I did some healing

To BLOCK viewing a member's posts, click here.
You must be logged into the site for the BLOCK feature to function!

Message Board Rules

PAGE: 1

AUTHOR

MESSAGE

nowthatiseethetruth

Posted: 11/4/2009 8:13 AM

Subject: I did some healing

WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31

Total Posts: 58
detroit
Michigan
United States
offline
Invite To Chat Room

Send Note

Hi guys,

I finally did some more healing this week.

It was on All Souls‘ Day, we went to the church where my grandpa‘s funeral service was at. I cried. I cried and I didn‘t feel bad, my thoughts were all scattered. I cried because now, there wasn‘t anyone here (EX) to tell me that I was crying only to get sympathy, or to make fun of me for crying about his passing. It felt good to let it all out.

When I got home, a close cousin of mine came over to my place after church, also. We got to talk about a lot of different stuff we usually don‘t because of other people being around. I was in such a vulnerable state, that I finally started talking about the EX. I had refused up until this point. I told her about more of the stuff he did to me or the kids. She was shocked appalled, and voiced her concern and told me the ways she has tried to tell me in the past about what was going on, and she listened. She listened to me talk about all this stuff I wasn‘t able to talk about before. I told her about my stuff that he broke, the wooden incense burner my sister brought for me from Germany, my last digital camera, how I wasn‘t allowed to have an opinion. She said I was not myself with the EX. I believe it, I wasn‘t allowed to be, because I would get hell for it later on, or sometimes for weeks. How the therapist sessions were a big let down for me, and how I would get anxiety before going in, because I knew what was coming and it wasnt going to be good. How I would fear that the therapist would allow the EX to be hurtful to me in the office, and that he kept allowing it to happen, that after a while I started lying, telling him things were good. I was giving me more stress than relieving it.

It felt good to get this stuff out, and finally talk about it, and I am still a bit shamed about it, about how I let it continue for so damn long, and worst of all, that I allowed my son be a part of it. Even after he sat me down to talk to me about it (he was 10 or 11 at the time), and How I promised him that I would fix it, and how I failed him. I as a mother should have protected him from the EX. How I also allowed this to continue by the EX‘s child, she‘s a wonderful little girl, and I am going to miss her like she‘s my own (she spent more time with me than the EX when she was over).

I think partly I was able to talk about this stuff because of my new friend, that I have been out with and talk to all the time. He‘s really good at sharing feelings, and I am realizing that I am not. I do go on the defensive a lot, and as soon as talk about the feelings come up, I am quick to make a joke or change the subject. I am trying to protect myself from hurt, like I have been hurt so badly by this last relationship.

I do feel a lot better after talking to her, I think I was able to do it finally because it was time. People have tried talking to me before about it, but I was not ready, so I had asked them not to talk about it. Just like with my son. Now I am able to talk to him about it. I guess I just needed some time. But perhaps, if this time around I try to deal with all this, I won‘t be so easily fooled next time around, into a similar relationship. I don‘t know if my soul can take anymore.

Thanks for listening (errr..reading).

Miss Luvly1

Posted: 11/4/2009 9:09 AM

Subject: I did some healing

WomanSaver MoFo
Female Member
Age: 40

Total Posts: 799
The Rondanthe
Minnesota
United States
offline
Invite To Chat Room

Send Note

Dear NowthatIseethetruth,

I understand about being ashamed for staying so long. I also felt ashamed because of the way my husband treated me. But I felt ashamed in a different sense, that I was so unlovable that is why he treated me that way. I was ashamed of myself...after all if I was (thinner, nicer, sexier, smarter, you fill in the blanks) my husband would love me so much that he couldn‘t keep treating me like that. I was always looking for a way to make him love me. It is just that he can‘t and doesn‘t love anyone, and I didn‘t see that.

I think learning to feel compassion for yourself is the first step. I don‘t look for it from someone else now. I feel it for myself and take time out to baby myself. If I need a nap, I try to take it. Those 7 years of missing concerts because my husband hated live music...I now go to one every chance I get. Do I want to get my hair done? I do it. Learning to love ourselves never really meant much to me before. Now I understand it. Taking care of my body has now become a top precedence. Not because I want to keep my husband interested. Because I want to be healthy, I want to live my life to the fullest.

This time, finally it is for me. I am affraid to bring someone into my life at this point. Because I may wrap myself around their life and forget about me again.....Does that make sense?

My counselor had said something about being very careful about getting in a relationship at this point. She said that at this point after leaving an abusive relationship you become like a sponge and will automatically be dependant upon anyone who treats you nicely.

Yeah, I can see myself doing that.

NowthatIsee, You and I are on the same path right now. We need to learn to look both ways, consult a map and the GPS before crossing any street.....and maybe even phoning a friend. I think healing is really going to take a lot longer than you think. We don‘t need to mess this up again.

Lord knows I would love a warm body to snuggle up to. I just can‘t settle this time.

nowthatiseethetruth

Posted: 11/5/2009 6:57 AM

Subject: I did some healing

WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 31

Total Posts: 58
detroit
Michigan
United States
offline
Invite To Chat Room

Send Note

Miss Luvly1 wrote:

I think learning to feel compassion for yourself is the first step. I don�t look for it from someone else now. I feel it for myself and take time out to baby myself. If I need a nap, I try to take it. Those 7 years of missing concerts because my husband hated live music...I now go to one every chance I get. Do I want to get my hair done? I do it. Learning to love ourselves never really meant much to me before. Now I understand it. Taking care of my body has now become a top precedence. Not because I want to keep my husband interested. Because I want to be healthy, I want to live my life to the fullest.

This time, finally it is for me. I am affraid to bring someone into my life at this point. Because I may wrap myself around their life and forget about me again.....Does that make sense?

I have been working on the compassion part, and on putting myself first. Even as far as raising my son.. I used to get really upset if he would mess up, at school or at home, to the point where I was crying and upset all day. I work on not doing that anymore. He has clear expectations and disciplinary actions in place and he knows what will happen if he messes up. I don‘t let that decide my day any more. I know I‘m somewhat codependent, working on that, too. I have been doing pretty well with it, starting with my family, and then moving onto my friends. I don‘t let people walk all over me, and I don‘t have a problem saying NO.

That does make sense. This is why when the EX and I first went our separate ways in early Sept, I said no way, no more for me. I was set against getting into a relationship with anyone, just went out and had fun, and enjoyed myself. I was not expecting this spark, these feelings to happen. This friend of mine knows that we will be taking things slow, especially knows that it‘s been hard on me before.

I hear ya, on the consulting. That‘s why I have been on this board, it‘s a huge help!!! That, and now trusting my instinct sooner and speaker aloud about it. I definitely don‘t need to end up where I was before, it was hard enough to deal with what I had to deal with. Not putting my child through it again. Ever.

LOL.. Always looking both ways.. then behind me..

Alpha89

Posted: 11/5/2009 2:04 PM

Subject: I did some healing

WomanSaver Regular
Female Member
Age: 37

Total Posts: 58
Boulder
Colorado
United States
offline
Invite To Chat Room

Send Note

Sounds like you guys have done some healing this wk. I‘m so glad. I talked to some friends this wk..not getting into another thing yet, but it was nice just to talk about stuff. Lots of folks are going through the same things seems like. That‘s kind of reassuring.

What you said about this is totally how I feel at home generally:

I understand about being ashamed for staying so long. I also felt ashamed because of the way my husband treated me. But I felt ashamed in a different sense, that I was so unlovable that is why he treated me that way. I was ashamed of myself...after all if I was (thinner, nicer, sexier, smarter, you fill in the blanks) my husband would love me so much that he couldn�t keep treating me like that. I was always looking for a way to make him love me. It is just that he can�t and doesn�t love anyone, and I didn�t see that.

For a while I was buying all this new makeup/clothes/shoes so my old man would pay attention to me, and then I realized he just has some of his own problems. Yours too sounds like. I‘m going to try to build a life outside my relationships better from now on.

PAGE: 1