WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Everything off my Chest

Troubled10,

I have said it before, but I think it bears repeating.  YOU need to see a counselor at the Rape and Abuse Crisis Center.

I have been in your shoes.  I went from abusive man to abusive man.  You have to learn to look inside you and determine why you choose to stay with these men after the first red flag pops up.

I believe basically you have to learn to rely soley on yourself for support, paying the bills, have you thought about your retirement?  You need to get out of where you are, stop worrying about the past and allow yourself to move on and grow.

I think you are here because you yourself are tired of this merry-go-round and want to get off.  I‘m telling you how to get off this crazy ride

 Become self reliant.  DON‘T look to a man as an answer to your problems and realize that yes, you have been a victim, vow to STOP being a victim. 

It was pretty hard for me to get over how my ex treated me as well, and the cheating. ditto....but if you or I keep living in the past we can‘t move forward. 

This is how I do it.  Every time I start thinking about some horrendous thing he did to me I force it away and make myself think of something that makes me happy now or a dream that I am working on for the future. I am planning a vacation with all of my family (5 kids and my Mom).  I want to scuba dive again on my vacation, so I am now lap swimming 3 times a week.  This keeps me in shape, makes me feel good about myself, does wonders for my self esteem and I am working toward that goal.

  People already know what kind of guy he was.  I don‘t need to keep bringing it up.  I need to prove to myself that I was not meant for that. You got to stop bringing up the past as well.  It‘s like this, they train you to punish yourself even when they are not around.  YOU are punishing yourself by reliving the abuse over and over.

  I am glad that you kept the paperwork to protect yourself.  Now you just need to keep it in the background.  Don‘t dwell on the past, it will eat you up.

Go back to college, or do whatever you have dreamed of doing.  It is your life.

Good Luck, MissL

Dear Troubled10,

In no way did I mean to offend you.  I realized that you were getting it off your chest, I was just trying to help you.  I was caught in that cycle myself.

In your previous posts about your current mate you had said that he had been physical but was now into name calling and ignoring you and the kids.

The last post that you deleted you said he was not abusing you.

I have a news flash for you, name calling and stone walling are abuse.  Just because he hasn‘t hit you lately doesn‘t mean he won‘t again. You may have gotten away from the man who was hitting you.  Now you are with a man who abuses emotionally.  If you ask me which one was worse I would say the latter.

I did the same thing almost to a T.  Since he wasn‘t hitting me was it abuse?  I now realize that it most definitely was.  If he had hit me I would have known to leave immediately instead of hanging around getting brow beaten on a consistant basis. 

Your neighbors make comments about the dings and dents on your car.  Then you catch your man keying your car.  Yup, sounds like true love to me.

I have been here trying to help you for a very long time.  I am a wee bit peaved that you suddenly turn on me and tell me not to post if I don‘t understand what is going on.

My dear.  It is you that isn‘t understanding what is going on.  You need to open your eyes.   Now stand up tall and ....what are you waiting for?  Move on with your life.