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| jdavij2003 |
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Posted: 12/31/2009 8:08 PM |
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Subject: I need help finding help for her |
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New WomanSaver
Female Member
Age: 24
Total Posts: 2
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United States
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I joined this forum because I have a problem, or rather, my brother-in-law‘s girlfriend has problems.
Here is what I know:
My husband‘s brother (Allen) has a girlfriend (Tanya). They have been together for almost a year. She has two children, 3yrs and 1yr old. Tanya is currently pregnant with Allen‘s baby. Allen and Tanya live together. Allen is a bum who works full time but spends all of his money on drugs and God knows what else. Tanya doesn‘t work and is on welfare. He is 23, she is 22. Their baby is due at the beginning of February.
I hadn‘t really gotten to know Tanya until very recently, and while she is a nice person and seems to be somewhat intelligent, she was raised in poverty and was sexually abused all of her life. Allen also grew up in a poor household. He is violent and has a quick temper (and he does weird things, like shoot neighborhood cats with a BB gun). He has been in trouble with the law more times than any of us can count. Tanya told me that he has physically abused her several times and also threatens her often. He is constantly bossing her around and although she wouldn‘t admit it to me, I think she is scared of him.
Just this past week. cops came and busted Allen for building a grow room for marijuana in his basement. Tanya is currently working on getting full custody of her kids from her ex-husband (right now they share custody, ex-husband was also abusive). Allen did not get arrested, but is being taken to court. Because Tanya and her children live in the house, everyone is worried about her possibly losing her kids, and what will happen once the baby is born.
I want to know what, if anything, I can do to help her get out of her situation. Not so much for her, but for her children. Can anyone help?
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Posted: 1/1/2010 5:55 PM |
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Subject: I need help finding help for her |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 4
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Around the Corner
Nebraska
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| jdavij2003 wrote: |
I joined this forum because I have a problem, or rather, my brother-in-law‘s girlfriend has problems.
Here is what I know:
My husband‘s brother (Allen) has a girlfriend (Tanya). They have been together for almost a year. She has two children, 3yrs and 1yr old. Tanya is currently pregnant with Allen‘s baby. Allen and Tanya live together. Allen is a bum who works full time but spends all of his money on drugs and God knows what else. Tanya doesn‘t work and is on welfare. He is 23, she is 22. Their baby is due at the beginning of February.
I hadn‘t really gotten to know Tanya until very recently, and while she is a nice person and seems to be somewhat intelligent, she was raised in poverty and was sexually abused all of her life. Allen also grew up in a poor household. He is violent and has a quick temper (and he does weird things, like shoot neighborhood cats with a BB gun). He has been in trouble with the law more times than any of us can count. Tanya told me that he has physically abused her several times and also threatens her often. He is constantly bossing her around and although she wouldn‘t admit it to me, I think she is scared of him.
Just this past week. cops came and busted Allen for building a grow room for marijuana in his basement. Tanya is currently working on getting full custody of her kids from her ex-husband (right now they share custody, ex-husband was also abusive). Allen did not get arrested, but is being taken to court. Because Tanya and her children live in the house, everyone is worried about her possibly losing her kids, and what will happen once the baby is born.
I want to know what, if anything, I can do to help her get out of her situation. Not so much for her, but for her children. Can anyone help?
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All of this and she‘s a mother of 2 and one-to-be.
The only way to help her children is to help her. Some of the ladies here with children can answer in regard to how to handle that. Children are not my arena.
As for her... absolutely she is scared. She needs to go. A drug addict and physical abuser with a police record who shoots wandering cats....(bb gun or not, still.)...and low and behold, threats of worsening violence. Her future and that of her children looks grim. She needs a plan. She needs a safe house. She needs therapy. There must be something for women in your area. Look in the phone book or on the internet for nearby places. Do what you can to steer her in the right direction. Life doesn‘t have to be like that for anyone.
Google for her "abuser behavior" or "signs of an abuser" or something of the sort. Show it to her. Let her absorb it. Talk to her. Let her know you care what happens to them. It‘s amazing how much better we all do in life just knowing that at least someone, anyone really cares.
It was really nice of you to selflessly reach out and try to help someone. And what a great opportunity to make a positive difference in 3 young lives.
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| jdavij2003 |
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Posted: 1/7/2010 9:24 AM |
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Subject: I need help finding help for her |
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New WomanSaver
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Age: 24
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Thank you for your advice. I did a lot of research online about abuse and I have printed off several things for her to read. Two days ago she asked me about counseling and I gave her information on where she could go for that. She and Allen have moved in with Allen‘s parents (my in-laws). Tanya feels like the whole family doesn‘t care about her. I told her that if the things she told me are true, she shouldn‘t stick around. I told her that her kids do not deserve to be around it. We talked for awhile. But just last night, Allen sent me a text message. He was very angry at me for having talked to her. He says that she is a liar and manipulative. I told him that I am worried about him and Tia and the kids. I told him that I am worried that those kids will have to go through the same terrible childhood that Allen and his brothers lived through (their father was abusive to them and their mom). I also told him that the reason I got involved is because I care about him and his family. I hope that I handled this okay.
About an hour after my conversation with Allen, my mother-in-law sent me a message saying that she had a long talk with Allen and she thinks he is telling the truth. He says that he did choke her one time but it was only for two seconds and he was so upset about it that he called his mother and spent the night at his parents‘ house. My mother-in-law also thinks that Tanya is a liar and is trying to cause drama and "break up the family". I asked why Allen is still with her if she is so bad, and she says it‘s only because of the baby that‘s on the way. I was very upset with my mother-in-law because she herself suffered years of abuse (is still with the man) and allowed her kids to be abused as well. We texted back and forth for awhile and she stopped talking to me because I insisted that if I think that abuse is going on, I‘m not going to ignore it. At least I think that‘s why she stopped talking to me.
Anyway, my question now is, should I continue to try and do something about it? Or am I out of line? I wouldn‘t put it past Allen to make Tanya look bad so that he doesn‘t look bad. Again, I want to mention that Tanya has no friends or family around. Allen and Allen‘s family are all she‘s got. I am having a baby shower at my house on Sunday for Tanya. My mother-in-law and Allen will also be there, along with other family members.
I‘m wondering if I should sit down with all three of them and give them all the information I have found online? Is this a bad idea? Or should I just give it up and leave it alone?
HELP!
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Posted: 1/7/2010 10:29 AM |
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Subject: I need help finding help for her |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Age: 4
Total Posts: 443
Around the Corner
Nebraska
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| jdavij2003 wrote: | Thank you for your advice. I did a lot of research online about abuse and I have printed off several things for her to read. Two days ago she asked me about counseling and I gave her information on where she could go for that. She and Allen have moved in with Allen‘s parents (my in-laws). Tanya feels like the whole family doesn‘t care about her. I told her that if the things she told me are true, she shouldn‘t stick around. I told her that her kids do not deserve to be around it. We talked for awhile. But just last night, Allen sent me a text message. He was very angry at me for having talked to her. He says that she is a liar and manipulative. I told him that I am worried about him and Tia and the kids. I told him that I am worried that those kids will have to go through the same terrible childhood that Allen and his brothers lived through (their father was abusive to them and their mom). I also told him that the reason I got involved is because I care about him and his family. I hope that I handled this okay.
About an hour after my conversation with Allen, my mother-in-law sent me a message saying that she had a long talk with Allen and she thinks he is telling the truth. He says that he did choke her one time but it was only for two seconds and he was so upset about it that he called his mother and spent the night at his parents‘ house. My mother-in-law also thinks that Tanya is a liar and is trying to cause drama and "break up the family". I asked why Allen is still with her if she is so bad, and she says it‘s only because of the baby that‘s on the way. I was very upset with my mother-in-law because she herself suffered years of abuse (is still with the man) and allowed her kids to be abused as well. We texted back and forth for awhile and she stopped talking to me because I insisted that if I think that abuse is going on, I‘m not going to ignore it. At least I think that‘s why she stopped talking to me.
Anyway, my question now is, should I continue to try and do something about it? Or am I out of line? I wouldn‘t put it past Allen to make Tanya look bad so that he doesn‘t look bad. Again, I want to mention that Tanya has no friends or family around. Allen and Allen‘s family are all she‘s got. I am having a baby shower at my house on Sunday for Tanya. My mother-in-law and Allen will also be there, along with other family members.
I‘m wondering if I should sit down with all three of them and give them all the information I have found online? Is this a bad idea? Or should I just give it up and leave it alone?
HELP!
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Thank you so much for coming back and responding. I‘ve been checking your thread every day just waiting.
As far as talking to Allen and his mother, I‘m thinking that‘s a lost cause. "Abuse" is a normal lifestyle for them. While your conversation to them is completely normal, they are not normal people. I think with those two you‘ll just end up spinning your wheels. Of course they both would blame Tanya for everything. It keeps them from taking a good, long, hard look at themselves. Especially the mother. She let her kids be abused for years. My feeling is she is not going to try to correct her son‘s behavior since she couldn‘t/can‘t even correct her own. She will just "protect" him by blaming everyone but him and herself.
I would just keep my focus on her. She asked about counseling and that is HUGE! She wants help. Half of her battle is already won.
Prepare to defend yourself, too. Even though you ARE doing a wonderfully fabulous thing here by trying to help the children and their mom, Allen‘s family will fight you and make you out to be the bad guy. Don‘t let them wear you down.
Again, keep your focus on Tanya and her little ones.
 and a  to you for being such a nice person!
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