WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / emotionally abusive men and dating history

To my knowledge, my husband didn‘t have relationships that lasted very long before ours.  I was the only idiot that tried to hang in there til death do us part.

They get told.  They jusldt don‘t hear it.  I ran into the sister of my STBX husband‘s ex wife.  It turns out that he was just as much of a controlling pitiful ass with her as he was with me.  He had also cheated on her.....

Now HIS story to me about his ex-wife was that she cheated on him.  I thought about the other things that he had told me and it all added up.  He had gotten fired from his job while married to his first wife.  He was fired because he was out with a co-worker.  Turns out she was a married co-worker and her husband didn‘t seem to like it.  He got fired. He always denied ever doing anything wrong to get fired.  Now, I know the truth.

To answer your question, they have been told.  They just lie and deny to get in good with someone else again.

Oh my Gosh!  Yes, My husband did the same thing.

We would stay with a certain counselor as long as he could claim that the problem was with me.  One counselor told me that I needed to jump into the volcano of trust with him.

Yeah....about that.  She had no idea of how he was treating me at home.  He white knuckled it for awhile, but in the end he was treating me worse.

The last counselor we went to, I talked to her about what was going on. She did see for herself in the office how he was.  It was a day that he decided to tell me that he didn‘t see us working out and wanted a divorce.  Then he changed his mind again later of course....how else can you keep emotionally hurting someone and make them do what you want except threaten to leave?

What is funny is that in one of his last emails he is complaining about having to pay a counseling bill becaues "HE WAS TRYING TO SAVE OUR MARRIAGE".

hmmmm I was the one who called the counselor.  Whenever any truth got brought into counseling he would get angry and threaten to divorce me.

They are aware of it BUT...

It‘s like telling a drug addict that they‘re a drug addict. They don‘t see it as a problem until someone points it out to them...And when they do point it out...they go on the defensive...They shoot the messenger...

They think it‘s your fault you think that. YOU must be sensitive etc...

Believe me...Deep down he knows...But admit it to anyone? That‘s a different story.

Calla,

Sounds exactly like what I‘ve got going on.  Exactly...I‘d almost rather date somebody anymore who has dated more people.  Choosing between computer nerd and player....that‘s where I‘ve been stuck.  Cause if the guy is fab everybody wants him, seems like.

Keep your head on cause I think what you have got going on is a warning sign.  Keep your own boundaries.

Take care

Talutah,

I am surprised by your input here.  Abused women are not idiots who are just doormats for the sake of being a door mat..  The majority of abused women are sane, rational and upbeat people.  We are successful and well liked because we are kind hearted.

An abuser is like a pirate

Pirates will not go after a Tuna boat.  The tuna boat is a gal that has no morals, no thoughts of bettering herself etc. No, the pirate (abuser) wants the ship with the treasure.  He himself cannot earn that treasure and has no idea how to get it without stealing it and destroying the ship.  He needs the gold.  The girl who looks, walks and talks with confidence.  The one with a good job and a good attitude.

Now....you ask why don‘t you just leave the jerk?  That is a very good question, and one that I used to ask whenever I saw a woman being abused.

I can tell you why.  This man didn‘t start out that way.  If he had been calling me a bitch and threatening me when we were first dating...

I would have left the jerk.  Duh!

It was a process of erosion.  It was a process of him getting me where my ship could not go anywhere.  I had given him everything I had.  How?

I sold my lake home....to pay off his bills so we could buy a home together.  I was pregnant the first time it happened, and I could now not afford to pay the rent on my own without him and I had two other children from a previous marriage to raise.  I BEGGED HIM TO STAY.

He wasn‘t treating me badly before that. NOT ONCE. 

My husband was the king of romance when we were dating.  He drove 50 miles one way every day to come to see me.  He bought a beautiful bedframe and had it delivered to my home and set up in my bedroom.  When I came home he was laying across the bed with a rose for me. He called me daily and made sure I knew I was the one...he took me to meet his family. 

The abuser overwhelms his victim with romance and love like you have never seen before.  Don‘t tell me that the paragraph above wouldn‘t sweep you off of your feet.

When he changes his attitude it is very much a shock to the system.  I believed he loved me.  It was a complete 180, what he was saying to me and doing.  It was like living in the twilight zone.  This couldn‘t be him...what was going on?  What did I do?

Please read Kaylar‘s The process of domestic violence.  It helped me understand myself and to understand my abuser.

No amount of dating will change guys that are like this.

No amount of confrontation will make them "see the light."

What Miss Luvly described is right on.  They are the most "romantic" of men when you first meet them.  They "instantly" connect with you, and they make you feel like a princess.  They will court you like none other.  Why?  Because it‘s what women have been waiting for all their lives, and they are manipulative.  That is how they suck us in.

They keep up a pretty good act for a long while.  They wait until a woman is "hooked" - as in married, pregnant, or financially dependent - before they make their move.

That‘s the reason why women don‘t leave right away.  The trap has been set.  The other thing is that abuse is pretty subtle in the beginning.  It escalates and gets worse over a period of time.  To the woman who is really in love, she may not make a move right away because his criticisms of her may seem somewhat legitimate, and if she‘s committed to the relationship (and say 75% of the time it‘s pretty good), it may be easier for her to dismiss some things.  After all, no relationship is "perfect."

They do what they do because it works for them.  They love the feeling of power and control.  That is what abuse is all about.  Think of the bully who beats up all the kids in the neighborhood.  He gets his rocks off on scaring and intimidating other people.  Deep down, he‘s a coward.

He manipulates the cops.  He manipulates your family.  He can be devastatingly "charming" when he wants something.

The only answer is to just get the hell out.  And learn everything you can about domestic violence so that you don‘t keep repeating relationships like thiss.

Talutah,

I will sit down and take a moment to explain things to you.

First off I said I was surprised by your post.  I did not say that I was surprised that you called someone a name.  Where did you read that?

Now, so you know. I said I was surprised by your post because I thought you had some understanding of abuse because of your previous posts.  I was shocked to hear you say the same cliche "well why doesn‘t she just leave?" 

I then tried to explain to you why and your response was to insult me with some crap about how "I chose to sell my CHILDREN‘S HOME?"   to pay of ‘SOME MAN‘S BILLS" 

 Bitch, don‘t even go there.  You have no idea what in the hell you are driveling about.

Now let‘s put this in perspective with some reality.  It was my lake place.  It was not a year long home.  We had moved away from the area and were renting in the house we were living in.  I sold the lake place so that we could BUY A HOME FOR MY CHILDREN AND I TO LIVE IN.

The "SOME MAN‘S BILLS".  MY words?  No, those are your words. 

 He was my HUSBAND.  Not just some man.  When you are married aren‘t you together in building a life?  His credit was horrible.  I had to pay off his bills to again....BUY A HOME FOR  MY CHILDREN TO LIVE IN.

And as a matter of fact I did choose to get pregnant.  I don‘t regret that.  I told him when we were dating that I loved kids and wanted more children.  They are the one good thing that came out my marriage.  I can‘t take one look at them EVER and think it was a bad decision.  I resent you for implying that to get pregnant was part of a bad decision and then having the nerve to say "all the best to you and your children".

As for you heaping blame upon me for making "the decision that actually devastated you, not to mention your children".

The decisions that you are talking about "BLAMING" ME FOR MY OWN DEMISE WITH were made when he was not abusive.

He was not abusive until I after he had complete control.  At the time there was no sign of abuse coming.  My decisions were based on the facts as I knew them.  I thought I had an attentive loving husband. 

Oh, and simply saying you wouldn‘t be swept off your feet by a man lying in bed with a rose.....hmmm.  Maybe you should try reading the whole paragraph.  On any of this your responses have been way off because you have inserted your version of what you think may have happened.  Or tell me they are "my words"..  They are YOUR words.

He bought me a bed. A huge beautiful 4 poster bed.  He had it delivered and set up before I got home.  I wouldn‘t be swept off my feet by some guy lying in a bed with a rose either.

Stay out of the abuse section.  We really don‘t need you here to drum into our heads how you think it is our fault we got abused. Those are the same exact words our abusers would tell us. We are here to heal.