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MESSAGE
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/22/2010 7:47 PM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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I found out Monday my husband has been seeing someone. Could have been
years of her or other women. I feel so stupid. It‘s my first Friday
alone in 14 years and I don‘t know what to do with this pain.
I tried to get his cell phone from him and he wrestled me down for it
and slammed me in the door as I was trying to escape. I got arrested
for domestic violence because they saw a hand print on him.
Never been this low.
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/22/2010 7:50 PM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
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Total Posts: 1889
Women and Cats
California
United States
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How did you find out your husband was seeing someone? Where is your husband now?
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/22/2010 8:46 PM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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I have suspected for a while, but Monday night he was going in and out of the apt. and I went outside and heard him talking real sweet to someone. I said if he cared anything about our marriage he would let me see his cell phone. He wouldn‘t. I continued to just cook and thought the only chance I‘d see the caller was while he was in the shower. He sleeps with his phone and keys practically. So when he went in the shower I went in there to get the phone. I couldn‘t see it but it started ringing. I found it in his pants pocket. I took it out and stupidly thought I had time to write down the number. He came running after me naked. I ran as fast as I cold to the door. He grabbed me by my shirt and yanked me between the door and down to the ground, holding the door against me until he got the phone. I was so upset I called 911. In Colorado where I live, when you call 911 someone HAS to be arrested. They saw a slap mark on his back. He told them when the phone rang, he came out of the shower and I slapped him. Since I had no visible marks yet, they arrested me. I can‘t tell you how upsetting that is for me to say. I feel like a criminal. I had to go to jail. The officer told me he said he had been seeing someone for a while that he met at work and that‘s who he was talking to. So that‘s HOW I found out for sure, while I was being arrested.
So I‘m dealing with not only knowing about the infidelity, but I can not describe how I felt having handcuffs put off and on me for days and being in prison. I have very little money to defend myself. I am doing what I can every day to find out what I can do. I have always worked with children and was honestly signed up to start school the day I was in jail.
My husband is out of the apartment during the day and I go there and get my stuff. He will be out by this weekend. I am assuming he will be staying with his adulterer girlfriend somewhere. He told someone he was staying with some other guys, but he has lied to me probably since day one.
I am not bragging, but I have been a good wife to him for 12 years and all I can feel is that it has amounted to absolutely nothing. I am 50 years old now with few skills and can‘t even look at myself or anyone else. I need to find a job but am not going to be a great impression on anyone at the moment.
I spend my days trying to figure out the legal system and I‘m told I am going into the worst court possible for my case.
I know he is a scumbag and I know I shouldn‘t care so much, but only four days ago, I loved this man and would do anything for him.
Thank you for listening to me!
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/23/2010 8:10 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 1889
Women and Cats
California
United States
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Have you spoken to an attorney about the domestic violence charge? What I would suggest is to call a women’s shelter, tell them this story, and see what advice they can give you.
No doubt you have been a good wife. Too bad he didn’t appreciate it. Now it is time to concentrate on you and what you want in your life. 50 is not old by any means. Have you worked in the past?
Hang in there. Be strong. You will get through this.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/23/2010 9:31 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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Hi,
I had been working in a school and he told me it was just making our taxes worse. I quit in April and we were supposedly looking for a house. I spent a lot of time doing that until I realized he had us buried in debt.
The Women‘s Places look at me as the perpetrator. I have been treated as the criminal through this all. I have been spending all my time just getting records, trying to talk to lawyers and make sense of how bad it will be.
I will not be able to work in schools with this on my record.
It‘s going the be a big expense but I don‘t trust using a public defender.
Then I have to do the divorce and they‘ll never get to the bottom of his lying schemes. I will be in debt with him over things I never knew about.
Looking for an apartment today and have to get resumes going.
Thanks for the concern. I can‘t imagine getting through this without becoming a basket case!
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/23/2010 10:39 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 1889
Women and Cats
California
United States
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Try to deal with one thing at a time. The first being representation for the domestic abuse charge. Find a lawyer that deals with domestic abuse. You can call your County Bar Association and they should have an attorney referral service. You can check on line as well. They will refer you to attorneys that specialize in this type of law. Usually, the initial consultation fee is very reasonable.
Worry about the divorce later. Colorado is a no-fault state. You will be better off than you think. If you have a joint checking account, take the money out and open your own account. Cancel any joint credit cards.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/23/2010 11:00 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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Thanks for that advice. I already opened my own account. I heard he will get half of assets and I will get 1/2 and 1/2 of his debts which may be huge.
The court where I am being tried has a reputation for being the hardest to get something dropped.
I don‘t know of any credit cards we share anymore, but he can still be running up the bills on his.
I was told to wait until the Dom. Viol. trial is over and then file for divorce, as not to get him riled. I was also told if he got served with divorce papers, that would freeze his accounts. Probably only the ones we know about. He‘s smart enough to have moved stuff already, but I just don‘t know if I should just wait and have a lawyer do that later.
I am just trying to get through the hurt of the years of believing his lies. I have a lot of horrible things to go through and he is just rid of me and enjoying his new life. Sucks
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 1/24/2010 11:37 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 1889
Women and Cats
California
United States
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Find an attorney and get through the domestic violence hearing. Then worry about the divorce proceeding. Do you have a court date for the DV hearing?
Have you thought about seeing a counselor to help you get through all the years of his lies? If not, I would suggest that. It helped me tremendously. One of the best things I ever did.
As hard as it is to do, try not to do the mind games of how happy you think is he now. Concentrate on you. Do you have family or friends you can talk to?
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/24/2010 6:09 PM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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Hi,
Yes, I have a date Feb. 10th for a pre-trial hearing with the public defender. I am planning to find a lawyer. I have not heard good about public defenders. I went to the courthouse and they said I couldn‘t speak with them until that day and they may say I‘m not eligible for one financially.
I have a list of criminal defense lawyers to call. I have talked with some and they said I am in the worst possible court for this. They will NEVER dismiss it. I will have to be a jury trial. It is $2,500 just to pre-trial and another $2,500 through the trial.
So, I really need a job. I look and feel like a wreck and not getting any real responses to the jobs I send resumes to. One lawyer told me I wouldn‘t get a job now because it will show my arrest.
As long as he keeps me on his insurance I am going to a counselor once a week. He actually went a couple times. Why would he pretend to be fixing our marriage while he‘s sleeping with someone else and flying around running up credit card debts with her?
I am worried I will have to pay for half of them all because it is incurred during the marriage.
I am trying to just make it through this Dom. Viol. case. I am trying so hard not to think about him just going to work and having his fun, while I‘m dealing with all this.
Thanks so much for your comments, they all help me.
I do have a daughter and son in law and am staying with them until tomorrow. He‘s supposed to be gone, probably with her, by tomorrow. I dread going back to the apartment but I have money to stay there another month.
I have talked to my family but they live far away. They can‘t really be here physically.
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| Rhiannon |
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Posted: 1/25/2010 9:41 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 0
Total Posts: 3518
Lacey
Washington
United States
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Wow. I am really sorry for your unfortunate experience. That is really awful.
When you talked with the women‘s shelter network, did you tell them all of the circumstances? There are more women being arrested nowadays, sometimes even when "marks" are self defense.
Talk to a good family attorney, and one that also specializes in domestic violence.
Things to be considered:
Has there been any history of domestic violence or 911 calls in your household? Is this a first time offense?
Do you have a criminal record? I am guessing probably not.
Do you have any character witnesses?
Since you do not have a job, could you be considered indigent? That could be to your advantage. Find out what Colorado law says about that. Could your attorney hit him up for alimony? I would strongly consider it under the circumstances.
It may be worth it to let him have the house and all the bills that go with it. Without a job, you couldn‘t afford to make the payments, and if the judge awards him the house, the judge may very well award him the bills that go with the house. And if the two attorneys cannot negotiate an agreement, the judge could order the house to be sold, and the proceeds of the house would pay off outstanding debts.
And if you do get stuck with a bunch of bills - bankruptcy is an option.
I know it feels like the end of the world right now. I don‘t blame you for being horribly upset. 12 years is a significant investment. It is devastating to be cheated on - let alone have this happen.
Just try to stay calm. It is hard to think rationally and make plans when you are upset. We are here for you, and are happy to help you in any way that we can.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/25/2010 10:05 AM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 20
Westminster
Colorado
United States
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Thank you so much for your encouragement. It just hurts so bad right now. Please pray for me to make a good decision with a lawyer and just all the daily stuff that is so hard for me to do. I just can‘t even look people in the face. My lips have blisters on them from being dehydrated in jail and my eyes have bags down to my chin. I am so afraid of my life being in a courts hands. No, I‘ve never been in trouble with the law. It was the most dehumanizing thing I ever did.
What I can‘t seem to control is that I miss what I thought our life was. I am so alone here. Everything reminds me of him, so many lies for years and him keeping me around for what? It is just so crazy.
Thanks again. I do appreciate it. I‘m calling lawyers now.
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| Miss Luvly1 |
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Posted: 1/25/2010 1:10 PM |
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Subject: Husband cheating |
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WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40
Total Posts: 1027
The Rondanthe
Minnesota
United States
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Dear PMR,
You are getting some really good advice from Rhiannon. She is level headed and thinks strategically.
I am sorry for your hurts. I am sorry he hurt you. I think you came to this site because you kind of had some intuition that it was more than just him having credit card debt.
All I can say for right now time will heal your wounds.
 Miss L
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