WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / I am ok, not great, but ok.

Hi All,

Again a thank you for all your support and guidance.  Its been a rough road.  He came to get his belongings but I had placed every door that he destroyed (not punched but destroyed) in the hallway for the officer to see.  The officer got there without him and saw the destruction, insisted that my soon to be ex not see me, that he was undeserving and he handled it all with my mother. 

He has made some comments to people that I am the addict, that I have the issues and I am telling all lies.  Its evident enough with his past alone but it still does hurt.  It hurts to speak to his exwife and know that her relationship was the same and he is just a user, abuser, and controller but I am moving forward.  I have cleansed my house to the best of my ability and will stay in therapy for as long as it takes to know why I chose him.  That is my responsibility in all of this.

I know this will all take time but its quite an emotional roller coaster right now.  The good part is I found ME in all this, deep down inside and am getting there.  In time.

Again many thanks for all the support and I hope one day I can do the same for another.

Mel

Unsure, I am glad that the gathering of his belonging went well.  Good officer by the way.  I have been following your story, although I did not post because you have been getting great advice from the wonderful ladies here.  The most important thing is getting you back and I am happy that you are taking that path.  In time, you will get there.

Kudos to you, Unsure, for leaving this violent relationship and moving forward.  You may not feel better yet, and that may not happen for a long time, but you will get there - little by little - and one day you will look back on this, and you will ask yourself how you could have ever lived like this.

It takes a really long time to get over the fear, and to stop looking over your shoulder.  It takes a really long time to sleep normally, and be able to function.  Eat right, take your vitamins, and do whatever it takes to ensure your personal safety.  It takes a lot of courage to do what you are doing, and it is really, really important for you to take care of yourself.

Try not to listen to the drivel he is telling other people.  This is a common tactic of abusers.  Telling everyone you are psycho or crazy or a bad person is what he feels he needs to do in order to cover up for what a big asshole he is.  Abused men always like to make themselves out to be victims.  Nothing is ever their fault.   Remember that anyone who listens to him, or sides with him, doesn‘t know you very well.  It means they aren‘t your friends anyway!  Do your best to ignore it.  You don‘t need anything else to be upset about right now.

You‘re doing the right thing by seeing a therapist.  Just focus on taking care of yourself.  It will get better, I promise!

Dear Unsure76,

I am sooo glad to hear that all went well with getting him out of the house.

Remember, the crying is normal.  Sometimes I would just put myself to bed early with the kids at 8:30 pm when the stress got to be too much.  Extra sleep helps immensley. 

I also probably went a little bit overboard, but I invested in a home security system.  Pinnacle security to be exact.  They came by and asked if I would be willing to be a model home for the neighborhood.  I don‘t know if that is just a scam to get you to buy, but I was willing to get $800 worth of security alarms installed for free.

  I also went to Menards and found a security camera that is wireles, motion sensored and has night vision for has since been discontinued which is a shame because it was the only one that offered all of those features an for only $50. This is from the company First alert. It  It was so easy to install even a caveman could do it.  I did find another one on ebay for $50.

Feeling safe is going to be paramount to your healing. It was to mine.

The most healing thing I did was paint every wall in the house just about!  I have a 5 bedroom house. It‘s a mind numbing task that helped get anything about him out of my house.  I bought new bedroom linens, bedspread and pillows in a very girlie style.  I basically just worked my tail off in this house for the last 10 months. 

Now, I feel like it‘s mine and I feel in control.  He would have had a fit about me painting, saying it was unneccessary and that it was a waste of money. He grew up in trailer homes and rental houses.  He never believed in home improvement and it was exhausting to try and do it all myself while he was here.  He would DEMAND  that his dinner be ready on time. 

Sigh....I am soo glad he is gone.  You will get there too.

More power to you!  You handled yourself with grace and style.  Kudos!  I say feeling ok is just fine.  It‘s normal.  Who in their right mind could feel great at a moment like that?  No one.  You are doing fabulously.    Much, much continued success to you.  As the time passes, you‘ll realize just what a mountain you‘ve just moved.

I so agree with Learning!  She is right! 

Who can feel "great" after leaving an abusive relationship?  You‘ve been through trauma and distress of the worst kind.  That takes a long time to come down from.  It is not an overnight process.

I am always appalled at how people expect DV victims to just "bounce back" and be "all happy" like everything is just "solved" when women leave.  You‘re supposed to just "be over it."  Leaving is a process - not an event. 

I can promise you, though, that years down the road, you are going to see your life change and improve in a very big way.  And that you will appreciate peace of mind and happiness so much more, because you know firsthand what it‘s like to live life without it.  You will appreciate good people, good friends, and all the blessings in your life.

So if you are "just okay" right now that is fine.  Give yourself permission to feel your feelings - whatever they are - and know that it‘s also normal to go through stages of grieving and loss - anger and rage - fear and longing - wanting to kill him -etc., etc., etc.  You are entitled to be human, and you will actually get better faster if you allow yourself to experience all of those emotions.  I thought I would be enraged forever, but little by little, as I processed and expressed it, it gradually went away.

Remember that not all men are like this.  And for every crazy, abusive, and mean person you meet in this world, there is a kind, loving, and benevolent person who just wants to help and be your friend. 

Bless you, Unsure, and be proud of your courage.