WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / How do you know an abuser has changed.

Anger management often just teaches them to hide their actions better.  He needs counseling to figure out why he is not happy with himself.

I can tell you right now that he is NOT okay.  This is why:

1. He is talking about you to family and friends - This is a form of control.  Since there is a restraining order, the only way he can control you is through them.

2.  He has NOT taken responsibility for his actions.  He has minimized them and lied about them.  If you take him back his family and friends will undoubtedly think you lied about the whole event. 

These two things are evident.  He is minimizing and lying.  It doesn‘t sound like he is putting a shine on to you.  To you he is still controlling. More than likely he will NEVER get better.  I can guarantee right now, that if you let him back, things would get worse.

 I understand the situation you are in.  I had an order of protection placed on my husband for threatening my son.  He has his friends and family convinced that I over reacted, and that it wasn‘t that bad.  What he fails to tell them is about all the other times.  And for the full 2 weeks before that he was constantly yelling at me and the kids.

He also fails to tell them that he doesn‘t pay child support and the threats to hurt my business, and the sudden flat tires I get.

There is no help for your husband. I am sorry.  I know.  I prayed to God to help my husband change.  I prayed and I cried.  I was really pissed off to find that God wasn‘t going to change him.  You have to change yourself.  Not him

I know, it sucks doesn‘t it?  Why do we have to be the ones to learn, and to change?  Because, sweetie as much as you want to believe it.  He doesn‘t LOVE you.  He has no reason to change.  You are his perfect little punching bag.  He just wants to control you.

Go to see a counselor who specializes in abuse.  Call the rape and abuse crisis center. They have free counseling there. 

It is you that needs to change.  Because, even if you don‘t go back to him you are likely to end up with another abuser. Don‘t ask me how, it just works that way.  We send signals to that type of man that we are willng to be the victim.  We are too nice.  We forgive our men, because everyone deserves a second chance.  Then one day, there is nothing left that is nice.  He doesn‘t care how you feel, nor does he care that he hurt you.  Life is chaos.  There is no forgiveness time and you are dirt.

Please read Kaylar‘s Process of Domestic Violence.  It is a thread in the abuse section.  I bet it is on page 2 or 3.

Go to a counselor, it is you that has to change.  You have to do it for you and you have to do it for your daughter.  If you don‘t, she will follow right along in your foot steps.  Right now, she is learning to stand up for herself.

Good job on filing charges, and keeping him away.  Stand your ground sweetie. You are in the right. Don‘t let him have unsupervised visits.  He is not better.  He needs a psychologist. He should be owning up to his buddies and family.  He should be admitting fault to them.  He is not.  

 It will get better.  I don‘t know how long it takes to completely heal.  I am still working on it.

The answer is - they don‘t change.  They don‘t get better.  And yes, if he is suddenly "behaving good" that is only until the heat is off, and he‘s no longer under scrutiny.  He is cunning and manipulative, and you would be a fool to trust him.  It will only escalate and continue to get worse.

Read up on the dynamics of domestic violence.  There is a cycle of the honeymoon period - tension building - and acting out.  This is all about power and control.

Many of us here have experienced this.  I hope you will continue posting.

People have already made a lot of good, logical, inescapably true points above, which it is no use my trying to improve on. In a lot of situations, I think I can see how a man might be OK, or bearable anyway, if treated differently. But the way to know if this one changes, is by observing rigor mortis setting in. It would probably do him the power of good.

People sometimes do reform, and overcome a drastic problem - e.g. drink, drugs, violence, kleptomania, seriously aberrant personal relations, etc.. etc. But not everybody can, and this man is suffering from a wide-ranging cluster of problems, such as I doubt if anybody can get out of. They haven‘t got you beaten. They have got him beaten.

It is very true that women often step from one disastrous man to another, and this is something you really have to watch out for. Maybe they are impressed by the air of latent power and confidence which is often where the violent control-freak begins. 

Or it might be just coolness, which the young, especially, are psychologically programmed to find attractive. Maybe God or Darwin‘s Theory of Evolution or somebody like that doesn‘t want us to hook up with the desperate (and therefore the nervous), because the desperate just might know their own evolutionary unfitness best. But men are often cool because they know one woman is just as good as another, and there is always another around the next corner. There is a lot to be said for the man who can see and laugh at his own mistakes. 

Supervised visitation could also be done through a trusted friend or relative.  I think the therapist is sort of perfect, myself.  It costs money but it also guarantees that there is documentation if the ex tries to pull anything with the kids.

It is tempting to weaken, but you have to be careful, because you are dealing with a man who‘s into power and control, and is counting on your "weakness" so that he can regain control.  He hasn‘t changed.  If you could not get along with him in the marriage, you will have a bigger battle  on your hands in the divorce.  He is going to do everything he can to punish you for tarnishing his "good guy" image.  He will use the kids to get back at you.

All of this is about what‘s best for your children - not what is good for him.  You would not be in this situation if he was a "good guy."

It is beyond me why mediation is ever a consideration in a divorce with an abuser.  I went through it with an abuser too, and it was excruciating for me to have to sit across the table from him and "negotiate."

Forget about his needs, his wants, and his feelings.  Imagine the next 10 years ahead, and what those 10 years are going to be like.  Give serious thought to the reality of what you have been through.  You may think he has only been abusive to you, but he will eventually turn it on the kids.  Imagine the worst case scenario, and what you would have to go through if it happened.  The agreements you make now are lasting and permanent, and although people say you can "change" a parenting plan, it‘s a huge expense, and both parties still have to "agree" and it still has to be signed and approved by a judge.  If you give this guy an inch, he is going to take a mile.

Your children are hurt and confused, and of course, they miss their dad.  You have to be the adult and decide what is best for them.

Best of luck to you!  I know it is not easy.

That was very well thought out and explained Rhiannon!

I know the almost exact same circumstances.  Since I decided to divorce my husband he has been vindictive and manipulative.  We were going through and exchange center for him to visit the kids.  For TWO times we tried him just picking them up at the house.  When we went to where there was no documentation he suddenly started accusing me of not letting him see the kids, he lied and said I was yelling at him etc.

There is no easy way.  You just have to cut all ties with him.  He is an abuser and there is no negotiation.  Just him stepping back into your life and going back to his old evil ways.  You know the real him. 

Two months is not enough time for him to change.  It will take some time for you to heal.  It can‘t be done over night.  You need to keep him away. You are doing just fine.