WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / I just need to know that this is wrong please.

Ok he has hit me, pushed me , made me leave home because I am scared of him, stalked me , my friends call him "Hannibal Lector" , makes me work huge number of hours so I can make ends meet for us, he doesn‘t put much into the running costs of home . He smashes things, he has frightened the daylight out of me, he stops me meeting my friends . He moniters my calls - to a degree that I put my phone on silence when he is around. He tries to stop me seeing my family .He throws tantrums over little things ( like me running a bath at night )  When he stays away I am not allowed to go out for the evening with friends. He has threatened me with a knife and stabbed the area around me , apparently he wasn‘t really aiming for me . He clocks the mileage on my car. Wants to know every password, who anybody is that has dared to make eye contact with me .

He says violence is normal in a relationship , and I should pay 90% of the bills and I wind him up , thats why he gets angry .

This behaviour isn‘t normal is it ?

I have been with this man for 20 years and its getting worse . Why am I finding it hard to finish this, luckily no kids involved .

i really dont know who is at fault for what. all i can do is read what your post said. it said:

...he has hit you

...he has scared you

...he doesnt let you get with friends when he is gone

...he has stalked you

...has you work long hours

...throws tantrums

...threatened you with a knife

...monitors your calls

it doesnt matter whose fault it is....nobody should be treated that way. you said that you have been with him 20 years....is this how you want to spend the next twenty?

personally....i would be out of there!

Dear Angius,

In no way is this your fault.  Abuse is a process of erosion.  If he had stabbed you with a knife withing the first two weeks you dated him...you would have been gone.

Abuse cannot just start.  He has to lie to you, convince you to stay while he abuses you.  He has to convince you that it is normal.  It is not.

In this forum in the abuse section you will find a thread called "The Process Of Domestic Vilolence"  by Kaylar.  I reread that so many times I printed it out.  I also went to a counselor who specailizes in abuse.

   I stayed on these forums and while my husband never hit me, he verbally and emotionally destroyed me.  It was at first hard to realize that this was abuse because he never hit me. He had come at me like he was going to in the beginning of our relatonship, with fists clenched.  I was pregnant.  I told him that if he ever hit me it was over between us.  So that is where he drew the line.  He just found every other mean nasty thing he could do.

Now, yes I booted my husband out on an order of protection. It was easy, on a weekly basis he would be chasing me around the house and yelling at me until I would pack up me and the kids up and leave.  Later he would stand in my way and tell me that I didn‘t need to pack up the kids since it was my problem that I wanted to leave.  He knew that leaving the kids with him killed me inside.  He would treat them nice (for that time being) and call me names in front of them. One day I just decided not to leave.  Instead I called the police.  He glared at me in anger telling me that "this was it."  "I had done it"  "saying he was filing for divorce".  I stared at him blankly.  I wanted a divorce this was not a problem.  He had threatened it many times before.  And..before it would hurt me.  Now it seemed like this was the answer.  The problem was that this had just been a threat for him to use on me for years.  He couldn‘t seem to make it hurt enough.  So....for the following week our home was in complete turmoil.  When he wasn‘t ignoring everyone, he was screaming yelling, and name calling. 

There was no rest period from the anger that came from him.  Since he could no longer hurt me with the threat of divorce, he then started in on how he was going to take everything from me...the house, my business. Leaving me and the kids homeless.  Then came the day where he took it too far and he threatened to beat the hell out of my son "if I didn‘t shut him up".  My son had in a very calm but serious voice told him he was tired of  him calling me a bitch.

This was the threat that got me an order of protection and the tyrant out of our home.

So, do you think these things are wrong?  Yes?  Well how about you? 

These things you are listing are wrong.  Get him out of your home or move yourself.

Being alone was hard at first. Now I am grateful for my sanity.

It‘s not uncommon to hear "Why do women stay in abusive relationships?" or "Why don‘t they leave?" These types of questions, although common, have a tendency—whether unintentional or not—to blame victims and to suggest they enjoy or thrive on being abused. If they didn‘t enjoy being ill-treated, they would leave, right? Obviously, if they choose to stay, they must have low self-esteem, right?

No. These attitudes are common myths about victims of domestic violence. The fact is that reasons for staying are far more complex than a blanket statement about a victim‘s character or strength of will.

In some cases, women may seem to "want" to be beaten. For those who come from dysfunctional families—families in which they were routinely beaten and emotionally abused as children—they know no other patterns of behavior and have learned to expect frequent incidents of violence. For such women, the anxiety of waiting for the next outburst of violence is often more stressful and agonizing than the violence itself. They hate not knowing when they will next be hit, kicked, punched, burned, bitten, or stabbed, and they would rather "get it over with" than not know when they will next be abused.

Abused women experience isolation, shame, embarrassment, and humiliation. Women may not immediately leave an abusive relationship because:

• They fear their abusers will become more violent
• Friends and family may not support their decision to leave.
• They fear being a single parent with little money.
• They may be unaware of sources of advocacy and support.
• They may be unaware of shelters and other resources that offer safety and support.

Although leaving an abusive relationship is a positive step—both for you and for your children—it is nevertheless a difficult one. It should not be a decision you make alone: you will need the support of people trained in helping victims of domestic violence. When involved with an abusive partner, your legal rights and personal safety are more difficult to secure.

What you can do - You can find help for yourself and your children at a battered women‘s shelter or through a crisis intervention program especially designed to meet your needs. An attorney can guide you through the legal aspects of separation, and, if you file a complaint against your abusive partner, the police are needed in order to press criminal charges. Filing a complaint has been shown to reduce the incidence of violence after a woman chooses to leave an abusive relationship. It‘s important to seek out all the resources and to accept all the help you can.

Angius - No, this behavior isn‘t normal.  You do not deserve to be treated like this.  I am sorry this is happening to you, and I sincerely hope that you will seek help.

Please contact a local women‘s shelter network.  There is also a National Domestic Violence Hotline.  I also recommend finding a family law attorney who specializes in domestic violence.  Many will offer a free consultation. 

Please continue posting, and let us know how we can help you.

And I agree 100% with kath_m. 

And would add one thing.

Often women stay because it actually feels like the safest thing to do.

It‘s because leaving is the most dangerous time.  That is the time when a woman is most likely to be murdered.  Stalking is common.  If she stays, she knows where he is - crazy as that sounds.

If you leave, you have to be prepared for the reality.  We can help you with that!  This is where a "safety plan" comes in. 

Do not be hard on yourself.  You don‘t deserve this, and it is not your fault. 

Some battered women get into these relationships because of low self esteem, but not all.  Not all battered women have been raised in an atmosphere of violence.  In fact, many had excellent self esteem before they hooked up with their partners.

Sometimes battered men pick the confident woman so that they can enjoy the challenge of chipping away at her self esteem and breaking her down.  Domestic violence rarely begins with hitting.

Welcome to WomanSavers!