WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / I filed charges against him ....need some guidance

Ladies,

First thank you for all of your words of wisdom and strength and the push that you gave me with your posts.  Every little bit has helped me to make the decisions I made but I just need a little more hand holding right now.

Thursday, after telling him I wanted him to leave he pulled out a shotgun and said "just remember I have this" terrified but with my mother in the house, I sat up all night trying to plan my next move that would not set him off. 

Friday I got into work and was a wreck, a colleague saw me and shut my office door and begged me to talk, she new a cop in my local precinct.  I went home early to take care of my dog with intentions on going to the precint right after.  Turned out he was home.  As I left the house he said "I am going to either kill you or ruine you" laughed and walked away.

I went directly to the precinct.  Series of events to follow were not easy it was very empotional but they put a warrant out for his arrest came back to my home with me to find him or help me pack a bag and found the shotgun and other weapons I didnt know about.

He turned himself in on Sunday after being tipped off by the receipt from the confiscated weapons from the precinct in the house.  Friday night before leaving he wiped my house out, all electronics GONE.  All of it.

I went to criminal court Saturday and after grueling hours they gave me a stay away order of protection.

He has 1 time to come back for personal belongings escorted by a cop.

I have changed my locks, activated my alarm, checked all windows, advised my security team at work (ex NYPD) with a copy of the order.  Now I am waiting for him to come.

What do I do when they come?  Do I not stay in the room or does that make me look like I am not strong?  Do I let my mother deal with the cops and him?  Do I stand up to him?  Speak to him at all?  Does he have the right to talk to me with the cop there?

I am nervous wreck, lost a lot of weight, can‘t keep food down, can‘t sleep and just dont know how to move forward. 

I am so at a loss right now, feeling ridiculously delirious and unsafe.  I cant stop crying and really could use some guidance.

Dear Unsure,

Not one of us here has to tell you that you did the right thing.  I empathize and understand the constant crying.  It is NORMAL for what you have been through.  It is not going to stop any time soon either.  You are not weak because of it.  You have been threatened, battered and treated badly.  Please give  yourself some compassion and understanding. It is okay for you to cry.  Six months from now you may still find yourself breaking down. There is a healing process to this that will take time.

Now for the walk through for his personal belongings.  I have been there and done that too.  In fact I now have to go through it again.  I put all of his things in a storage garage, and he claims he didn‘t get everything and is demanding a walk through.

Here is what you do:

Make sure that the police are there for the walk through.  You must be as well.  If you are not, he will try and take something that he knows will mean alot to you emotionally.

Yes, have your mother there for emotional support as well as any friends.  I would also suggest asking that security guard that is at your work if he could possibly come and bring 3 of his biggest meanest friends.  They don‘t need to do anything, just sit at the table with you and play cards is fine and glare at him intimidatingly.

He will not know who they are, and he musn‘t ever find out.  This is to throw him off his guard.  He will be less likely to try anything on you if he suspects you may have a boyfriend who could kick his ass. I don‘t care if you have to hire someone to sit there...do it.  It will make you feel empowered and like I say it will make him think twice about trying to "get even" with you.

Do not say a word directly to him.  If he tries to take something that is not his, simply inform the police officer that it is yours. Please inform the police officer of your intentions in advance.

  It will be alright. This will be over and you will look back on this as a day that you were a very strong woman. 

ML

First and foremost, you remain calm and level-headed no matter what.  

 I think I‘d walk around with them to do the walk-through.  Keep yourself last in line, a safe distance, maybe two officers between you and he.  I don‘t think I‘d let him out of my sight (not MY ex anyway).  He may take something of yours that means the world to you..... and then try to use it as a bargaining chip later on to try and see you, or keep it forever just ‘cause he knows you want it (that‘s what my ex did).

You deal with everyone.   You show your strength.  For however long this visit takes, you keep your eyes dry, your voice down and your head up.  You can fall a part all you want afterwards.  If you want your mom there for emotional support, fine, but you, yourself, handle the situation.  I agree with Ms. L, too, that a couple strange, beefy guys hanging about couldn‘t hurt.

Do not speak to him at all, not one word.  Speak with the police officers only.   The police can‘t stop him from speaking.  If he tries to talk to you, direct your response, if you have one, to the police.  If he starts calling you names, etc., just ignore it.    

Do all of that and it should go pretty smoothly.

You definitely did the smart thing here.  You‘re going to be fine.  Best of luck to you and please let us know how it goes.

ETA:  Have you told the police that he wiped out your house?

Congratulations, Unsure, for making a very tough choice and following through!  There is no question that you made the right decision, and while you are frightened, shaky, and traumatized, you have shown a lot of strength and courage.

I don‘t know what the laws are in your state, but chances are, if the cops are there, there will be more than one.  One for you and one for him.

Remove any valuables of your own that you don‘t want to come up missing.  Include photos and jewelry.  Sometimes these guys will take those things just because they know it has value to you personally (another form of abuse).  Anything they can do to twist the knife...

The walk-through usually only allows about 20 minutes.  The cops won‘t allow him to go through every little thing.

I would have his stuff in boxes sitting in the livingroom waiting for him.  You can even include an inventory list of what‘s there.

Kudos to you!  You have been so brave!