WomanSavers.com Forum / ABUSE HELP / emotionally abusive men and dating history

Talutah:  I enjoy and agree with most of your posts, but I do believe you are being somewhat judgmental here.

I agree that we all have to own responsibility for our choices and decisions.  No one is saying otherwise. 

But victim blaming isn‘t fair.  Most women would leave if they had the means and the resources to do so, and knew that their safety would be guaranteed afterwards.  For those who have left violent relationships, it is not an experience for the faint of heart, and if they have had children with the guy, it isn‘t over when it‘s over.

Since the most dangerous time is when women leave, they have valid reasons for terror and fear.  Stalking is common, and so are violations of protection orders. 

It is easy to say "You picked him" or "You were the one who was stupid enough to marry him" or "You were the one who chose to quit your job, give up your house, have a kid with him -" but really, that doesn‘t help.

Women make these commitments when they love and trust.  They make these decisions thinking they are married to a man they want to spend the rest of their life with.  The man who batters knows this, and he keeps up the facade the whole while.  He knows that to reveal "his hand" too soon  is to lose the power and control he‘s gaining.  Hence, he doesn‘t show his true colors usually until a woman has done all that.

These guys are good actors.  The most romantic of men.  They seem so "sweet" in the beginning.

And truthfully, abusive men can seem like "really nice guys" part of the time.  My ex-husband could be kind, thoughtful, generous, big hearted, and funny - when he wasn‘t mad, and as long as life was revolving around him.  He was so charming he could melt butter in your mouth.  That is the side of him that most people saw.  No one wanted to believe this big teddy bear could be such a monster.  I loved the nice guy.

Also - when there are kids involved, women are not so inclined to take divorce lightly.  You do feel more of an obligation to work things out, because it‘s not just a relationship you are ending - you are also breaking up a family.  Most women will at least want to make a heroic effort to save the marriage before they throw in the towel, especially if there are kids involved.  What they don‘t know - in the beginning - is that it can‘t be saved.  When they finally figure out that they‘re in a hopeless situation, they face a lot of obstacles.  Women‘s shelters are usually overflowing and only offer respite for about 2 weeks.  Family attorneys are expensive, and no/low cost legal services usually do not handle divorces.  Going to court without one - against an abuser - is a bad situation to be in.

I overlooked a lot of crappy behavior for a while, because I knew that marriage wasn‘t easy and life isn‘t perfect.  It was easy to overlook the occasional temper tantrum.  It was also easy to see that I wasn‘t perfect either.  The dynamics of DV, though, is that it escalates.

If you read the "Dynamics of Domestic Violence" thread, it tells the story of DV quite well.  It illustrates why it is so hard for women to leave.

Now as far as personal responsibility -

I say, "What can I learn from this?" and "What can I do differently in the future?"  And most importantly, "What do I look for?  What are the signs?"  How do I avoid relationships like this in the future?

Learning from mistakes is key.

I haven‘t stopped being relieved since the last divorce.

Hindsight is 20/20. 

I agree with you about never giving up control of your life.   It is a life lesson I have learned the hard way. 

I think Miss Luvly did the things she did out of love.  She was making a commitment, and she didn‘t see the signs.  A lot of women have been there and done that.  There is a saying that love is blind.

Financial problems are a big red flag, but financial problems can also come from a health crisis, a bad divorce, or a failed business.  It happens to a lot of people.  The average American is two paychecks away from homelessness.  It can happen to anyone.  Who knows what the reaons were, but I am pretty sure Miss Luvly‘ husband didn‘t think it was his fault. (Tongue in cheek here)  She wanted to help, and she thought she was doing it for both of them.  I agree that that was a red flag.

Now with the next man she meets, hopefully, she won‘t bail him out financially.

Too many of us are "in love with being in love" and it clouds our judgment.  Hormone driven decisions are also a huge mistake, but that, too, is hindsight.

It is easy to say what someone else should have done or not done when we have not walked in their shoes. 

So what do we do with this knowledge, LOL?  We learn the lessons and we move on.  For me, the "answer" has been never dating again.  I am not marrying, no one is moving in, and I am not dating either.  Some would say my attitude is not "healthy."   I cherish my freedom and have come to feel that "single" is my best lifestyle.  

We are all here to share our pain, our experience, and what we have learned.  I don‘t think it hurts to be supportive.

"I do not believe one can walk in in someone else‘s shoes.It would be impossible. So many things would have to be exact.That would be impossible to recreate. Although I do understand what you mean.

"The saddest part.....was when she said she was swept off her feet when he bought her a bed, her expectations were so low that having a basic requirement was thrilling"

Talutah,

In one paragraph you say that you cannot walk in someone else‘s shoes. The next you are yet again, slamming me with stuff you made up in your head.  I found your comment disrespectful.  What, do you think I didn‘t own a bed before he gave me one?  If I try to explain the situation to you (and believe me there‘s more) you disregard what I am telling you  and insert your own theory.

Stop with the disrespectful comments please. That is what has made me so angry with you.

  I don‘t think you can empathize with anyone here, because you just don‘t understand abusers and their victims. "mollycoddling"? Puleeze.  The last thing any woman on this board got was that.  Support is what is needed here.  That is what we come here for.  Even I get a bit frustrated with a woman who can‘t leave her abuser. 

 But then, I remember how long I have been on these boards. See, when I make a vow for marriage to me it means forever, and you should try to work it out.  I was always hoping that my husband would change.  In fact he did change for about a year.  He "white knuckled it"  as my counselor would say.  Why?  Because I told him I wanted a divorce.  And I was dead serious. 

  If you can‘t see someone else‘s side just a bit, how can you possibly help them?  We know what YOU would do.  But really, you have never been in that set of circumstances. 

It would be like me giving a hang glider advice on how they keep screwing up and landing in the wrong place, and then getting angry or accusing them of being stupid because, well that‘s what I‘d do!

If you are going to give advice, please do some reading on abuse. The last thing you should be doing here is victim blaming. 

  You accused me of having low expectations because what?  You thought my self esteem was flawed to begin with?  Maybe it was.  But that is not for you to judge or reprimand me with.

Only my closest friends knew what my husband was capable of.  Everyone else thought he was such a great guy and were in total shock.  Who else figured it out right away?  My minister, and our police chief.  Yes, my husband would go to church with me the last year.  He would pray, and "promise" to help the church in the technology field.  See this way, he could boast about how smart he was.  My husband wasn‘t a drunk or an alcoholic.  He was a narcissist. 

My minister told me that he could tell by the way me and my boys were behaving (the kids were too good).  That there was abuse in the home.  We were all going out of our way all the time to not make DLB angry, and to make things easy on him.

I had never dealt with a narcissist before Talutah, have YOU? 

I will no longer reply to any of  your comments or posts on this manner unless you apologize.