WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Pretty Girls Don‘t Cry

Pretty Girls Don‘t Cry

You know this is your fault? You realize that had you been nicer, prettier, skinnier, sexier, smarter, more loving, more caring. If you had kept your mouth shut, never said a word, never bitched, never complained, never voiced your opinion, never said a word, none of this would have happened. It’s your fault he drinks, it’s your fault he does drugs, it’s your fault he looks at other women, it’s your fault this relationship is on the rocks. It’s your fault. It’s your fault he talks to you the way he does and it’s your fault he hit you, it’s your fault he yells at you, it’s your fault. ALL YOUR FAULT. You stupid, stupid girl. Now what are you going to do? Yes you’re all alone aren’t you? He will soon be with another woman. Are you happy now? You got what you wanted now didn’t you? You got what you deserved.

Why are you so mad? Why do you care so deeply what he’s doing? Or who’s he about to ****? Maybe he’ll even scrape up enough money to take her to dinner? Why are you so pissed off that he has a new girl? Because you know in your heart he will NEVER treat her like that. She is not you, she is different, and she is special. He will give her the love he never gave you. He will give her love you wished he had given you.

Now I want you to know this, you stupid, stupid girl. Know this. He will give her EXACTLY the same love he gave you. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, but someday she will slip, and when she does? He will be there to help her, correct her, save her, take care of her, show her the way, show her the light, and show her exactly what she needs. He will tell her she needs to lose a few pounds, that perhaps her hair could be longer. Maybe she could read a book? Maybe she should just let him do what he wants. She will soon find out. She knows about you, she’s heard what a horrible bitch you were. She vowed never to be you. She will love him in a way you couldn’t. She will love him, take care of him, she will make the difference. She will be the one to change him. He will never hurt her, he will NEVER HURT HER. He only hurt you. Because it was your entire fault. And you deserved it.

Hurts doesn’t it? I wish I could say it doesn’t. I wish I could make it go away for you. I wish I could turn back the clock in your life, give you back your self esteem. Give you back what you once were, before whatever happened in your life to make you such a saver. I would erase whatever incident made you become what you are today, a seeker.

You don’t look for them, they find you. You have a magnet in your soul and you just attract them. They all look different. But yet they are all the same. Why does this happen? Like a bad dream that just keeps coming every night, you find them. And they hurt you, you know they hurt you. When you see the red flags you do not run. You stay, convinced that maybe this one is different. You know you should run, run run run, but you stay. He works his magic on you, and you fall deep under his spell. By the time you realize you’ve done it again it’s too late.

Know that you are not alone. Know that millions of women are like you. Hurt like you, cry like you. Wish they weren’t you. Even HER, someday she will think of you and wonder why she thought she’d be different.

Know that you cannot change him, you cannot help him. You cannot create what is not there. You cannot give him a heart, a conscience, a soul. He will destroy every part of what makes you, you. He will hurt you, maybe just mentally, maybe physically. He will destroy your self esteem. He will hurt you, trust me. And the sickest part? He probably doesn’t even know he’s doing it.

You cannot make him see. He will never see. He will never see how he’s hurt you, how his words cut like a knife through your soul. He will see the defeat in your eyes, in your tears in your heart. And he will feel better for it. You will feed his ego; you will feed the need he has to feel power over you. He will feel great, you will feel crushed. The worse you feel, the better he feels.

He hurt you didn’t he? He said something cruel, you finally got fed up. You ignored his calls; you listened to his voicemails, read his emails, his instant messages. You listened to him apologize. When did you realize that he doesn‘t mean it? He didn’t mean to hurt you... HE HATES WHEN HE HURTS YOU... Why can’t you see? You will find the courage, he will chase you, and he will become more persistent. How dare you leave him? That’s not the way it works. He is the boss. You do not decide.

So you’ve been worn down. You know he’s sorry. You miss him, you’re sorry you fought with him, if you had just not brought it up. This never would have happened. Things would be perfect now and maybe you’ll have more of those “Good”: days, the ones where he called you Baby, beautiful. One of those days he’s laughed at your jokes, maybe you tumbled across the living room floor giggling and some joke only he would understand. WHY were you SUCH a bitch? If you’d only kept your ****ing mouth shut. Now you really miss him, you call. He lets you call, he listens to you. You wait for him to hang up on you. He doesn’t. Oh my god you think! He finally understands. He finally knows that he’s hurt you. He’s ready to love you the way you deserve to be loved! This is a great day! You’re so happy! You’re going to talk later, yes later he will call on the phone and you will discuss how wrong you were and how it will never happen again. You’ll be especially sorry, and you will make plans to meet in person, you will walk up and he will practically pick you up off the ground, spin you around and kiss you full on the lips, you will feel the heat in his kiss, the hunger of his tongue. His cock will immediately get hard and press against you. You’ll be able to feel his need. He’ll grab both sides of you face and hold you, just look at you. He just wants too look at you, and when you look back, deep into his eyes, you see it’s filled with all the love in the world. His eyes tell you that he loves only you; he’s never really loved anyone but you. You make is soul scream with desire; he wants you sexually like he’s never wanted another. He hugs you tight and whispers in your ear “I’m so sorry baby, I love you, I never want to be that man who makes you cry”

Stupid, stupid girl. Let’s see he says he doesn’t want to be the man that makes you cry but got damn! You’re crying that actually is a true line, my ex told me that one night exactly like the above…well guess what? He made me cry, made me question everything in my soul, because it was wrong, I needed to learn how to relax, enjoy life, enjoy him) He now knows you miss him, you need him. You forgive him. Perhaps you shouldn’t get back together he says, you’d be much better off without him. Yes, he thinks this would be best for you. He will go away, and not be a bother to you.

What? Or you’re crying again are you? He tells you to stop bothering him. Stop calling him. STOP harassing him!! He wants nothing to do with you because it’s YOUR fault this happened.

Wait a minute. Stop calling him? WTF? You play your voicemail message that you’ve saved, you know the one where he “almost” apologizes but not quite. He wanted to talk, yes you hear him correctly. He wanted to discuss this relationship. He MISSES you.

Stupid, stupid girl. He knows you’re screwed. He knows he has the upper hand. You dared to defy him? YOU dared to say no?

Well now?

Now you will pay

Now he will not take your calls. He will not answer the door. You will regret not having him in your life. You will see. And he will show you, in the cruelest way of all, he will ignore you.

But will you see?

You will find him again. He will be another man, he will look differently. But in his own way he will crush you. Crush you like you were crushed before.

And in a sick way? You totally deserve it. You stupid bitch.

Harsh? I know I can be harsh. I am not a doctor. Have nothing to scholastically prove that I know more then you. I can speak these words; I can call you a stupid bitch. And I can mean it. You cannot get mad at me. You cannot wonder who the Fuck I think I am.

It’s none of your business who I am. But I am an expert on you.

Because I am you.

I know exactly what you’re thinking, feeling, it hurts doesn’t it? I hope it does hurt. I hope you’re crying your ****ing eyes out. I hope you’re upset, angry. I hope you feel helpless, alone and desolate. I hope the thought of him with another woman is just tearing you in half. I hope you lose weight, I hope you cannot eat. I even hope maybe if I’m really lucky…you‘re on the bathroom floor with your head in the toilet, so upset you’re vomiting your guts out.

But tell me first, before you slam this down and think in your head "FUCK HER” I want you to remember what this feels like. I want you to remember what it feels like to have your entire world destroyed like it was nothing.

Because this next time, you stupid, stupid girl...

Next time maybe you’ll see the red flag waving in the wind. Maybe you’ll stop and put boundaries around yourself, your heart, and your head. Next time maybe you won’t just lie down and take it.

So yes, **** me. Fuck me because I am you.

You are someone’s daughter, mother, sister, and friend. Many people love you, care for you. How would those that love you feel if they knew really knew how this man made you feel? I wish I could take the pain away, I wish someone would have taken it from me. To say, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger, never dated an abusive man. It does not make us stronger. It makes us just shake our heads and wonder what we keep doing wrong.

I do not know you, but I will hug you.

I do not know you but I love you.

I do not know you but I respect you.

You had the courage to read this, and you had the courage to keep reading. He has no right to hurt you. He has no right to insult you. He has no right to step on you, to make you feel small in the world. He is not your world. But you, yes you are his. Without someone like you to crush he is nothing. You might even be a very strong woman. They like your type the best. Like the finest morsel of food, the most delicious chocolate. It feels so much better to crush someone like you. Because if they can break you? They can break anyone.

If he has hurt you physically. Run, run far and fast. If he grabs you once, he’ll do it again. He is a man, you are weaker, and he can physically hurt you. Get away, use your wits. There is help; all you need to do is look for it.

If he has hurt you mentally, erase it. Do not listen. He is wrong. He has always been wrong. You are a woman, you are stronger then you know. He will find every detail you’ve ever told him about your life and he will remember it. He’s used it to hurt you, what you thought was sharing, he tabulated as ammunition. Oh you think I’m wrong do you? He really was listening? Caring? BULLSHIT. Did he not yell at you and bring up something you said weeks ago? Oh so he did? hmmm....

Do not lie to me. You cannot lie to me. I will know you’re lying with the first excuse you give me for his behavior. Did he have a bad day at work? Providing he even has a job, or did something happen a long time ago and that why he is the way he is? Oh it was his mother? Or maybe, just maybe to make this thought even more delicious it was his ex!!!

Stop it, stop making excuses.

Stop putting on long sleeved shirts to cover bruises, stop making excuses to your friends or family. Providing those friends or family are even talking to you anymore. I’m sure he put a stop to that a long time ago. You cannot have any allies you stupid girl. He is the only thing you needed. And now it’s just you and him.

You’re screwed.

But are you? Well in some ways yes. My advice? RUN, run as far, and as fast as you can. But the sex was great. Tell me something, unless this is the first man you’ve had sex with, lets think in your past. Out of all the men you slept with, how many were really bad? I know I can count maybe 2 that I would not brag to my friends about. Oh wait you think I don’t understand? I just gave him a man (or he broke up with me because of ALL the things I did wrong) who could eat a snack pack pudding cup without a spoon and get not a drop of chocolate on his face, how’s that for a super tongue? Sex was phenomenal. And yes I miss it. You will find someone else to please you physically. Maybe you’ll even allow him to please you mentally?

Give it a chance.

I do not know you but I hug you. I do not know you but I love you.

Take care of yourself my friend. You need never know who I am, but know that I am you, in mind and soul. I feel your pain, and I feel your tears. I send you love to fill that empty pit in your stomach. I send you good thoughts to clear your mind; I send peace to your soul.

Know that you are never alone, that I am here somewhere in the world and I am you. I understand that your heart is like the wings of a butterfly. I will hold your hand, and hug you while you sob. I will pull your hair back while you vomit your soul because of him. I will be here when you call; I will be here when you need me. I am here on this site 24 hours a day, every day all day. I read this over and over again myself. I erased his voicemails long ago, where he called me a bitch, a piece of ****… you know the rest. I do keep the one where he said he missed me though; yes….I did, so in case you thought I was just some self righteous blogger, you now know the truth. I am just as sick as you are.

You have so much to love to give, so much to give the world, to others and to someone special. It’s time to break this chain, break this cycle in your life. Make peace with the demon in your soul. And know that his soul will forever be cursed, and if he truly were a good man, he would never have done or said the things he has to you.

It is not your fault. You cannot save him. You cannot change him. You cannot make a difference in his world.

But ask yourself this my friend, did you really love him? Or did you merely want to save him?

Pity her though; pity her that follows you down that wretched path. And although she may smile on the outside, you should say a prayer for her. She will be you, maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But she will be you.

Trust me.

“cry in the sun when the devil beats his wife”

That was an incredible post.  So true, and brutally honest which works for me.

But I have been here a long time.  I came here for years trying to figure out if there was something wrong with me, or if it was him.  He spied on me. He hated this site. 

It has been 11 months now since I kicked my husband out on an order of protection.  No he hadn‘t hit me.  He had thrown things at me, called me names, ignored me, cheated on me and was emotionally abusive. 

He threatened to beat my son because my son told him outright that he was sick of him calling his Mom a bitch.  My son didn‘t swear he was just very matter of fact on how he had been treating me and my sons.  My husband was an asshole.

He had a girlfriend calling the house.  He would not tell her to stop calling.  He said he couldn‘t do that to her because she wasn‘t a bitch like me. 

He has since moved in with another woman 10 years or more his senior.  She‘s not pretty.  They both smoke and they are both stinky.  She has money.  That is what my husband will dip his wick for.

I DON‘T want him back.  He disgusts me now.  I have thought about it, and the only way that I would even talk to him would be to toy with him like a cat.  She will dump him soon, or he will get tired of being with the ugly old lady.  I can see in his eyes that he misses being with me.

 I know that I am what he wants, long blone hair and pretty.  He couldn‘t tell me I was pretty while we were together. But that was the look he coveted.  But to have to actually tell me he is sorry and truly mean it?  ummm..he can‘t do that.  Cause he is never wrong in his eyes.

 He just can‘t see that what he has done to me is why we are where we are today. My Give A Damn for him is busted. 

  I have tried dating.  The men I have met are psycho.  I haven‘t had one make it past 3 dates. My oldest son thinks I am now a man hater.  It‘s not that.  It‘s just that I am in that next time right NOW.  I don‘t want to make any mistakes.  I also like the fact that I am the Mistress of my own destiny.

If I want to redecorate, I will.  I don‘t feel guilty about buying new clothes.  I am going to take myself on a vacation.  He never even wanted a honeymoon.  I am going to give myself one.

I can do that because I see the demons and the devils in the men I have met.  I don‘t let them get close to me.  I don‘t want to be controlled anymore.  In fact I am feeling kind of Bossy, Bitchy and I say what is on my mind and make them go very far away.

I don‘t feel bad about the inlaws anymore either. Truth be told they were just as messed up as him, going around in circles in their destructive little paths with no love.  Pushing and pulling in their manipulative pecking orders.  Seeing who could control who.  So far, they all get what they want from Mommy.  Which I think is why my hubby has to have someone who will take care of him.  That is why he goes for the older woman with money.  His Daddy was a player who abused the rest of the family.  Now he is too. 

We don‘t have a divorce court date yet.  It has almost been a year since I filed.  He has abused me from afar.  Harassed me, and then accused me of harrassing him.  He is sick.  Just the same old games from him.  Except now, I don‘t back down.  I call him deadbeatdaddy. 

 He wouldn‘t send child support.  I finally got an order for it.  Surprisingly the judge also gave me spousal support.  He hasn‘t sent a dime since it was court ordered.  I wonder if my husband will go to jail, because he would rather do that than pay me anything that will make my life easier. 

*smile* Jail or pay up!!  Where‘s my money bitch!  The wheels of justice are slow.  Will this teach him a lesson?  NO.  He just thinks it‘s all my fault, it has nothing to do with him and his getting his just desserts.  Karma is whipping his ass and he‘s too dumb to know it.

Believe You:  Your post describes the dynamic of abusive relationships quite well.  Any of us who "have been there and done that" would recognize ourselves in that post.

I don‘t believe any of us are "stupid."  None of us should put ourselves down.  We have lived with enough putdowns from the abuser.  Trusting the wrong people doesn‘t make us stupid, and even strangers and friends are often fooled by these guys when they put on the charm and the "nice guy" demeanor.  It is why so many of us do not receive emotional support from others when the relationship ends.

Where they really get us is when they have us believing that if we would try harder, or do more, or if we would act differently, they wouldn‘t behave the way they do.  It takes tremendous self awareness to know when we are being manipulated. 

We love who we love and we don‘t always choose who we love.  And love is often blind  at least in the beginning, and we don‘t always love someone who deserves it.  All long term relationships have their rough spots, and in the beginning, the good outweighs the bad.  You are so right that by the time we figure it out, it is often "too late" - after the house has been purchased, after the kids are born, or once we are not financially solvent.   We often don‘t see that when we were falling in love, and giving so freely of ourselves, that a trap was being set!

I will say that I loved well and not too wisely.  I am glad to be out of those bad relationships now.

I am also happy to say that the cycle can be broken.  It is a relief not to live that way anymore.  I never believed that life could be this good.  I am happy to see that my daughters aren‘t continuing the cycle of abusive relationships, and that they have good men. 

That is me...

I have been vomiting not once...

Thank you for writing this, I will read it again and again until this nightmare is over.

My big hug to you.

Life really does get better.  Maybe you can print it and make copies to put wherever you choose?   Maybe also write down positive things about yourself  on little pieces of paper/stickies and put them everywhere as well;  all over your house, in your car.

I will do that, thank you for the advice. 

I just broke free of a 7 year soul-crusher like this post described.  All the blame is on me of course.  Still feeling numb and ashamed at what I let myself endure but I feel a sense of solace and understanding in this site and forum.  I definitely needed to hear what this post said, though...Wow.

Good for you for having the strength to break free.   Not everyone does.   You are a woman of strength.  There‘s a positive thought for your stickies.  I can relate to everything you just said.  I felt the shame, etc., too.   My terrible r‘ship lasted 10+ years. 

Here‘s another positive thing I know about you from your first post... you are a very honest person.  Put that on a stickie too.