WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / Hands Off

you said everything belongs to him and nothing is mine.

here are some things that are yours:

your dignity

your self respect

your soul and spirit

your heart

and your future without him

maybe begin planning for that future without him and you will see the rest start to come back or his emotional abuse will be so thorough that your life will be meaningless.

I agree,

Troubled10,

You are on the right path dear.  You husbands words and actions are making you wrongly think things about yourself.  I have been there. 

Your children and you are the utmost of importance in your life right now.  If you don‘t get this beast of a man out of your life right now your beautiful children will be saying those same exact words to you because they will have learned them from him.

(210)521-7273 24 hour hotline: (210)349-7273. THE RAPE CRISIS CENTER David Coy Building 7500 US Hwy 90 West Building 2, Suite 201. San Antonio, Texas 78227 ...

Please call them and schedule an appointment.  Ask the counselor to help you get an order of protection.  This will make him HAVE to leave the house. You will have peace and you will be able to do some healing for your poor soul.

Have the counselor take pictures of your bruises and she will have you write down a list of all times he has abused you.  If there have been times when he has abused or has threatened to abuse your children NOW IS THE TIME TO INCLUDE  that on your statement.  Because otherwise he will be allowed visitation by the judge.

Make sure you take all legal documents (titles whether in his name or yours, social security cards, insurance cards and papers) to the bank.  Rent a safety deposit box.  It worked great for me.  He didn‘t even know I had one. It‘s not that expensive and it leaves nothing to chance.

  You have got friends here dear.  Now, go get some allies and help for yourself there.

P.S.   Forget about what the neighbors think.  It is none of their business and if they truly think that way who needs em‘?  More than likely they just nod and smile to try and not get into an argument with your husband and they are wondering the same old cliche‘ "Why doesn‘t she leave him?"  They are too scared to intervene because they think you will tell your husband and he will be angry with them.

Dear Troubled10,

Just because He says "yada yada yada..you are ugly etc".  DOES NOT MAKE IT TRUE.

Your posts that resonate "he says" "he says" "he gets mad" "he doesn‘t like".  That is what I sounded like.  It was a counselor who pointed out to me that I was living my whole existance around him and trying to anticipate what he would think so that there would be peace in my house.

This is one of the steps to abuse.  He is breaking down your soul.  He does this to control you.  What really is the truth is that he is a very angry ugly man inside.  That is the truth. 

This is emotional abuse.  I was there for a very long time and just because he doesn‘t hit you physically doesn‘t mean it‘s not abuse.  I have been in a few physically abusive relationships.  I knew to leave right away. 

The abuse that I stayed for was the emotional abuse, because he wasn‘t hitting me so, could this be abuse?  I have been separated from my husband for almost a year now.  It has taken me up until a month ago where I still was breaking down and crying. The psychological effects are extremely damaging.  The longer you stay, the more damaged you get and the longer it will take you to heal.

Now I want you to know this.  He cannot have someone like that and...you were once someone like that.  Until he got ahold of you.  The reason that he can‘t is because he will destroy any woman he gets involved with. 

I was jealous for about a minute about my X moving in with his girlfriend.  Then I realized that in a few short months he would be treating her the same exact way he treated me.  She just doesn‘t know it yet.  Right now he is raining all of his presents and charisma and sex on her.  Later he will ignore her needs and if she complains he will threaten to leave her.  When she cries he will find this funny.  Then it will get to the point that he will be chasing her from room to room and calling her names.  He might hit her.  He couldn‘t do that with me.  When he hit me in the face with a piece of paper I returned it to him and yelled at him.  I told him that I would throw his ass in jail if he hit me.  He came at me with clenched fists many times.  I held my ground. I think he will hit with this one.  Just a feeliing.

Your STBX was very nice and sweet in the beginning wasn‘t he?  Almost OVERLY sweet?  He had to be to suck you in.

The only thing different from you and the  perfect married woman down the street is that she got lucky and didn‘t pick an abuser.  That is all sweetie.

No big mysteries, no inner desires to be abused or be a victim.  Abusers pick nice women.  They couldn‘t get by with picking someone mean...that is their job to be mean.  To find  someone who will forgive to often that they can break down.

Please get mean.  Turn that light switch in your mind in the right direction and take those steps to get out.  Don‘t let him break you down anymore. You can do this. 

G‘night Texas.  God bless you.

God Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.  (you cannot change your husband)

The courage to change the things you can (you can change yourself and situation)

and the wisdom to know the difference...

Miss L

Stash some money.  "Groceries."

You can file an order of protection and get him forcibly removed from the home.  If you have kids, the judge will give you the residence. 

There are women‘s shelters as well, and advocates who can help you get access to services.  You need a safety plan.  In order to be safe, you need to bring other people into the mix. 

I am sorry you lost your job over him.  But you are smart and can get another job.  You may also qualify for public assistance, and don‘t be too proud to apply for it if the situation calls for it.  You and your children need a leg up, and that is what those services are for.

Please continue posting and know that you are not alone.  A lot of women have gotten out successfully, and you can too.  It just takes planning.

If there are things you can pawn, throw out, or sell, do it.  Let him think you are just "cleaning house" and "organizing" because you put yourself in grave danger if he knows you are trying to leave him.  You will need a lot of cash.

You can get a post office box without him knowing, and have your mail forwarded to the PO box.  That way, you never have to worry about him withholding your mail, going through your mail, or stealing your mail.  This is critical for what comes later.

Use this time to do your homework.  You need to know what your rights are, and what services are available to you.  Leaving is the most dangerous time.  You need to prepare. 

You can consult an attorney privately, for a no-cost consultation to learn about the laws in your state, and what your rights are.  Knowledge is power. 

Know that many of us here have been in your shoes and know how scary and terrifying it is. 

You are not worthless, and you are not a loser or a piece of crap or any of the things he is telling you.  Remember that he is projecting his self hatred on you.  He‘s wrong, and deep down, he knows he‘s the loser.

Please continue posting.  We will be here for you.

For me, there‘d be no chance in hell that I‘d clean HIS room. 

I have to say, though, that you are doing really, really well dealing with him.  You‘re much stronger than you may think.  Keep up the good work.  Before you know it, you‘ll be all packed up and gone.

Dear Troubled10,

I believe I read that you are going into his room to use his PC? 

I am scared that he might look at your internet history and see that you have been on this site.  He will then know your plans.

He may also see that you have been looking for apartments. Do you know how to delete your history?  I wish you were out already.

MissL

No one, I don‘t think, could figure out why anyone acts or lives the way he does.  I read every word you post and I so empathise with you...minus the children since I don‘t have any, but boy oh boy was my ex pushing for it.  My ex would cry to me for money ALL the time.  He‘d say it was for whatever for the house.   When I‘d cough it up, knowing full well I shouldn‘t have, he‘d come home with new clothes for himself or a new electronic thingy for his computer, or whatever else he fancied.

We‘re here and we‘re listening.  Keep posting.  It‘s great therapy.   

My STBX was nasty dirty like that too.  It wasn‘t until after he moved out that my house finally started looking all around pretty.  Like I like to live.  My X didn‘t just keep to himself in a bedroom, he spread it throughout the house, wouldn‘t take off his shoes when he came in the house, although everyone else did.  Like he was better than the rest of us or something.

He also used to smoke in his apartment.  The walls and carpeting were so filthy, he didn‘t get his deposit back and they later billed us (he moved in with me) for the carpet replacement and paint.

Then when we first move in together he smoked in the house. He was so dirty that if he spilled an ashtray full of cigartette butts he wouldn‘t bother to pick it up or vacuum.  If he spilled coffee or dripped it he would leave it same with anything he spilled he left. I would be furious for having to come home and clean or worse yet finding a stain he had left there for the last two days while I was at work.

I don‘t miss any of that a bit.  I hope the new girlfriend gets to enjoy those little delightful things about him.

One of my girlfriends called me yesterday.  She saw my X with his new girlfriend at the midnight premier of Twilight.  I had to die laughing at that one.....I know he is now in Hell! LOL  I had also heard he had been going to hockey games...another form of hell for him...he hates sports! 

My girlfriend had to call and tell me..because she was dying of laughter.  She said the new girlfriend looks to be over 50....my husband is 37.  She said she had this old lady hair cut, curly and cut close to the face.   Lord, he will dip his wick for money!  LOL  dumb a$$.

Karma has found my husband and he‘s too dumb to know it.  Karma will find your  husband too.

One day..when you leave it will all be behind you.  I am doing well, and you will too.

You are beautiful, HE is a slothy toad.....but the kinda funny part? YOU will always be beautiful......HE will always be a toad, and soon, just the memory of a slothy toad. or maybe he‘ll get run over by a truck and then he‘d be a squishy slothy toad, or he could get eaten by a bear, and then he‘d be slothy bear poo toad......

Keep the faith my friend!! It does, get better, I promise

Dear Troubled10,

Please go and report the abuse to the rape and abuse crisis center.  I know that San Antonio is a bit away from Austin, but I am sure that Austin has a center.  They can give you the number.

Office:
(210)521-7273

24 hour hotline:
(210)349-7273

THE RAPE CRISIS CENTER
David Coy Building
7500 US Hwy 90 West
Building 2, Suite 201
San Antonio, Texas 78227

You need to have this documented whether the bruises are still there or not.   You also have your 13 year old son for a wittness.  

I went through the R & A center here.  They helped me get an order of protection.  He knows somewhere in his psychic that you are going to leave him.  He will make this nearly impossible for you.  I am betting that he will be awaiting your checks coming in as much as you are.

My suggestion is to go and report this to the Rape & Abuse center.  Ask them for help with the Order of Protection. 

You were talking about being affraid that he would try for custody of the kids. You bet he will, even though he does nothing with them.  My STBX has been doing the same thing.  He CAN‘T try for joint custody though because of the order of protection on his record.  So he tries with harrassment of wanting the kids for crazy amounts of time.

(At one point he stated he wanted them for 83 hours per week, plus every other weekend.  This would make it well over half the time...I guess I was to get them while they sleep.  His last request was for 8 days out of every 2 weeks and every other weekend.  The judge has finally figured out that my ex is crazy, and this is harrassment.  It‘s his slimy way of trying to get the kids for half time so he has to pay less child support.  It doesn‘t work that way anyway.  Plus the fact that he only paid me $850 in 10 months).

I am trying to help you.  You need to go through these steps. NEVER would I ever suggest to you that you leave your children with him.  That is ludicrous.  Just disregard anyone who would suggest that. You are right about that one.

When the kids and I were going through the same type of thing, it didn‘t take much to make him angry and to do something that would grant me an order.  All I had to do was wait and his evil self would come back.

And, like you I had enough.  It‘s time to be smart, cunning and know that you‘re give a damn for him is definitely busted.  He is busy hating and trying to figure out how to completely control you.  Go and die your hair girlfriend, put on makeup and where perfume.  This is not for him...this is for you.

You know pretty much where his line gets drawn.  I am not asking you to try to get hurt.  Just set him up. 

Dear Troubled10,

I am sorry if you misunderstood what I meant.  I did not mean that I thought you would leave your children with him.  I knew better than that from your writing.  I was just saying that I was as appalled as you were that anyone would suggest that.

I feel the burden weighing on you from your posts.  It emanates and feels dark and stagnate.  There are warning signs coming from your children.  It‘s the suicidal thoughts sweetie.  You have to know that what he says and doesn‘t say to them hurts them emotionally.  You must take your child‘s thoughts on suicide seriously.  I know you are waiting for after Christmas. 

My question is, do you really think you have the time?  I believe you need a shelter.  Even a shelter would be a happier place than where you are right now. 

 They have FREE counseling at the Rape & Abuse Crisis center.  It is there for you AND YOUR CHILDREN.  Please seek help now.  Call and make that appointment. This doesn‘t mean that you would have to go to the shelter, the counselor will just help you understand the abuse and how it is affecting you and your children.

She will help you to be strong, organized, and focused.  The games he is playing with you (such as calling you crazy and then later denying he said anything) is called gaslighting or another term is crazymaking.  I have been there.  It was really hard to decipher just what was going on in my marriage. 

Your husband talking to the neighbors and telling them you are "bad"  is alienation.  He is doing this so they won‘t be there to help you and so that you will be too ashamed to reach out.  That is his purpose.

You having to have everything spotless and perfect is a huge sign.  He has criticized you so much that you spend most of your time trying to be perfect.

I can see from afar, just by your writing how broken you are.  You can heal.  I feel like I can‘t get you and your children out of that situation fast enough.

Take care,

I am praying for you.  MissL

Dear Troubled10,

I am sooo glad that an angel was sent to you!  Hon, there is no way that you are bad in any shape way or form.

I have been out of my situation with my husband for almost a year.  I still have things he has said to me resonating in my head.  I have to make myself stop it. 

One good way that I just found is through yoga.  Just the breathing is good therapy.  This is what I do, just breathe in through your nose a huge deep breath and then out through your nose. Close your eyes or focus on something pretty.  Count while you inhale and exhale to try to make them match.  Then really fill up your lungs and your whole abdomen with as much air as you can hold.

Now, on the air out blow all the negative things he has said to you and hurt you with away.  You don‘t have to think about them anymore.  Think about your future after you relax more.

I hope this helps.  MissL

Hey there Troubled10,

It sounds as if he is trying to set you up.  My ex did the same thing.

  I want to warn you to take a step back into that surreal place that I know you know about.  After having been yelled at stormed at and demeaned you can figure out what their game plan is.  That is when the words just hit a glass barrier between you and him and they fall to the floor.  You can‘t even hear everything he is saying anymore. 

You cannot afford to lose your temper.  Even though he deserves it.  This will be his last resort.  If he can make YOU look like the abusive one, then he has the power again. 

My husband broke all of our dishes, kicked in our dish washer and called me every name in the book.  My then 4 year old son bawled at the table watching as his Daddy went beserk.  I told him that he needed to leave right away or I was calling the police.  After more screaming and kicking, he finally did.  He came home a few hours later with new dishes that we could not afford. 

I tried to talk to him and tell him that he had to knock this off.  That he needed to see a counselor.  He kept telling me that he "just didn‘t want to talk about it".  I had a comic book in my hand I smacked it down on the loveseat between us as I tried to tell him how much it hurt me when he called me names, crying to him to do something.

He did.

He took out his cell phone and he called the police.  He told them that I HIT HIM.

In that instant I wanted to really hit him.  It took all I had to walk away from him. I went back into the kitchen and finished making dinner.  The cops came and he had NO bruises or red marks.  I told them that he had been at this all day.  I also told them about him breaking all the dishes. etc.  They made HIM leave.  They were on to him.

Before this, I tried to leave when he was yelling at me.  With the kids in my arms he stood in the doorway and called the police and told them that I was kidnapping his children.

I just want you to be aware of his next tricks.  He is thinking them.  I want to think ahead for you.  I want you to think ahead.  Be prepared

I am with you, hon.  You will be out and be in a better place.  Just be careful.

MissL