTY. 

EVERY TIME WE GET TO GO TO COURT , I HAVE TO GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.  ITS BEEN TWO OR THREE YEARS SINCE I TRY TO DRAG HIM IN, AND NOW I‘M EVERY NAME INTHE BOOK AGAIN AND HE WAS NEVER ABUSIVE. 

SAME YOUR PAPERWORK, RESTRAINING ORDERS COPIES, IF YOU DON‘T HAVE THEM THERE ARE DOCET NUMBERS AT THE COURT HOUSE.  I SAVED IT ALL.  AND ITS HARD, I GET TIRED OF GETTING HARRASSED BY PEOPLE THAT DON‘T KNOW OR DON‘T CARE.  HE HAS RIGHTS AND I DON‘T THINK THAT PEOPLE REALLY UNDERSTAND THAT IF THEY ARE DANGEROUS AND LOOSE THEIR VISITATION FOR A YEAR OR SO, THAT THE OTHER PARENT IF SOMETHING HAPPENS TO THAT PERSON, THE ABUSIVE PERSON GETS CUSTODY.  EVEN THOUGH HE‘S DONE THESE THINGS.  NO I‘M NOT GOING TO DIE. AND YOU KNOW I WON‘T GIVE UP. 

I‘VE HAD PEOPLE YELL IN THE PAST , GIVE YOUR CHILD UP FOR ADOPTION, WELL, YOU KNOW HE HAS TO SIGN THE PAPER TOO. REALLY, COME ON.  I WOULDN‘T DO THAT ANYWAY.

ITS HARD NOT TO LET IT EFFECT YOU, BUT AFTER NINE YEARS I DO LET ALOT OF THINGS GO, CALL THE POLICE IF I HAVE TO AND ALWAYS PROTECT MYSELF AND MY KIDS. 

HE DID ALOT OF THINGS,  I WISH PEOPLE WOULDN‘T GET ON THE BAND WAGON.  AND REALIZE WHAT‘S REALLY HAPPENING TO SOME OF THE WOMEN THAT GO THROUGH RELAITONSHIPS LIKE THIS. 

Troubled - I completely understand how infuriating it is to have an ex-husband who spreads rumors and tells lies about you.  I also understand how upsetting it is when people actually believe the lies.

It‘s almost tempting to start a rumor of your own... Say that he is HIV positive or is a carrier of Hepatis C.  (Just kidding - LMAO!)  No - two wrongs don‘t make a right.  But you‘re allowed to enterain a spiteful fantasy or two, just to make yourself feel better.

All I can tell you is that people love to talk.  Most of the time, they don‘t care if it‘s true or not.  Eventually, this will be old news, and they will move on to something or someone else.  Remember that anyone who speaks badly of you probably doesn‘t know you very well. 

If your car is clean, your lawn is mowed, and your place is spic & span, chances are, no one is going to believe his drivel for long, or if they do, they don‘t have much of a life.

I say refuse to let it bother you.  Hold your head high.  Carry yourself with dignity.  Laugh off the rumors.  And when people repeat things to you, say "Consider the source!" and "He needs to get a life!"  Or "Garbage in the house?  Yeah I got rid of garbage all right - HIM!" 

Or you could say, "Well, if you choose to listen to a wife beater with an axe to grind, then I feel sorry for you."

I figured that anyone who would believe my ex-husband‘s lies about me was not a friend of mine anyway.  That helped!

Good luck with this.  Refuse to let it continue to upset you.  He is just pushing your buttons.  He knows it bothers you, and then you are under his "control" again.