WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / family therapist still hurting after 2 years of divorce . . .

Yup.  It‘s time to admit that I am NOT doing this well at all on my own.  Thought I could up and divorce my abusive husband, get on with my therapy practice, raise my two daughters and I would be JUST FINE.  Nope.  Nope. Nope.  Turns out, my ex turned the community, the courts and most of our friends against me with some false "Bipolar" diagnosis plea and now I have been in and out of the courts for the past three years, fighting this stupid diagnosis (and he doesn‘t even work in mental health -- he works in computers!!).  Meanwhile, what once was a doting father and husband has turned before my very eyes . . .who IS this guy?  Everything he said he hated before, he loves now and everything he loved before, he hates now -- including me.  He is sooo vindictive and hateful toward me, it is stomach-turning.  I am pretty darned sure that I could move on with my life and coparent pretty effectively if I didn‘t have the rug pulled out from me every couple of months or so.  I have literally had my two girls snatched from me for weeks or months at a time due to this "Bipolar" deal until I finally got fed up, hired a new, more proactive attorney, spent thousands more on not one but TWO thorough psychiatric evaluations to say, thank you, no, I am not Bipolar (I think I am up to about $70,000 and a bankruptcy in attorney fees at this point and counting . . .).

Meanwhile, we are in coparenting and it is like dealing with a pitbull.  The coparenting instructor, who I actually know and used to like, just sits there passively and I am seething inside while this guy sits and lies and lies and lies and looks like Mr. GQ Smooth.  It‘s either that, or I start ranting.  You know the drill, ladies . . .abuse begets the "Oh no, I‘m not putting up with any more of this b.s. anymore!!" and then we go psycho in front of strangers and they think WE are the nutty ones.

So, here I am, on the verge of a third set of holidays, without my girls again . . . and I am realizing it is time to reach out.  To you all . . to a therapist, to a divorce group, to volunteer, to do SOMETHING or else I won‘t be around next year.  Seriously.  My little animal companions can only comfort me sooo much and then I have to do for myself.  And anyhow, how much help am I doing for my clients if I am this wounded myself???

Thanks for letting me share.  It helps to know I am not alone out there.  But it certainly sucks to know there are sooo many of us out there. Would love to hear from some of you out there and see how others are getting through and HOW they are getting through. . . .

DebsDragon

, Deb.  

I don‘t have any children, so I‘ll stay away from the coparenting issue. 

I‘m sensing from your words that you feel like you should be above emotional trauma, or expert at dealing with it, because of your line of work.   That‘s a very high standard to which to hold yourself.... an impossible one.   You are human, just like the rest of us.  Cliche, I know, but nonetheless true.     No one knows exactly how they‘ll handle any given situation until they find themselves in it.

This ex of yours seems pretty intent on making you out to be "not all there" and you‘re playing right into it.  You‘re doing exactly what he wants you to do.  My ex sort of did the same thing and I reacted just as you do...seethingly.   He would tell lies to people and I‘d go into a fit.  Yep, I looked like the crazy one.    It nearly drove me batty.  A day finally came when I was too over it to give it any kind of emotional reaction at all.  That was the day the tides started to shift in my direction, and I didn‘t even know it then.  Who knew a simple shrug and eyeroll could do so much. You know you‘re not the person he‘s making you out to be. 

All I‘m trying to say is calm yourself.  You know the truth and that‘s enough.  In time, others will see it, too.  As far as those he turned against you, well, they weren‘t there for you to begin with.  You only thought they were.  If they were by your side then, they‘d be by your side now.  Shame on them, I say.  To me, it seems it always takes a traumatic event in our lives to find out who our friends really are, to find out who really loves you for you.   Stay true to yourself no matter who says what or who thinks what about you.

Maybe take a day off from what ails you on a regular basis, or even a couple hours here and there.  Whatever it is that you like to do, go do it.. and keep doing it.  Make time for it.  You‘ll be glad you did.  It will help balance/center you.  

Hey Debsdragon, WELCOME to Womansavers!  I am glad you joined us.  Even therapists are human and need help once in a while.  I am really glad you reached out to us.  You are among kindred spirits here, and I am sure you will be able to relate to our stories, just as we will be able to relate to yours.

You‘ve been through a helluva time of it, and any of us who have left an abuser can relate to your story.  You divorced a powerful and cunning manipulator, and it is very frustrating to watch these creeps lie and manipulate and twist things around - and actually convince people that they are right.

And it‘s one thing to leave an abuser when it‘s just you, and quite another, when there are children involved.  It means it isn‘t over, when it‘s over!  Sometimes it actually feels worse.  Then it becomes harassment through the parenting plan.  And they don‘t just work one over on you - they work one over on the kids, too.

I am very sorry that you have had to live this way, but I can give you lots of pointers on strategy.  You will need it to cope over the long term.  It helps to anticipate what these guys are going to do next - where they are likely to strike.  They do everything possible to try to discredit you.  You will get to a point where you can predict what he will do before it happens.

Hang in there Dear!  I can promise you that life will not always be as difficult as it is right now.  Your ex is going to trip himself up eventually.  People will eventually tire of listening to him.  And one day your children will figure it all out.  Just try to be calm and take things one day at a time - and most importantly - give him nothing to go on. 

Welcome!  I hope you will continue to post!

Dear DebsDragon,

I am going through a horrible divorce.  I filed last January and it isn‘t over yet.  My husband does as much as he can to ruin my life.  What doesn‘t make sense is that he was cheating on me, he is now living with the other woman and he still thinks of me as his favorite punching bag.

This has helped me handle it a bit.  When he does something

like accuse me of neglect because I didn‘t email him immediatley that I took one of the kids to the doctor for an infected finger...he saw them 1 hour after the appointment for his visitation.

I first write down every nasty thing I want to say to him!   I let the tears pour and the cuss words come out...ALONE.  Then I table it to think about it more rationally later.

Then later, like the next day or however long it takes me to feel like I can stonewall him I send him an email purposely void of any emotion.  Just the facts ma‘m. 

This accomplishes 2 things:

1.  It pisses him off to no end because he didn‘t get the reaction he wanted.  He wants to make you upset, and you are not complying.  This makes him screw up because he then gets angry and no longer looks like GQ.

2. It puts YOU in control of the situation an will make the tides turn again. 

  I have a restraining order, the only way he is allowed to communicate with me is through email about the kids.  He is not allowed to harrass me.  He does anyway.  But it is to a lesser degree than if I had to see his ugly face in person and hear that condescending crazy voice.

I also make smart remarks like "you must be still in love with me, because you won‘t sign the divorce papers".  "It‘s been fun fighting with you, but I am busy today, got to go".   "You should sign the divorce papers or the girlfriend will think you are still in love with me".  This confuses the hell out of him.

See, you have to realize that your abusive husband is CRAZY.  He can‘t handle you having any kind of life and excuse you for wanting a divorce to get away from his abuse.

Another suggestion that I have for you since this has been going on for so long is to really reach out for some happiness.  Take advantage of the fact that you don‘t have the kids and go somewhere you couldn‘t take them.  Get a cheap flight to Vegas for the weekend.  Grab a girlfriend and just go.

Search the country for a place that you would like to move and see if you could move UP in your job position.  If you can prove to a judge that you are bettering yourself you will be able to move with the kids.  Hence having to deal with him only a few times a year.  I think you need a fresh start dear.

Good luck.  MissL

Hey Debs...I‘m a therapist too...its funny how we are expected to be there "perfect" human being all the while trying to get our clients to accept that there is no such thing. We can‘t solve it all ourselves hun, the day we believe that is the day we are no longer good therapists, so fair play to you for reaching out.

Your ex sounds like a nasty piece of work. this practice of discrediting those who can expose them is very common with bullies, I‘ve seen it happening time and time again both personally and through my work. I‘ve also seen that eventually...and it may take years...one by one it starts to dawn on their cohorts and buddies that this person is dangerous to be around, they usually end up alienating themselves totally...but in the meantime you are going through hell. Stay focused on yourself and your well-being, don‘t get pulled into the "he said, she said" game, better to say nothing and let people figure it out for themselves.

I once had an abusive ex (the reason why I came here some years ago) he and his friend let it be known in our community that I was suffering from delusions and paranoia after a miscarriage and therefore could not be trusted to tell the truth. A lot of people believed them, including some people who I believed to be friends. On the advice of my brother who went through something similar with his ex-wife I simply held my head high and said nothing, I didn‘t get into any conversations about it with anyone I met, I simply remained friendly, bright and breezy...I continued working in I.T. and started to study psychotherapy part-time, I made new connections some of whom turned into good friends, soon I was in a new social circle, life moved on for me...my ex on the otherhand remained "stuck" where he was and continued to bad-mouth me...but eventually people started to doubt what he said as it was plain to see how well I was doing...not that it mattered what those people believed by that time as I was not in contact with any of them, only to say "hello, how are you" if I met them down the supermarket. What goes around comes around eventually. I know its hard when you are going through it...but the best you can do is go on living your life, making plans, setting goals and holding your head high. Do NOT get sucked into his madness.

Other things I was going to add...

My attorney advised me that while I had to "communicate" with the ex about the kids/visitation/parenting plan, it didn‘t mean that I had to "talk" to him directly.  E-Mail, voicemail, and "Reply by Voicemail" was adequate.  I loved the "Reply by Voicemail" feature the best, because I did not have to talk to him directly, so was guaranteed not to engage in an argument   

I was also advised that when I did leave messages that I was to be very civil, polite and business-like - just as I would be at work - when I left messages.  No matter how irritated I was, I made it a point not to be sarcastic, and not to leave barbs.  It took a lot of self control on my part, because obviously, he did not do the same.  His messages were nasty, and I would bristle listening to them.  But the purpose in responding "professionally"  is that there was nothing he could use against me.  He tried everything possible to discredit me.

And Miss Luvly is right.  They really don‘t know what to do when none of their tactics are working for them.

They like to engage in crazy making behavior and push all of our buttons.  They get a perverse satisfaction out of making us "lose it" because they so need that feeling of power and control.  They look for opportunities to do it as often as possible.

I had to learn what my "buttons" were, and the label of "Bad mother" was one of them!  When I reminded myself that he was "trying" to make me mad, that helped, because then I could frustrate him by not giving him what he wanted - a reaction.

And all those people who listen to him, or believe him?  This is when you find out who your true friends are.  My feeling is, if they believe him, then they don‘t know you very well, and were never your true friends to begin with.  That hurts, but it‘s real common.

The important thing is being there for the kids, and doing everything on your part to lessen the trauma for them.  They‘re caught in the middle, and have to be with both of you.  My daughters got real sick of hearing about the divorce.  They would come home and repeat things their dad said, or his parents said, and I would be really upset.  But I learned to be a bit of an "actress" and tried to shrug my shoulders and say, "Consider the source!"  I made it a point not to badmouth him in return, as much as possible.  They needed to "vent" and it made it easier for them if I just listened and tried to be supportive to them.

They came to respect me for not doing what he was doing.

Eventually, other people will tire of it, too, and not want to listen to it anymore,.

Feel free to vent here as much as you like, or need to.

debs...i am so sorry that this is all happening to you. i think what the other girls said really makes alot of sense. please keep posting and let us know how you are.