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fostec
  Posted: 1/2/2010 10:10 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WON‘T Go Away
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So we‘re all agreed: if he is abusive, a cheater, an asshole, you leave him...then what?  A little background: My ex husband started becoming jealous and controlling when I went back to work after having our second child.  While I was pregnant, he was good to me.  He was a little distant after the baby was born (because we both almost died, me of blood loss and my daughter of a severe asthma attack, days after she was born) but managed to work through it.  But then I went back to work and started losing weight.  He started saying that my attitude had changed now that I was prettier, and maybe he was right.  But I saw it as a positive change. For the first time in  a while, I felt really good about myself.  I wanted to go out and he wanted to stay home. I went out for my birthday and he got angry that I was out at "some club shaking my ass for a bunch of guys" while he was at home, but he refused to come with me.  I went back to modelling and background acting: when I got a job playing a waitress at a strip club, he accused me of cheating on him because I was "dressed like a hooker".  One night, some drunk guy yelled "I ****ed your wife!" off a balcony (this happens a lot where I live, lol) and he accused me again.

He started doing passive-aggressive things to make me miserable, like refusing to drop the kids off at daycare so I had to get up at 6am after working the night before unti four.  He‘d throw his laundry on the ground and laugh at me when I picked it up.  He would hardly ever come home, refuse to spend time with the kids, and sit on the computer playing video games and telling random girls he suspected his trampy wife of cheating.  They of course, would tell him to leave me.  One of them said (I wish I were making this up) "maybe you should force her to rely on you financially.  If she wasn‘t making her own money it would be harder for her to leave you.  You shouldn‘t make it so easy for her to go out and do whatever she wants" So he started making it harder for me to go out, pretending to be asleep when he was supposed to be with the kids so I could work, quitting his job so he could spend more time at home bitching at me.  He told me he was fired but another guy who lived in our building and worked with him told me he quit.  He started straining the budget by spending all of the money in our joint account so that I was living like a person on welfare while he was living like a King.  He‘d eat all of the food or make it disappear, so that the bank account was always in the red.  Keep in mind I didn‘t know any of this was on purpose until later: I only found out about the conversation on msn and him quitting his job months after the fact.

When I had five teeth pulled and my mouth became infected, he started an argument with my mother and told her she wasn‘t needed, he could take care of me.  I couldn‘t get out of bed or call for help.  My throat was swollen shut and he starved me for three days.  I could smell food cooking but he never came in with soup or anything for me.

The accusations got worse, and he started making up scenarios.  I was probably sleeping with someone in the back room at work.  I was trying to sleep with his brother.  Who was that guy on the phone (my dad) who was that guy he saw giving me a slip of paper (my boss) and who was that guy who just came out of the house as he was going in (the plumber).  He was trying to get me pregnant again so I refused to sleep with him.  I slept in the top bunk of my son‘s bed so he wouldn‘t rape me.

Finally, after a 16 hour double shift at my two jobs, I‘d had it.  I told him I should just go out and f‘ck the next guy I saw, so he could feel better. Would it make him feel so much effing better to be right?  He went into the kitchen and came back with two knives.  He raised one over his head like he was going to stab me.  Then he handed it to me and said I should just kill him because he was in love with me and I was such an evil woman, why don‘t I just stab him to death since I hate him so much.  I said he was crazy and tried to walk away from him.  I told him I was going to leave him and he came after me.  He tried to attack me but I ran.  He grabbed me and then suddenly stopped and beat his own head repeatedly off the wall, knocking himself unconscious and chipping a tooth in the process.  I grabbed the children (who had seen most of this) ran to a neighbour‘s house and called the police.  I hid in the bedroom of my neighbour‘s apartment while he went downstairs so he could tell me what happened at my place.  The SWAT team came and removed my ex. 

But it wasn‘t over.  He claimed us on his tax return and then I called and said he had left.  The onus was on me to prove it (he‘d already gotten the money for it) and they froze my entire income.  He called the landlord and said he left because I had cheated on him.  I was sleeping with the guy upstairs.  The landlord took it upon himself to help him get back at his evil cheating wife.  I found a "for rent" sign on my lawn, for my apartment.  The landlord attempted to evict me for consistent nonpayment of rent, because twice I had paid the rent on the second of the month instead of the first. He ended up charging over $3000 in "cleaning fees" after locking me out of the house and throwing everything I owned in the garbage.  My entire income was gone and the rent was only paid by my student loan for three months.  The minute I didn‘t pay in January the bastard just locked me out.  Illegal, but the court ruled in his favour. My student loan, child tax benefit, everything I had was frozen and I had no income.  I moved into a homeless shelter where they wouldn‘t even give me the $100 a month you get from welfare if you are homeless.  I had to beg for everything I got, from pads to toothpaste.  They called Child Protection Services and said I was homeless and living on the streets with my kids.  I had no income for six months, and the month I got it back, he called the tax department and said I had comitted fraud.  He said I had lied about the children living with me, and I was forced to prove it again. Another six months with no income.

I finally ended up getting a sympathetic woman at the tax department to expedite the process because I had already provided alll of the necessary information the previous year.  I ended up on welfare, living out of town for fear of him finding me, and with no job, no nothing.  But he didn‘t stop there.  The minute I got back on my feet he was there, telling me he wanted to send birthday gifts and christmas gifts to my daughter.  Last year it wasn‘t so bad...the only thing he did was send her the same gift I was already getting her, then get angry when I gave one of them away.  He said he didn‘t spend money on presents just so I could give them away to other kids.  I told him to go to hell.

This year it was worse.  He asked me what she wanted for christmas and i said she wanted a nintendo ds.  i could only afford for her to have one if he bought it, because i could only afford one and there are two children in this house old enough to want one.  So two days before christmas, he sends her a nintendo dsi, which is the newer system, goes on the internet, takes pictures, etc.  I had already bought my son a nintendo ds over a week before that.  So two days before christmas I had to go out, buy my daughter a nintendo ds with the grocery money, and i told him that once he sent me a receipt so i could take the system he bought her back, i would refund him the difference in price.  clearly he made a mistake and bought her the more expensive one, but I could not give her a better one than her brother was getting.  I put the expensive one up in my closet, and when my daughter asked about it I told her it was mine but I was taking it back to the store because it was no good.  That way she would think her daddy bought her the one she had and everyone would be happy.  He wasn‘t. He started screaming at me that I had stolen her present from her and she hadn‘t gotten anything, that I only told him to send her one so I could have one, and making up his usual crazy scenarios.  He demanded that I send him pictures of her playing with her gift and then sent an e-mail accusing me of giving away her other gifts (which, at the time of the e-mail, had not arrived yet).  He called me seven times in one night to yell at me.  He has been calling and talking to my daughter periodically, but every time he called and got her he would ask to talk to me.  So I finally told him to have no further contact with me or my daughter, to stop calling and go away.

He sent me an e-mail demanding that I send back her Christmas presents because I had just stolen them from her anyway and she wasn‘t going to get them.  No way I‘m ripping a bunch of brand new dolls away from a five year old girl, and that nintendo dsi has been in the closet this whole time, no WAY he is getting it back.

I can finally afford to get a lawyer, I had to go through my step father passing on to do it but thank god i can finally divorce the bastard.  But I know it will never be over.  He has made hurting me the object of his life, because of some imagined wrong I did him.  He‘s some kind of paranoid schizophrenic and it will NEVER END.  I thought getting out was a way out, but he just never stops. I keep having to move to get away from him, change my number, block my phone.  At one point he was even stalking my facebook and started yelling at me because a picture from five years ago came up with the same last name as his.  He has threatened to abduct my daughter, and only calls her to grill her for information about me.

So now, we have no contact with him and I have told him he can contact my lawyer if he has anything to say to me.  It‘s been more than three years and he still refuses to tell me his address so that I can have papers served on him. This divorce is costing a huge chunk of my inheritance and he is going out of his way to make it cost more, forcing me to hire a process server to find him and dragging his feet every chance he gets.  I‘d like to say I have never hated anyone in my life, but I hate him and I hate the way he tries to turn my daughter against me, give her better things than her brother gets just to make my son cry, and he will never be happy unless someone else is miserable.  I guess that‘s my rant.  Getting out isn‘t getting out and I swear to God it‘s like I had a man in my home who wanted nothing in the world but to be a stalker, and leaving him I just gave him what he wanted.



Miss Luvly1
  Posted: 1/3/2010 11:12 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Dear Fostec,

I read your post and I can feel your pain.  So far it has been never ending for a very long time. 

Because you are in Canada I am not sure of the laws.  Do they have something like an order of protection that you can get?  Clearly letting this man in your life for the smallest thing just gives him ammunition. 

I have an ex like that as well.  He has been dragging his feet through a divorce, lying about where he is living, making it cost over $900 in attorney fees just so he can have the kids on different days than the judge ordered.

Is there a bailsbondsman of a sort that can help you find your husband to serve papers on him for a divorce?  A policeman who will do some investigating on the side?

Are there any Canadian ladies here that can help?



fostec
  Posted: 1/4/2010 7:29 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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I was able to get legal aid for the court case after he started threatening to abduct my daughter.  So they are paying for the custody/access portion of the case, which has kept my legal fees down to $500 (so far).

My lawyer says it will be more if he has to hire a process server to serve the papers.  My ex lives in a fly-in community.

I tried to get an order of protection but even though the police sent out the SWAT team and sent him to the psych ward, he told them he hadn‘t done anything to me and I was just being paranoid.  He disappeared and called me once after he left to say he wasn‘t going to tell me where he was going so I couldn‘t go after him for the money we owed.

I ended up paying more than four thousand dollars in debt, and there is so much more to pay.  My lawyer is also saying he can‘t put our debts into the agreement, so I‘d basically have to take him to civil court and spend more money to get that done :(.

I know one thing for sure: he‘s not getting my daughter‘s toys back.



Miss Luvly1
  Posted: 1/5/2010 7:55 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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I am sure you have to pay income tax of some type.  So does your ex. 

This would be a way of finding him.  He would have to have an address to send in the tax money.  Since it is a Fly In community, it must be small.  Have your attorney call the police in that community and get an address.  Or, you could call them yourself and explain the situation.

Stop worrying about him outdoing you for a christmas present.  Yes, it was childish, and dumb.  You already know that.  When your kids are older they will see what he is.  That I promise.  Let him do stupid stuff like that.  It all comes out in the end.  You still have to learn that you cannot control him.  Although to some extent you have managed to make him go away.  This is a good thing!  You could just NOT answer the phone when he calls.

  Since he hasn‘t seen the kids in three years, and hasn‘t paid any support why bother even telling him that you returned the DS?  At some point you have to realize that you are still addicted to being controlled by him. If I had contact with my ex, the situation would be the same.

  Isn‘t there a law called abandonment there?  He called from a phone somewhere, you have his number.  He can be found.



malarkey marie
  Posted: 1/6/2010 4:41 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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here, if you can not find the husband you must take out three weekly ads in the paper stating the date and time of the court case, in your community and in his.

if there is no reponse to these ads, the divorce goes thru uncontested.

the same for debts. you take out an ad, once a week for three weeks, in your community and in the community you believe he resides, stating that you will no longer be repondsibile for him.

ask your lawyer.

remember, the children will not always be little. this will end.

 however, he will always be dangerous and i have to tell you, i pray god calls him home for everyone‘s sake, sick piece of garbage.

don‘t bother telling me not to, i rarely listen to anyone.



Rhiannon
  Posted: 1/9/2010 9:25 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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I agree with Malarkey Marie.  The ad in the paper works pretty well. 

If he doesn‘t show up in court, not only does the divorce go uncontested, but you pretty much get everything you asked for.  That may be an advantage.  There‘s no fighting.  It means a parenting plan would also go through - and be signed by a judge.  That would only benefit you.  Arrange for the state to collect your child support, and he will find that by trying to hide out and avoid you, he only ends up screwing himself. 

As far as serving him, you can have the sheriff do it.  I did not rely on my attorney to find him.  I got a physical address, and googled all the sheriff departments within a 10 mile radius.

Judges don‘t look favorably on absentee fathers.

Get out of the power struggle.  The ex knows all your buttons and is hitting every one of them.  He knows what upsets you.  Every time you react or blow up, you play right into his hand.  You do not have to engage  Just stop it.

Everyone is right that your kids will figure it out.  Toys may distract them or win them over right now, but that won‘t last.



fostec
  Posted: 1/14/2010 10:11 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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You guys are really making me wish I lived in the U.S. :(.  Here you can‘t just put an ad in the paper, you have to serve them in person.  Which is why you have to hire a process server if you want them served.  My lawyer said it might be a couple of hundred dollars but we can get it done....eventually.

I never returned the DSi because he refused to give me the receipt, so it‘s sitting in the house.  I just bought her the same thing her brother had and put the "better" one away.

I sent him one e-mail during the course of all his accusations.  It said do not contact me or any member of my family again. If you need clarification of anything, call my lawyer.  I will not answer the phone or any e-mails from you and if you contact me again I will consider it harassment.

That was sent after he started calling my daughter just to either browbeat her or tell her to put me on the phone so he could yell at me.

Since then, he has called me nine times, and sent me three e-mails.  He tells me I "have no right" to keep him away from his daughter, he has parental rights and, my favorite "You have to talk to me when I call for you at least until she turns sixteen"

The hell I do.

You can get a restraining order based on harassment, you just have to prove harassment.  I think I have enough evidence to do that now. In one of the e-mails he admits to calling me four times previously.

"I didn‘t call you four times to accuse you of stealing things, I called you to clarify because my daughter said you re-wrapped her gift and gave it to yourself for christmas, and that you gave away her other presents" bla bla bla.

The day one of his e-mails is about my daughter and not ME, well, that‘ll be the day.  He doesn‘t mention in his e-mail that he‘d already "clarified" that in six previous phone calls where he hammered her with questions, told her to give me the phone, and then yelled at me. 

She told me she no longer wanted to talk to him because he is bothering her, and I said, Good enough for me.  You want to call my daughter to go on about what a b!tch I am you had better be her best friend, eleven years from now :).

But it‘s the usual nonsense....I‘m telling her to hate him, I‘m coaching her to say she doesn‘t want to talk to him, I‘m poisoning her against him...I know you‘ve all heard this before....

My daughter is not an automaton and seriously, it‘s been four years since i left and five since the last time i shared a bed with him.  He has never been interested in her.  If he had gotten her the present to "outdo" me I would have been happy, at least he cares about her.  He got her the present because he wanted to accuse me of stealing it, cause misery and pain, and then demand it back. Which is what he did.

He‘s not getting it, he‘s not getting any phone calls, and he will get those papers, I don‘t care how much it costs.

I wish there was a faster way.  There is an abandonment law here but you have to prove abandonment.  He is trying to re-write history and now the burden of proof is on me to come up with concrete evidence.  He said that, after he left the house, I moved "out to God knows where" and didn‘t tell him where I was.  He goes on to state that I disappeared with the kids and refused him visitation.  I actually forced visitation on him, to the point of handing him my daughter, running away, and jumping on a bus as it was pulling away from the curb while yelling "see you in three days!" out the window.  He called me 7 times the next day and 8 times the day after that, telling me to take her back.

He said he didn‘t want to see her anymore because seeing her reminded him of me and that made him sad.  Because, you know, I was cheating on him with uh, my job.  Anyway I have to prove that he knew where I lived and could have contacted me.  I also have to prove that I was protecting my children.  Since Child Protection was involved at the time and they had ordered him to stay away from the kids, I was within my rights to keep him as far away from them as possible.  In fact I would have been violating an oder if I didn‘t.

I have to prove all of this because apparently he can say whatever he feels like, and they just buy it.  I‘m not sure if he‘s even filed a tax return since the year he left.  He filed taxes and put all of us on the papers, so that he could collect the money for me and the kids.  So this isn‘t about a man who cares about his kids, this is about a man who makes up psychotic scenarios in which he is the eternal victim, and who would put his kids on the street in order to "get revenge" on the evil villain who must have done something awful to him, even though he can‘t prove it.

Actually there are a lot of men like him in the video game generation.  In the absence of real adversity, they have to make it up.



fostec
  Posted: 1/14/2010 10:26 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Rhiannon wrote:

 

Get out of the power struggle.  The ex knows all your buttons and is hitting every one of them.  He knows what upsets you.  Every time you react or blow up, you play right into his hand.  You do not have to engage  Just stop it.

Everyone is right that your kids will figure it out.  Toys may distract them or win them over right now, but that wont last.



I‘m not reacting.  I don‘t call him.  My daughter or my son would pick up the phone and it would be him, asking to talk to me.  She‘d hand me the phone, he‘d start bitching at me, and I would hang up.  After the seventh call I sent him an e-mail telling him not to contact me again because that is what the police told me to do.  After the third call after THAT I changed my phone number.

It‘s not about getting her a more expensive or better present, or about being childish. I could care less about any of that.  It‘s about accusing me of asking him to get her a gift so that I could re-wrap it, take it away from her, keep it to myself, and give away all of her other toys as well. Accusing me of wanting money from him so I can keep it or buy things for myself instead of using it for her.  It‘s about harassment.  I‘m not allowing him to do it anymore.  He‘s been blocked on my e-mail, my facebook, and he doesn‘t have my phone number.  He does have my address because of the court papers so if I have to move again, I will.

Trust me, none of this is about anything I have done to encourage him to keep crapping on me.  I have been telling him since five years ago that neither I nor anyone else in this house wants anything to do with him. 

My kids aren‘t won over by anything. She came upstairs with the phone and said "mommy, jerry is saying the ds you got for christmas is really mine and you stole it from me but i like my ds and i don‘t care, so can i stop talking to him?because I don‘t like him."  I told her she doesn‘t have to talk to him and she said, "leave me alone jerry goodbye" and hung up the phone.  he called back four times after that and we didn‘t answer.

I wish it were as simple as that but it‘s not.  He was an abuser and he IS an abuser, and sometimes I fear that nothing but death stops people like him, once they have found something to hate for no reason.



Rhiannon
  Posted: 1/15/2010 9:00 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Fostec:  I wasn‘t criticizing you.  I know I may have come off wrong.  Trust me - I understand the predicament you are in, because I have been there and done that.  I was married 15 years to an abuser, and it wasn‘t over when it was over - for a very long time.  I really do understand what you are going through, and how you feel. 

These guys all operate pretty much the same.  It is all about manipulation, power and control.  They know how to work the system, and they use it to their advantage.

They know all our "hot" buttons, and where our fears and insecurities lie, and they attack us where we are the most vulnerable - where we are the most likely to "react."  They can work us like a puppet, and they do - every chance they get.

For any mother, the biggest "hot button" is likely to be her children. 

One thing I learned is that you have to understand the motivation of your opponent - in this case, the abuser.  You have to think like he thinks so that you can outsmart him.  Once you can anticipate what he is likely to try next, you are in the driver‘s seat.  The better lid you keep on your emotions the better - and I recommend thinking with your head and not your heart.

If he is harassing you on e-mail he has an IP address.  If he is calling on the phone, phone numbers can be traced.  Caller ID works pretty well, unless the number is blocked.  And there are phone features that can refuse phone calls unless the numbers are unblocked.  Multiple phone calls in a day do count as harassment, and there are codes where the calls can be routed directly to the sheriff‘s office when it happens - which means you have documentation and proof.

Keep in mind that you do not have to talk to him.  He has a right to talk to the children - but he doesn‘t have the right to call the house incessantly.  If you have filed for divorce, you can force him to talk to your attorney.  If you do that, he is a lot less likely to play games.  He will hate it, because then he won‘t be in control.  That will motivate him to get an attorney of his own, and voila!  He can then be "served."  There are ways to draw these guys out of the woodwork.  If you have a birthdate and a social security number, he can be found.

I don‘t know what country you live in.  I don‘t know the laws in your country.  I strongly recommend brushing up on the law, and maybe even seeking a more aggressive attorney.  But you can do a lot of the "footwork" yourself.  The more research you do on your own, the better, because that saves money in legal fees, and no one is going to look out for your best interests better than you will.

You have to be careful about denying visitation rights, but if you don‘t have a good address, I wouldn‘t let the kids go anywhere with him.  Also, if he were to come to get them, your attorney could arrange for the sheriff to serve him on the spot.

Best of luck, Fostec.  I know it isn‘t easy.



fostec
  Posted: 1/15/2010 10:47 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Oh I didn‘t mean to sound angry...I‘m angry at him more than anything. I live in Canada, and I‘m a Political Science student so many of my courses are in law.  I wish the laws here worked the same way they do there, but this is a grey area.

My lawyer said that due to the three years of abandonment, I do have a right to keep him away from myself AND my daughter....I was just being nice in allowing him to speak to her in the first place.

I know what goes on inside his head; it‘s why I had to leave him.  The inside of his head is a dark wormy place where everyone is always out to get him and he must constantly defend himself against imagined wrongs.  He usually finds one or two people to focus on, but it seemed he was always looking for someone to hate, something to go wrong, something to be miserable about. You can‘t live with someone like that for very long, particularly when he‘s only looking for whatever is wrong so that he has an excuse to treat you like crap.  He can do whatever he wants, because it MUST be my fault.

I can‘t say that he "knows how to push my buttons" though.  I let him call her as long as he is civil.  He hasn‘t been civil so he‘s going to stay away from her. I have a pretty good case for abandonment since my lawyer couldn‘t even find him for three years.  Basically I got the separation agreement, it was sent to his lawyer at the time, his lawyer sent back one letter, my lawyer called him, and his lawyer said he hadn‘t had a call or any contact with his client and in fact, had no idea where his client had run off to.

The paperwork was asking for visitation. Right after I got it I called him and said, "If you want visitation why don‘t you show up to see her" and he said his lawyer made him put it in there.

At the time he was trying to seek spousal support from me.  So in this case, I am the spouse with the higher income and I suppose, greater control of the household.  I was the one complaining about dinner not being on the table and the house not being clean when I got home.   I was the one who left the house every day and had every opportunity to cheat, so I guess he hung that over my head since he really had nothing else.

He just didn‘t want to be forced to leave his meal ticket and that, in the end, is why he hates me so much.  I decided that I wasn‘t going to take care of the kids, work, keep the house clean,and on top of that get no help from anyone because if I asked they would say "well you‘re married, so your husband will help you, life is so easy for you" bla bla bla.

Around the time he started throwing laundry on the floor and laughing "I just wanted to see how fast you‘d pick it up", accusing me of cheating all the time, and picking at everyone in the house trying to make them miserable, we stopped sleeping in the same bed.  I felt bad and didn‘t want to put him on the streets, so I told him I‘d give him time to get a job and get on his feet, but I wanted him out.

He decided I was cheating (nothing could be his fault) and said if I slept with someone else it would be cheating because he wouldn‘t give me a divorce.  I told him I wanted a divorce, I wanted him out, he should get a job and get packing. 

But when he became violent that was it.  I wasn‘t going to pay for a house I barely lived in, pay for a big beautiful bed and then sleep on the top of my son‘s bunkbed rather than feel his lazy hands on me at night.  I worked my butt off all my life to get everything I had finally accomplished, and he was not going to take that away from me.

He hasn‘t.  I guess I just started the thread out of frustration, because I can do everything to get rid of him and he‘s still jabbing me with his impotent b.s. out of complete boredom. It seems a little pathetic, I mean, why am I so important to this guy that making me miserable is the only thing that makes him want to get out of bed in the morning?  It‘s stupid and pointless.

I have started the process but these court cases do drag on.  Once my lawyer finds him,we‘ll serve him.  The case will go to court, I will ask for full custody and no contact between him and the children or myself, and I‘ll get it because for all his lip service, I know he won‘t show up.  The lies he tells to make himself look good kind of fall flat when he doesn‘t follow through on them. 

 



Rhiannon
  Posted: 1/17/2010 10:37 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Fostec:  I don‘t know anything about Canadian law  It‘s really good that you do.

In Washington State, it‘s illegal to deny visitation even if a father refuses to pay child support and/or "abandons" the kids.  Denying visitation is a serious offense.  And in a divorce, even if a mother gets full custody, by law, fathers still have visitation rights. 

My advice is to completely stop talking to him.  Force him to talk to your attorney.  Install Caller ID on the phone.  Let the calls go to voicemail.  Save angry voicemail tapes because they are admisible evidence in court.  When he realizes he doesn‘t have access, he will come out of the woodwork, and if he thinks his rights are being threatened, he will suddenly get an attorney and decide to become cooperative.  If he finds out that his parental rights are being terminated due to abandonment, I have a feeling he won‘t be "incognito" for long.  Then the divorce is filed, he is served, the restraining order goes into effect, and the real divorce begins. 

Here is what I mean by thinking like the abuser thinks - the biggest thing he fears is the loss of power and control.  He will play games forever if he thinks he can just call and harass you. 

If he tries to come after you legally, you are in a better position to go after him legally - you see?  And then he will put on a suit, try to look like Joe Schmoe the Yuppie, and undermine your credibility being Mr. Slick & Charming.  No one will ever believe that you were married to this crazy man.  That‘s another chapter, and you will deal with that when it happens.

If your attorney can get him on abandonment charges, let him.   But if you have an attorney on the case, stop talking to him.  Anything you say or do can and will be used against you, which will ultimately hurt your case in the end.  Avoid the "he said/she said" scenario and document everything.

A parenting plan needs to be in place, filed with the court, and signed by a judge.  You need to do this before he takes them because without a parenting plan, he can kidnap the kids, and there isn‘t a damn thing you can do about it because he‘s the father and has rights.  And then good luck ever getting them back. 

I went through an ugly divorce against an abuser, like Miss Luvly, and have learned that it‘s all about strategy.  Self control, keeping your mouth shut, not talking to the abuser, and having plenty of paper of "documentation" and "proof"  - while taking your attorney‘s advice - is what it takes. 

And yes, these kind of guys are pretty much all the same.  What you described certainly describes my ex-husband to a "T" and I can relate to your frustration.  Try not to dwell on too much of that while the divorce is going on, because it increases your stress level, forces you to react emotionally, and can make you really sick.  You will notice your stress decreasing big time when you completely stop talking to him.

I know it‘s hard.



fostec
  Posted: 1/17/2010 11:58 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Wow it sounds like things are really awful for women in the U.S.  In Canada we have a precedent called "implied custody".   That means that if one parent is absent for a certain period of time, the parent who the children live with has full custody.  You can waive your right to custody by not showing up.

He is trying to contest that by saying I won‘t let him see the children, but that doesn‘t apply because I have an order from Child Protection Services stating that he is not to be anywhere near the kids. 

He is not on the list of the people who are allowed to pick up my daughter from school.   The school is able to deny him access based on implied custody first of all, a protection order second of all.   But they can also deny access to one parent if the children are living with the other parent and the matter is in court.

Also I‘m not sure how visitation laws are applied there.  He lives really far away and he‘s not asking to see her, he‘s asking to talk to her on the phone.  Actually, he‘s getting her on the phone and asking to talk to me.  He sent an e-mail saying that I have to talk to him because he has rights, and I know that‘s not the case.

If it comes down to it, my daughter is old enough to appear in court and tell them for herself that she doesn‘t want to have any contact with him, and all the awful things he said to her.  he can say I‘m "coaching" her all he wants, but realistically, he chose not to be a father and he chose to be a scumbag husband long before that.  He might be able to fake being "Joe Upperclass", but not for long.  He can talk a good lie but the evidence is on my side.

I did stop answering the phone and change the number so he would be forced to say everything via e-mail and you‘re right, he immediatelly started being nicer.  That is to say, the e-mails have less venom but more lies.  However, because of the e-mails I can prove a pattern of lies.  He‘ll say one thing in one message, and something totally different in the next.



troubled10
  Posted: 1/18/2010 2:44 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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My first exhusband , in our divorce , for visitation it states visitation must be agreeable by both parties, he is a stalker, but he likes to use other people.  I divorced him in 2002 and he would call me and say and do all kinds of things until I moved.  I went after him for child support and he threatened me with his rights to see our child.  And I said ok , you take me to court.  And have me served.  He never cared for our child and never gave child support till now.  No presents nothing.  The circumstances were different, but I would re read your divorce decree and see how it states, if it states you both must agree on the visit, you are not in contempt of the order.  On top of everything i‘m going through right now.  I had my exhusband knock on my door threatening his rights to see his son.  After no support or anything for five years. I went after him for back child support and medical.  Now i‘m in two fights.  Leaving my ex now and my ex husband.  But I talked to a attorney and he told me that my exhusband has to take me to court to reestablish his visitation which since he was violent and abusive and hasn‘t asked for a visit in seven years he would only get supervised if they allowed it and he would have to explain why he didn‘t pay support or send him anything.  The way things are stipulated the words mean alot.  Re READ your Divorce Decree.  You might be in better standing than what you think.  I was scared , till I talked to an attorney and if you were homeless with your child.  That is alot too.  Why didn‘t he help you, those things mean alot in court.  More than you know.  I understand alot of what your going through.

fostec
  Posted: 1/18/2010 6:16 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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This started as a rant and it‘s turning into a dumping ground for me.  I can‘t describe it any other way.  I feel like writing about it here, I can just get rid of everything I feel about it.  If I just put it down here, I don‘t feel any compulsion whatsoever to speak to him.  So forget it, I‘m just going to cut and paste the e-mails.  No explanation but the one above, just, another e-mail today.  Here‘s the latest one.

Most Recent:

I have one real simple question which I need you to answer, without going into too extravagant details please.
Since you have been ignoring my calls, and hanging up the minute I ask to speak to Anna, I just need you to answer the question.
Why are you denying me access to speak with MY daughter?

E-mail number four after the one below it:

Anyways I sent a DS for christmas, I want her to have it and I would not appreciate it if your selling/exchanging gifts that I sent for my daughter when both you and Anna requested that I get her one.

E-mail number three after seven phone calls on the same topic, and repeated calls to my daughter telling her that I had stolen things from her and that my Christmas gift actually belonged to her:

I asked Anna about the Nintendo DSi I sent her for Christmas, which is why I then asked for you to see what is going on about it.  Anna then hung up on me after I spoke with you, each time I called back I was trying to ask if Anna had recieved her presents.
 
Anna told me that you gave her presents that I sent to another child that would like them. So yes I called you back trying to clarify regarding the presents I have sent (because she is telling me one thing and you are saying the other), example being the Pink Nintendo Dsi I sent Anna,  where Anna said you are keeping it for yourself telling her that it is mommy‘s present not hers, while you say you bought one for yourself.
 in which you have your boyfriend telling me your sleeping at 6.pm  and that Anna is sleeping early.

What could I say in answer to these three e-mails other than: Qaed?  The truth is, I stopped answering calls, changed my number, and stopped replying to e-mails because, after the third time he called to ask the above question, which I had already answered three times, I said I would consider any more contact with me or my daughter to be harassment.

He then continued to contact me, as above, about the exact same thing.  He says himself that he called several times and refused to talk to Anna, asking her to give the phone to me instead. 

In my worst moments, I wish terrible things would happen to him I don‘t even want to talk about.  I wish God had never pulled him out and I wish someone would put him back.  I have called the police and I‘ll be getting a peace bond against him.

My lawyer still hasn‘t contacted me regarding the situation, so tomorrow I‘m going to print out all of these e-mails and send them in a letter to my lawyer.  A letter that I have to write later, because right now all I want to do is print out the entire stack of about 17 e-mails and scrawl across the front of them in red ink: STILL THINK THIS JERK IS HARMLESS???

He said he doesn‘t think I‘m in any physical danger.  I guess I post this here because maybe someone here will understand the undertones in what he wrote.  It‘s not what he said, it‘s what he clearly means by it.  Most people who haven‘t had someone threaten them with a knife don‘t understand that.  If you haven‘t been with one of these psychos you can‘t know.

I feel like I‘m just biding my time, taking small steps toward my goal. Today I went down to the Drivers and Licensing board to get my license renewed.  It expired, so I have to take the written test and then the road test alll over again.  My inheritance will buy me a car.  I wonder if my step father knows that when he left me what must have seemed like such an insignificant amount of money, he left me my freedom.  Thanks, dad.  I‘m going to buy a used van, which isn‘t much but it‘s something.  Just another step.

Next year they‘ll hand me my degree and I‘ll be out of here.

I just want to focus on getting finished with school, loving my children, and loving the wonderful man who is sticking by me through all of this.  Putting up with me sitting on this site or crying when I should be spending what precious time there is with him.

I‘m tired of fighting, honestly.  I‘m tired of being this pathetic thing who relies on other people too.  No more asking daddy for a ride, for the love of God, I‘m 29 years old. 

That jerk made me afraid of everything.  Afraid to work, afraid to drive, because these were all things that made me "better than him" made me "act superior"

Well, screw you, I am superior.  I am better than you.  I raise three kids (one on the way), hold down two jobs, go to school full time, and soon, I‘m going to have paid for my own car!  All by myself!

I know I sound like a three year old writing that but I‘m as giddy as a three year old over it.  The last few years have been a process of finding out that I really am capable of doing things, and how truly small people are that say I can‘t. How frightened they are that I will, and what will they say then?

I hope HE says NOTHING. 



Rhiannon
  Posted: 1/19/2010 8:15 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Lacey
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Working two job, raising 2 children, and going to school, while pregnant, hardly makes you pathetic.  In my view, it makes you a hero.  You are clearly doing everything you can  to improve your situation.  And you will get there - because you are determined.  You are right to focus on your education, and on achieving your own goals for independence.  You will get there.

I don‘t know all the details of your divorce - or at what stage you are in the process.  Is there a protection order in place?  I would respond "once" - in writing - and give him your attorney‘s name and contact information - and I would "cc" your attorney on any and all communications.  Any follow up e-mails, I would print off, and also forward to your attorney.  Then you have "documentation" of harassment.  If you respond in writing - "once" - you have proof that you are not denying him access.  You are not obligated to respond to 6 or 7 e-mails.  Your attorney can use those e-mails as "evidence" in court.

Is there a parenting plan in place - filed with the court?  If there isn‘t, there should be.

I am glad yo have support to get through this.

 

 



fostec
  Posted: 1/20/2010 6:53 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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I have filed for divorce, child support, and spousal support in a lump sum amount to cover debts.  I have asked that he have no access at all, because his "access" has been detrimental to the children.

I can‘t get a protection order without charging him, so he‘d have to have physically assaulted me or something.  I do have a child protection order stating that he‘s not to have contact with my children, but that‘s from several years ago.

He‘s been trying to say that my lawyer hasn‘t served him yet. So now I have to get in contact with my lawyer again and say, hi, remember me?  I‘d like that divorce now please.

I got an e-mail from him saying my lawyer hasn‘t sent him anything.  I explained several times that the papers have to be put in his hand, my lawyer can‘t just send a letter, but he hasn‘t given an address for service.

Well you know divorce lawyers.  I‘m thinking of sending him a Round Tuit :).

I feel much better now that the security system is installed and the phone number has been changed.  I change the locks every six months just in case.  I‘ll feel a lot safer once I get my own car, because I won‘t be on the bus and nobody he knows will see me walking down the street.  I‘m just biding my time until I get out of this place, find a good job, buy a cute house in the country.  I want to get a job good enough to afford a horse.  My daughter loves horses and so do I...not even riding them but the work that goes into them.  Anyone who has been around horses knows how wonderful it is to muck out a stall, when you get to spread all of that fresh hay on the stall floor, the smell of the hay and the way the horse just whinnies at you.

I wish more men were like horses, strong enough to bite your head off or trample you if they wanted to, but so gentle they would never even think of doing such a thing. No wonder little girls like horses and think boys have cooties.  I should have stuck to horses myself :).

Anyway you‘ve got to have both goals and dreams.  I know I can.....but wouldn‘t it be crazy cool if?

I actually have three children and one on the way.  The oldest is the disabled one, Anna is five, and their youngest brother tends to get lost in the mash-up because he‘s two, and he‘s very independant.  It‘s easy to forget the little guy, but we try not to :).



fostec
  Posted: 2/3/2010 1:16 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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My lawyer attempted to serve him the papers and he ran from the process server.  He tried to confuse the issue by calling a lawyer here and asking him to contact my lawyer.  He did not, however, retain the lawyer he called.

When my lawyer almost managed to serve him and he ran off, guess where he went?

HERE, THE BASTARD.

He showed up at my door with the police, trying to assert his "right" to see his daughter.  The male officer was making up the law left right and center.  You can get custody without him being there.  Really?  Tell that to my lawyer.  You can get a custody order.  Tell that to my lawyer.   I said Children‘s Aid and my lawyer said you can‘t take my daughter and give her to him but if you‘re planning to try it, then she‘s not home.  And even if she were, the last time I saw that man was three years ago and he had a knife in his hand, so you can tell him if he steps foot near my house again i am calling the police. 

He drove away in a car he bought with money he got from claiming us on his tax return and putting us on the streets.  He only drives to begin with because I paid for his license.  I have contacted the police department and informed them that the cop he showed up with refused to give me a police report or give his badge number.

 

He is the biggest piece of crap on the face of the planet, and I hope something truly awful happens to him.



Ursa
  Posted: 2/11/2010 11:16 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Why didn‘t you just return the one you bought and upgrade it to match the other one instead of buying an entire 3rd unit?  That would have put a quick end to your husband‘s control and in the future, never try to do any gifting together.  Ah well, hindsight, I know. At the time you probably thought you could get him to comply and only now realize just to what extent he was purposely still playing passive aggressive games. 

My ex pulled a lot of the same with telling everyone he was a victim of such and such and then disappeared, (probably TO Canada) so I was never able to collect child support and still never got a divorce.  I tried but the courts where I filed refused to let me move on to the newspaper stage for some reason.  Abandonment divorces aren‘t always easy here in the US apparently.  People saw through hit BS that at first thought I was doing him wrong and then later came to me to apologize and offer help. 

At some point though, you have to stop counting all the times he wronged you and move forward on your own or you will become your own worst enemy.  I think to this day I could go insane if I let myself dwell on the debts he caused, the expenses, hardships, etc he created for me before he left and by leaving without supporting our daughter.  But what would it really do for me and my child to be able to brag about a high "he was wrong, i was the victim" score if it meant I kept myself down because of it? 

You are doing all the right things by going to school and working for your children.  Keep looking and moving forward.  If he ever does surface, don‘t give him any openings to play the kind of games he played with the gift buying.  Don‘t let him ask you what gift he should get and don‘t tell him what you are getting.  he‘s proven what he‘ll do with that info so don‘t set yourself up.  If he doesn‘t come back, count your blessings that your children are spared a lifetime of his games.  It‘s hard without child support but then I realize I wouldn‘t sell my daughter‘s emotional health for any amount of money and figure my situation is a fair trade and maybe we‘re lucky. 




Ursa
  Posted: 2/11/2010 11:27 AM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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Oh wait, I misunderstood something.  he‘s not fully gone, just isn‘t telling you his address.  My ex did that for a while before he did go.  Talk to legal aid about changing your number and email address after he is instructed to contact your through them or the courts.  See if that is a legally sound way to handle it.  He‘s playing a control game so use the courts to end that.  Do not continue to participate in his madness.  If you have his phone number, have your legal aid call him and inform him he is to contact you through them so you have a solid witness that he was properly informed and was never denied any legal rights.  See what can be done about his contact with the kids.  He probably does not have a legal right to just contact them whenever he wants however he wants since his whereabouts are unknown.  If you are their legal guardian you probably have the right to monitor their phone and internet use.  Find out how to take care of all of this legally and effectively. 

I dated a guy who constantly accused me of cheating or being up to things much like the way your husband did.  (My husband only made those things up AFTER he left our home.)  It‘s a control tactic and a way for them to more or less preemptively excuse their own horrible behavior. 


fostec
  Posted: 2/11/2010 10:15 PM Subject: Abusive Ex Who WONT Go Away
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, I didn‘t want the kids to have the newer one because it has features I don‘t like.   It goes online for one thing, and my daughter accidentally ended up on facebook once when she used it.  Also, I figured I would keep one or the other of them, since I really like the biggest loser game they have for the little machine, and the kids like going on pictochat with me.  so i kept the one i bought (which is what he refers to) and gave her the one he bought, but only after my son lost interest in his machine. 

He has been kept from having contact with us for a couple of months, which is why he showed up at my door and tried to demand to see his daughter.  Now that the courts are asking him for money, he‘s trying to claim that I took off and if he had known where I was, he would have seen his daughter.

I ran so far I managed to move HIM out of the city I still live in, to a tiny little fly-in community where all of the mailboxes are P.O. boxes because Canada Post doesn‘t deliver out as far as the houses.

My lawyer found out what his income has been for the entire time that he was whining to me that he can‘t afford to pay this that or the other, and gawd, what a prick!

Anyway he‘s going to get what‘s coming to him, and I hope soon (mostly because this baby is about to show up and I really don‘t want my water to break in court)  :)



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