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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/14/2009 10:29 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 17
Westminster
Colorado
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Hi,
I thought I was moving into a new home next week. I found out my husband didn‘t have our financing in order. We had a previous house and everything was fine getting that, so I just let him take care of this one. I have been trying to find someone to finance us. I found out he has credit cards with nonpayment and no one wants to give a loan. My husband says, he has no idea what a couple of the cards are and is paying some online lawyer to look into it. I am just devastated. I don‘t know what to believe. I feel like my whole world has changed in a matter of days. I am planning to go over the credit report with him today and call them together. I guess I am having a hard time giving up living in a home. I know we will have lying issues to deal with and that has been a big shocker. One of the cards he says are moving charges, like $9,000 that the company wouldn‘t pay because he went to work somewhere else, which makes sense, but he never told me about it.
I‘m going to try to get some of the money we have, in savings and start my own account. Just to have an apartment. Just am in shock.
Thanks
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/15/2009 9:50 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| pmr wrote: | Hi,
I thought I was moving into a new home next week. I found out my husband didn‘t have our financing in order. We had a previous house and everything was fine getting that, so I just let him take care of this one. I have been trying to find someone to finance us. I found out he has credit cards with nonpayment and no one wants to give a loan. My husband says, he has no idea what a couple of the cards are and is paying some online lawyer to look into it. I am just devastated. I don‘t know what to believe. I feel like my whole world has changed in a matter of days. I am planning to go over the credit report with him today and call them together. I guess I am having a hard time giving up living in a home. I know we will have lying issues to deal with and that has been a big shocker. One of the cards he says are moving charges, like $9,000 that the company wouldn‘t pay because he went to work somewhere else, which makes sense, but he never told me about it.
I‘m going to try to get some of the money we have, in savings and start my own account. Just to have an apartment. Just am in shock.
Thanks
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Anyone would be in shock about something like that...
What I‘m confused about..... Of course he knew he had outstanding credit cards (unless it was identity theft...but he wouldve still found out about it...unless it was recent)...It is in no way true that this is new to him...When you have non-payments they will call you and email you non stop to get whatever they can out of you...I just find it very hard to believe he wasn‘t aware. If I were you I‘d want to see those credit card statements to see what was charged and when. I think that will tell you what you need to know about his spending and if it‘s a blatant lie to pull the wool over your eyes...or an honest mistake.
As far as the 9000 goes...I would be upset he didn‘t tell me about it...Marriage is a partnership and since you were going to be directly affected by the debt you had a right to know about it...You could have made a plan together to pay it off...
The whole thing sounds fishy. I think you need to look into details of the spending and find out what really happened...and go from there.
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| CaliforniaGirl |
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Posted: 11/15/2009 11:26 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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I agree with Kitty. I also must question this on-line attorney. There are no on-line legitimate attorneys.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/15/2009 1:01 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
Female Member
Age: 50
Total Posts: 17
Westminster
Colorado
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Thank you both for your reply‘s. You are making me really trust my gut feelings. I know these are very secretive things to do in a marriage. I have been told his reason for not telling me were because he didn‘t want to hear the crabbing about not having money to pay on this stuff. Of course, he has made it 20 times worse. I don‘t consider myself a nag, but when things don‘t get done, financially or otherwise, I tend to take care of it. He says there are only about 4 cards that had to do with our move and consilidating to get my name off of cards. Regardless, not paying is too immature. He says he just got behind the last few months. That‘s exactly what the mortgage loan people look at. Even as upset as I am at not having a home, I am guessing it is safer. Do you know if I am responsible for the credit cards because we are married? I plan to have a free consultation with a lawyer to find out what I can. Thanks for helping me to play hardball. I really need to stay strong, but I feel so weak!
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/16/2009 3:23 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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| pmr wrote: | | Thank you both for your reply‘s. You are making me really trust my gut feelings. I know these are very secretive things to do in a marriage. I have been told his reason for not telling me were because he didn‘t want to hear the crabbing about not having money to pay on this stuff. Of course, he has made it 20 times worse. I don‘t consider myself a nag, but when things don‘t get done, financially or otherwise, I tend to take care of it. He says there are only about 4 cards that had to do with our move and consilidating to get my name off of cards. Regardless, not paying is too immature. He says he just got behind the last few months. That‘s exactly what the mortgage loan people look at. Even as upset as I am at not having a home, I am guessing it is safer. Do you know if I am responsible for the credit cards because we are married? I plan to have a free consultation with a lawyer to find out what I can. Thanks for helping me to play hardball. I really need to stay strong, but I feel so weak! |
Yes you are responsable for the credit cards...Just as much as he is.
Get that attorney asap. Because you are responsable also you have a right to see all the records for what was charged and when.
Do your research...find out exactly what‘s going on. YOU ARE NOT A NAG. You have a right to know all details...and shouldve known while they were happening...Not just deal with the results of them.
And cali girl has a good point...On-line attorney? That sounds like a easy way to hide more stuff from you...
Get a real one for yourself. And update us...
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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/22/2009 9:28 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Westminster
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Hi,
Thanks again for another response. I made him cancel the online credit people. He has called all the cards and asked for statements. I told him we could go nowhere without them.
He says one is a card we combined some other cards and I asked him to put them in his name years ago. Probably true. I was tired of the miscommunication and probably late payments then. Another, he said was from movers we had for a job that he didn‘t take when we got here. It was a $10,000 move and he didn‘t want to tell me they weren‘t paying so that is on a credit card. There are two more that are being paid on by previous employers who agreed to pay these, but they have paid them late frequently. He talked to them to have the deposit dates moved. I asked him to do that months ago.
The worst one is mine, which I did check and was charges made years ago and was about $3,000, including son‘s tuition and books. That would never have been something I wouldn‘t have paid back and more than the monthly minimum. So I‘m still dealing with them every day to try to settle.
We are going to talk to a credit counselor tomorrow and come up with the best plan. Fortunately some of the credit card companies have taken all the late charges and fees off and given us 0 to 2% interest.
We are scheduled to go to individual counseling. I just can‘t tell you how hard it is for me to face a new day. I don‘t want to. I cry all the time and my bags under my eyes are so puffy and down to my chin I can hardly go anywhere. I just go in and out as fast as I can cause I cry when I see houses we looked at, etc.
My husband says we‘ll work this out, but I don‘t know how or if I can. He said he was sorry, but there is no emotion. He says he doesn‘t know what to say, but I can‘t believe if you feel something you can help but say something.
I have always had a job at the schools, but I‘m not a teacher. I am afraid of trying to live on that salary. I know he will help me or be forced to with the courts, maybe. I just am not dealing with starting over at 50.
My family is still leaning towards seeing it out with him. They can‘t believe he would do this purposely. He may not have but it‘s ruined my credit and my life.
Please keep me in your prayers. I have no support in this new city we moved to except my daughter and I hate putting her in the middle of this.
I asked the collection‘s to call back in half and hour, so pray they‘ll take my offer. It is very depressing to talk to them every day, but I‘m not going to give them any more than I can right now.
THANK YOU for you advice.
If you are interested, I found this article that describes my husband and my relationship for the last 12 years:
http://divorcesupport.about.com/od/abusiverelationships/a/Pass_Agg.htm
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/22/2009 9:27 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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So in your mind do you consider it deliberate or more of an accident that built up over time? What you think matters. It is the important thing.
What‘s most important is how this has made you feel and what actions to take that suit you best.
It‘s hard to give advice in a circumstance that many women would handle differently. PMR, you have to row your own boat.
I read the article you posted. That is abuse. Is this maybe the straw the broke the camel‘s back?
Don‘t worry about moving on...even at 50. Think about it. You are at an age that you now know how things work...and yes money may be a problem but you are a smart woman, perfectly capable of taking care of yourself. Don‘t sell yourself short. You are relying on a man to take care of you, WHO IS NOT TAKING CARE OF YOU. Instead he is digging you into a deep hole.
There are so many things to consider in the relationship...but bottom line-If you really associate this article with him, and these "financial infedelities" are occuring...it‘s more of a question as to why you are staying...then why you would leave.
You are in my thoughts.
KK
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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/24/2009 7:35 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Hey Kitty and everyone,
I wanted to let you know we did go to the woman who went over the credit report. I had stayed on my husband to call each creditor and stayed up nights researching different ways to approach the c.c. companies. My husband found this worked, with no 800# companies help!
So while telling her the things that would be coming off our credit report soon, she kept looking at my husband and saying "good job, great job on that, etc." He just sucked it all up and I sat there with my mouth hanging open. When we left, I asked him if it occurred to him that I was the one who did all the work and researched all this. He said he wasn‘t even listening to what she was saying, just trying to understand what we were going to do with all the accounts. That is such a little thing in comparison to getting this credit under control, but I was so offended. Business people tend to always speak with my husband as if I‘m just some stupid woman.
Anyway, he said he will keep on the ones he thinks he can get more done with. We are still waiting on the statements so I can be sure nothing was charged in recent years. It appears these were credits combined to a few cards and he wasn‘t getting them paid on time. He swares he was having money deducted from his check, which I will check on. He says he doesn‘t even know where the c.c. are. We have been living with our stuff in storage for two years and that is true. I don‘t use any of ours and she said it would be good to reactivate some and put small amounts on like gas and pay them each month.
Thank the Lord, I finally settled with the collection agency! They took about half of what they were asking. I found out it had not been reported on my credit yet, but I‘m not sure if all the late payments will still stay on.
So, I do believe he did not do this purposely, and hasn‘t gone out on a shopping spree. He is such a simple man, he asks for nothing and is home every night. I will be satisfied when I see the statements.
He just can‘t be trusted to deal with these finances and his issue is he has to learn how to talk to me and not be afraid of my reaction with stuff like this. Bad news has to be dealt with. He thinks he‘s going to take care of it and doesn‘t want to hear me talk about the money. He takes it personally, like I‘m saying he‘s not making enough money, not a good provider. I would never say that, or think it. Lying to cover up his being "overwhelmed" with keeping up with this is now the problem. He is way too busy at his job to do this and I can easily do it. I will be now. I will be getting the statements and we will have to check our credit more often.
It has cost me the house I searched for the last six months. That was another nightmare dealing with realtors and houses in a town you don‘t really know. We would have got that tax credit for owning a house for the last 5 years, but can‘t now.
So, he didn‘t do anything on purpose, but I don‘t see him changing a whole lot. We are going to see a marriage counselor. I am so disgusted at this point and don‘t feel a lot of love is left. I can forgive him, it was a stupid way to handle stuff. I don‘t think our marriage was a real vibrant one but it just isn‘t that way with him. I think we can work on this communication thing, but i‘m not expecting a huge change for us.
I‘m just going to continue repairing what we can financially, and see if the counseling helps and at least be better prepared to deal with a job, or school (a teacher at 53?!)a little later on.
Thanks again for being out there for me! It really helps when I feel so alone.
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/26/2009 10:16 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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That sounds like a mix of good news and bad.
I am really happy you are able to settle with some of the credit...and I‘m glad the charges weren‘t frivilous...However it sounds like you still feel lied to. Which is a problem. If you still feel the need to follow up on statements etc...trust has been lost.
Marriage couseling is a very smart move for you. Is your heart into saving your marriage? By not vibrant do you mean it‘s lost spark?
Do you still love him?
Maybe you should think about going to a session together and separate. Maybe get your true thoughts and feelings about what just happened and your overall marriage before you go with him. It may help make the couples session easier for you...you will know how to express what is really the problems you‘re having. Just a thought.
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/26/2009 10:21 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Sidenote:
Teacher at 53?
What the hell is wrong with that?!!!!
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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/26/2009 11:54 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Hey Kitty,
I had an individual session with the counselor and so did my husband. She wants another individual one each before we attempt it together. That‘s good, cause I am not ready for that yet.
I told her I need help to deal with the lying. I just can‘t get past it. I am a pretty forgiving person, but I am not a trusting person and this is not going to help.
I am still waiting on the statements just to be sure. He has done what he could to clear this up, but why would he have just shoved it all under a rug. This not the way to do things.
I have no feelings really anymore, but anger and hurt. When I say there wasn‘t any big spark in the marriage, I mean he‘s just not an affectionate person, going along with non-communicative. So I‘m used to feeling very alone.
I don‘t know if what I have towards my husband is love. We don‘t fight or anything normally, just kind of live together. He is companionship in some ways and a nice guy, just not overly confident or expressive.
I‘m sure the counselor will be dealing with these issues. I really have no idea what I will do. I don‘t really have a lot of good emotions right now and no motivation to take on a new life. I am dreading the holidays.
I figured I‘d be able to make life changing decisions after Christmas, looking for a job or going to school. I can‘t even go anywhere without crying. I don‘t think I‘d be good for interviews right now.
Thanks for your concern.
Have a good Thanksgiving!
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/29/2009 9:35 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Hm. I‘m really glad you‘re doing your counseling. Have you 2 talked over what went on in your sessions? Has he told you why he swept it under the rug?
I hear you on the trust issues...I‘ve always had them and I had a situation a year ago I thought I‘d never get through. But I did and you can too. It‘s a matter of wanting to stay.
Do you remember what things were like when you got married and why you chose to marry him? Maybe that‘s something to think about, and let him know what‘s changed for you.
The bottom line is (all financial and age issues aside) Do you want to stay and make it work or are you done?
Whatever you feel/think is valid. Period.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 11/29/2009 2:02 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Hi Kitty,
Thanks again for being concerned.
We have each had only one individual counseling session and will have one more each before we go together. I think two sessions each is good, for the therapist to get a good idea where we‘re at individually. Thank God the insurance pays for this.
So, we haven‘t talked in counseling about why he did what he did, but he has told me it‘s because he didn‘t want to "hear it from me, or deal with me". He avoids anything he doesn‘t like to deal with. Confrontation isn‘t my favorite thing either, neither of us are big "fighters", but hey, he WILL have to deal with me and life‘s situations. I really would have understood we had to take on another bill (moving) or whatever.
So, I am still waiting on the mail, which is slow because of the holiday. I want to see the c.c. statements. He said they are coming and doesn‘t seem to be hiding anything. I asked for statements on the one card in my name and they haven‘t arrived yet either, so it‘s probably just slow mail.
Once I can see those charges and verify it was just our "old" stuff that I somehow just thought we paid, or see whatever else it is. My husband did talk to the c.c. companies and the agreements they said they were sending in writing sounded very reasonable. We should be able to get on financially. We won‘t be getting a house for a while, and I have no motivation to even look or consider it now.
Whether I can deal with the lying/trust issue I don‘t really know. My loss of respect will be hard to keep to myself. My hurt feels like it will always be there. I‘m not a quitter and want to at least give him the opportunity to explain himself with a professional there.
I think the main issue is that he has to work on things and will/can he change? I find it hard to believe that I won‘t be going through something similar to this down the road. Not that he won‘t try, but the fear of having it happen again, is a real fear.
Thanks again for really listening and understanding where I‘m coming from and taking it to heart. You have been a real blessing to me!
Patty
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 11/29/2009 9:20 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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It sounds like you have a good head on your shoulders...You need to do what‘s right for you.
Again I think the counseling is great for both of you. And I wish you luck...and happiness. It‘s hard when you put all your stock in someone and they let you down. Trust is a weird thing...It‘s hard to earn, hard to keep, and very easy to lose.
Keep me updated on how the meetings go. I think you‘ll learn alot when you go with him and see why he doesn‘t want to "deal with you" Sounds like a cop out...It‘s called taking responsability for your actions/decisions. Make it clear to him that these are decisions that should be made by both of you not him alone. It‘s like eating the cookie before dinner and saying you didn‘t with chocolate on your mouth...Not wanting to deal with the consequences.
Holding back information from your spouse is the same thing as lying.
Him not wanting to discuss problems can just make them worse...and to lose your trust over it...was a big loss to him. Not worth it in the long run. I think he needs to know the damage it has caused you.
I hope you‘re doing alright. Keep me updated.
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| pmr |
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Posted: 12/3/2009 12:18 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Westminster
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Hi Kitty, (anyone else following my story)
I went to the counselor again. My husband couldn‘t make his appointment because he was out of town.
She pretty much realized the problem was not mainly about the finances, but our poor communication. She tried to get me to think of what happened about half way into our marriage, when I thought things started to go downhill. I can think of nothing significant, just a downward spiral.
So she said it would be a while before we were ready for marriage counseling. She said we both have significant communication issues. That‘s fine and probably better than us not being ready to work together productively.
My husband has always had high pressure jobs. He won‘t listen when I tell him to take something less stressful and not worry about the pay cut. So the other day he did something after he forgot to do something at work and got a negative email about it. He started looking for another job. He really needs to. His job is really two jobs, working and managing. He just can‘t keep up with it. It‘s really hard for him to admit this.
Of course changing jobs is not going to be a plus on our records for credit, but that is a small price to pay if he will be less stressed out.
I am still pretty depressed. I work every day on the credit issues. I will have to find a way to get my scores up. I‘m still waiting on the final settlements from the two major credit card agencies so we can pay them off and get it off our credit. I still haven‘t seen the statements.
Trust. Something I sure took for granted. I had a real hard time at the beginning of our dating with it, and that‘s why it took us two years before marrying. Guess I never saw this coming. Still can‘t understand someone going to such lengths to avoid a spouse.
I was a bit discouraged by the counselor saying we had major issues and one or the other of us may not wish to continue and we may never make it to the counseling together. I realize that is a possibility but it just didn‘t sound that hopeful. I know we have a long haul.
I don‘t know that I‘ll ever trust or forgive fully. I can‘t play games and pretend anymore. I would hate to see it all count for naught. I believe we‘ll try, but am very unsure whether it will really work. I told her I don‘t expect my husband to change a lot. I think his personality is pretty set. At least he says he‘ll try and I will, but I‘m still concerned that it may end.
Well, thanks again for being out there and keeping in touch! Please let me know if there is anything you need to talk about. Sounds like you‘ve been through a rough patch already. It‘s very nice that you‘re out there giving sound advice and encouragement.
Thanks,
Patty
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| Kitty Kitty |
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Posted: 12/6/2009 6:06 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver MoFo
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Well, again it‘s up to you wether or not you want to work this out...what I can tell you is people who aren‘t 100% commited to working it out fail.
Regardless i think it may be time to think about/create a plan B for yourself...in case you do find you need to move on...Maybe think about what you‘ll need to move on...and go ahead and set yourself up for that (job, money, etc) That way if you decide to stay...you‘re staying because you want to...not because you have to...and if you leave you aren‘t at square one...and have what you need to start over...
Keep me updated.
Ps- I have been through a few rough patches...but what doesn‘t kill us makes us stronger...
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| IbelieveYou |
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Posted: 12/9/2009 1:57 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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New WomanSaver
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so sorry :-( he‘s a JACKASS.........sending you a hug
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| pmr |
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Posted: 12/12/2009 9:35 AM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Westminster
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Hi,
I locked myself out of my car just before my last counseling appointment, so missed it, but my husband went to his. He said it went real well. That‘s all.
Our communication is the same, just keeping things at an even keel. He seems perfectly fine saying nothing all evening, while it irritates me. I‘m just trying to see if the counseling will help.
He has been on the phone with the creditor who say they‘ll get this late stuff off our credit reports. We have paid all but one credit card off from the sale of our other house. I am still waiting on statements from the companies to be sure it was just "our stuff" on there.
A couple weeks ago I had a horrible cramp in my calf and walked around for two weeks trying to stretch it out. I finally got tired of it hurting and had an ultrasound. I have a huge clot that runs from the main vein behind my knee down each side of the calf.
I am now giving myself shots, or I would have had to get intravenous in the hospital. It is awful giving yourself shots! I will be taking coumedin for now also to thin the blood. So hoping nothing breaks away to cause more problems.
As usual, I know my husband was concerned, but he just doesn‘t voice it in anyway that says he cares. Why is that so hard?
I am keeping money in an account with my name on it so I can handle the finances. I have applied for several jobs, but not a lot of hiring going on this time of year. I‘m hoping to feel better about getting out there after the holidays.
I just can‘t see moving on when my husband is willing to go through this counseling. I‘m also not sure how it will help our many problems, but as you say Kitty, hope for the best, prepare for the worst.
I‘ll keep in touch,
Thanks for being out there!
Patty
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| pmr |
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Posted: 1/22/2010 7:46 PM |
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Subject: husband lied about finances |
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WomanSaver Lurker
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Age: 50
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Westminster
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I found out Monday my husband has been seeing someone. Could have been years of her or other women. I feel so stupid. It‘s my first Friday alone in 14 years and I don‘t know what to do with this pain.
I tried to get his cell phone from him and he wrestled me down for it and slammed me in the door as I was trying to escape. I got arrested for domestic violence because they saw a hand print on him.
Never been this low.
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